A day like no other...

Today is the 25th March. 

There is nothing to make it stand out from any other day for most people in the world, but for me this is a day that has changed. Today would have been my big brother's birthday - he would have been 44 years old. But instead he has been out of my life for nearly 5 months. Instead of celebrating and sending a witty, funny card, I am sitting thinking about the fact that I will never get to celebrate anything with him in person again - or even see him again. This time last year, I spent with him and my brother, ordering take away and talking about how well he was looking and how he was making good progress in the recovery from cancer.

Little did we all know that it was terminal. A fact he did not share with anyone except our Dad, for fear of us stopping our lives for him. That takes bravery - something he was very good at for the whole year. I will cry and I will feel sad but I need to find a way to celebrate his life - because for 27 of his 43 years he was my big brother and I love him. That is something to celebrate and be happy about. I had him in my life and I am proud of the man he was.

I'll always remember him, with some sadness of course, but as each year passes I will find more peace with it. I will raise a vodka to him and try to keep a smile on my face.
 

To my big brother, I love you always - Happy birthday! x x

Misery loves company...

It is no secret that I have faced some tough moments in my life in the past year. It is also no secret that I have found these stressful and difficult. I have tried hard to deal with the grief and considering the other things in my life (job, moving home and illness) I feel I have handled it well.

The problem is now that I have manged to pass the tears, I have another hurdle to overcome. The waves of sadness. By pretending I am fine, I have managed to trick some around me into thinking that I am indeed fine when in reality the thoughts and emotions inside of me are very difficult to comprehend. After a number of visits to the doctor regarding chronic viruses, chest infections and exhaustion I have finally decided that I need to accept the extra help she is offering by way of speaking to someone.

If all else fails it can give me some rest time.. [Source]

This is something which she has been talking about for a couple months now and each time I have told her I am fine and that it wasn't necessary at all. But lately, the more exhausted I get mentally and physically, the more I think I need to make a change. I can recognise there is a problem and believe that surely this is the point where I have to accept the help. I would do a dis-service to myself refusing and trying to work through things alone when it really isn't happening.

Given the extra life stresses I have on top of things, I am doing pretty well. But now I finding days where I just struggle to find motivation to just get through the day. When there is a problem, there is always a solution. That is something I know to be true so why should I discount one of the possible solutions? 
   

Have you ever been to counselling or therapy? How did it help you?

See you later...

Today was the burying of my brother's ashes. I felt prepared for the small service and arrived feeling somewhat ok. However, it all became a little surreal... is it wrong to say that I felt detached from the whole thing? I am not a religious person per se but I do believe that there is something there after death. I would guess you wold say I am spiritual.

As I stood listening to the words, all I could think was how much I missed him and how much I just wanted him to be there. However, I did not feel any emotional attachment to the box of ashes. It seemed so empty and I felt so empty.

The day he died, I remember the sun shining so brightly as I sat outside the hospital alone. It felt like it was him saying he was ok now. The day of his funeral there was bright sunshine, again it was like some communication. Today though, we had dull grey clouds, were standing in snow and then snow began towards the end of the service. I guess I felt disappointed, I looked for sunshine and found none. 

It's all such a strange process, in the past I have lost Grandparents but this loss is something which I can't describe or explain. Every day it is getting a little easier, but I am scared he will be forgotten and I try everything to keep him with me.

Today was not a final goodbye, it was a formality. I have not said goodbye and never will, it's more a see you later.

Grief reveals you...

" Grief does not change you, it reveals you."

John Green

Grief is something which I have had to deal with for 18 days now. Yep, I am counting in days still. It has been 18 days since my big brother lost his battle with cancer and left the world which I am still in. 

Has it gotten easier? Yes - doesn't everything after time?

Am I feeling better? No.

When asked how I am doing, I never know how to answer. Do people really want to know my answer and listen to me or are they being polite and doing what they believe is expected? I never know and for that reason I keep my cards close to my chest. I usually respond with, " Yea, one day at a time." Which is really not something I am taking comfort in at the very moment.

The quote which I have started with definitely rang true to me when I read it. It isn't changing me, more revealing a strength I didn't know I had which is obviously because I have never needed to use it before. When my Grandparents passed away, I was upset but this is something totally different. I feel like this was not the time for him to leave us. The longer time passes, I realise just how selfish this is of me of course. Why should ha have suffered more just because I want to talk to him again?

I have had to find the strength to do such simple everyday things. At work, I have gradually grew comfortable being in front of my class again. When I first returned I felt anxious with all their eyes watching me when I was unsure of whether I could get through a lesson without breaking down. In fact, many of my moments of fun this week have been in my classroom when the children have been excited about something or have shared stories with me or just seeing them laughing. 

One thing my brother began to instill in us all is to find the beauty in simple pleasures and hearing a child laugh is one of those. I take pleasure in the sun shine on cold November days and feel like it's him smiling at me. I am delving into books and reading a lot, anything to take my mind to a different place helps me.

By revealing my strength and patience and fragility (to some), I am beginning to adapt my outlook on life and relationships with all in my life. These life changing moments test the strongest friendships and I hate to say but I feel some of mine have failed. Some however, I feel like I am letting fail, a good friend of mine is having issues with her work but I am pushing her away. Not to hurt her or that I don't want her around, I just am not ready to help her deal with her problems because I am so heartbroken with my grief. I have found my patience - which is something I have always been known for - has gone. It will come back but I know this will take time. I am being selfish because at this moment I need to find myself in a more secure and safe space in my own thoughts and life. 

I guess my grief is revealing me to be a stronger person than some thought. Many people have called me brave for returning to work so soon - and what a tough week it has been. But in some ways I have to disagree with the quote, there is no way NOT to change when dealing with grief. I am not the same person I was in that I have fears over things which I never had, I have something missing from me which was has always been there and I have a unnerving sadness in me which can not be softened at this moment. 

Time is passing, I am becoming more settled, but I already know that a little gap in my heart will be there forever now. The break will heal and patch up but that gap will not.

Thank you for all the blog love comments of support and kindness ... I appreciate them all, you wonderful people.