I did not want to carry it with me anymore - finding a calmness.

My latest weekend was much improved to the previous. I had more drive and actually did things other than just sleep. However, I had anger, lots of anger. I was angry at my predicament, angry that I am not getting better fast enough and angry that some days I feel so far from 'myself' that I am not sure I will ever find 'her' again.

Sunday morning was another early phone call with Miss Australia. We discussed how we were getting along, now we were coping and what things were positive and good in our lives. Slowing down was quite a big part of the conversation. I know myself that I buzz about, doing anything and everything to keep busy when at work - or at least I used to. Now, I find myself lethargic all the time and craving so much sleep that it is beyond normal. But I still try and push myself, I still try to run around like a crazy woman who squeezes 48 hours into 24.

I have begun to realise that I can not do that right now. It is not fair to try and push my body to do that when it is screaming at me to SLOW DOWN. So I have decided to try and listen. Slowing down is not going to do harm after all. I decided that I need to let go of what I 'expect' and 'want' to be able to do, but listen to what I am able to do. Some things I need to let go. 

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Not just in my work life, but also in my personal life. There are things I don't want or even need. Clinging and fighting are just ways to make myself more tired and cause the ongoing battle with my depression even worse. Looking after myself should be my number one priority. As the week has gone past, I have felt somewhat lighter and I wouldn't exactly say happy, but a little calmer. Understanding what I can deal with, what I can't deal with and what I shouldn't have to deal with has settled me a little. 

This settled feeling is nice. It has been some time since I have felt remotely settled. The happiness can take its time, it will be there again soon (I hope) or at least some minor form. But for this week, I am happy with 'settled'. This could change in a flash, after all the way I feel is purely dictated from the moment I open my eyes of a morning. There is no control, just how I wake up sets the tone for the day.

But maybe if I can hold on to some of this calmness and realisation of my own limitations and boundaries I can start to find moments of happiness to start building a new 'me'. A less fragile 'me'. I can only try. 

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How do you find your 'calmness' in the middle of a storm?

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Never throw anyone out.

I just wanted to share a quote with you all today. I haven't been the easiest to be around lately and I am thankful for those friends who have not thrown me out. I have a number of friends but feel that I can count 3 that have helped and supported me. Others have distanced themselves and readily accepted the distance which I have created. 

Feel happy with your friends and accept those who stick around during the rough times.

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You are enough.

You are important, don't forget that. Caring for others is important but if you don't care for yourself, or praise yourself you will find things difficult. Earlier in the week I wrote about saying nice things to yourself. Today I want you to be kind to yourself and accept things can go wrong, change, be amazing then not so good. 

I made a decision out of my pure stubborn attitude a couple days ago and I knew this was not good for me. I felt like I had to prove something to myself, that I didn't need any anti-depression medication at all. But deep down I realised I wasn't doing this for me, I was doing it for those who say we shouldn't use medication, those who don't believe in depression being 'bad' and it turns out I was just hurting myself.

By the time last night night came I was out of it, I was shaking and dizzy and feeling downright awful. I sat and thought - What the hell am I doing this for? Why am I putting myself through this for others? I am important and this is certainly not helping me. So I decided to get back onto them and quite frankly screw anyone who thinks I shouldn't be taking them. If I want to stop I will do it the safe way and consult my doctor. 

You [Source]

We have nothing to prove to others, we need to prove things to ourself and do what is best for our health and life. I made a rash decision, it made me realise that I still have my fight in me but that I need to do it for me and no one else.

Have you ever made a rash decision and then realised you weren't doing it for you?

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From the vaults: Love has always been the message...

Before we welcome the New Year, I thought I would share one of my posts where I mused about love. Love is powerful and something (even if we sometimes don't admit it) which we want and need. It's not easy though, and the older I get the harder I am finding it to just let go and accept love.

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4.3.2011: Love has always been the message 

I received a new album the other day. For those who read my blog you will know how much I love a band called Bright Eyes. If you are new....well I love Bright Eyes!

I got their new album yesterday and the opening track has this man speaking. I'm not sure who he is or what he does but it grabs your attention. Then he says a line, which even the first time I heard it, stood out for me. It was:

"And love's always been the message. It's just - circumstances happen, right? People freak out, just flat flip out, you know?"

It's true, people always want love and believe in it and try and live to a certain state of love however circumstances change everything sometimes. Yesterday I blogged about children's views changing. This is very  much what happens in love. Love (in most cases) develops quite out of the blue whether instantly or over a long time. Neither of which people expect. It can all be great and then circumstances happen. I don't need to even give examples of this as I am pretty sure you could all give me a number of these which has affected love for you. How do we control that 'flip flap' and stop ourselves freaking out. I myself am a person who wants love yet as soon as it comes near for some reason or another I become self destructive and 'freak out'. Sometimes I am aware of it, other times I will reflect and think.. why on earth didn't I just admit to how I felt? Things could've been oh so different.

I know that we all have free choice but I hope that the thought everything happens for a reason is true... the thought that I have ruined something is just not good. If you are in love.. hold on tight and if you are still waiting then accept it when it happens. We don't want to flip out do we?

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What I love about Christmas

It's nearly that time again - Christmas! Most people have a love/hate relationship with this time of the year with the business, family dynamics, decorating, shopping etc etc. Personally, I love this time of the year.

Family
I love my family and I love spending time with them all. Boxing Day is the big family day where all the family come to my parents and we have a big buffet. We all chat and mingle and just have a special day. Christmas day is one of my favourites, I head home and my twin and parents spend a special day together. I love the lazy morning and the quiet nap time in the afternoon and just that cosy day. 

Work families and home families come together.

Lights and sparkle
The only time of the year where the more twinkle and sparkle the better! When decorating my home I stood back and thought, hmm .. have I gone too overboard? But then told myself off because there is no such thing at Christmas. I love the dark nights and twinkling lights in town and the special decorations in the shopping malls. 

Good cheer
Christmas is the time of good cheer and even the most hardened 'bah humbug' people melt a little with the Christmas songs and the bad taste jumpers and the mistletoe!

Presents
I will not lie, I love presents. Both buying and receiving. I can't wait to see the faces as people open the pristine wrapped gifts I have bought. I like the excitement of the surprises in my Christmas bags. This year, there was nothing I needed so all gifts are a surprise. This is something which I still get excited for when trying to sleep Christmas Eve.

Ahh Michael Scott - The great crusader of Christmas presents!

I hope you are all feeling festive and are looking forward to some Christmas cheer!

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Learning a lesson.

Over the past weeks I have gradually been improving. Most times when I have the off days I feel like everything is so bad but then a new day comes and I feel better. I am starting to realise these off days are less. The funny thing is that I almost didn't realise I was getting better. I had become so used to and perhaps comfortable with the feeling of darkness and numbness. Now when I laugh I sometimes stop myself like it's the wrong thing to be doing, when really it's something I should feel proud of. To come from the darkness I have is bloody hard work and that is something I need to give myself credit for.

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I am starting to see how badly I treated myself, thinking I didn't deserve things. Punished myself in gruelling work situations and pushed till I literally broke. I was not me, I couldn't recognise myself now looking back. It took, probably till now, since the beginning of the year till I have realised that I need to make some positive changes in my life and start to actually respect myself. I believe this experience has been dealt to me in order for me to learn and figure some things out.

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Have you ever felt a difficult time was sent to you in order to teach you something?

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Happiness is only real when shared.

Today was a lazy Sunday. I slept in and after being up another hour I needed to have a lie down again. Maybe it was the sedatives I am prescribed to help sleep or maybe I was just tired. Either way, I was in a 'slow' and 'quiet' mood today. As I was lying on the floor (yep, I hadn't even made it back to the sofa from checking my phone), I saw the DVD, 'Into the Wild'. I have had this sitting for the best part of a year, waiting to be watched. Today, I decided, was the day.

I have to admit, I didn't totally know what this film was about. I had a basic idea but other than that I waded in pretty unsure which I liked. I could watch and form my own opinions as the film went on. As I watched the movie and became engrossed in the adventures of the lead, Alex Supertramp (Christopher McCandless) as he worked his way to Alaska. After college, he gave all his savings to charity, packed up a bag and left his family without a word, never to speak to them again.

The film, produced and directed by Sean Penn, documents his travels and the lives he touched along the way. As I watched it I became engrossed in his struggles and in awe of his happiness and wonderment of the things and experiences he saw. It was heart warming and touching.

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He made friends and these people were the same as me - in awe of this young man making a journey to find, what seemed like, happiness. There are pointers to a difficult childhood and destructive parents throughout. I got the feeling he was looking for something, not necessarily trying to love without the constraints of society. Yes, that was a big part due to the family upbringing, but it seemed he wanted something more. At the end he comes to the conclusion of, 'Happiness is only real when shared.'

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The past few months, happiness is something I have somewhat struggled with. When I have had brief moments of happiness I have been shocked and felt guilty and odd for smiling. It is like I have become used to the feeling of depression, it has become my 'normal' mode and kinda comforting. Happiness is important and we can find it in so many places without even looking.

I have spent a lot of time alone recently and I have had moments of happiness. But I have sought to be alone, I preferred that to being in groups. I couldn't stand to make conversation or be in social situations. The thought of having to make myself smile was just too much energy which I didn't have. I began to think that being alone was the best thing for me - you read so many things which say be around others but I disagreed. I much preferred being by myself and not feeling the pressures to 'put on a show' which I had felt the the whole year. It became exhausting.

I was just that, exhausted and began to think being alone was the best thing I could do. As my medications and therapy began to work, I realised this was not true. I realised that having others around me was extremely important. I an share my smiles and the fun things I see. During therapy, we are pursuing the walls which I have built around me and I am trying to understand the reasons behind why I do this. Why I don't let people in. But, through all of this I am realising the importance of others.

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Friendships and families are important. You don't have to spend all day every day with other people, in fact learning to be alone is a skill in itself, but having contact and sharing is important. Finding the happiness and sharing it makes us whole. As the film carries on, the main character finishes his soul searching and when tries to go back to civilisation can not. The time gets harder and it seems to suddenly dawn on him that - Happiness is only real when shared.

Obviously, my opinions on the movie are just that - opinions. But in thoughts to the happiness shared - I truly believe that happiness is only real when shared. Even if you experience the happiness alone (like 'Alex' in the movie), sharing that later with another person makes it real. As I begin to find myself and feel more positive, I am finding the happiness again and wanting to share it with others and not to stay in my own shell. I am not saying I will let anyone into my life, because I won't. But, I will start to let those close to me in once again and share the happiness. Christmas seems like the perfect time to do this.


Also, check out the soundtrack, it is amazing and has many fantastic Eddie Vedder songs:

"You think you have to want more than you nee."

Remember, share the happiness.

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Love - don't be a chicken.

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I do this thing, this thing where whenever I start to feel close I push away. It's not big and it's not clever. It certainly does not help my love life! I am not one to use the love word towards people easily. I find it difficult, not only to say it but to open up to people. Currently, I am in a complicated situation with Mr Canada and we're both playing chicken, wondering who will crack first. We are so similar it's painful sometimes. But I am starting to wonder if it's even worth it? I know you have to stick your chin out and accept it but where does that courage come from? Who helps you with it? It seems my life has been so unstable lately that this connection with him has deepened but we're both scared of it. We're happy but seem so determined to play it down. 

When you just want to be honest, how can you give yourself that extra push?

Good days, bad days and the inbetween.

As I have previously stated, accepting depression in my life has been one of the hardest things I have personally had to deal with. Since allowing that realisation into my life, I have slowed down my pace and began to look after myself more. I am still not quite able to relax from work and I am constantly dreaming about the place in my time off from there but at least I am away from it while I sort my head out.

Taking anti-depressants are exactly how your read about - living hell for the first few weeks. They made everything heightened. My stress and anxiety went through the roof. My hands would shake and appetite totally went. Reading up on the tablets, I seem to have had it easier than others which is definitely lucky! But it didn't make me feel any better about the constant drowsiness I was encountering alongside everything else.

On my good days I wake up and feel ready to tackle the day. I am not saying I am superwoman and ready to buzz about like I used to but I fee like I can deal. I complete small tasks about the house and go out. I am happy, I feel like things are going in the right direction.

Oh, but that's not allowed. Depression and anti-depressants taunt and the next day ... bam! It's a down day. What do my down days look like? Well, I wake early then doze till about 9. Then I lay in bed till 2pm, awake, but just unable to leave my bed. I lie and think of the things I need to and should be doing but I can't move regardless. Then I realise that I must get some food so drag myself out of bed, grab a bowl of cereal then take up residence on the sofa. Now what? Watch TV for an hour, turn it off and sleep until 6pm. Make a cup of tea, grab a quick bite to eat. Watch more TV then go to bed.

Keep going [Source]

Then there are the in between days. When I doze till mid-day, get up and potter about the house with the intentions of doing things. Watch TV and don't nap. Make myself a healthy dinner then later have a nice bubble bath. But still I am not able to get up and go out but i am happy with own co0mapny and my head isn't too foggy.

This is now coming up to my 4th week on the tablets and I am not so sure I am seeing much of change but I think that is partly due to how bad they set me back. I am persisting because I know these will help me and allow me to cope and work through my feelings. But my goodness, they sure don't make it easy!

Maybe  I should be using this time to look at changes? [Source]

Any advice how to stay positive during these tough times?   Find me: twitter/bloglovin/pinterest/instagram  

Blog Besties - Cyber Love

Today I have had a last minute switch up of posts due to the amazing blog post from Rebecca over at Forever after Undecided : Cyber Love for Grown-Ups

We have been blog besties for years now and I received a message telling me to check out her blog today (not that I wouldn't of course). I have to admit that I actually teared up reading it. I nodded along with every word and sentiment and ever teared up! Between us we have definitely been through a lot of difficult times and she has been there to help me. Even more so than some of my friends who are where I live. I know I can trust her to understand my 'down days' and help me see the positive in times when I can't see it myself.


Head on over to her blog and show my blog bestie some love today! Perhaps you could share stories of your own blog friendships?

Thank you for the kind words Miss Rebecca!       Today I am linking up with Leeann. Head on over and join in the hop with your own gossip!

A rut...

“Very often we are our own worst enemy as we foolishly build stumbling blocks on the path that leads to success and happiness.”

 Louis Binstock

You know when you have that feeling, that feeling like you are on top of your feelings, work load, your thoughts and life in general. Then BAM, all of sudden it hits you that you're not. Well that's me. I became such a stronger person over the last couple of months, and I still feel like I am but I am now having to fight so many things to stay this way and that in itself is so difficult.

In a lot of ways the above quote describes me. I manage to make things harder for myself in many ways. Be it the amount of work I take on, my crazy ideas, my allowance of my thoughts to drive me crazy and unwittingly allowing the past to have some effect on the way I behave in the now.

At the moment, I am  trying to get past some kind of flu like illness which is unknown. It's just hanging around and making me feel oh so tired and I think that contributes to my fragile feeling nature at the moment. It's so hard to be a strong person when you feel weak in body. 

How do you keep your head up and keep moving forward when all you want to do is keep still and silent? You just have to, you gotta keep going and sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to do this. Each person has their own weakness and when that kicks in, things are difficult, and you feel all the better when you hit that grounded state of mind again.

It may seem like this post is some kind of pity post but it's just some kind of mental babbling on screen based on my feeling of out of synchness. Who doesn't have one of these moments once in a while? I'm gonna keep going, finding the happiness and work out the rut (and get better).

I was having a browse through pintrest and came across something which made me sigh and I realised that at this moment in time it was all I wanted. Just one of those days when even surrounded by people, you can feel so alone and that feeling of being needed is enough to put a smile on your face.

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How do you get out of ruts be them big or small? 

Staying positive...

Since returning from my travels, I feel a lot more positive about what I want from life and those around me. I have realised a lot of this will happen through hard work teamed with positivity. After all, if you're feeling negative about something whether you feel like you don't deserve it or it's too hard etc, you will find it extremely difficult to succeed!

At the moment I seem to have become poorly which is making my ability to stay positive very difficult. I feel like crap therefore my mood is slipping to match it.I am trying so very hard though to stay positive and prepare well for the new school term starting. This got me to thinking how to keep the new found positivity so obviously I turned to my best friend...Google!!

Here are some of my favourite ways to stay positive:

- Whenever you respond to a situation make sure you feel calm. If not, pretty much the only response you will have is a negative one. Calm down first.

- Talk to a positive friend who can encourage you.

- Remember your favorite quotes as these can give you motivation and encouragement.

- Slow down. The more you rush about the more anxiety you feel which inevitably leads to feeling stressed and negative.

- Be yourself. Make sure you are happy in yourself and this will radiate positivity and confidence.

I very rarely share photos which involve me but it felt right for this post. On one of our stops on my travels, we went to an Apple Pie Bakery/Restaurant in Canada. Many went to eat but me and Miss Aussie were feeling cooped up after being on the bus and had far too much energy therefore we decided to just run around, take photos with the animals on the golf course (yea...I have no idea what this place is but it had a giant apple haha) and basically act like kids. We just didn't care and were happy to just be silly. At this moment we both felt positive and happy and it's a nice moment to remember.

Oh so happy...

I know some sound cheesy and pretty easy to do but when we start feeling negative it's amazing how fast we lose control over our emotions. I for one will be trying to remember some of these once I get back to work!!

What do you do to stay positive?

Quote of the day Monday...

At this moment I will be somewhere in Canada, possibly travelling to a new destination, partying,seeing new sights or sleeping ...I don't know( I can't figure out time differences in advance) so when I was thinking of a quote for today I thought what better than to have a travel quote.

A good friend of mine, Mr Music, loves the author Jack Kerouac. For years and years he has told me to read 'On the Road'. I trust him that it's a good book but I just never felt the time was right to read it. But now... that time is here. I have taken it away with me to read and I hope it makes me feel even more inspired. Therefore today's quote is from Jack Kerouac. I also hope my trust in him is well deserved...I'm sure it will. After all he is the one to introduce me to so many new bands which I just love.

When deciding whether to go away over the Summer alone I did spend a lot of time wondering whether it was the 'right'  thing to do. It may seem that it's not a huge thing, but for me, to do something by myself was a big step. I thought about the people I would let down when I said I couldn't go away with them or those who wondered if I was stupid to go alone (even though I would be with a group). I reached the point where I thought-'I don't care'. I didn't mean this in a selfish and mean way, I just thought for once I should put my wants first. If I want to do something I should do it now while I can. After some chats with Miss Twin I felt more confident that people would be happy for me and see it as the opportunity it was...a very special one.

So while this quote is here now, I will be having fun, learning new things and above all I will be happy!

Enjoy the quote!

What makes a good teacher?

I love my job (but loathe the paperwork) and I always want to make the kids enjoy school as much as possible. I realised today just how much kids can idolise their teacher when one said to me:

"Miss...I got up early today. I got up early because I wanted my Mam to style my hair like you wear yours. But she couldn't do it."

Now, my hairstyle is nothing exciting and the only reason I'm wearing it like it is at the moment is because I need to get my fringe sorted out! This made me feel happy (and also thought the parent would hate me for being harassed to do a hairstyle) and realise that as much as it feels like I'm so busy and weighed down by paperwork, the kids are still enjoying the lessons and I am having an impact in not only their learning but the way they behave (and obviously the way they look). Another child I found out changes into leggings and tunic tops to try and look like me when she gets home to play teachers! Flattered or scared? I don't know! haha!

I wondered, "What do I do to make the kids enjoy their education and like me as their teacher?" I came up with some thoughts which I had about my favourite teachers at school and realised they made me the teacher I am today.

No shouting

I don't shout at kids. I hate shouting. On the odd occasion where a child has done something so naughty that I have had to shout people are actually shocked since I never usually do it. I think that so many kids think that shouting is the only way to talk or solve problems. In my eyes, once you've shouted you've lost control of your own feelings and the situation at hand. I go with the more stern voice and talk about things logically and I can tell you that it's worked a treat this year (and in the past).

Talk

Basically, I am known as a good talker. I don't really like silence when I'm around people, it's awkward and uncomfortable. In the classroom this helps as I talk to the children. Again, at home there are lots of kids who are barely spoken to. They struggle to verbalise anything because they aren't used to a conversation. I share my life with them and they share what they are looking forward to or happy about and even what they are sad about. If I'm open with them they will feel confident to share their feelings with me and therefore the classroom environment is a very team like environment. Everyone looks out for one another.

Patience

The biggest thing to have when teaching is patience. There are times when I get frustrated, cross, ill or just plain tired. This is the time when I'm at my weakest, the time when the smallest of things will make me want to cry or shout. But, I take a deep breath and continue. I have a child who pretty much forgets to use full stops every time in their writing. Every time I make a joke about the full stops 'running away' and I sit and go through their work with them to put them in the correct place. One day it will stick but till that day I will soldier on like I do showing incredible patience.

Finding the good in everything

I want to share some of my kids work:

Our new jungle display!

Animals from my lower group...I do teach them - honestly!

Jungle adventure...

Jungle adventure...

What was it that made a teacher your favourite when you were at school?

*Ash cloud watch- seems to be fine at the moment! However I am now becoming ill! Booo!! I hope both stay away!!

Making choices...

Today I was talking a lot about making choices with my class. Quite often my conversations with kids will go like this:

Me: You chose to do the wrong thing, you can't blame anyone else.

Child: But so and so told me to.

Me: If so and so told you to jump off a roof would you?

The good old, bog standard British excuse to to someone saying another person told them to do something. When kids are growing up they find it so hard to realise that actually, they make their own choice in behaviour regardless of whether someone has told them to do something or not. My kids have this in their mind now and I very rarely have the above conversation now, however, when they get older this isn't how things work.

Regardless of how often we make our own choices, there are many which even as an adult are made for us by the 'higher powers' of government and managers etc. We try and instill this value by allowing kids to make choices about their behaviour and generally the running of the school e.g. timetables is all set for them. This will hopefully make children realise that as you grow older, their own behaviour choices are so important.

We also discussed how to make someone special happy by making the right choice and most answers revolved around the idea of compromise. They all choose to do things such as play a friends game, play a game with their brother and take turns at being in goal. As a grown up compromise so often goes out the window. Due to the stresses and craziness of lives, people tend to become quite self-focused. This isn't on purpose it just happens. 

That's one thing I like about blogging and reading blogs- it opens your eyes up to other people and things they're going through or feeling and it's nice to have that back. Basically, I think a lot of people (myself included sometimes) need to focus on how to make the right choice to make other people happy. By working all the time I make the wrong choice as this gives me less time to spend time with friends and family. Maybe I should make a choice to spend less time working to make others happy. It's hard and quite often choices are but after all, you get what you give. 

What about you? Is there any choice you could make to try and make someone happy that maybe you sometimes forget about or just know that they're always there anyway?