Sometimes you need to start working on a comeback plan.

Today I was inspired by Kym over at Travel Babbles - such a strong woman and she is dealing with so much and doing it so well. She spoke about having a comeback plan and it made me think about myself and how I should start thinking about a comeback.

As my therapist and I discuss, we change through our life and when you go through difficult times, we evolve even more so. This is something I have not taken to well. I dislike change. I don't like not feeling like I am my 'usual self'. But I am working on accepting that I can still 'be myself' but I will have certain parts of me change. 

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So how does a comeback come in here? I need one basically. I need to get sorted and try to get back on track. At the weekend I spent a night away with my best friend. We partied, laughed and had fun. It was definitely what I needed. I was a party girl and lately, partying has been the last thing on my mind. But it was good to get that side back for a little. 

I scrub up well some days.

By ways of working out, I am trying to get to my pole class twice a week. I like my sessions and I always feel like I have accomplished something. By sticking to them I think I will get my strength back, feel happier (endorphins are my friends) and obviously develop some kick ass skills.

My food shopping is something I need to get working on again. I have lately been finding my appetite gone, gone, gone. Eating healthy is really important and I do feel better for it. Now I'm back to work full time, I am making sure I have my salads for lunches. I have been rather naughty with take away food but I am giving myself a bit of leeway. Part of my comeback needs to start from within - eating healthy is the best way to start.

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Part of my comeback needs to be me accepting myself and through therapy sessions this is beginning. I honestly think that everyone should see a therapist, it is so nice to speak to someone about anything and everything and have no judgement. It allows me to have another view of myself and through talk, I can work through my thoughts. 

My comeback doesn't sound too difficult but for me it is a bit of a mountain. When I am experiencing down days I don't want to do anything. I just want to curl up and be alone. So the whole comeback kinda goes off the rails but all I can do is try and keep going. It will fall in to place eventually, I just have to show some patience (not my best feature).  

 

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Have you ever worked on a comeback or are you working on one right now?

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5 Life Changes

I have began to make positive changes in my life the past few months. Some have almost been forced upon me and others are things I have chosen to do myself as I know it will be beneficial to me. I thought I would share them with you today. 

1: Eating Habits
This is something I've already documented and will be coming back to throughout the next few months. I am wanting to make sure that I put good food and nutrients into my body to give my body and mind extra help to feel better.

2: Being kind to myself
This is proving difficult. With depression and anxiety, the mind is naturally negative and I find myself being extremely hard on my actions and thoughts. I try to be alot kinder towards myself on the off days and talk more soothingly to myself. My therapist once asked me, "Would you tell someone else who was upset to 'Pull it together and get over it?'" I replied, "No, of course not I would comfort them." Then I realised she had proved 
her point. Why should I be any different from those around me.

3: Therapy
I begun seeing my current therapist last year and this was a big step for me. I had visited one previous in the year and did not have a great experience. However, the second time around I made the choice of therapist myself and I trusted her. I have not had sessions over Christmas due to the break but I am looking forward to going back to see her. She helps to focus my thoughts and challenges the negative ones. It is nice to not feel a burden for talking about my feelings. Hopefully this will help me deal with the issues I am facing and the uphill climb away from depression. 

Not the way I shop...

4: Listening to my body
Part of my anxiety issues is that after my brother was diagnosed, I began to need to control all situations and put a lot of pressure on myself to be right. I didn't like to delegate and I strived for perfection. I strived to the point of self destruction, I couldn't let things go, I couldn't ask or accept help and brushed away the signals that I was becoming ill. That wasn't going to happen and if I ignored it and kept everything how it was meant to be no one would realise. Well, it all crashed down. No more forcing myself up on the mornings to put on a brave face. I am now understanding how important it is to listen to my body. If I'm having an off day, accept it and start a new day. If I can't do something, that's fine - I ask for help. I am honest with people if I feel to tired or just need alone time. Those who know me, will recognise that and not question. They support and by being honest it is helping those around support and understand what I am going through.

5: Saying no
I am a 'yes' person. I always want to help people and look after them and make sure they are ok.In the past this has led to little time being spent looking after myself. I have said yes to things which have been detrimental to myself because I desperately wanted to help or look like I was able to do everything. After my burn out last year, I have realised this does not help me at all. There is no point caring and helping others if I can't look after myself. Being a teacher, I am a natural nurturer which is great but I can't forget to nurture myself.

All images from : Pinterest

Are you looking to make any life changes to get yourself back on track if you've strayed?

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Therapy - Take Two

Earlier this year I went to my first therapy session. I did not have a positive experience. Having studied Psychology and very nearly pursued a career in it, I had a fair idea of the process and I know how helpful it can be.

However, after two CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) sessions I realised it was not for me. This was partly due to the therapist themselves and also the fact that being told what to do does not suit me at all. I don't like being told what to and CBT really pushes those boundaries. 

So, I left it. Then, when I finally accepted my depression for what it was and after all other tests came back fine I decided it was time to look back into it. Instead of going through the local surgery to find a therapist, I found my own. When I went for my first session I was apprehensive to say the least. After all, the last time had been a difficult time (I managed 4 sessions). As soon as we both sat down and she talked, I knew straight away she was someone I was going to be comfortable with. 

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Not just her, the environment was warm and calming. The candles and essence were inviting and the room felt like a normal home. During the first session I discussed my past year and a half with her which brought her to tears. She discussed how she feels emotions and was trained in Humanistic therapy. If needed we could dip into CBT but that our sessions would be led by whatever comes up. 

I returned the following session, still full of nerves and talked away. We discussed many things and I have to say, as much as I felt comfortable, I avoided and brushed over certain things. Sharing is not my strong point! That's not to say those things won't be brought up at some point, some things just need time. But, I am pretty open with her. 

Don't piss me off . . . I will tell! [Source]

I have now been visiting her for about 5 weeks and it is going really well. Being able to talk to an 'outsider' is nice and allows me to feel like I am not a burden to them. The nerves before the session have not gone and each week she challenges me and thought process. But it I am comfortable with her. Uncomfortable with the focus on myself sometimes but comfortable with her. I am not sure if this will be something that I continue for some time or whether I cut sessions less as I begin to feel brighter. But for now, it is definitely helping me in a little way and that's all that matters. 

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Who am I?

Recently I have started therapy once again and it has definitely been a better experience than last time. The therapy is a Humanistic approach and involves lots of talking with a great focus on me. This is not easy. But, talking is exactly what I need right now. A safe environment where I can truly share my thoughts, feelings and worries without fear of being a burden or being stupid. 

It has raised a number of questions for me and made me think about the whole process. My previous session I discussed the frustration that I wasn't 'me' anymore. My therapist and I discussed the fact that I should not compare myself and start to accept what is happening and who I am right now. We began to explore the type of person I am and how this would change.

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  When I get through this, I will be changed. It is bound to happen, after all we evolve constantly. However, this time it is more forced. Everything happens for a reason, and this may be in a cruel way, but it is showing me something. There are aspects of my personality, which I accept, that can lead to my anxiety and depression. These are the things which I know will, and should, change after this.

So, 'Who am I?' What type of person will I become when I make it through the other side of this? I am not sure but I am definitely working on this.


Do you feel like you are still finding yourself?

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The time I went to therapy...

As readers of my blog, you will know that the past year and a half have not been the easiest for me. Due to circumstances in my life, I developed extremely high anxiety. I can't say I have always been the easiest going of people but I managed my moments fine. However, moments became more frequent and much more intense. It led to a time where I was in a constant state of high anxiety. At first I didn't identify this, I thought my health issues and sadness from the loss of my brother were what were making me feel 'off'. Anxiety is something which is always there for me, I have moments when it subsides and I have moments when it paralyses me and I can't do anything. It makes me feel like I can't do things and this then leads to stress, it is a vicious cycle.
I began to wonder if I had depression and even my doctor discussed the need for tablets which I said a definite no to. It was at that time when I began to think about the offer of therapy which she had discussed in previous sessions. I was beginning to realise I had an issue and that if I didn't deal with it I would end up in an even worse place to where I was at that moment in time.

You are what you think...
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So I waited for my appointment and finally got the date. My first appointment I was nervous, as you can imagine. It takes a lot to admit that you have a problem and need help. Asking for help is not something which I like to do, much to my detriment sometimes. My first impression of my therapist was so so. I wasn't sure what to expect but there was something there which I didn't feel comfortable with.

I left feeling relieved that I had made it to a session and felt like it could be of some help. What I didn't like was the number work, I had to rate how I felt in various situations in the past two weeks. Personally, I didn't feel like it was of any help due to the fact I was also dealing with health issues which affected my lifestyle. I also don't like attributing numbers to my feelings, they're feelings and emotions.

During visits after I began to lose trust and faith in the therapist. As I was going through Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, there was a big focus on my thought patterns. This meant that my therapist focused on worries and anxiety issues. But I did not like how I was expected to fill in forms and sheets. I explained I found this difficult and she continued to go over various different forms. She didn't listen to my thoughts and was so incredibly focused on the forms I felt she lost focus on me. I went in to one appointment and explained that I'd had a difficult week, she responded with, "Umm. So, let's have a look at this form.." It was then when I realised the match was not for me. Her focus on papers and numbers just didn't sit well with me.

CBT Chart

I made it through 4 sessions and realised that it wasn't for me. I decided to discharge myself and focus on finding my own therapist. Overall the process of therapy is something which I know will help me deal with my stress and anxiety but I think I need to shop around for the right therapist to help me. After all, part of my anxiety is actually making choices and decisions. I think my stress and anxiety is something which I am going to have to deal with for some time to come but if I can get a handle on it, I feel I will feel much more secure in myself.

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Have you been to therapy or dealt with severe anxiety? What helped you?

Misery loves company...

It is no secret that I have faced some tough moments in my life in the past year. It is also no secret that I have found these stressful and difficult. I have tried hard to deal with the grief and considering the other things in my life (job, moving home and illness) I feel I have handled it well.

The problem is now that I have manged to pass the tears, I have another hurdle to overcome. The waves of sadness. By pretending I am fine, I have managed to trick some around me into thinking that I am indeed fine when in reality the thoughts and emotions inside of me are very difficult to comprehend. After a number of visits to the doctor regarding chronic viruses, chest infections and exhaustion I have finally decided that I need to accept the extra help she is offering by way of speaking to someone.

If all else fails it can give me some rest time.. [Source]

This is something which she has been talking about for a couple months now and each time I have told her I am fine and that it wasn't necessary at all. But lately, the more exhausted I get mentally and physically, the more I think I need to make a change. I can recognise there is a problem and believe that surely this is the point where I have to accept the help. I would do a dis-service to myself refusing and trying to work through things alone when it really isn't happening.

Given the extra life stresses I have on top of things, I am doing pretty well. But now I finding days where I just struggle to find motivation to just get through the day. When there is a problem, there is always a solution. That is something I know to be true so why should I discount one of the possible solutions? 
   

Have you ever been to counselling or therapy? How did it help you?