Having your heart broken the day before Valentine's is not fun.

Today is Valentine's Day, or as single people know it as - "Day you're made to feel like crap for being alone" Day. I am not lucky in love, I never have been. My twin met her boyfriend on a night out in Uni, 7 years later married. It was all very linear and dare I say easy. 

I on the other hand, have dated many guys, not been able to say I love you and had my heart broken at least twice. The latest time was actually yesterday. After not hearing from Mr Canadian for a couple weeks, we caught up last night and it turns out he is seeing someone casually now. This was a bit of a blow to me to be honest.

I haven't really gone into too much detail with him but we dated a few years back, kept in touch when he returned to Canada, lost touch for a year, rekindled contact and been in contact ever since so at least 2 1/2 years. It was daily contact, flirting, talking about what we would do if we visited and basically it felt like a long distance relationship. 

We both skirted round the visiting issue and as you all know I have not had the easiest couple years. So last night's revelation was pretty much a slap in the face. I don't know what I expected but I didn't expect that. Having confided in him with my depression I feel like that has made him not be as bothered about me. I know this would not be the case and in the past when I've pushed him away saying if he needs a break from me that's fine, he's always said no and persisted in keeping contact with me.

However, I am so fragile right night, that is the first thought. It upsets me and I wonder if I have just been a silly girl to read too much into things or whether I have just been 'played' ? Am I not attractive enough for him?

I don't know, all I can say is that today, the day of love, I am feeling pretty loveless in the romantic sense and having to deal with a 'faux break-up' is not easy for me. Mr Canadain does not think we need to have time away from each other and no contact because we're friends, I have explained that I am hurt and that I always thought there was something between us. I think he wants his cake and wants to eat it!

To move to a positive note, I am spending time with my girl love!! She is visiting for a night in with pizza, The Office and good chatter. I may not have a man in my life but I have amazing friends and for that I am extremely grateful!

Happy love day to you all - cherish those who give you love and support all year round.

I also want to say a BIG thank you to all those who linked up their blog! I will be visiting each and every one to find new blog buddies! I think it's definitly something I would love to do again.

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What is love?

The word love is used all the time in day to day conversations. But sometimes, that 4 letter word can have quite an effect on a person. Especially in the romance sense.

[Source]

 Those 4 words can be a pleasure to hear or just knock you for six and lead to heartbreak.

When I asked the kids in my class last year, 'What is love?' before my sister's wedding, a couple responses were:
"When you don't date anyone else."
"When you go out to restaurants and hold hands."

Both very sweet responses and to be honest, both are aspects of love. Love to me is many different things all in one. I don't think it is easy to explain and lots of things relating to love are feelings and not tangible or things which can be seen. 

I have never been the best person accepting love. I am the type of person who freaks out when I know someone is getting close and I push away. Why? I am not really sure. I love the closeness of love, that feeling that you have someone you can talk to anything about, who supports you and who you can just have fun with. But when I start to feel close I push the person away by acting distant or just becoming panicked. This is where love takes on a personal meaning to me, it means to keep supporting me and not allow me to push you away. I don't mean this in a selfish give, give, give way. Just a give me time and show me I can trust. My closeness issues in love come from not trusting and expecting someone to walk away. However, once I trust someone I am 100% in it (friendships and love).

Ok...if you insist [Source]

To me, being in love is going out and about, spending nights on the sofa watching rubbish tv and still having fun, being able to support one another through good and bad and obviously having great chemistry. I've had a fair few bad times of late and I think having had someone by my side, it may have been somewhat easier to go through the changes in my life. But it has made me stronger and dertermined to find someone who is right for me.

If you're looking for love, I hope you do... [Source]

I am happy for love and ready for love but I won't be jumping in to anything! I want to know it's right and I want to know the person is someone who is honest and I can trust. I am quite the nurturer and I give so much I would like to find someone who doesn't use that to their advantage. 

I am not sure I have even answered my own question at the end of this? What about you - do you have thoughts on what love is? I would love to read your comments!

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