I almost had an 'I need a guy moment'.

I'm so pleased it's the weekend. Its been a long, long week! By the end I feel like I have accomplished quite a lot at work but the start is something I would like to forget. I was planning to visit my friend tonight but I just didn't have the energy. I felt like I was falling asleep on the way back home from work, let alone driving home later tonight. So a night in (as usual) is on the cards.

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I like having my nights in on my own. I have learnt to enjoy my own company as of lately. Going through what I am going through, I have had no option but to spend time alone. I am working to accept myself and acknowledge my small steps. I don't have to work on enjoying being alone, that is quite ok to me. I have always enjoyed time alone. I don't find it difficult. 

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Lately I have been feeling a little lonely some days. Like I want a relationship and I want to have the comfort of someone else even just to watch trashy tv shows with and snuggle on the sofa. I feel like this is a good sign. I am beginning to feel the urge to actually want to socialise. It can go as quick as it comes though and is replaced with crippling anxiety. Other times, I just wonder if I could actually trust a guy in my life right now. I haven't had that much luck in the past to prove otherwise. 

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Are you happy to see the end of this week?

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Who do you wish you were?

I was in touch with Miss Australia last weekend. I met her while travelling America and I also visited her out in Australia where we travelled and had a fabulous time together. As of late, we have both been suffering from issues and she has been moving about Australia. We finally managed to speak to one another on the phone since Christmas.

Miss Australia is one of the most positive people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and I am so honoured to call her not just my friend, my best friend. Miss Australia helped me start to discover a more spiritual and positive side to my personality. 

When I spoke to her she said, " You still sound exactly like the same Missy I know. Happy and positive. You taught me how to indulge myself and look after myself, that's something I won't ever forget." 

I was shocked to hear this because all I felt like saying was, " Noo!! It's not me, I'm not me anymore. I am an impostor and not happy." But I held back. Later I thought about it and realised that often, when people compliment me these days, I am so quick to shut it down. They are seeing me as I am and maybe they (and my therapist) are right. I am still here. I am making progress.

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My acceptance and understanding is so foggy right now that I can't see the person I want to be. Perhaps I am trying to be someone else so badly that I have lost control of my identity which other people still see. It's quite an interesting thought, and one which I will be bringing up with my therapist this weekend. What if I am just too far removed from myself now that I can't find myself when I am right here?

Do you think you get so down on yourself that others see something in you that you don't?

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Hope - still believe even when it's hard.

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Hope. Such a small word but such a big meaning. All around us, people are holding out hope for various reasons. To me, hope is fading in and out right now. It never really goes, it sometimes just is so small to see and feel that I have to work extra hard to find it. My hope of feeling better and the fog of depression lifting is not easy. Too often I am still up and down.

Yesterday was a difficult day, I spend most of it in bed - absolutely zonked. I was then back to bed early. I woke up fine but by the time I had finished my breakfast, it hit me. Anxiety and panic. I sat, unable to move, unable to start getting dressed or washing my face. I was paralysed with fear and anxiety about work. Not the job itself, just the actual going out and putting on my 'I'm fine' face. 

This has happened before and I always manage to push past it and make it into work. Today, I couldn't. As I sat, trying to reason with myself and coax myself into standing up, to walking to the bathroom, to wash my face etc etc my body would not react. For once my mind over ruled everything. Nothing was going to happen. 

I then had to call work and after the way my acting head teacher (deputy) was during my phase back, I was even more panicked about calling. To put it politely, he has been a bit of a dick about things and I have not been supported. I feel this could be the contribution to the anxiety I feel for the place. So with shaking hands I called and told them I had been sick. I was too scared to tell him the truth, worried that in some way it would be held against me.

At this point, my hope today was at an all time low. I was disappointed at myself that I could not push through and felt like I had taken the easy option out. But as I lay in bed, I realised that I was looking after me. Thinking my boss would use the fact that I was suffering against me, made me realise that I have to look after myself because not many others will. 

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I know some people would laugh and wonder how I couldn't go in to work. They may also laugh at me 'not really being ill' because it was not able to be seen. But it is so real to me. The moment of waking every day not knowing which 'me' I am going to be. I miss just waking up and going about my day, happy and getting things done. Having the occasional deadline freak out but getting it done and celebrating with a night out. I still have the hope that I am there. But I know some days this hope will be hard to find. I have to rely on myself as there is no one helping me find it. As great as my friends are, I just want someone to tell me it's going to be ok and hug me. 

I have spend most of the day in bed just laying and thinking and dosing off into a dreamworld. I finally got up at 2pm for some food and I am now contemplating my next move after this blog post. I found a list of positive distractions on Pinterest. I think I may bake, again I can feel the panic rising that I am setting myself a task to do but I know once I get motivated I will enjoy it and it will take my mind off things. Plus, I get to eat sweet and tasty treats afterwards. 

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How do you keep hope alive when times are tough?

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You are enough.

You are important, don't forget that. Caring for others is important but if you don't care for yourself, or praise yourself you will find things difficult. Earlier in the week I wrote about saying nice things to yourself. Today I want you to be kind to yourself and accept things can go wrong, change, be amazing then not so good. 

I made a decision out of my pure stubborn attitude a couple days ago and I knew this was not good for me. I felt like I had to prove something to myself, that I didn't need any anti-depression medication at all. But deep down I realised I wasn't doing this for me, I was doing it for those who say we shouldn't use medication, those who don't believe in depression being 'bad' and it turns out I was just hurting myself.

By the time last night night came I was out of it, I was shaking and dizzy and feeling downright awful. I sat and thought - What the hell am I doing this for? Why am I putting myself through this for others? I am important and this is certainly not helping me. So I decided to get back onto them and quite frankly screw anyone who thinks I shouldn't be taking them. If I want to stop I will do it the safe way and consult my doctor. 

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We have nothing to prove to others, we need to prove things to ourself and do what is best for our health and life. I made a rash decision, it made me realise that I still have my fight in me but that I need to do it for me and no one else.

Have you ever made a rash decision and then realised you weren't doing it for you?

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What kind words have you said to yourself today?

I have been told, a number of times this last few months, that I am too hard on myself. When I was struggling and not understanding what was actually wrong with me, I was unbelievably rough on myself. On my bad days I would often tell myself, "Pull yourself together, what's wrong with you?" and then push to get on with the day. 

I am now learning to not be so hard on myself. I am a natural nurturer with others and I am often identified as the teacher who can deal with the troubled children and provide the emotional support. My calming nature is a positive side of me but I don't give the emotional support to myself. I have been told I set myself too high expectations and sometimes when I push on, I should just accept that I can't change my mood and let it be. This I am getting better with. 

I am and I can't change that. [Source]

I am having to start pushing back the negative thoughts and the blame I put on myself and start replacing them with positive thoughts. Easy? Not so much! I struggle to take a compliment some days. Yesterday I was positive towards myself and was encouraged by a positive day and the accomplishment of many things on my to do list. I was happy with this and thought I had done well.  Today, I got myself up and about and went into school. I was able to get some more of my to do list completed in school which was again, great stuff!

Everyone loves to hear nice things! [Source]

I stopped by to visit my Dad and spent the afternoon watching hockey and explaining the rules to my favourite sport. It was nice spending time with him and sharing one of my hobbies. It brightened his day and I know he was pleased to have some company. Since retiring his days are quieter and it's good for him to have company, especially with the loss of my brother just over a year ago. I can see he still has not dealt with the loss of his son. So having me visit this afternoon brightened his day a little. 

I want to say to 'me' today, I am making small steps, I am accepting the days when I am not quite 'me' and dealing with that. I am also adjusting to life back at work, it isn't easy but I am getting things done. So when I feel like I am not making progress I need to stop and think to myself: What kinds words can I say to myself today?

 So today I am asking you:

  

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Having your heart broken the day before Valentine's is not fun.

Today is Valentine's Day, or as single people know it as - "Day you're made to feel like crap for being alone" Day. I am not lucky in love, I never have been. My twin met her boyfriend on a night out in Uni, 7 years later married. It was all very linear and dare I say easy. 

I on the other hand, have dated many guys, not been able to say I love you and had my heart broken at least twice. The latest time was actually yesterday. After not hearing from Mr Canadian for a couple weeks, we caught up last night and it turns out he is seeing someone casually now. This was a bit of a blow to me to be honest.

I haven't really gone into too much detail with him but we dated a few years back, kept in touch when he returned to Canada, lost touch for a year, rekindled contact and been in contact ever since so at least 2 1/2 years. It was daily contact, flirting, talking about what we would do if we visited and basically it felt like a long distance relationship. 

We both skirted round the visiting issue and as you all know I have not had the easiest couple years. So last night's revelation was pretty much a slap in the face. I don't know what I expected but I didn't expect that. Having confided in him with my depression I feel like that has made him not be as bothered about me. I know this would not be the case and in the past when I've pushed him away saying if he needs a break from me that's fine, he's always said no and persisted in keeping contact with me.

However, I am so fragile right night, that is the first thought. It upsets me and I wonder if I have just been a silly girl to read too much into things or whether I have just been 'played' ? Am I not attractive enough for him?

I don't know, all I can say is that today, the day of love, I am feeling pretty loveless in the romantic sense and having to deal with a 'faux break-up' is not easy for me. Mr Canadain does not think we need to have time away from each other and no contact because we're friends, I have explained that I am hurt and that I always thought there was something between us. I think he wants his cake and wants to eat it!

To move to a positive note, I am spending time with my girl love!! She is visiting for a night in with pizza, The Office and good chatter. I may not have a man in my life but I have amazing friends and for that I am extremely grateful!

Happy love day to you all - cherish those who give you love and support all year round.

I also want to say a BIG thank you to all those who linked up their blog! I will be visiting each and every one to find new blog buddies! I think it's definitly something I would love to do again.

Images from: Pinterest

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Show me how big your brave is!

Lately it seems as though my brave has had to be VERY big! Through personal problems, phasing back to work and general medication switches, my life has been pretty rough.

Last week I needed to have a meeting in school with HR. They have not been helpful at all and the thought of meeting was pretty stressful. After 3 weeks of cancellations (on their part) I finally made it on Friday. Prior to the meeting, I met with a Teaching Union member for support with legal rights etc. HR wanted me back to work after 4 weeks but nothing states the time frame. My doctor is in clear consultation and is advising my return.

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The school is fine with that but HR had other thoughts. After meeting with my Union, I was happy enough that I was right in my thoughts. I gained a copy of the Absence Guidelines and picked up my highlighter and went to work. If there is something which will give me a kick up the ass, it is something which is wrong. I looked through the document, highlighted and made notes. I was prepared for the meeting.

The day of the meeting, I felt so nervous and prepared myself for the worst. I am not exactly feeling at my best right now so this was something I was not looking forward to. But I dressed up and I showed up.

Alongside my Headteacher and Union Rep I went to the meeting and listened to HR. I was right, she was not the most friendliest of women (she didn't smile the entire time) and was pretty adamant that I be back full time straight away. Instead of sitting back, I stepped up and showed my brave!

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I discussed the notes I had made and also quoted the guidelines (set by her Local Authority) which disproved what she was saying. I also stated the facts that the school had not followed set guidelines for my initial absence and therefore subsequent phase return. Needless to say, this stunned her. She was definitely surprised that I had prepared and was taken aback. So how many weeks phase was I wanting? 8. That is all. 8. I am currently at 4 full days a week so I am not exactly 'slacking off'.

The outcome of the meeting was that she agreed to support the school and me with the 8 week phase back which made me extremely happy. I left the meeting feeling happy and proud that I had stood up for myself and put my health forts - something which I have not done recently.

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It's pretty nice feeling brave and that you have stepped up to the issue instead of taking the easy way out and shrinking back. Small steps I am told but this, this was a pretty big one. Oh, and it also felt nice to win!

Have you had a 'big brave' moment lately?

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As you can all see, I have a new blog design which I am pretty stoked about! It has been a while since I've had a change around here and I think it's pretty nice. All thanks to my BFF - DigitalDegu !

Also, more happiness, I was selected as Blogger of the Week by Female Blogger RT for my post:

When being real, isn't real enough - Aerie takes a stand!

Follow Female Blogger RT on Twitter for a chance to be Blogger of the Week. All you need to do is head to Female Blogger RT to get their button for your blog and tweet them in your blog post tweets. They will then retweet your post to all their followers! Simple!
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Oh how Pinteresting...

Some of my favourite pins of late: 

Damn right they're not... my new motto!

Something I am keeping in mind!

Don't be so hard on yourself, we all have meltdowns.

Oh, so many times a day!

Possibly the best advice ever?

Hope you're all having a good week! Come find me on Pinterest to share more pins!

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What if I am just too broken?

Am I broken? This is something I've thought about for some time now. The amount of times I've exclaimed, "What's wrong with me? Why am I like this?" over the past year is too many to count now. I feel like I am so out of sync it's unreal.

Some days I feel fine and don't mind being 'me'. However, more often than not, I just feel unhappy with myself and that I have lost the person I was. My therapist keeps reminding me that I won't be the same person I once was because after what I am going through I will learn new things and change. No one can go through such a time without changing.

This I understand. But the problem is that I don't know if I will ever feel 'me' again, whether a changed me I don't mind, just me. Feeling like you don't belong in your own skin is a strange feeling. I look in the mirror and don't like the person that looks back or sometimes I even feel sorry for it. I see unhappiness and confusion. People around me are telling me I am looking brighter, but that's easily faked, that's how I got to the low point I did. 

I keep thinking, 'What if I'm so broken, no one will have me?' I am not saying I want to settle down with the 2.4 kids right now at this moment. But it's in my future and at the moment, I have nothing to offer. I don't sleep well, I crash out when I return home from work and like to be in silence, I freak out at the idea of socialising and can't bear to have conversations sometimes. Not to mention the taking of anti-depressants and my 'off' days. Who wants that? No one.

I am trying, trying so desperately to 'fix' myself and I can't. I don't like living my life some days. Inside my mind is just darkness and cloudy. I can't see the future and I can't see true happiness. Not only that, I look tired and bloated and basically, a bit of a mess most days. Where do I go from here? If no one wants me, what can I do? I am happy enough alone at the moment but I starting to feel like I am missing something. 

This all seems rather self indulgent, that I am aware of and I am afraid that's where I am at right now. I don't want someone to come and 'fix' me, I want a constant in my life in someone who will stand by me and support. But I just don't think there is anyone to do that and deal with me now.

 

Maybe this is just a rut and I am hoping my mood will life once I become more stable on my medication once again. Perhaps I won't reach that place. At the moment it is just too difficult to see.

All images from : Pinterest



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My 2013 inventory - regret, changes and love.

What can I say about 2013 other than it pretty much sucked. I have had a struggle both mentally and physically and this is one struggle I am still working on. I thought 2013 was going to be a better year after the awfulness of 2012, but it wasn't to be. This year my inventory was actually easy to fill in. I have regret for not accepting help sooner and that is something I will always look back at and think - Why did I wait so long?

My 2013 Inventory

In 2014, I gained a greater understanding of my body and mind.

I lost happiness and joy of life.

I stopped caring about myself.

I started therapy.

I was hugely satisfied by making it through a difficult academic year.

And frustrated by struggling with depression and illness.

I am so embarrassed that I had to began treatment for depression and anxiety.

Once again, I had feelings for someone who does not treat me how I deserve.

Once again, I put others before myself.

The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is my hair is longer.

The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is that I have been diagnosed with depression and I know I'm not just broken and unhappy.

I loved having a couple of fantastic friends who have cared for me.

Why did I spend even two minutesthinking he could be different.

I should have spent more time looking after my body and mind.

I regret not accepting help sooner.

I will never regret giving therapy a second chance.

I am hard on myself way too much.

I didn’t see my issues before it was too late.

I nearly drove me crazy.

The most relaxing place I went was my living room.

Why did I not see there were health issues from the start of the year, rather than thinking it was just exhaustion.

The best thing I did for someone else was be there for them.

The best thing I did for myself was accept help for my depression.

The best thing someone did for me was support me and persist in looking after me (Doctor).

The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, be honest.

(Fill-in-the-blank template from Mary Schmich at The Chicago Tribune)


I hope you all had a beautiful New Year and I hope to be back in the New Year having found my blogging mojo again!

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Learning a lesson.

Over the past weeks I have gradually been improving. Most times when I have the off days I feel like everything is so bad but then a new day comes and I feel better. I am starting to realise these off days are less. The funny thing is that I almost didn't realise I was getting better. I had become so used to and perhaps comfortable with the feeling of darkness and numbness. Now when I laugh I sometimes stop myself like it's the wrong thing to be doing, when really it's something I should feel proud of. To come from the darkness I have is bloody hard work and that is something I need to give myself credit for.

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I am starting to see how badly I treated myself, thinking I didn't deserve things. Punished myself in gruelling work situations and pushed till I literally broke. I was not me, I couldn't recognise myself now looking back. It took, probably till now, since the beginning of the year till I have realised that I need to make some positive changes in my life and start to actually respect myself. I believe this experience has been dealt to me in order for me to learn and figure some things out.

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Have you ever felt a difficult time was sent to you in order to teach you something?

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Pinterest Inspiration - Life

I have had a bit of an up and down week just gone. My down days are becoming fewer and less intense and my good days are feeling clearer and brighter. This is keeping my hope going and helping me to have the patience and strength I need to get through this time. 

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Do you have any wise words of inspiration to stay strong?

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Be Inspired - Pinterest Edition

Be inspired and love your life!

If you want more inspiration, head over to my Pinterest (source of images). 

Happy hump day everyone, keep going!

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Mind and Body

Mind and Body - both are important to us and yet sometimes we forget the link they have, or at least I do. The past couple of weeks I have been searching the Internet for quotes to make me think and inspire me. My mind is not at a place I want it to be right now. My body needs to be worshipped and my mind needs to nurtured. Something I have not done in a long time. With that in mind, a good friend of mine sent me a link with 10 quotes to help you accept endings and embrace new beginnings. I was inspired after reading them and wanted to share with you all a couple of my favourites:

“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don't have to like it... it's just easier if you do.” – Byron Katie

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” – C. S. Lewis

The website also has many different recipes and articles about looking after your mind and health. It is definitely worth a good read. If you would like to read more of these quotes and articles follow the link below:

MindBodyGreen

How do you nurture your mind?

Lost...

Check out my pinterest for more [Source]

Sometimes we all have those difficult moments where we don't quite know who we are, where we are or even where we are going. Feeling lost can lead to great moments as well as moments of darkness. We all need to support each other in our lives as you never know when you will be the lost one, looking for some kind of light. 

Monday's Musings

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Happy Monday all! Hope you all have compassion and are surrounded by those you can open up to!

“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” - Benjamin Franklin

Today's post is all about education. Why? I have only just completed my first day back at school. The stage is set for 30 new minds to enter my classroom and be ready to learn all new and wonderful things. I may be a bit MIA this week but it will just be while I settle into my new routine again. 

Wish me luck!

 

 All images are from my Pinterest : Check it out by clicking here!