Life of a Sport's Wife

Today I am introducing you to a new sidebar sponsor. It's time to welcome Jessa from 'Life of a Sport's Wife' to my blog. If you sports, pink and working out you will love this lady! Jessa has a wonderful little family and likes to share her life with you all. 

Take it away Jessa!

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Fun Facts!

1. My favorite color is PINK!!!

2. I am super organized, and don't go anywhere without my planner (I would be lost without it).

3. I could spend all day in IKEA. 

4. I own my Etsy store, Pearls N Stitches - yes, that is my shameless plug! I love my store because I get to be creative and what I really love to do which is being crafty.

Me and the hubby!

This holiday I am looking forward to starting to create our own traditions. I don't know why but I have been in a sappy holiday mood. I want to have holiday traditions to pass down to our kids. Right now the only kid we have is our 4 legged furbaby, Heisman Barkley.

Other posts you will love from Jessa 

About Jessa

Simple Pleasures

I'm an official blogger  

Bottoms Up 

Find Jessa here:

 Twitter/ BlogLovin'/ Facebook 

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Hope you enjoy getting to know Jessa and stop by her blog to say 'Hi!'.

This weekend will be a busy one for me. I am officially starting Christmas shopping - late, I know! But, me and Miss Twin are heading to the shops to get cracking on our rather long list - ho!ho!ho! I also have a few episodes of 'Friday Night Lights' to catch up on. About halfway through Series 5 now. Just to ease the pain of holiday stress here is a picture of Mr Tim Riggins for all you fans out there (he's not in S5, so this is for me as much as you guys):

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What is there to live for?

Since suffering from depression (before and after diagnosis), I have had my fair share of 'down days', as I affectionately call them. These days bring a feeling which is difficult to describe. I can't get out of bed and when I do, I only make it as far as the sofa. It is almost like some black cloud is hanging over me, following me wherever I go. I don't feel positive and I also question my life and things around me. Sometimes I dislike myself with feelings of worthlessness. 

What is the point? This is a common question I ask myself on these 'down days'. But, I have never thought I'd be better off not being in this world. That is something I can't say I have fully experienced. Once or twice I have thought about what it would be like if I wasn't here but never that I would do anything to myself. I always hope I will never get so far to do anything like that to myself.

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These kind of days are difficult to deal with, even more so when they are so often that I am surprised when I have a good day. But this can crash down so quickly you don't even realise. The darkness becomes the reality in which I live in. 

So how do I cope? Well, since the introduction of anti-depressants, I have began to feel the down days are outnumbered by the good days. I have also had to look around me to find the reasons to live. Now this isn't a big, grand scheme of my place in this world. It's the little things.

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In our lives, we all move so fast and are so easily made to think thoughts and ideas from the media around us. We are told what is 'normal' and we take in everything we are given. So much so, that in this whirlwind of life, we begin to miss the little things. The things which we almost take for granted or even in some cases, neglect to see or experience. 

Finding these 'little things' again, has taken me some time. In a life where I threw myself into work for a number of reasons and had the black cloud of depression following me, these became difficult to see. In recent weeks, I have ended my days by recording what I am thankful for in that day. Sometimes, this can be difficult - but by doing so I have been able to start opening my eyes up to the things which I have not seen for some time. I am looking for them and becoming more aware of these things in my life. I am appreciating them and being thankful that I am lucky to have them.

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On the down days, I struggle and search harder. But each time it shows me, there is always something there to live for. Something to be thankful or happy about. We may not be able to choose happiness (believe me, I am not exactly turning it away) but we can try and find it when it's gone. Forget what we are told to like and not like, find your own little things.

How do you make sure you don't forget the 'little things' in life?

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Therapy - Take Two

Earlier this year I went to my first therapy session. I did not have a positive experience. Having studied Psychology and very nearly pursued a career in it, I had a fair idea of the process and I know how helpful it can be.

However, after two CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) sessions I realised it was not for me. This was partly due to the therapist themselves and also the fact that being told what to do does not suit me at all. I don't like being told what to and CBT really pushes those boundaries. 

So, I left it. Then, when I finally accepted my depression for what it was and after all other tests came back fine I decided it was time to look back into it. Instead of going through the local surgery to find a therapist, I found my own. When I went for my first session I was apprehensive to say the least. After all, the last time had been a difficult time (I managed 4 sessions). As soon as we both sat down and she talked, I knew straight away she was someone I was going to be comfortable with. 

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Not just her, the environment was warm and calming. The candles and essence were inviting and the room felt like a normal home. During the first session I discussed my past year and a half with her which brought her to tears. She discussed how she feels emotions and was trained in Humanistic therapy. If needed we could dip into CBT but that our sessions would be led by whatever comes up. 

I returned the following session, still full of nerves and talked away. We discussed many things and I have to say, as much as I felt comfortable, I avoided and brushed over certain things. Sharing is not my strong point! That's not to say those things won't be brought up at some point, some things just need time. But, I am pretty open with her. 

Don't piss me off . . . I will tell! [Source]

I have now been visiting her for about 5 weeks and it is going really well. Being able to talk to an 'outsider' is nice and allows me to feel like I am not a burden to them. The nerves before the session have not gone and each week she challenges me and thought process. But it I am comfortable with her. Uncomfortable with the focus on myself sometimes but comfortable with her. I am not sure if this will be something that I continue for some time or whether I cut sessions less as I begin to feel brighter. But for now, it is definitely helping me in a little way and that's all that matters. 

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Pinterest Inspiration - Life

I have had a bit of an up and down week just gone. My down days are becoming fewer and less intense and my good days are feeling clearer and brighter. This is keeping my hope going and helping me to have the patience and strength I need to get through this time. 

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Do you have any wise words of inspiration to stay strong?

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Friday Favourite - The Office

Just a quick post today - I just wanted to share something which has been making me laugh and keep my spirits up the last couple weeks when I have felt like doing anything else but laugh.

The Office: An American Workplace

Me and Miss L absolutely LOVE this show. We have nights in watching it and I can honestly say it makes me genuinely smile and laugh. Why? Well the dynamics between the cast is amazing, the facial expressions are genuinely what you would expect in the circumstances that happen, the individualism of each character and Steve Carrell as Michael Scott.

I want to share some of my favourite parts with you and say if you've never seen it - get on it! Also, persist, at first Miss L was not a fan and now, she is hooked too!

  

Do you love The Office? What is your favourite moment?

What should I do?

Ok, so today I am just asking you to go with me... I don't quite know where I am going with this post.

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I am starting to feel less guilty about not being at work while I work on my health. This was tough as I am so used to being on the go and looking after others. There are a few issues which are also starting to come to light through my therapy sessions in relation to my work and life balance.

This time off is making me think about my career and what I want to do with my life. At 28, I am not old but most people I know seem to have it altogether and know that what they're doing is exactly the right thing. However, here I am questioning the only job I've ever known. 

At 7 years of teaching I could talk you senseless about my job. I know there has been many time when, after talking about work, do I notice the glazed look in people's eyes after going on too much. I love the feeling of enabling children to be learners and to discover the world around them. As a teacher I provide them with the tools and information to make it in the world. Also, for some, I am their only role model and that is something which carries a great weight. Just being able to help and nurture makes me happy.

Why the problem? Well, regardless of what the press states, we teachers do not start work at 9 and leave at 3.30. I clock up 8-6.30 days, then I work till 11pm. On the weekend I will work most a Sunday afternoon until late. Then factor in the busy weeks, the after school clubs, the extra responsibilities I have in school, the fact I don't get lunch breaks some days and the days in our holidays spent in school or doing school work. Now I am not getting into a 'teacher's have it bad' discussion, I am just trying to explain that our jobs are not as clear cut as some people would have you think.

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Due to the workload I feel like I struggle to get that work/life balance. I want a family and to be a good mother. I don't want to be the mother who can't spend time with her kids because she's too busy. I know this is an ideal world these days but it's something to aim for. The numbers and figures and accountability of teachers leaves me discouraged. I want to teach the children not have to spend most my spare time crunching data and ticking boxes.

So what else is there for me to do? Is there anything? Or is this self doubt about my own ability just thanks to the evil that is depression. I really don't know and if you've stuck reading this so far - well done. As I started, I don't really have much of a clue where I am going. I am highly anxious about returning to the school environment and if I'm being honest I don't want to. But when I state this out loud I just see my class in my mind and wish I could be standing in front of them, teaching a fabulous lesson. 

360 Degrees I would say [Source]

So, after an afternoon looking at a range of other jobs in the education sector I am at a loss. I don't know what I want - except chocolate. Chocolate is always what I want. But life? Career? Location? I am really not sure. All I do know is that I am definitely making the most of this time thinking about what I truly want from life and how I can achieve that.

Now I am off to watch The Office and wish I could work there. What do you mean - is not a real life documentary?

Have you ever had a big career change for the best? How did you decide?

I don't need saving.

Since being diagnosed with depression and anxiety I have had to take time away from work and I am becoming more aware of the way that people treat me. As I posted Friday, friends have been an absolute huge support and infact my BFF, Miss L, has been a lifeline with her nights in watching trash tv and eating lots of pizzas and chocolate with me! 

My family have treated me with kid gloves but in the same breath they don't understand what I am going through. I try to explain but it's like they almost don't want to know how difficult it is.  I think it's partly due to the mis-understanding of depression and the fact they don't want me to suffer.

Another person I have come across appears to think that I need 'saving'. I am not sure why this is but that is the way appears. This is someone I have never met, had small amount of contact with and all of sudden feels like I need their support and advice. It's strange because when someone has suffered depression themselves (and factor anxiety into the mix) you would think that they would not continue to keep going when it's clear there is no want for contact. 

Yep, I already have a Knight (Who isn't a douche) - I don't need another thanks.

I have my very close friends and family supporting me in their own way, as well as a certain Mr French Canadien to look after me. I also have a couple of very close friends via blogging/Facebook who I have known for at least 3 years now. I do not make friendships easy and I do not trust easy. Why? Well this is proving why. I make good thoughts about people when in the very early stages of friendships and have a very good feeling about thos I want in my life and those who just aren't right for my friendship. I feel uncomfortable with the attention and focus on my journey.

I am aware that everyone has their own ideas and thoughts but sometimes you would think that after a while certain things become obvious. I am working with a good therapist who is helping me deal with a few issues in my life and she is doing a great job. I have amazing friends to sit with me, holiday with me (Miss Faux Fur - I love you) and family to help support. I don't need people in my life who think they know me and act like I need saving. I am not at my best but I certainly don't need a stranger saving me.

Have you ever had people thinking they know you when in fact they have no idea about the person who you are?

Travel and Valium

I arrived back from my NYC trip quite happy. It was nice to get away to a place which I love and feel comfortable. It also gave me a glimpse to how I am still 'me' underneath this depression and anxiety which is covering me at the moment. Before my visit I was suffering major anxiety over the travel. But I assured myself that I could do it and I have done so much travelling before it couldn't be that difficult.

However, someone decided to push me and test me to the limits. I departed my home city late due to weather, ran for my connecting flight in the next airport. This was no fun and needless to say I was not looking or feeling my best when I arrived at the gate but I'd done it. I dealt with the stress and settled into the flight.

My next one saw me fly to Toronto where I would then fly a short journey to NYC. As I settled and put all my in flight needs into the pocket in front of me I suddenly began to realise that we were not anywhere near taking off time. How could that be when I had to do an airport dash? I looked around and the crew were just wandering. Then came the announcement - We will be delayed due to technical difficulties with the wing. Seriously?! Yep, they were serious. When we took off we were half an hour late, as I calculated this with my connection time I began to panic that my next flight would be another airport dash. But luckily, my prescribed Diazepam (Valium) kicked in and I managed to get a few hours sleep. 

Two hours before the end of the flight I awoke with a horrific headache and began to panic. I couldn't figure out why, I just knew my head was in pain, I felt sick and I had no paracetamols with me. When you're taking Valium it's not something you think you'll need! So I worked my way to the air stewardess at the back of the plane and asked for some. She gave me the tablets and my panic rose it's head. I began to shake and I could feel the tears building. The stewardess came back to me to check and realising I was not doing well, sat me on the jump seat.

We talked and she gave me sugar water which she said helped one of her friends during attacks. Brought me tissues and sent other passengers back to seats to allow me space alone. She and another stewardess continued to check on me and comfort me throughout the rest of the flight. Even walking me back to my seat at the end. When I told my doctor this she replied, "Oh Missy, that's when you should have taken a diazepam to help too."

Yea, not just the fringe I have in common with Zooey now... [Source]

As I left the flight I realised that I was cutting it short but felt relaxed again until I realised I had to collect my luggage in Toronto and take it to the bag drop (a 25 min walk) through Canadian immigration and American immigration. When I reached the bag tagging area I was told I had missed my flight - no really?! I didn't know! Booked onto another and sent on my way, after being told I did not have an ESTA - which of course I did. Hello, severely depressive with high anxiety is going to have her document and stick to the rules. Cue more panic when approaching US Customs. Of course, all was fine and I was through, bag dropped and used that time to find a spot at a bar, have some food, and have random strangers strike up conversation. It's accent - gets people every time when I'm travelling!

They all want to hear me talk [Source]

So, needless to say that's the first time I've ever missed a flight, had a panic attack mid flight and needed Valium just to get through a day. I could have sat and cried - believe me, I wanted to do that in Toronto airport, in fact, I didn't want to actually leave Toronto airport - but I didn't. I kept going and kept strong. I decided to look at it as showing me that I am still capable of doing things at the moment and also I am able to work through the anxiety, even when alone.

Have you ever had a travel issue which has made you realise how strong you were?

Friendship - Pinterest Edition

Over the past few months, I have needed my friends much more than I thought. When going through tough times, it is amazing just how valuable you're friends become without even knowing it. It is also a time when true friends really show their colours. So today I wanted to share some thoughts on friendships and give a big thank you to those who have been that for me - a friend and not passed judgement.

All images are from my Pinterest - follow the link to find more.

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One year on and you're still gone...

Today is the 1 year anniversary of the day my brother lost his fight with Cancer. This year has been so difficult for so many reasons. I still miss him every day and wish he was here to talk to and sit with. So today I am posting the song he choose to have played at his funeral.

His advice was to find happiness in all the little things in life. They don't always have to be big things, live your life and find the happiness and every morning wake up and be grateful for the day ahead.

I miss you every day Craig. Love you lots.

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