One year on and you're still gone...

Today is the 1 year anniversary of the day my brother lost his fight with Cancer. This year has been so difficult for so many reasons. I still miss him every day and wish he was here to talk to and sit with. So today I am posting the song he choose to have played at his funeral.

His advice was to find happiness in all the little things in life. They don't always have to be big things, live your life and find the happiness and every morning wake up and be grateful for the day ahead.

I miss you every day Craig. Love you lots.

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A day like no other...

Today is the 25th March. 

There is nothing to make it stand out from any other day for most people in the world, but for me this is a day that has changed. Today would have been my big brother's birthday - he would have been 44 years old. But instead he has been out of my life for nearly 5 months. Instead of celebrating and sending a witty, funny card, I am sitting thinking about the fact that I will never get to celebrate anything with him in person again - or even see him again. This time last year, I spent with him and my brother, ordering take away and talking about how well he was looking and how he was making good progress in the recovery from cancer.

Little did we all know that it was terminal. A fact he did not share with anyone except our Dad, for fear of us stopping our lives for him. That takes bravery - something he was very good at for the whole year. I will cry and I will feel sad but I need to find a way to celebrate his life - because for 27 of his 43 years he was my big brother and I love him. That is something to celebrate and be happy about. I had him in my life and I am proud of the man he was.

I'll always remember him, with some sadness of course, but as each year passes I will find more peace with it. I will raise a vodka to him and try to keep a smile on my face.
 

To my big brother, I love you always - Happy birthday! x x

When everything falls apart...

It is no secret that I have had a difficult year. My post earlier in the year about my brother's Cancer was one of the lowest times I've ever encountered. I didn't think I would end up back there again ... and then Friday night happened.

I recieved a message after work to say my brother had been taken into hospital. Various things were wrong, mainly severe dehydration due to sickness all week. We all knew the previous chemotherapy session had been difficult and I assumed it would be a case of rehydration, maybe anti-sickness drugs and then a final push with the last chemo session before the final scan. 

How things can change and fall apart so quickly is quite scary. I visited him on Saturday and was not prepared for what I saw. My big brother looking anything but. From the pale and gaunt face, to the fragile body and the man with not even enough energy to move - everything about him screamed sadness. I pasted the smile on my face and sat next to him. I helped him move, talked to him, made him smile and at some points just sat with him in quietness. At this point we didn't know what was causing the sudden dramatic turn in his health. 

I now wish I was still in that not knowing stage because when I was with him today the doctor explained the cause. After a CT scan, it appears that the cancer (which we were told in July had reduced) had now spread to join onto his pancreas and in turn was pushing into his stomach. While the doctor was explaining this I sat, stunned and kept looking between my brother and the two doctors wondering if someone was going to laugh and say they were joking. But, that never happened. It was real and there was no maybe about the situation.

I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream or just jump up and shout, "It's not fair." But I didn't. I sat still, nodded my head and shook the doctors hand as he left and soaked up the heavy atmosphere he'd left in the air with his comments. Talk then moved to discussion of the operation which would be scheduled in the next couple of days and the unsaid was the next round of impending chemotherapy which will be coming his way.

I would say I have never felt this low but it's not true. I had the first kick earlier this year and it looks like it's going to finish the same way. I am putting my effort into controlling the sadness but it's difficult, I just want to cry and blame someone. But neither will help him. I now need to balance out my emotions for work in the morning, another hurdle to overcome. 

I must believe... {source}

Thank you for listening if you're still reading - I am hoping to be able to share some positive news with you all soon!

The 'C' word...

Today's post has been in my mind for a week or so now. As you know I have been going through a tough time and I now feel ready to share. 

I thought I knew pain and hurt. 

Just over a week ago I heard news I never thought I'd hear. My brother has Cancer. Yes, that awful thing which just eats away and grows.

He had been generally unwell for some time and been in hospital for a few days before a sacn which showed something. Then the hospital confirmed that the tumour found was indeed cancerous. It's so strange because you hear the statistics banded about and somewhere in the back of your mind you think it wont affect you.

When it does, it's such a strange feeling to hear something so bad and not be able to do anything about it. He's my older brother and anyone with older brothers know that they are tough. Needless to say I have taken a lot of things on my shoulder and felt like I should be able to do more and that I should be stronger and that the tears should stop. That took about a week and a half to work my way through and now I'm in the place where I can talk about it without crying and more logically.

Next week will be his operation to remove it and then following that chemotherapy. After that the doctors are very confident that things will be fine. It's gonna be a hell of a battle but one he's ready for and all the family are backing him with.

I hope anyone who has suffered or known someone close to them who has suffered from cancer keeps their fight going.

"Cancer is not a death sentence, but rather it is a life sentence; it pushes one to live," Marcia Smith.