A little piece of peace...

I have had some ups and down this year. Today I want to look back at a moment of my life when all I felt was calmness and peace. During my Summer, I was lucky to travel to and around Australia. I have friends there from my travels in the US and Canada who I was able to see again. 

While in Australia, I travelled around a few Whitsunday Islands. The collection of islands are vast and vary but one thing is the same, they are all peaceful and beautiful. I spent some time out on a boat, Whitehaven Island and a couple nights on the island of South Molle. Obviously the sunshine is a big pull for these islands but for me it was the ultimate tranquillity which I adored. I have been to beaches and even beautiful beaches but neither like this.

At the time of my visit, it was Australian Winter time but the temperature was still in mid 20s - I know, lucky aren't they? I spent some time doing something I never do...sitting still. I decided to spend time lounging on the beach while others went fish feeding and walking. I walked onto South Molle beach and I was the only one on it. 

I decided to walk to the very end of the beach and set up my towel. While lying I just let myself relax and be at peace. There is nothing like sunshine, alone time with the sound of the ocean lapping at the shore to make me feel calm. What I thought about I don't know, it was like a blank mind which for me is a rather large feat to reach. If I could have a wish, it would be to be able to  have this place easily accessible for a down day. Imagine if you could just have some Narnia time wold through your wardrobe to your 'calm place'. I would definitely be back there. 

That's why today I want to share a couple pictures of my 'calm place' with you all. It's difficult in this mad world to find a moment of peace but when you do, appreciate it to its full extent.
 

South Molle beauty...

Where would your calm Narnia be?

Have yourself a merry little Christmas...

Christmas is such a fun and exciting time. What I love about it, is that it means something different for everyone. I love hearing of Christmas traditions and how people close to me celebrate. For me, Christmas is all about making people smile and be happy.

My traditions start before Christmas. As a school teacher, I spend time with the kids at school singing carols and making cards and decorating the classroom. Their faces light up the day they come into the classroom and the tree is up. They know then it's nearly Christmas and the excitement starts. The naivety of children is something to behold. One of may favourite comments from one of my class was in the last week of school when he told me seriously, 

"Miss, I would love to be Santa when I grow up." I mean come on, who wouldn't love to have that belief again? 

On Christmas Eve, I go ice-skating and have food with my close girlfriends. We didn't subconsciously start it as a tradition, just a fun thing to do but after the first Christmas Eve day out we thought, Hey, we should do this every year. That is where 'Christmas Eve Festivities' came from. I love it. We go out together and have good fun. We don't party or get really drunk, just good old fashioned conversation and hopes of breaking no bones on the ice. 

My Christmas Day is usually a quiet affair with parents and twin. We eat, talk and share gifts. It's one of the most chilled days of the year. Then comes Boxing Day... it's my family's mad day. We all get together at my parents and celebrate till late. Again, it is a tradition. Gifts go flying, more eating and drinking, a million conversations going all over. It is one of my favourite days of the years. As I have such a big family, it is one of the few days we all manage to get together and have family time.

This year will be a difficult one. We will be a family member down due to the passing of one of my big brothers in November. This is something we're all still trying to come to terms with and something I still find upsetting. We are such a close group who are very protective and not being able to look after him and save him just hurts us all a lot. Christmas was his favourite time of the year so I am determined to make it a good one for him.

Christmas for me is about family, being happy and having conversations, irregardless of the topic, with the people I love so dearly. This year I will be thinking about those I can't be with and remembering them, I know they will be with us all in spirit.



Merry Christmas to you all. I hope it is all you want it to be!!

Missy
xoxo

When your thoughts get 'stuck'...

I have now penned at least 7 unfinished blog posts. I start...then stop and wonder, 'Where am I going with this?' It's not what I would call a 'blog block' because I haven't ran out of things to say. I guess it's more like I keep losing direction.

I have always been very honest in my writing and that is something which I was never sure I would be able to upkeep in my blogging life. Would I run out of ideas? Would I stop finding inspiration in the smallest of thoughts? I never did. I then suffered a moment of absolute sadness and my inspiration was a string as ever with thoughts about life, death, love and how our lives are so fragile. The issue has arose that I have been unable to put these thoughts into words. I get halfway through and my mind races ahead to something else, leaving the ruins of my thoughts lying behind it. 

Is it a lack of concentration? Too much emotion? Not feeling brave enough to be honest about my thoughts and feelings? I can genuinely say I don't know. I don't know why I can't write but I haven't given up. I am still going and beginning to see a cloud lift from my life. I am still hanging out in blogging land, I'm just trying to find my focus is all.

Thank you for many lovely supportive comments you wonderful people.

You are not alone...

Just remember.... 

Sunday Social...

Today I thought I'd do something a bit different and lighthearted. I am linking up with 'Neely at A Complete Waste of Makeup' for Sunday Social. 

Click below to join in yourself!

1. Name 4 jobs you’ve had in your life: Silver Service Waitress, Chocolate Shop Sales Adviser, Clothing Sales Assistant and my current , Teacher. 

2. Name 4 movies you would watch over and over: The Notebook, Slapshot, Elf and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I am sure there's more but my mind just went blank! 

3: Name 4 places you have lived: I have lived in the same place all my life.

4:Name 4 of your favourite foods: Burger and fries, garlic bread/pizza, hot pot and roast dinner. I know, I cheated a little ...oops!

5:Name 4 things you always carry with you: phone, cocoa butter vaseline for lips, purse and hair bobbles/grips.

6: Name 4 places you have been on vacation: New York, Australia, Montreal and Miami .. to name a few.

 To finish I would like to ask you: 

What is your favourite holiday destination?

Thank you...

Today is Thanksgiving in the States, however that doesn't mean I can't take some time to be thankful over here in the UK. After the year I have had, I feel like there is not too much I can feel thankful. Losing my brother has had a negative impact on my positive nature. However, today I have been thinking how much I actually have to be thankful for in amongst all this mess. 

My family have been amazing, I have seen strength in them and support. It is sometimes hard for me to think that others are feeling the pain I am (which I know is an awful thing to say) but then I see their faces and look into their eyes. It hits me that they are feeling the same as me and that they too are trying to be strong and brave. We have supported one another and helped each other through this tough time.

Source

I know in the past I have complained about my work and how I feel undervalued. This year I have changed year groups - again - but for the better and have felt so supportive throughout the past couple of months. My phase group have made me smile, counselled me and calmed me. I have tried to throw myself back into work, last week proved extremely hard with this however, with their help I am settling back in again.

Source

What I have found difficult to understand is the differing actions from my friends. I understand people are all different and have their own reaction to friend's grief but some of my friend's responses have surprised me both good and bad. I have had support from friends far away and those who I have had daily texts from and messages from. On of my good friends came straight to me when I told her which I needed. I don't like people asking me to let them know if I need anything because I feel like I am being demanding or asking them to do something they don't want to do. When in reality, all I want is someone to come and sit with me and talk to me. However, now I have put a guard up and pushed many friends away from me.

In my life I have health, friends and family. What more could I want? That's what we all need around us.  What or who are you giving thanks for?

Words of Inspiration...

I have been finding inspiration all around me lately, something in me picks up thoughts and advice much more than usually (and normally that is a lot). I have been a busy bee on Pinterest, finding words to comfort me and today I wanted to share some with you all and hope you too can be inspired, find comfort or whatever you're looking for which you didn't realise you were needing.

You can check out my Pinterest here ----->  

My Pinterest

Source

Source

Source

Source

I hope you can take something from the above words and please feel free to share your own.

I'm on your side...

I have just - far too late - discovered a band called The Lumineers. Their music has appealed to my mood and feeling perfectly as of late... slightly melancholy with a tinge of hope. If you haven't heard of them before, I suggest you check them out.

If you've read a lot of my blog posts, then you will notice that I am a big lyrics and quotes fan. When I listen to music, I like nothing better than to listen to the words and let the music (initially) come second. One song on their album had a line which, at this time in my life just shouted out to me:

"When we were younger

We thought everyone was on our side

Then we grew a little."

The Lumineers - Flowers In Your Hair

When we're younger, everything is 'hidden', 'kept secret' or 'pushed to the side' to protect us. Kids are sheltered from many a things which is why they see things as black or white, they don't see the shades of grey which as an adult, we become overwhelmed with on some days.

I recall everyone having my back. Friends were friends, family had your back and no-one (except maybe your teacher) was going to go against you. As I grew older, the rose tinted glasses became clearer and the world became greyer. I began to not only see but also feel where the pain and hurt was around me. It was then I began to realise that not everyone was worthy of my time and patience. Some people will do anything to get what, who and where the want. These people most certainly are not on our sides. What is the age you reach when you realise this? When you start to be an adult and having to do some fending for yourself? It's subjective really, each individual has so many varied life experiences at different times in there life that we can never say you 'grow up' at x age. As soon as we begin to grow a little, the cracks appear and people drift.    

 

"So then we grew a little and knew a lot."

 

The Lumineers - Flowers In Your Hair

This is the point we realise that not everyone is on our side. But it is not until, for the most part of us, that we realise that there is hurt out there we'd never imagine having to go through. How do we deal with it when we have always been looked out for? Well, I have learnt that those people didn't just 'have my back', they taught me how to be strong, how to feel, how to empathise, how to be a better person so that when I did grow I had a good spirit in me. They may not physically have my back but the effect on me is there to see. 

When I was younger, if I hadn't been surrounded by these people I know I would have been a very different person to who I am today. I am using that spirit to keep going as if all those from when I was younger still had my back. In role reversal I am there to do the same for my nephew, who has had the trauma of losing his father at 18. He is too old for me to shield him from things and push things to one side. Therefore I will do the next best thing and be there for him. I'm on his side and I dread the person who will try to hurt that boy. He is not only my nephew but a little brother to me from the way we have grown up together. 

I will always be on his side, whether he grows more or not. After all, my big brother - as well as older siblings still with me - was and always will be on my side irregardless of where he is now. 
 

Relationship dynamics...

Isn't it funny when you think you've made a decision, swear that that decision will be the one that you follow and then all of a sudden you're back to square one?

Well this is my life right now. I've alluded to relationships many a times on this blog but never really explained myself. Basically, my Mr Past arrived back in my life last year and has never left. We've had 'vacations' from one another both on his terms and my terms, we've had arguments from my side and his and we've had lots of good communication.

The big problem however? We're in two different places, living two different lives. We have spoken many a times about what went wrong - both agreeing on bad timing. We met due to his work (sports), he returned home about 2 months later. At the time we both agreed to not get attached and we understood that it was be a short term thing. Only problem being is that it is clear we both forgot our own advice.

Just one of many thoughts about past ...

We had a break of about a year when he returned home and inevitably went to another town in the US to play and I was back home. But, as these things come full circle, we ended up back in contact. It has now been over a year since we have reconnected and I feel like I am stuck. 

Stuck in this fake long distance relationship. One where we are in regular contact, support one another and help each other to stay positive. I am very careful though to keep things 'friends' knowing that we're so far away.This is sometimes a lot harder than I ever imagined.

Many a times I have decided that the only way things can get better between us is to cut contact. I worry that it will be destructive for me as well as him in the long run. Every time I try this, it's as if my heart stops me. My mind is a strong thing but it appears my heart is even stronger and pulls me away from what I believe to be sanity.

It sounds like a situation and quite frankly I think it is. I don't want to be stuck in this place of uncertainty where I feel like I am just fun for Mr Past and sometimes I feel like I am one of the most important people to him. Needless to say, with everything else going on in my life lately this desicion making has been on the back burner. Now I am beginning to feel stronger, I need to act here and solve this. 

What to do? How to deal with this without causing pain to myself or him? Let's hope I can use my strength to finally deal with this and find a solution.

Grief reveals you...

" Grief does not change you, it reveals you."

John Green

Grief is something which I have had to deal with for 18 days now. Yep, I am counting in days still. It has been 18 days since my big brother lost his battle with cancer and left the world which I am still in. 

Has it gotten easier? Yes - doesn't everything after time?

Am I feeling better? No.

When asked how I am doing, I never know how to answer. Do people really want to know my answer and listen to me or are they being polite and doing what they believe is expected? I never know and for that reason I keep my cards close to my chest. I usually respond with, " Yea, one day at a time." Which is really not something I am taking comfort in at the very moment.

The quote which I have started with definitely rang true to me when I read it. It isn't changing me, more revealing a strength I didn't know I had which is obviously because I have never needed to use it before. When my Grandparents passed away, I was upset but this is something totally different. I feel like this was not the time for him to leave us. The longer time passes, I realise just how selfish this is of me of course. Why should ha have suffered more just because I want to talk to him again?

I have had to find the strength to do such simple everyday things. At work, I have gradually grew comfortable being in front of my class again. When I first returned I felt anxious with all their eyes watching me when I was unsure of whether I could get through a lesson without breaking down. In fact, many of my moments of fun this week have been in my classroom when the children have been excited about something or have shared stories with me or just seeing them laughing. 

One thing my brother began to instill in us all is to find the beauty in simple pleasures and hearing a child laugh is one of those. I take pleasure in the sun shine on cold November days and feel like it's him smiling at me. I am delving into books and reading a lot, anything to take my mind to a different place helps me.

By revealing my strength and patience and fragility (to some), I am beginning to adapt my outlook on life and relationships with all in my life. These life changing moments test the strongest friendships and I hate to say but I feel some of mine have failed. Some however, I feel like I am letting fail, a good friend of mine is having issues with her work but I am pushing her away. Not to hurt her or that I don't want her around, I just am not ready to help her deal with her problems because I am so heartbroken with my grief. I have found my patience - which is something I have always been known for - has gone. It will come back but I know this will take time. I am being selfish because at this moment I need to find myself in a more secure and safe space in my own thoughts and life. 

I guess my grief is revealing me to be a stronger person than some thought. Many people have called me brave for returning to work so soon - and what a tough week it has been. But in some ways I have to disagree with the quote, there is no way NOT to change when dealing with grief. I am not the same person I was in that I have fears over things which I never had, I have something missing from me which was has always been there and I have a unnerving sadness in me which can not be softened at this moment. 

Time is passing, I am becoming more settled, but I already know that a little gap in my heart will be there forever now. The break will heal and patch up but that gap will not.

Thank you for all the blog love comments of support and kindness ... I appreciate them all, you wonderful people. 

Change of place...

Contrary to what the title suggests, I am not moving but for today my blog post has! I have found the past couple of weeks to be really difficult to focus thoughts... inevitably my mind wanders to various moments over the past few months and time spent with my brother.

A good friend and blogger, Rebecca, asked me to guest blog for her so I accepted and hopefully this will help ease me back into the world of writing for pleasure.

Please head over to her blog to read my thoughts on friendships and share your own friendship thoughts.

Click here to go read...

 

Source: bealady.net via Andie on Pinterest

No one's getting out of here alive...

It is with great sadness I am sharing this post with you all. As you are aware my big brother has been fighting hard against cancer. On November 1st, in the early hours, he sadly lost the fight and passed away surrounded by all his family.

After a scare on Wednesday evening which resulted in him being resuscitated, we received a call early Thursday to say he was going downhill once again and all made the journey to be with him. Words can not describe the pain which hit me when I walked into his room and saw him. I knew the end was near and I wanted more than anything to have things pick up all of a sudden and him to be fine but truth be told, he looked so fragile that I knew this was all that was left. We all spoke to him, held his hand, which he was unable to move, and then he went. The sadness and tears around me was unbearable. The pain of humans is a thing to behold and how we all handle things differently is amazing. I have never felt more scared and distraught at the same time.

My brother was an amazing guy. I have looked through old messages, texts, emails and what's apps between us and can see the connection we had. He was someone who I could talk to on the phone for hours about random things as well as deep and meaningful things. Craig was such a logical man who dealt with things in a way which others could sometimes not see. When diagnosed in January , we became even closer and saw each other on a weekly basis. In that time we continued our discussion of sometimes nothingness but it was us and that's what amused us. From watching a football game to Unsolved Mysteries. Over the last 5 weeks during his time in hospital, it has become part of my life to see him almost on a daily basis. One of our last conversations was him explaining the idea behind Star Wars and the fact they came in three's. Just so normal. He was a hero of mine, a man who inspired me and made me question life and what we're here for. He always said he wasn't scared to die and accepted that it was going to happen. I just hope that that was something he held onto at that final moment of passing.

Rest in peace My Craig. I will always, truly miss you and will think of you forever. Thank you for being a brilliant big brother who made me laugh, cry and want to be the best person I could be. I will love you always and forever.

Fill not your hearts with pain and sorrow,
but remember me in every tomorrow.
Remember the joy, the laughter, the smiles,
I've only gone to rest a little while.
Although my leaving causes pain and grief,
my going has given me relief
So dry your eyes and remember me,
not as I am now, but as I used to be.
Because, I will remember you all
and look on with a smile.
Understand in your hearts
I've only gone to rest a little while.
As long as I have the love of each of you,
I can live my life in the hearts of you.

Real people...

Blogging is something which I love to do. It allows me to write and hopefully entertain/help/engage other people. I write for me first and foremost and then hope others appreciate the words I have put together. I fully appreciate fellow bloggers and the world they create in their little web space.

Throughout my short time, compared to some, in blog world I have found a few great friends. Some I chat to daily, another I have regular contact with regarding our life and happenings, one I swap sweets with and others I follow and read their blogs daily - whether I have time to comment or not I always read. 

The past weekend however, I was lucky to meet a fellow blogger. Mrs OK blogs over at OK in UK and is not too far from my real life destination. She is heading back to USA in the next week and I received a message asking I wanted to meet for a drink before we lost our chance. I, of course, jumped at the chance and I know anyone who has read her blog would do exactly the same!

For me it was more than just a 'meet-up'. Given what is going on in my life at the moment, Miss OK invited me out with some friends to help me feel normal I guess for a night. I have to say, it was just what I needed. It was lovely to be around a new group of people who were all so fun and welcoming. Miss OK were lots of fun even though she was suffering from cold. I hope to stay in contact with the girls near me and of course add Mrs OK to my Christmas list!

What I am trying to say I think, is that us bloggers are real, we exist in our web home but also in the 'real' world. Having the opportunity to form such good friendships is something which non-bloggers are missing out on in my opinion. Having others there to support in person or in message form is keeping me going at the moment. 

"We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere."

Tim McGraw

Make a wish...

My past week and a bit has turned into one long, traumatic moment in time. It is amazing, in this world, surrounded by technology that a life can begin to fall apart so quickly. In a week my brother has continued to deteriorate. He had an operation last week which by passed the enlarged nodes as well as the new tumour which has appeared on his stomach. His body is so weak since he was in a such a deteriorated state before the operation.

The new tumour has been described by the doctor as 'nasty'. Now if the doctor is saying that you know things aren't looking good. All around me I can feel the hope which was once there slowly evaporating. I look at my brother and see in his eyes the sadness inside and the pain on his face. My family around me are keeping their 'brave' faces on but I know it is a mask, partly because I have one on myself. I am trying to be positive and hopeful for all and for my brother. I am becoming quite adept at holding back my tears when in other people's company.

I am determined to stay strong and try to be the hope and strength for the both of us. I know this will be difficult but right now I don't know what else to do.

A good friend of mine and fellow blogger, Miss LA, sent me these words and I am trying to keep them in my heart:

I am hoping OTH can give me a bit of hope...

My wish is that my brother will be sitting next to me at Christmas, smiling and being surrounded by everyone who loves him. That's the only thing in my heart right now.

When everything falls apart...

It is no secret that I have had a difficult year. My post earlier in the year about my brother's Cancer was one of the lowest times I've ever encountered. I didn't think I would end up back there again ... and then Friday night happened.

I recieved a message after work to say my brother had been taken into hospital. Various things were wrong, mainly severe dehydration due to sickness all week. We all knew the previous chemotherapy session had been difficult and I assumed it would be a case of rehydration, maybe anti-sickness drugs and then a final push with the last chemo session before the final scan. 

How things can change and fall apart so quickly is quite scary. I visited him on Saturday and was not prepared for what I saw. My big brother looking anything but. From the pale and gaunt face, to the fragile body and the man with not even enough energy to move - everything about him screamed sadness. I pasted the smile on my face and sat next to him. I helped him move, talked to him, made him smile and at some points just sat with him in quietness. At this point we didn't know what was causing the sudden dramatic turn in his health. 

I now wish I was still in that not knowing stage because when I was with him today the doctor explained the cause. After a CT scan, it appears that the cancer (which we were told in July had reduced) had now spread to join onto his pancreas and in turn was pushing into his stomach. While the doctor was explaining this I sat, stunned and kept looking between my brother and the two doctors wondering if someone was going to laugh and say they were joking. But, that never happened. It was real and there was no maybe about the situation.

I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream or just jump up and shout, "It's not fair." But I didn't. I sat still, nodded my head and shook the doctors hand as he left and soaked up the heavy atmosphere he'd left in the air with his comments. Talk then moved to discussion of the operation which would be scheduled in the next couple of days and the unsaid was the next round of impending chemotherapy which will be coming his way.

I would say I have never felt this low but it's not true. I had the first kick earlier this year and it looks like it's going to finish the same way. I am putting my effort into controlling the sadness but it's difficult, I just want to cry and blame someone. But neither will help him. I now need to balance out my emotions for work in the morning, another hurdle to overcome. 

I must believe... {source}

Thank you for listening if you're still reading - I am hoping to be able to share some positive news with you all soon!

The world didn't end...

As you are all aware, I am quite the workaholic. I work away, making sure things are done and take on many projects at school. Unfortunately, by doing so much, I tend to find myself burnt out on occasion.

The past few days have seen me burnt out in the form of migraines and headaches. If you've never had a migraine before, feel lucky. They are like someone is inside your head and hammering your eye and head. It truly is an excruciating pain and I am always sick with them too. The day after is just as bad as I suffer from another headache and a very fuzzy head which hurts with every movement. But guess what... I still went to work.

Needless to say my past few days have been very tough and I know this is my body telling me to slow down. I have therefore spent the last two nights doing no school work while all the time feeling guilty about it. However, a thought hit me tonight:

The world has not ended, everyone of my kids is still learning and happy and I am not feeling so tired.So what was I worried about? 

I am sure it didn't look like this when I went to bed...

The older I am getting, the more I am realising I find it difficult to find a 'stop' point. If I stop;

Will something go wrong? 

Will I be thought less of? 

Will I appear incompetent?

Will I become a bad teacher?   

Questions like these appear in my mind when I begin to slow down. I have such an internal battle and think that I will not be good enough.

Obviously, the hours I work are detrimental to my health. Never will anyone, in their final moments, ever say, "I wish I had worked more." This is something which I should keep in my mind when I am working away at 1am. I need to get working on myself and my own life. My kids at school are happy, the teaching is there and the work is being done. By making myself burnout I will not help anyone, let alone myself.

How do you cope when you can't find your 'stop' moment?

I also want to add a link to a fabulous 'link and mingle' over at Yellow Umbrella:

Networking...

I have been a busy bee and began to get back into this blogging world. Last night I joined many a blog hops and also found some new Blog Networking sites. I will post the links below for you to have a spy at and if you are already there well let me know and we can 'network'.

Hello Cotton

Click here...

Better Blogger Network

Click here...

Bloglovin'

Click here..

Twitter

Click here...

I hope these links are useful to you fellow bloggers, whether you follow me or not, hopefully you will find somewhere to help your own blog networking.

Mr Past...

I remember about a year ago, talking about revisiting the past and whether I should make that trip. I did and I am still there. Many warned once it was the past to leave it but circumstance which led to this person being in the past were rather different to the usual. I then thought about chance and what to do when you give someone a chance, only for them to not take it or to just leave it?

This person in my life, Mr Past,  has actually been very important to me throughout the year as he has made me feel happy when I've been so sad and motivated me when I thought I couldn't go on. Between the two of us we have given the other a kind of security blanket. He is not in the same country as me anymore and this is where the difficulty with Mr Past and me lies. 

We have a connection but also have the distance there between us. When we first met, Mr Past was here where I am and then had to make the journey home. Obviously, readers of this blog will know that we lost contact only for me to have the opportunity to make a change to this last year. I did and that was the spark to light the flame it seemed. 

However, it has now been a year and we are still in that same place where - apart but scared to make a change. We've had many a conversation which have led that way but never quite got to the end of it. We have also had a couple of 'breaks' where we have tried to take time away from one another to have space but always end up back in contact.

In my head I tell myself it's because neither of us want it enough. Maybe that is true? But after a year of constant contact, Mr Past and myself should start to try and get this sorted don't you think? 

At the moment, I feel like I am standing at a cross roads and there are two ways to go. There really are only 2 different options here and I feel like sooner rather than later the decision must be made. 

I just don't know what that decision is just yet.

Quote of the day Monday...Getting what you want

I am the type of person who, once they've set their mind on something, will work hard to get it. It may not always be in the quietest of ways, maybe it wont be without tears and maybe it isn't with knowing 100% I am pursuing the right thing but I go for it. I like to feel like I've achieved something.

When I get what I want (meant in the least annoying Princess way), I feel proud and feel like I've achieved a huge thing. Sometimes it's the little things which take the hardest of efforts. Many people I know set goals to help them get to where they want but me... I go all out. I don't do it little buy little, I like to do huge things and worry about the finer details later. This has led me to trouble on more than one occasion but I get there eventually.

However, what do you, when the one thing you want you can't get? Be it relationship based, job based or even small daily things such as transport etc. I know I feel miserable and think 'What have I done wrong?" or "What could I have done different?" I blame myself and for some time may always look back and think "What if..." The thing though, is that we can't base our lives on 'What if's'

We do it because sometimes the idea that we have made a wrong choice somewhere along the line is easier to accept then it is just not meant to be. When something isn't meant to be, it means we lose control. Does anyone like to feel they have no control? I certainly don't. It takes a strong individual to make me give up control because I feel like then I rely on myself. I don't trust others enough to rely on them.

But in the end, there are somethings in life which are just not meant to happen or be. I think if we can accept that, we can find happiness much easier. I need to realise that not getting what I want is not the worst thing that could happen to me. It is in fact sometimes the best. I found a quote which I want to share with you all, especially those who are like me and hate the idea of not getting what you want.

Crazy Stupid Love...

My Saturday night consisted of work and then a movie. I am not ashamed to say that I choose the movie Crazy Stupid Love because Ryan Gosling was in it. What can I say... I'm a fan! What I got was actually a rather witty film about love and how it is experienced by a range of different people whose lives all intertwine.

It brings up a topic which I have wrote about before - soul mates. We all have a soul mate and I often wonder if we have many for the different stages in life. Regardless of how many or if we even have one, the idea that we can love someone so much that it can hurt  is what stands out in the film for me. If we somehow don't have that person or we find ourselves apart from them how much do you fight?

Sometimes we just don't have that fight in us...

In the film, the line, 'Go big or go home,' was uttered more than once. The thought that you would do anything for that one person and not give up on them is such an amazing thought but sometimes, through no fault of our own, may not be the easiest thing to do. You can have as much love in the world for someone but if you do not love yourself this may be hard to accept. As we grow older, our day to day lives become so much busier and life experiences jump at us when we least expect it. These are just a number of factors which can sometimes make the 'Go big' difficult to do.

I guess those are the things which make love crazy and stupid right? Love is love, it's amazing, heartbreaking, frustrating, wonderful, crazy, beautiful, easy and difficult all rolled into one. That's sometimes the pull of love isn't it? It gives us something amazing to work on and feel so proud of. We nurture love and it grows and grows into the most amazing thing in the world.

I have been crazy in love, stupid in love and I believe I have been in love. Have I found my 'love soulmate'? I am not sure, I'm still figuring that one out but what I can say is that I am still crazy and stupid when it comes to love. At some point this will be for the right person - my own soulmate if you will.



 

Have you ever 'gone big' in any love relationships or had anyone do so for you?

Work/life balance...

I have now been back to teaching for 3 glorious weeks...and it feels like I've been working non-stop for 3 months. My summer was exactly what I needed, an adventure of a life time. I began to find beauty in life and what was around me again. Something which I had began to lose throughout the year. However, all that energy and positivity is seeming to flow away from me.

Why? Well life is kinda getting in the way. If any of you bloggers are or know teachers then this will not come as a surprise. My working days have been averaging 17 hours. Yep, you read that right, 17! I have been up till 1am most mornings and back in work for 8. For the beginning of the term, the workload has been increasingly intense. I have stepped back a few times to look at the big picture thinking there must be something which could be done differently, more efficient perhaps but I keep drawing a blank.

My daily teaching life consists of teaching (28 children) all day, marking the books from the lessons taught in that day and then preparing a range of resources. On top of that I have a mountain of paperwork and two subjects to co-ordinate. The work itself is not too difficult, I just don't have enough time in the day for it all! 

I have also found myself in charge of a year group, which I am excited about, however I am working with a newly qualified teacher who is not seeming to be too great. This means that my workload is doubling as I have been needing to take on some of his planning as well as running the year group. 

With that in mind, I have found my 'life' side of the scales drastically becoming lighter and lighter! And when I do have the free time I find my body is just so tired. I am hoping that this is just the beginning of a new term madness and that things will settle.

At this moment in time, something needs to give somewhere because surely this is not the life to live?

"Have regular hours for work and play; make each day both useful and pleasant, and prove that you understand the worth of time by employing it well. Then youth will be delightful, old age will bring few regrets, and life become a beautiful success."

                                                                                                      

 Louisa May Alcott 'Little Women'

Any advice from you fabulous bloggers of how best to manage my commitments to work but still have a life are definitely welcome!

Quote of the day Monday...Life

Today's quote is something which, at the moment given what my family is facing, is something which rings truer than ever. I have two brothers currently undergoing chemotherapy for a genetic cancer. If there's anything to feel lucky about, it's that it is their Mam's side of the family (she passed away from this same cancer at a young age). Seeing them both fight and show such courageous spirit is something which I am happy to see. It makes me feel so proud of them that they're standing up to be counted and not letting this awful disease beat them. Talking to them and hearing all the things they want to do and places they want to see make me feel so very privileged to have already done so much in my life so far. It is also highlighting the need to take opportunities when they show themselves. 

So this quote today is for my brave, courageous and strong brothers as well as anyone else who can find some solice in this thought.

Hope you are all having a great start to the week!

Missy 
xoxo

Life is an adventure...

I have it...I have caught the travel bug well and truly. After time away last summer and then even longer away this summer all I want to do is plan my next get away. However, that may take a little bit longer than I thought as I am about to embark on a slightly different adventure which hopefully I will be able to share with you all very soon.

Adventure does not always have to be related to travel, anything you do that is different from your day to day life is an adventure. Enjoy it and don't be scared.

 

Decide on the adventure you want to be a part of and make it happen. I personally want to be able to look back and say, "Yes, my life was one big adventure and I loved every minute of it!"

What about you? Have you any adventures planned soon?

Australian Adventure...Part 2

My last post left off with me making my way to Airlie Beach after my amazing tour along the Queensland coast. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Australia, Airlie Beach is on the coast near a town called Mackay. A rather fun fact about Airlie Beach is that it has no beach...you have to drive about an hour to get to one. I was lucky that Miss Aussie had a good friend who took us there for lunch which was lovely. It was a beautiful view across Airlie and the food was amazing. That night was a big night out. We had fun and I met some new friends. There was also a crazy early morning spa pool session! Unfortunately, what happens in Airlie stays in Airlie my bogging friends.  Needless to say it was a big night. The next day I embarked on my trip to Sydney. 

Airlie Beach and Hotel

In Sydney I was unfortunate to suffer from the winter flu. In Australia, it is there Winter and there were a few nasty bugs going around which I of course picked up. After  so many flights and late nights, having a time to stop meant that my body just gave in to the virus. So, as much as I wanted to see everything I had to rest up lots and lots. I cancelled my blue mountains tour and slept a lot. Of course I did see the famous Sydney Harbour. I was only a 5 minutes walk from there which was lovely for me to get out there as well as Darling Harbour. In other things, I was able to have lunch with a friend I met travelling last year and saw a good friend from home who is living out there. We had food together and also had a pretty cool night out in swanky Sydney bars. By the time I left Sydney, I felt a lot better but managed to pick up a cough which led to a near loss of voice for two days. If you know me...that's the worst thing ever (maybe not for other people).

Sydney - Not bad sightseeing for being struck with flu!

On my return into Brisbane, I had a drinks with Miss Aussie's brother and his friends. I began to feel completely immersed into Aussie life. That weekend I spent time with Miss Aussie and her family. It was then time for our next trip to Melbourne. We visited the aquarium, ate lots and partied in the casino. Melbourne was a fantastic place, it felt very European and with the cooler temperature it felt like home. I loved the city but can't say it was my favourite place. Mainly because it felt like home and the idea of going away is to see somewhere very different. It is definitely true what they say about shopping in Melbourne, it is amazing. There are so many cute little side streets to explore and cafes to visit. It really is a cool city with a lovely vibe.

Melbourne Aquarium

After Melbourne my trip was near the end. But myself and Miss Aussie had a few more days and we chose to get an apartment in Brisbane for that time. We hung out in the city, had a quiet night out as well as a night with her big brother. Then came one of the worst days of the holiday, time to say goodbye to Miss Aussie as she had to fly back out to work. I don't have many friends like her, in fact I don't have any friends like her and it showed in our goodbye. We both spent the morning ignoring the fact we were to be parted. I know know the meaning of 'the elephant in the room' to its full extent and in this case it was awful. As my friend came to collect me to spend time with her, and Miss Aussie's taxi pulled up (both at the same time too can you believe) it suddenly became real. It was time to say goodbye and it was awful. There were hugs and tears and a shared understanding that the friendship we had was not something you find every day. We both have and still do have things happening in our lives which are difficult to understand and we help each other through that. Whether that be to sit in silence or just to be silly with. We read each other well and that is what makes this friendship extremely special. We both had our moment and said our goodbyes. We both know that we will see each other again and I hope it's sooner rather than later. 

After that brutal goodbye I set off to a place just outside Brisbane CBD called Ashgrove. It was beautiful, peaceful and quiet. I spent time here with Miss Glam and we had lots of fun in my last couple days. She understood my sadness after leaving Miss Aussie and was able to pep me back up. We had another reunion with travelling friends from last year and we also went to one of my favourite places on my trip - The Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary. Yes, that's right, I held a koala. I didn't want to let go of Byron. He was just adorable and cuddly. I also got the opportunity to feed kangaroos. It was an amazing experience and something which was definitely top of my list to do when I headed out to Oz. 

Koalas before feeding ... Can you spot the baby koala?

That was pretty much the end of my time in Oz and in my last day I had lunch with a friend I had made, as well as being collected for dinner and taken to the airport by another couple I had made friends with (all through Miss Aussie). As I said previously, I felt immersed in Aussie life as I spent time with people who live there and not in a group touring the whole time.

I am still reflecting on my time away and what I have learnt about myself. No matter how long or short you spend away alone, you find out things about yourself you never knew you knew. I am still processing my thoughts and I look forward to sharing them with you all.

Hope you have enjoyed the recap and I hope I have inspired you to try an adventure yourself!