I'm just a girl...

* I'm just a girl who doesn't know where she wants to be.

* I'm just a girl who loves her job but hates where she works.

* I'm just a girl who now self harms.

* I'm just a girl that uses no food as punishment when I am feeling sad.

* I'm just a girl who needs anti-depressants to function on a daily basis.

* I 'm just a girl trying to find her 'me' again.

* I'm just the girl who will try and push everyone away from me thinking it's best for them.

* I'm just a girl looking for some direction in my life.

*I'm just a girl with issues to deal with.

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I'm still here...

So this is awkward, Ive had such a break I almost don't know how to blog anymore. I didn't make a conscious decision to step away from my blog, it just sorta happened. I was beginning to feel better and that was great, but I was still suffering from extreme fatigue and the blogging was the part which had to go.

Having been on a new set of anti-depressants since February, I can finally say I am beginning to see a massive improvement in myself and others are no noticing too. I would say within the past 5 weeks I have felt more stable and in the last 2 I have seen a improvement in my energy and mood. I can't explain how good this makes me feel, I've been on anti-depressants since September and I have suffered with clinical depression since last January without even accepting it. As well as anxiety and stress.

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Now that I am starting to feel part of life again, I can see (finally) how far I have come and the strength which I have shown. Feeling like I was making progress was something I could not do, but now I have the big step I can see it. I feel like I am in life now and not just watching it pass me by. I can't say I will be back to blogging with the frequency I once was. But I will be blogging when I feel like I can. 

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Part of getting myself better is not placing expectations on myself and then feeling disappointed when I can not meet them. As much as I love blogging, I have to apply it to this as well. All parts of my life, whether it's work, fun times, shopping etc. I have to  set boundaries. Small steps at a time.

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I hope everyone in the land of blogging is well and I look forward to getting back into things!

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I did not want to carry it with me anymore - finding a calmness.

My latest weekend was much improved to the previous. I had more drive and actually did things other than just sleep. However, I had anger, lots of anger. I was angry at my predicament, angry that I am not getting better fast enough and angry that some days I feel so far from 'myself' that I am not sure I will ever find 'her' again.

Sunday morning was another early phone call with Miss Australia. We discussed how we were getting along, now we were coping and what things were positive and good in our lives. Slowing down was quite a big part of the conversation. I know myself that I buzz about, doing anything and everything to keep busy when at work - or at least I used to. Now, I find myself lethargic all the time and craving so much sleep that it is beyond normal. But I still try and push myself, I still try to run around like a crazy woman who squeezes 48 hours into 24.

I have begun to realise that I can not do that right now. It is not fair to try and push my body to do that when it is screaming at me to SLOW DOWN. So I have decided to try and listen. Slowing down is not going to do harm after all. I decided that I need to let go of what I 'expect' and 'want' to be able to do, but listen to what I am able to do. Some things I need to let go. 

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Not just in my work life, but also in my personal life. There are things I don't want or even need. Clinging and fighting are just ways to make myself more tired and cause the ongoing battle with my depression even worse. Looking after myself should be my number one priority. As the week has gone past, I have felt somewhat lighter and I wouldn't exactly say happy, but a little calmer. Understanding what I can deal with, what I can't deal with and what I shouldn't have to deal with has settled me a little. 

This settled feeling is nice. It has been some time since I have felt remotely settled. The happiness can take its time, it will be there again soon (I hope) or at least some minor form. But for this week, I am happy with 'settled'. This could change in a flash, after all the way I feel is purely dictated from the moment I open my eyes of a morning. There is no control, just how I wake up sets the tone for the day.

But maybe if I can hold on to some of this calmness and realisation of my own limitations and boundaries I can start to find moments of happiness to start building a new 'me'. A less fragile 'me'. I can only try. 

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How do you find your 'calmness' in the middle of a storm?

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Who do you wish you were?

I was in touch with Miss Australia last weekend. I met her while travelling America and I also visited her out in Australia where we travelled and had a fabulous time together. As of late, we have both been suffering from issues and she has been moving about Australia. We finally managed to speak to one another on the phone since Christmas.

Miss Australia is one of the most positive people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and I am so honoured to call her not just my friend, my best friend. Miss Australia helped me start to discover a more spiritual and positive side to my personality. 

When I spoke to her she said, " You still sound exactly like the same Missy I know. Happy and positive. You taught me how to indulge myself and look after myself, that's something I won't ever forget." 

I was shocked to hear this because all I felt like saying was, " Noo!! It's not me, I'm not me anymore. I am an impostor and not happy." But I held back. Later I thought about it and realised that often, when people compliment me these days, I am so quick to shut it down. They are seeing me as I am and maybe they (and my therapist) are right. I am still here. I am making progress.

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My acceptance and understanding is so foggy right now that I can't see the person I want to be. Perhaps I am trying to be someone else so badly that I have lost control of my identity which other people still see. It's quite an interesting thought, and one which I will be bringing up with my therapist this weekend. What if I am just too far removed from myself now that I can't find myself when I am right here?

Do you think you get so down on yourself that others see something in you that you don't?

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Hope - still believe even when it's hard.

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Hope. Such a small word but such a big meaning. All around us, people are holding out hope for various reasons. To me, hope is fading in and out right now. It never really goes, it sometimes just is so small to see and feel that I have to work extra hard to find it. My hope of feeling better and the fog of depression lifting is not easy. Too often I am still up and down.

Yesterday was a difficult day, I spend most of it in bed - absolutely zonked. I was then back to bed early. I woke up fine but by the time I had finished my breakfast, it hit me. Anxiety and panic. I sat, unable to move, unable to start getting dressed or washing my face. I was paralysed with fear and anxiety about work. Not the job itself, just the actual going out and putting on my 'I'm fine' face. 

This has happened before and I always manage to push past it and make it into work. Today, I couldn't. As I sat, trying to reason with myself and coax myself into standing up, to walking to the bathroom, to wash my face etc etc my body would not react. For once my mind over ruled everything. Nothing was going to happen. 

I then had to call work and after the way my acting head teacher (deputy) was during my phase back, I was even more panicked about calling. To put it politely, he has been a bit of a dick about things and I have not been supported. I feel this could be the contribution to the anxiety I feel for the place. So with shaking hands I called and told them I had been sick. I was too scared to tell him the truth, worried that in some way it would be held against me.

At this point, my hope today was at an all time low. I was disappointed at myself that I could not push through and felt like I had taken the easy option out. But as I lay in bed, I realised that I was looking after me. Thinking my boss would use the fact that I was suffering against me, made me realise that I have to look after myself because not many others will. 

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I know some people would laugh and wonder how I couldn't go in to work. They may also laugh at me 'not really being ill' because it was not able to be seen. But it is so real to me. The moment of waking every day not knowing which 'me' I am going to be. I miss just waking up and going about my day, happy and getting things done. Having the occasional deadline freak out but getting it done and celebrating with a night out. I still have the hope that I am there. But I know some days this hope will be hard to find. I have to rely on myself as there is no one helping me find it. As great as my friends are, I just want someone to tell me it's going to be ok and hug me. 

I have spend most of the day in bed just laying and thinking and dosing off into a dreamworld. I finally got up at 2pm for some food and I am now contemplating my next move after this blog post. I found a list of positive distractions on Pinterest. I think I may bake, again I can feel the panic rising that I am setting myself a task to do but I know once I get motivated I will enjoy it and it will take my mind off things. Plus, I get to eat sweet and tasty treats afterwards. 

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How do you keep hope alive when times are tough?

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Prozac Nation - Feels like we're all in that place.

I watched a film last week which really struck a chord with me. Prozac Nation. It is based on memoir by Elizabeth Wurtzel. During her University years, she suffered from depression and it chronicles the down spiral and her time of getting better.

Going through depression myself, this film really spoke to me. I still struggle to understand what I am going through and can not believe that I, of all people is suffering from this and anxiety. Part of the recovery is acceptance. 

In the film, Elizabeth struggles to accept her depression and this means it becomes more difficult for her to seek and also accept help. I can attest to this feeling. The feeling that you are spiralling down and you can't stop the spiralling but at the same time pretending that everything is fine. 

"...if you ask anyone in the throes of depression how he got there, to pin down the turning point, he'll never know. There is a classic moment in The Sun Also Rises when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt, and all he can say in response is, 'Gradually and then suddenly.' When someone asks how I lost my mind, that is all I can say too." -Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

This is beyond true. I can't pinpoint the moment, it was slowly then all of sudden it was as if I just fell of a ledge and that was it. The moment that you know you have depression is a shock. It still doesn't make it easy to accept help. It was at this point I decided to seek help.

My doctor, who had been calling me back to see her every 3 weeks for the previous 10 months, was amazing and when I spoke to her she was happy to help. I knew she had been waiting for me to understand what was happening, unlike some doctors who would happily just write out prescription upon prescription.

Telling my friends and parents was a different story. I felt comfortable with my doctor but telling my parents I was so unwell was difficult. After having seen them go through so much with the illness and loss of my big brother, I didn't want to make them worry even more. In the movie, Elizabeth's mam comes into her dorm room and complains how untidy the place while she just lies there. I didn't want this, I didn't want the fussing.

When I was at my worst, I could not get out of bed. I would lie and hope for the want to move but I couldn't, I would lie and want to move but not be able to. Work was near impossible, every morning I would cry and feel so fatigued. The tiredness became a painful darkness. Not just a tiredness which you feel better about when you have a sleep, a tiredness which gets heavier and weighs you down.

"...then one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live." -Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

It was hell. I would not wish depression on to anyone. I finally told my family and parents after two weeks on anti-depressants. I suffered problems with starting tablets and my anxiety shot through the roof. I wanted people to understand and they didn't. I had two close friends who supported me and showed an understanding. They have been my rocks. Eventually, my parents understood but it took some time. Having such a supportive doctor made things a lot easier. 

Even though my close friends were supportive, I tried to push them away. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin, that I didn't want them to have to 'put up with me'. Time after time they assured me they were not feeling that way. 

My depression began to define me and I let it. It is strange because even know, i have more down days than up days. I feel like the depression is an addiction in itself. I almost don't know what to do with myself when I am happy. I laugh or smile and shock myself. Am I really smiling?! What should I say? Do I actually want to be social? I feel almost comfortable in my depression. I know what to expect and I know how to behave. I can hide away from the world and people don't bother me. My two close friends have continued to keep in constant contact which is great of them. 

In the movie, Elizabeth finally decides to start taking anti-depressant tablets. Through this, the fog starts to lift but not go away. Again, I can attest to this. Even now,as my depression begins to lift slightly, it does not go. I often wonder if I will ever be totally free of this awful illness. From all my reading I know this is something which I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. Am I prepared to deal with this? I guess I have to because there is no other option. I will not give in. 

 

Have you found a way out of depression? How do you deal with the interim depression moments?

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*Images from Pinterest

 

Inspiration - Pinterest edition

I have been slightly MIA this week - I have been so tired of an evening. I think since increasing my medication dose, I have felt a lot more tired and 'sedated' this week. I am pretty sure this will be a start up side effect. On the plus side, I am sleeping more. Every cloud has a sliver lining I guess. 

So today I wanted to share some of my favourite inspiration quotes I have pinned lately. If you want to find me on Pinterest, click here.

I think the pins show that this week my thoughts have been on my own self and accepting myself as well as matters of the heart. It hasn't been an decision but I have tried to walk
away from certain things. I am hoping to not crumble and stay strong.

 

 

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You are enough.

You are important, don't forget that. Caring for others is important but if you don't care for yourself, or praise yourself you will find things difficult. Earlier in the week I wrote about saying nice things to yourself. Today I want you to be kind to yourself and accept things can go wrong, change, be amazing then not so good. 

I made a decision out of my pure stubborn attitude a couple days ago and I knew this was not good for me. I felt like I had to prove something to myself, that I didn't need any anti-depression medication at all. But deep down I realised I wasn't doing this for me, I was doing it for those who say we shouldn't use medication, those who don't believe in depression being 'bad' and it turns out I was just hurting myself.

By the time last night night came I was out of it, I was shaking and dizzy and feeling downright awful. I sat and thought - What the hell am I doing this for? Why am I putting myself through this for others? I am important and this is certainly not helping me. So I decided to get back onto them and quite frankly screw anyone who thinks I shouldn't be taking them. If I want to stop I will do it the safe way and consult my doctor. 

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We have nothing to prove to others, we need to prove things to ourself and do what is best for our health and life. I made a rash decision, it made me realise that I still have my fight in me but that I need to do it for me and no one else.

Have you ever made a rash decision and then realised you weren't doing it for you?

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What kind words have you said to yourself today?

I have been told, a number of times this last few months, that I am too hard on myself. When I was struggling and not understanding what was actually wrong with me, I was unbelievably rough on myself. On my bad days I would often tell myself, "Pull yourself together, what's wrong with you?" and then push to get on with the day. 

I am now learning to not be so hard on myself. I am a natural nurturer with others and I am often identified as the teacher who can deal with the troubled children and provide the emotional support. My calming nature is a positive side of me but I don't give the emotional support to myself. I have been told I set myself too high expectations and sometimes when I push on, I should just accept that I can't change my mood and let it be. This I am getting better with. 

I am and I can't change that. [Source]

I am having to start pushing back the negative thoughts and the blame I put on myself and start replacing them with positive thoughts. Easy? Not so much! I struggle to take a compliment some days. Yesterday I was positive towards myself and was encouraged by a positive day and the accomplishment of many things on my to do list. I was happy with this and thought I had done well.  Today, I got myself up and about and went into school. I was able to get some more of my to do list completed in school which was again, great stuff!

Everyone loves to hear nice things! [Source]

I stopped by to visit my Dad and spent the afternoon watching hockey and explaining the rules to my favourite sport. It was nice spending time with him and sharing one of my hobbies. It brightened his day and I know he was pleased to have some company. Since retiring his days are quieter and it's good for him to have company, especially with the loss of my brother just over a year ago. I can see he still has not dealt with the loss of his son. So having me visit this afternoon brightened his day a little. 

I want to say to 'me' today, I am making small steps, I am accepting the days when I am not quite 'me' and dealing with that. I am also adjusting to life back at work, it isn't easy but I am getting things done. So when I feel like I am not making progress I need to stop and think to myself: What kinds words can I say to myself today?

 So today I am asking you:

  

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Having your heart broken the day before Valentine's is not fun.

Today is Valentine's Day, or as single people know it as - "Day you're made to feel like crap for being alone" Day. I am not lucky in love, I never have been. My twin met her boyfriend on a night out in Uni, 7 years later married. It was all very linear and dare I say easy. 

I on the other hand, have dated many guys, not been able to say I love you and had my heart broken at least twice. The latest time was actually yesterday. After not hearing from Mr Canadian for a couple weeks, we caught up last night and it turns out he is seeing someone casually now. This was a bit of a blow to me to be honest.

I haven't really gone into too much detail with him but we dated a few years back, kept in touch when he returned to Canada, lost touch for a year, rekindled contact and been in contact ever since so at least 2 1/2 years. It was daily contact, flirting, talking about what we would do if we visited and basically it felt like a long distance relationship. 

We both skirted round the visiting issue and as you all know I have not had the easiest couple years. So last night's revelation was pretty much a slap in the face. I don't know what I expected but I didn't expect that. Having confided in him with my depression I feel like that has made him not be as bothered about me. I know this would not be the case and in the past when I've pushed him away saying if he needs a break from me that's fine, he's always said no and persisted in keeping contact with me.

However, I am so fragile right night, that is the first thought. It upsets me and I wonder if I have just been a silly girl to read too much into things or whether I have just been 'played' ? Am I not attractive enough for him?

I don't know, all I can say is that today, the day of love, I am feeling pretty loveless in the romantic sense and having to deal with a 'faux break-up' is not easy for me. Mr Canadain does not think we need to have time away from each other and no contact because we're friends, I have explained that I am hurt and that I always thought there was something between us. I think he wants his cake and wants to eat it!

To move to a positive note, I am spending time with my girl love!! She is visiting for a night in with pizza, The Office and good chatter. I may not have a man in my life but I have amazing friends and for that I am extremely grateful!

Happy love day to you all - cherish those who give you love and support all year round.

I also want to say a BIG thank you to all those who linked up their blog! I will be visiting each and every one to find new blog buddies! I think it's definitly something I would love to do again.

Images from: Pinterest

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Valentine's for the whole family!

Today is the start of 'Love Week' here at Take All Chances. With Valentine's Day at the end of the week I thought I would do some posts about love this week. Today's post is something which I have worked on with a contact regarding ways to celebrate Valentine's with the whole family! After all, love goes between the whole family and to show them love and spend time with them is a perfect treat!

Enjoy!

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3 Valentine’s Day Activities Your Whole Family Will Love

Valentine’s isn’t just about spending time with the person you love.  It is also about bonding with your kids and teaching them how important it is to appreciate and love their family.  By helping to challenge their minds and helping them get some exercise with fun Valentine’s themed games, you will not only be able to bond during the day as a family, but as they pass out from all of the fun, you get to enjoy your significant other at night.   

1. A Valentine’s Day Scavenger Hunt with Themed Clues

In a Valentine’s Day scavenger hunt, you’ll have your children searching for red heart-shaped clues that lead them to a fun activity and prize for the whole family.  First, assign each of your children his or her favorite cartoon or movie character- this will serve as the theme of your child’s scavenger hunt.  Write each of their first clues on a Valentine’s card featuring their assigned characters.  Many drugstores carry inexpensive movie- and television-inspired Valentine’s cards, or you can make your own using free Valentine’s Day cartoon printables from the internet.  Include a letter with the first clues explaining that their character has lost something he or she loves and needs your child’s help finding it.  Make sure to put your children’s first clues somewhere they won’t be able to miss, such as their bedroom doors or bathroom mirror. 

On the rest of the clues, include objects that are important to each of your children’s characters but are not what that character loves and is searching for.  If you’re using Aladdin, you can include a magic carpet on one clue and a genie lamp on another, but don’t include Princess Jasmine until the very end.  Make sure that your children’s clues always lead to the same locations throughout the hunt.  This way, they can brainstorm and work together in finding their next clues. What can be more fun for a parent than seeing their children work together!  

Once your children arrive at their final destination, glue a picture of what each of their individual characters have been searching for all along.  Leave a letter explaining that as a reward for working together, you’ll do a fun activity as a family later that evening.  This can be as simple as eating dinner at your children’s favorite restaurant or watching a movie together in new Valentine’s Day pajamas that your children can find as a prize for finishing the scavenger hunt.

Oh so pretty and cute! [Source]

2. “You’ve Melted My Heart” Pictionary

You’ve Melted My Heart Pictionary is a fun and simple Valentine’s guessing game that can help your whole family to be creative and have a blast. To begin, place water in heart-shaped ice cube trays, and add red food coloring to the water.  (If you don’t own a heart-shaped ice tray, you can find them at a local dollar store or very inexpensively on sites like Amazon.)  Have everyone write words or phrases on little strips of paper, and place the strips of paper in a bowl. The key to Valentine’s Pictionary is to relate all of the notes to Valentine’s Day or love. For example, one of the notes can say “Cupid’s arrow,” while others could say “secret admirer,” “initials carved into a tree,” or “Valentine’s Day candy.”  

Once the ice-shaped hearts have frozen, you’re ready to begin playing!  Have someone randomly pick a note out of the bowl.  Then, drop an ice heart into a container of warm water.  Whoever’s turn it is to be the artist can only draw for as long as the ice-heart has not completely melted.  When the ice has melted, it is up to the rest of the family to yell, “You’ve melted my heart!” and then have someone else take a turn being the artist.  Whenever someone guesses what the artist has drawn correctly, both that person and the artist get a point.  That way, everyone will do their best to draw the words or phrases well and guess correctly!  

The only way to play! [Source]

3. Heart-Shaped Baking and Valentine’s Day Cake Decorating

Having your children help you to bake and decorate mini heart-shaped cakes or a large Valentine’s Day family cake can be a lot of fun, especially since they’ll get to eat what they create!  While you’re baking, an adult must be present to supervise and make sure that children do not handle knives, use the oven, or use or touch anything that is hot, as this may be dangerous.

There are two ways you can create heart-shaped cakes.  The first, which is easier, is to have your children help you bake a large cake and then use a heart-shaped cookie cutter to cut out smaller cakes.  The second method is to use a large square pan and small, springform cylindrical cheesecake or cupcake pans.   If you are using this method, take the square cake and cut it into even squares.  The diagonal across the square should be the same size as the diameter of the cupcake or circle.  Next, slice each circular cake in half and place two half circles on two sides of the square on the top to form a heart.  

No matter if you choose to make mini-heart shaped cakes or a large Valentine’s Day family cake, having your kids help you to pour bake mix into the pan and decorate cake with Valentine’s Day candies, Hershey Kisses, and cute sayings like “Be Mine” or “I love you” can be a ton of fun for your children.  Make sure that everyone initials their mini-heart cakes or their slices of the Valentine’s Day family cake so you can take a picture of everyone’s creations before you begin eating! 

Yes please! [Source]

Valentine’s Day can be a wonderful opportunity to share special moments with your family.  By making a Valentine’s Day scavenger hunt, playing Your Melting My Heart Pictionary, or enjoying Valentine’s Day baking together, you can create activities that your whole family will love.  With these activities, you can help your family to grow closer and make Valentine’s Day special for everyone.  

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I don't know about you, but I love baking so heart shaped cakes is definitly a winner for me!

Have you got plans for the whole family this Valentine's? 

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Worked with : Crazy for Bargains