Going through depression myself, this film really spoke to me. I still struggle to understand what I am going through and can not believe that I, of all people is suffering from this and anxiety. Part of the recovery is acceptance.
In the film, Elizabeth struggles to accept her depression and this means it becomes more difficult for her to seek and also accept help. I can attest to this feeling. The feeling that you are spiralling down and you can't stop the spiralling but at the same time pretending that everything is fine.
"...if you ask anyone in the throes of depression how he got there, to
pin down the turning point, he'll never know. There is a classic moment
in The Sun Also Rises when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went
bankrupt, and all he can say in response is, 'Gradually and then
suddenly.' When someone asks how I lost my mind, that is all I can say
too." -Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation
This is beyond true. I can't pinpoint the moment, it was slowly then all of sudden it was as if I just fell of a ledge and that was it. The moment that you know you have depression is a shock. It still doesn't make it easy to accept help. It was at this point I decided to seek help.
My doctor, who had been calling me back to see her every 3 weeks for the previous 10 months, was amazing and when I spoke to her she was happy to help. I knew she had been waiting for me to understand what was happening, unlike some doctors who would happily just write out prescription upon prescription.
Telling my friends and parents was a different story. I felt comfortable with my doctor but telling my parents I was so unwell was difficult. After having seen them go through so much with the illness and loss of my big brother, I didn't want to make them worry even more. In the movie, Elizabeth's mam comes into her dorm room and complains how untidy the place while she just lies there. I didn't want this, I didn't want the fussing.
When I was at my worst, I could not get out of bed. I would lie and hope for the want to move but I couldn't, I would lie and want to move but not be able to. Work was near impossible, every morning I would cry and feel so fatigued. The tiredness became a painful darkness. Not just a tiredness which you feel better about when you have a sleep, a tiredness which gets heavier and weighs you down.
My doctor, who had been calling me back to see her every 3 weeks for the previous 10 months, was amazing and when I spoke to her she was happy to help. I knew she had been waiting for me to understand what was happening, unlike some doctors who would happily just write out prescription upon prescription.
Telling my friends and parents was a different story. I felt comfortable with my doctor but telling my parents I was so unwell was difficult. After having seen them go through so much with the illness and loss of my big brother, I didn't want to make them worry even more. In the movie, Elizabeth's mam comes into her dorm room and complains how untidy the place while she just lies there. I didn't want this, I didn't want the fussing.
When I was at my worst, I could not get out of bed. I would lie and hope for the want to move but I couldn't, I would lie and want to move but not be able to. Work was near impossible, every morning I would cry and feel so fatigued. The tiredness became a painful darkness. Not just a tiredness which you feel better about when you have a sleep, a tiredness which gets heavier and weighs you down.
"...then one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not
worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human
existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live." -Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation
It was hell. I would not wish depression on to anyone. I finally told my family and parents after two weeks on anti-depressants. I suffered problems with starting tablets and my anxiety shot through the roof. I wanted people to understand and they didn't. I had two close friends who supported me and showed an understanding. They have been my rocks. Eventually, my parents understood but it took some time. Having such a supportive doctor made things a lot easier.
Even though my close friends were supportive, I tried to push them away. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin, that I didn't want them to have to 'put up with me'. Time after time they assured me they were not feeling that way.
My depression began to define me and I let it. It is strange because even know, i have more down days than up days. I feel like the depression is an addiction in itself. I almost don't know what to do with myself when I am happy. I laugh or smile and shock myself. Am I really smiling?! What should I say? Do I actually want to be social? I feel almost comfortable in my depression. I know what to expect and I know how to behave. I can hide away from the world and people don't bother me. My two close friends have continued to keep in constant contact which is great of them.
In the movie, Elizabeth finally decides to start taking anti-depressant tablets. Through this, the fog starts to lift but not go away. Again, I can attest to this. Even now,as my depression begins to lift slightly, it does not go. I often wonder if I will ever be totally free of this awful illness. From all my reading I know this is something which I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. Am I prepared to deal with this? I guess I have to because there is no other option. I will not give in.
Have you found a way out of depression? How do you deal with the interim depression moments?
Find me:
*Images from Pinterest
No comments:
Post a Comment