What is there to live for?

Since suffering from depression (before and after diagnosis), I have had my fair share of 'down days', as I affectionately call them. These days bring a feeling which is difficult to describe. I can't get out of bed and when I do, I only make it as far as the sofa. It is almost like some black cloud is hanging over me, following me wherever I go. I don't feel positive and I also question my life and things around me. Sometimes I dislike myself with feelings of worthlessness. 

What is the point? This is a common question I ask myself on these 'down days'. But, I have never thought I'd be better off not being in this world. That is something I can't say I have fully experienced. Once or twice I have thought about what it would be like if I wasn't here but never that I would do anything to myself. I always hope I will never get so far to do anything like that to myself.

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These kind of days are difficult to deal with, even more so when they are so often that I am surprised when I have a good day. But this can crash down so quickly you don't even realise. The darkness becomes the reality in which I live in. 

So how do I cope? Well, since the introduction of anti-depressants, I have began to feel the down days are outnumbered by the good days. I have also had to look around me to find the reasons to live. Now this isn't a big, grand scheme of my place in this world. It's the little things.

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In our lives, we all move so fast and are so easily made to think thoughts and ideas from the media around us. We are told what is 'normal' and we take in everything we are given. So much so, that in this whirlwind of life, we begin to miss the little things. The things which we almost take for granted or even in some cases, neglect to see or experience. 

Finding these 'little things' again, has taken me some time. In a life where I threw myself into work for a number of reasons and had the black cloud of depression following me, these became difficult to see. In recent weeks, I have ended my days by recording what I am thankful for in that day. Sometimes, this can be difficult - but by doing so I have been able to start opening my eyes up to the things which I have not seen for some time. I am looking for them and becoming more aware of these things in my life. I am appreciating them and being thankful that I am lucky to have them.

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On the down days, I struggle and search harder. But each time it shows me, there is always something there to live for. Something to be thankful or happy about. We may not be able to choose happiness (believe me, I am not exactly turning it away) but we can try and find it when it's gone. Forget what we are told to like and not like, find your own little things.

How do you make sure you don't forget the 'little things' in life?

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What's on your mind...

It's Wednesday which for me means it's half way (well a little more if I'm counting properly) to the end of my working week. I love school but I'm tired at the moment as it's assessment and end of term paperwork. Plus I've only managed to have a lunch break like 3 times in the past two weeks at school. I don't think that is helping me to be all smiles and butterflies but I do try between the hours of 9 and 3.30!

Today I wanted to join in with something from A Taste of T. It's something which I enjoy reading and since my mind is feeling frazzled and full I thought it would be a perfect post.

Here is what's on my mind:

- When is it bed time?

- Why is a cherry picker called a cherry picker if they look at roofs? (We had one inspecting school and I was as clueless as the kids as I didn't think we had any cherry trees around school)

- My make up must be good as I got told I didn't look tired.

- I wonder if I should think more before I speak instead of coming out with things such as: "You know, I thought it was just one of those sounds which only I can hear in my head and not others." I would explain the context but it wouldn't help make me sound any less insane.

- What happens if when it's dark I stand on a spider with bare feet?

- Taxonomy makes me think of taxidermy (It didn't anyone else.)

- What should I have for tea?

- I would like to buy some new shoes...wedges to be exact.

- Why do I keep listening to the same song in the car?

- And singing along every time.

- Why did I wear my cute crimson wool tights to school when the temperature was so hot?

- Why is it dull when I choose my outfit for work? 

- I would like to have a Barcardi Razz and lemonade.... mmmm.

- I don't get how bubbles work. 

- Hmm...

 

A little jumbled and lots of questions. Any jumbled thoughts from you today?