One year on and you're still gone...

Today is the 1 year anniversary of the day my brother lost his fight with Cancer. This year has been so difficult for so many reasons. I still miss him every day and wish he was here to talk to and sit with. So today I am posting the song he choose to have played at his funeral.

His advice was to find happiness in all the little things in life. They don't always have to be big things, live your life and find the happiness and every morning wake up and be grateful for the day ahead.

I miss you every day Craig. Love you lots.

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See you later...

Today was the burying of my brother's ashes. I felt prepared for the small service and arrived feeling somewhat ok. However, it all became a little surreal... is it wrong to say that I felt detached from the whole thing? I am not a religious person per se but I do believe that there is something there after death. I would guess you wold say I am spiritual.

As I stood listening to the words, all I could think was how much I missed him and how much I just wanted him to be there. However, I did not feel any emotional attachment to the box of ashes. It seemed so empty and I felt so empty.

The day he died, I remember the sun shining so brightly as I sat outside the hospital alone. It felt like it was him saying he was ok now. The day of his funeral there was bright sunshine, again it was like some communication. Today though, we had dull grey clouds, were standing in snow and then snow began towards the end of the service. I guess I felt disappointed, I looked for sunshine and found none. 

It's all such a strange process, in the past I have lost Grandparents but this loss is something which I can't describe or explain. Every day it is getting a little easier, but I am scared he will be forgotten and I try everything to keep him with me.

Today was not a final goodbye, it was a formality. I have not said goodbye and never will, it's more a see you later.

No one's getting out of here alive...

It is with great sadness I am sharing this post with you all. As you are aware my big brother has been fighting hard against cancer. On November 1st, in the early hours, he sadly lost the fight and passed away surrounded by all his family.

After a scare on Wednesday evening which resulted in him being resuscitated, we received a call early Thursday to say he was going downhill once again and all made the journey to be with him. Words can not describe the pain which hit me when I walked into his room and saw him. I knew the end was near and I wanted more than anything to have things pick up all of a sudden and him to be fine but truth be told, he looked so fragile that I knew this was all that was left. We all spoke to him, held his hand, which he was unable to move, and then he went. The sadness and tears around me was unbearable. The pain of humans is a thing to behold and how we all handle things differently is amazing. I have never felt more scared and distraught at the same time.

My brother was an amazing guy. I have looked through old messages, texts, emails and what's apps between us and can see the connection we had. He was someone who I could talk to on the phone for hours about random things as well as deep and meaningful things. Craig was such a logical man who dealt with things in a way which others could sometimes not see. When diagnosed in January , we became even closer and saw each other on a weekly basis. In that time we continued our discussion of sometimes nothingness but it was us and that's what amused us. From watching a football game to Unsolved Mysteries. Over the last 5 weeks during his time in hospital, it has become part of my life to see him almost on a daily basis. One of our last conversations was him explaining the idea behind Star Wars and the fact they came in three's. Just so normal. He was a hero of mine, a man who inspired me and made me question life and what we're here for. He always said he wasn't scared to die and accepted that it was going to happen. I just hope that that was something he held onto at that final moment of passing.

Rest in peace My Craig. I will always, truly miss you and will think of you forever. Thank you for being a brilliant big brother who made me laugh, cry and want to be the best person I could be. I will love you always and forever.

Fill not your hearts with pain and sorrow,
but remember me in every tomorrow.
Remember the joy, the laughter, the smiles,
I've only gone to rest a little while.
Although my leaving causes pain and grief,
my going has given me relief
So dry your eyes and remember me,
not as I am now, but as I used to be.
Because, I will remember you all
and look on with a smile.
Understand in your hearts
I've only gone to rest a little while.
As long as I have the love of each of you,
I can live my life in the hearts of you.