I'm just a girl...

* I'm just a girl who doesn't know where she wants to be.

* I'm just a girl who loves her job but hates where she works.

* I'm just a girl who now self harms.

* I'm just a girl that uses no food as punishment when I am feeling sad.

* I'm just a girl who needs anti-depressants to function on a daily basis.

* I 'm just a girl trying to find her 'me' again.

* I'm just the girl who will try and push everyone away from me thinking it's best for them.

* I'm just a girl looking for some direction in my life.

*I'm just a girl with issues to deal with.

[Source]

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Sometimes you need to start working on a comeback plan.

Today I was inspired by Kym over at Travel Babbles - such a strong woman and she is dealing with so much and doing it so well. She spoke about having a comeback plan and it made me think about myself and how I should start thinking about a comeback.

As my therapist and I discuss, we change through our life and when you go through difficult times, we evolve even more so. This is something I have not taken to well. I dislike change. I don't like not feeling like I am my 'usual self'. But I am working on accepting that I can still 'be myself' but I will have certain parts of me change. 

[Source]

So how does a comeback come in here? I need one basically. I need to get sorted and try to get back on track. At the weekend I spent a night away with my best friend. We partied, laughed and had fun. It was definitely what I needed. I was a party girl and lately, partying has been the last thing on my mind. But it was good to get that side back for a little. 

I scrub up well some days.

By ways of working out, I am trying to get to my pole class twice a week. I like my sessions and I always feel like I have accomplished something. By sticking to them I think I will get my strength back, feel happier (endorphins are my friends) and obviously develop some kick ass skills.

My food shopping is something I need to get working on again. I have lately been finding my appetite gone, gone, gone. Eating healthy is really important and I do feel better for it. Now I'm back to work full time, I am making sure I have my salads for lunches. I have been rather naughty with take away food but I am giving myself a bit of leeway. Part of my comeback needs to start from within - eating healthy is the best way to start.

[Source]

Part of my comeback needs to be me accepting myself and through therapy sessions this is beginning. I honestly think that everyone should see a therapist, it is so nice to speak to someone about anything and everything and have no judgement. It allows me to have another view of myself and through talk, I can work through my thoughts. 

My comeback doesn't sound too difficult but for me it is a bit of a mountain. When I am experiencing down days I don't want to do anything. I just want to curl up and be alone. So the whole comeback kinda goes off the rails but all I can do is try and keep going. It will fall in to place eventually, I just have to show some patience (not my best feature).  

 

[Source]

Have you ever worked on a comeback or are you working on one right now?

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When you need a pick me up...

When you're having a down day, how do you pick yourself up? My down days are becoming less but when they come I still struggle with them. I now accept them and just go along with the day but I have developed a variety of things to make me feel better and pick me up a little. 

1: TV Time
I get myself wrapped up on the sofa, with a chamomile tea and find something to watch. Since having time on my hands lately, I have watched a number of different series - Son's of Anarchy, The Walking Dead, Life Unexpected and Breaking Bad. I have loved them all, I like becoming immersed in the show and it keeps my mind focused. I picked a pretty good set of shows to watch didn't I?

Who wouldn't want to watch this man? [Source]

2: Seeing friends
Having not been up to going out as much as usual, I have a couple close friends who have been my rocks during this time. Whether it's a pizza night, day trip to feed reindeers or just being on the other side of the phone for silly texts. Being able to be honest with people is not easy for me but these people are those I can be truthfully honest with, I can be myself with and don't mind being with me when I'm having a 'down day'. They're pretty special and can pick me up. 

I am lucky to have friends to be crazy with GG style! [Source]

3: Treats
It seems a little superficial but a treat perks me up no doubt. Whether it be chocolaty treats, a new canvas or DVD set. It brightens my day, and puts a little smile on my face. Especially if it's a chocolate treat. Chocolate is the way to my heart more times than not!

I want ALL the candy! [Source]

4: Quiet time
When I am not feeling at my best, I like to turn off all sound and just lay in quiet. Sometimes I nap, but most often I just lie and take a time out. Just having quietness is nice. It let's me sort my thoughts. 

Who am I kidding? I mostly sleep...

5: Working Out
I am back to pole classes after a shoulder injury and I am enjoying it. While I'm working, I focus so much on the moves that my mind is clear. Not only do I get to tone up but I get to feel like I have achieved something when I get my new moves. The classes make me feel good about myself. 

Look at me go!

As it has been difficult to actually find the happiness lately, I have had to focus on the small things and enjoy them. 

What little things have been making you feel better lately?

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All about me!

Today I am sharing an old post - all about me!
__________________________________________________________

Even though I blog anonymously, I still like to try and share as much of myself and my life that I can with you all. So, with that in mind here is a list of 10 facts about me:

1: I am somewhat OCD and have routines for putting my make up on to eating certain food items.
2: I often dance in the kitchen when waiting for the kettle to boil.
3: Whiskey makes me insane...but I drink it anyway- thank you NYC!
4: I like to be alone but know that others are close if I want them.
5: I am scared of crumpets and the underside of mushrooms. 
6: I use Google to find out how to spell words.
7: I use ! after every sentence in texts. 
8: If I hear a noise in the night, I don't open my eyes in case I see a ghost.
9: I am easily addicted to things but lose interest extremely fast due to my short concentration span.
10: I have conversations with myself and pretend conversations with others in my head. A lot. 

Be you ... always.

There are many more but I thought I'd try share the least crazy things about me for now as not to scare away any new readers. But it's a little bit of me to help you understand me more.

What about you?



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I don't need saving.

Since being diagnosed with depression and anxiety I have had to take time away from work and I am becoming more aware of the way that people treat me. As I posted Friday, friends have been an absolute huge support and infact my BFF, Miss L, has been a lifeline with her nights in watching trash tv and eating lots of pizzas and chocolate with me! 

My family have treated me with kid gloves but in the same breath they don't understand what I am going through. I try to explain but it's like they almost don't want to know how difficult it is.  I think it's partly due to the mis-understanding of depression and the fact they don't want me to suffer.

Another person I have come across appears to think that I need 'saving'. I am not sure why this is but that is the way appears. This is someone I have never met, had small amount of contact with and all of sudden feels like I need their support and advice. It's strange because when someone has suffered depression themselves (and factor anxiety into the mix) you would think that they would not continue to keep going when it's clear there is no want for contact. 

Yep, I already have a Knight (Who isn't a douche) - I don't need another thanks.

I have my very close friends and family supporting me in their own way, as well as a certain Mr French Canadien to look after me. I also have a couple of very close friends via blogging/Facebook who I have known for at least 3 years now. I do not make friendships easy and I do not trust easy. Why? Well this is proving why. I make good thoughts about people when in the very early stages of friendships and have a very good feeling about thos I want in my life and those who just aren't right for my friendship. I feel uncomfortable with the attention and focus on my journey.

I am aware that everyone has their own ideas and thoughts but sometimes you would think that after a while certain things become obvious. I am working with a good therapist who is helping me deal with a few issues in my life and she is doing a great job. I have amazing friends to sit with me, holiday with me (Miss Faux Fur - I love you) and family to help support. I don't need people in my life who think they know me and act like I need saving. I am not at my best but I certainly don't need a stranger saving me.

Have you ever had people thinking they know you when in fact they have no idea about the person who you are?

Facts of Me ...

Today I am linking up with Whitney at 'I Wore Yoga Pants To Work'. It's a post all about me ... Do we have anything in common?

Fact 1

The older I get, the higher the standards I gain. This is true from work, to home etc. I would never say they were particularly low but I definitely aim very high now. Sometimes to my own detriment.

Fact 2
I love quotes. Simple as that. When I was at University it was the days of MSN Messenger and I constantly had lyrics as my status. This made me known as 'The Lyrics Queen'.  Quotes make me me think and ponder life. I can easily lose myself for hours reading them.

Fact 3
Music is a passion - I can't play an instrument but that's irrelevant. I always listen to music. In fact, I think I listen to more music than I watch TV most weeks. My favourite is discovering a new artist and being obsessed with them. I still remember the day The Killers 'Hot Fuss' came out, I played that record on repeat for months. As of late The Lumineers have kept me entertained.

"I'm like the Dead Sea... you told me I was like the Dead Sea, you'd never sink when you are with me..."

Fact 4
I am fiercely protective of my family and friends. When I make friends with someone they have me forever. Unless they hurt me or treat me unfairly they will always have me on their side. I will do anything for them.

Fact 5
I over flow with empathy. I feel like I physically hurt when friends and family around me do. I have been told, and would agree, that I am very perceptive. This has its positives but it also means I feel everything.

{Source}

Fact 6
I love to travel. I went from being a homebody to an independent traveller. It started a couple years back when I met a guy and was inspired to see me and be more independent. From short trips with Miss Faux Fur to NYC where I would wander, to travelling America and Canada and then last Summer visiting Australia, I have itchy feet. Due to my job I am limited to the times I can travel but I make the most of it. It gives me freedom and allows me to meet new people.

Fact 7
Clothes and shoes are a weakness of mine. I don't crave ridiculously expensive clothes and shoes, I just crave any! I love picking up a bargain here and there and pairing it with older outfits to feel new. Dresses are my down fall and I will always fall for pretty dresses and classic LBDs. One is not enough for me.

Fact 8
I love my job. I am a teacher and I make a difference. The children listen and learn well. I see them grow into mature young adults and they spend as much time with me as their parents sometimes. I am like a surrogate mother to all 29 in my class at the moment. In school I am known as 'the nurturer' due to my calm manner.

Fact 9
I have zero common sense and this is the source of great amusement for others on many occasions. My mind is scatty and therefore quite often I say things without thinking and mind wander all over the place. But sometimes it's nice to be in my own little world and not be right on it. It keeps me entertained.

Fact 10
When I feel panic while driving I turn my music down. I can't concentrate and find it off putting. So if I'm lost? Volume down!


I am also on Twitter if you want to follow and get to know me even better!

What fact would you share? Do we have anything in common?

10 things you should know about me...

After reading Kym's blog post over at Travel Babbles, I decided to share some facts about myself.

Even though I blog anonymously, I still like to try and share as much of myself and my life that I can with you all. So, with that in mind here is a list of 10 facts about me:

1: I am somewhat OCD and have routines for putting my make up on to eating certain food items.
2: I often dance in the kitchen when waiting for the kettle to boil.
3: Whiskey makes me insane...but I drink it anyway- thank you NYC!
4: I like to be alone but know that others are close if I want them.
5: I am scared of crumpets and the underside of mushrooms. 
6: I use Google to find out how to spell words.
7: I use ! after every sentence in texts. 
8: If I hear a noise in the night, I don't open my eyes in case I see a ghost.
9: I am easily addicted to things but lose interest extremely fast due to my short concentration span.
10: I have conversations with myself and pretend conversations with others in my head. A lot. 

Be you ... always.

There are many more but I thought I'd try share the least crazy things about me for now as not to scare away any new readers. But it's a little bit of me to help you understand me more.

What fact would share with me?

So I began to write...

Lately I have sat down numerous times to try writing a post with some idea I had and I have never been able to finish it. I have saved drafts, thoughts in my head but no posts. I began to worry... of course this is not how I wanted to end up. A long blog block! Then last night I felt like writing in my journal and I did just that...wrote and wrote and then...wrote some more. It then occurred to me, that's what I should do here. I have always wrote what was on my mind and how I felt but that seems to have been forgotten. 

So I have sat down, ready to write for you all. 

I had a mini freak out last night because guess what - we're nearly half way through the year. Yep folks, it's coming up to June. Can you believe it? I  am truly shocked to feel like my life has just passed me by in a blur since New Year.

If you're a reader, then you know that New Year is not my favourite time and I don't make resolutions. That aside, I felt like this year was going to be good. Don't ask why, I just felt it. Well that didn't happen. Since January I have had a huge, life changing moment. As you know my brother was diagnosed with cancer. This has been a pretty hard pill to swallow. Never did I think my world would be turned upside down like this. I always thought I was a strong person but this was different, I have had to dig so deep to find strength some days. I have felt that I wasn't deserving of being happy because surely that's not fair when he is suffering? To say everything has passed so fast since finding this out until now is an understatement. I have suddenly came back into life and I've lost a good few months. I am now feeling hardened to the word cancer and dealing with things in a much more logical manner. My brother is progressing well and hopefully we shall get some good news in July to allow his to keep the same chemo treatment. If not then that bridge will be crossed when needed.

Last year, I discussed the idea of past being in the past and I decided to leave the past right there. Why is this important now? Well, this did not last, I didn't encounter my past in the way I thought I may have, but I did indeed end up back in contact. Since then things have been strange I guess. When someone from the past comes back inevitably you expect them to be the same but this person wasn't. I was very cautious and still am. As of late this person seemed to go through a phase which I didn't appreciate. I felt like I was giving and getting little back. Maybe last year or the year before that I'd have allowed this but this time I didn't. I did what I have always been unable to do and that was set some boundaries. I had a moment of feeling so proud of how I handled the situation and the response was that of respect and things have changed. It's left me thinking that I wish I'd found this back then. This change has been coming since I went away alone last year and is slowly developing. With other factors in my life as well as this, I am changing into a much stronger version of myself. 

As much as I feel this year has flown by in a blur, I feel thankful for the way it has shaped me. I am the same as I always have been but with a strength I never knew I had. What could be bad about that?

Part of me...

Lately I  have had a lot of thoughts about friendships and relationships. I have had some people around me who I feel have let me down and others who have surprised me in the way in which they have supported me. It got me to thinking how much of ourselves do we give to those around us?

While in NYC I visited a tarot reader (a little guilty pleasure of mine) who declared that in relationships I am a giver, I give everything to others and those people take and very rarely give back. She also stated this was true of friendships which, as much as I take them with a pinch of salt, I agreed with her. I have plans but someone needs something - they're dropped, I have somewhere to go but someone calls asking for help- plans change etc etc. How much do I, or should I, do this for people in my life.

Seriously...step off me...

When it comes to relationships, I work so hard to be caring and kind and then it hits the point where the other person does not give back to me. Is there actual truth in the saying killing with kindness? Am I too kind and caring? Of course, this could also be down to the people I choose to be in relationships with. At the end of the day, we all have that choice. I have gone for the arrogant, closed off men who inevitably end up being closed off towards me. Maybe I've answered my own question? I don't know, it's hard to get out of ruts, especially when the heart is involved. In general though, I think I need to start investing time in me. It's fine to give some part of yourself but your actual self? Nope, I need to hold onto me and remember that it's the one thing noone can take away from me. In the words of Miss Perry,

 "But you're not gonna break my soul. This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me, no."

 

I invest time in everyone else thinking that it's needed when in actual fact, I, myself, need to be looked after and sometimes you gotta rely on yourself for that. This is not in a selfish way but I need to start showing people that I am not going to drop everything for them when they don't show that same respect to me when I need them and their help. In life you get what you give and I need to stop giving and getting nothing back. After a while this just gets tiring and I think everyone can relate to the doormat feeling. It's something which will be hard for me but maybe today I should start looking at me. Those toxic relationships and friendships around me need to be quarantined for some time.

How about you, have you ever felt like you were in an unbalanced friendship/relationship? What did you do about it?

Mini waves and celebrations- 100th post time...

As it was my 100th post I didn't want to just do a normal post.I thought it may not be creative but I thought 100 facts would be fun. However, I have little concentration and 100 is a big number so 100 random facts just seemed like something I wouldn't be able to do.So I thought I'd tackle it in an organised fashion by using sub-headings and sets of 10 ... I teach- let me off with this overly OCD form of organisation.

So here are 100 - organised- things which I want to share about me. After all, after 100 posts I think it's fair to say that I will stick this blogging thing out and I want you all to feel like you know me better.

Favourite things

Destinations I loved or would love to go to

Song lyrics I love

All About Me

Bands/Artists I Love

  Films I Love

Favourite TV Shows

Things I've Learned from blogging

 Things I like to do

My favourite posts so far

Peacocking

Check him!

Ultimate Fashion Statement

I left my heart in New York City

I. Love. You.

Feature Me

A New Fear

Childhood Toys

My Road trip with VLOG

There we have it... 100 things about me and likes. 

Thank you for all your kind comments and for actually taking an interest in reading my blog :-)

Sunday...

Another Sunday is here... this year is just flying by!!! I thought I would let you all get to know me a bit better today! Last week I had random items in my bag etc but today I will share random things about me...

* I can waste hours just browsing the Internet when I should be doing work.

* I love The Notebook and would love a notebook kind of love!

* I sometimes like to just have a night all by myself with my favourite chocolate, drink and a good film. Me anti-social? Nooooo!!! Well, sometime...

* I am obsessed with fashion; shoes, bags, dresses, tops, jeans...yes please!

* I use the sentence, "I'm fine..." far too much when I'm not.

* I'm petite and like being enveloped in a hug. I feel protected and safe (even though I claim I'm fine and ok haha!)!

* I use waaayyy too many ! in my writing. I don't know why, I just do!

*I hate waiting for people who are late but have no concept of time myself.

* I love going on a holiday where I can be so lazy and just lie in the sun all day and feel warm and cosy.

Miami Beach sunrise.... I love that place!

There's a lot more to know but just thought I'd share some random facts since it's Sunday and my brain isn't in gear to do a whole written post! 

Have a great Sunday!

Head over to For The Love of Blogs for some comment fun!

Me...

As it's comment love day I was browsing some blogs and came across a blog which had a fun random fact post. I have decided it would be fun to join in :-) If you'd like to see the original go to Sandbox Gems. 

Here we go:

 

4 Random things in my bag:

- Umbrella

- 2 lipglosses

- Painkillers for knee

- Bar paper with new friends name on (from holiday in NYC)

4 Staple things in my wardrobe (Above is one of them haha):

- LOTS of shoes and in particular killer heels :-)

- Jeans, jeans and more jeans!

- Little dresses

- Bodycon skirt (A favourite clothing item of mine!)

 

4 staples in my fridge:

- Pepsi

- Cheese

- Milk

- Chocolate!

 

4 Staples in my cupboard:

- Beans

-Rice Pudding

- Soup

- Pasta Sauce

Just gonna add one on as it's that time of the year soon... Pancake day!! Therefore:

Yum!

4 random things you have read recently:

- Painkillers side effects sheet!
- Back of hockey jersey (I like to look at who signs them haha!)
- Horoscope
- Job vacancies

4 random things you keep meaning to do do but put off:

- Paint my nails.
- Have a face mask.
- Get ready out of my pyjamas today haha!
- Sort my file out for work.

4 random songs on Ipod (I have actually just clicked shuffle on random!)

 - Campaign of Hate- The Libertines
- Saturday - Fall Out Boy
- Eleanor Put Your Boots On - Franz Ferdinand
- My Weakness is None of Your Business- Embrace
There you go... just a little about me :-) If you'd like to take part to, just copy the picture at the start and off you go! Have a great Sunday!

Enjoy comment love day!