Sunday Social...

Today I thought I'd do something a bit different and lighthearted. I am linking up with 'Neely at A Complete Waste of Makeup' for Sunday Social. 

Click below to join in yourself!

1. Name 4 jobs you’ve had in your life: Silver Service Waitress, Chocolate Shop Sales Adviser, Clothing Sales Assistant and my current , Teacher. 

2. Name 4 movies you would watch over and over: The Notebook, Slapshot, Elf and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I am sure there's more but my mind just went blank! 

3: Name 4 places you have lived: I have lived in the same place all my life.

4:Name 4 of your favourite foods: Burger and fries, garlic bread/pizza, hot pot and roast dinner. I know, I cheated a little ...oops!

5:Name 4 things you always carry with you: phone, cocoa butter vaseline for lips, purse and hair bobbles/grips.

6: Name 4 places you have been on vacation: New York, Australia, Montreal and Miami .. to name a few.

 To finish I would like to ask you: 

What is your favourite holiday destination?

Thank you...

Today is Thanksgiving in the States, however that doesn't mean I can't take some time to be thankful over here in the UK. After the year I have had, I feel like there is not too much I can feel thankful. Losing my brother has had a negative impact on my positive nature. However, today I have been thinking how much I actually have to be thankful for in amongst all this mess. 

My family have been amazing, I have seen strength in them and support. It is sometimes hard for me to think that others are feeling the pain I am (which I know is an awful thing to say) but then I see their faces and look into their eyes. It hits me that they are feeling the same as me and that they too are trying to be strong and brave. We have supported one another and helped each other through this tough time.

Source

I know in the past I have complained about my work and how I feel undervalued. This year I have changed year groups - again - but for the better and have felt so supportive throughout the past couple of months. My phase group have made me smile, counselled me and calmed me. I have tried to throw myself back into work, last week proved extremely hard with this however, with their help I am settling back in again.

Source

What I have found difficult to understand is the differing actions from my friends. I understand people are all different and have their own reaction to friend's grief but some of my friend's responses have surprised me both good and bad. I have had support from friends far away and those who I have had daily texts from and messages from. On of my good friends came straight to me when I told her which I needed. I don't like people asking me to let them know if I need anything because I feel like I am being demanding or asking them to do something they don't want to do. When in reality, all I want is someone to come and sit with me and talk to me. However, now I have put a guard up and pushed many friends away from me.

In my life I have health, friends and family. What more could I want? That's what we all need around us.  What or who are you giving thanks for?

Words of Inspiration...

I have been finding inspiration all around me lately, something in me picks up thoughts and advice much more than usually (and normally that is a lot). I have been a busy bee on Pinterest, finding words to comfort me and today I wanted to share some with you all and hope you too can be inspired, find comfort or whatever you're looking for which you didn't realise you were needing.

You can check out my Pinterest here ----->  

My Pinterest

Source

Source

Source

Source

I hope you can take something from the above words and please feel free to share your own.

I'm on your side...

I have just - far too late - discovered a band called The Lumineers. Their music has appealed to my mood and feeling perfectly as of late... slightly melancholy with a tinge of hope. If you haven't heard of them before, I suggest you check them out.

If you've read a lot of my blog posts, then you will notice that I am a big lyrics and quotes fan. When I listen to music, I like nothing better than to listen to the words and let the music (initially) come second. One song on their album had a line which, at this time in my life just shouted out to me:

"When we were younger

We thought everyone was on our side

Then we grew a little."

The Lumineers - Flowers In Your Hair

When we're younger, everything is 'hidden', 'kept secret' or 'pushed to the side' to protect us. Kids are sheltered from many a things which is why they see things as black or white, they don't see the shades of grey which as an adult, we become overwhelmed with on some days.

I recall everyone having my back. Friends were friends, family had your back and no-one (except maybe your teacher) was going to go against you. As I grew older, the rose tinted glasses became clearer and the world became greyer. I began to not only see but also feel where the pain and hurt was around me. It was then I began to realise that not everyone was worthy of my time and patience. Some people will do anything to get what, who and where the want. These people most certainly are not on our sides. What is the age you reach when you realise this? When you start to be an adult and having to do some fending for yourself? It's subjective really, each individual has so many varied life experiences at different times in there life that we can never say you 'grow up' at x age. As soon as we begin to grow a little, the cracks appear and people drift.    

 

"So then we grew a little and knew a lot."

 

The Lumineers - Flowers In Your Hair

This is the point we realise that not everyone is on our side. But it is not until, for the most part of us, that we realise that there is hurt out there we'd never imagine having to go through. How do we deal with it when we have always been looked out for? Well, I have learnt that those people didn't just 'have my back', they taught me how to be strong, how to feel, how to empathise, how to be a better person so that when I did grow I had a good spirit in me. They may not physically have my back but the effect on me is there to see. 

When I was younger, if I hadn't been surrounded by these people I know I would have been a very different person to who I am today. I am using that spirit to keep going as if all those from when I was younger still had my back. In role reversal I am there to do the same for my nephew, who has had the trauma of losing his father at 18. He is too old for me to shield him from things and push things to one side. Therefore I will do the next best thing and be there for him. I'm on his side and I dread the person who will try to hurt that boy. He is not only my nephew but a little brother to me from the way we have grown up together. 

I will always be on his side, whether he grows more or not. After all, my big brother - as well as older siblings still with me - was and always will be on my side irregardless of where he is now. 
 

Relationship dynamics...

Isn't it funny when you think you've made a decision, swear that that decision will be the one that you follow and then all of a sudden you're back to square one?

Well this is my life right now. I've alluded to relationships many a times on this blog but never really explained myself. Basically, my Mr Past arrived back in my life last year and has never left. We've had 'vacations' from one another both on his terms and my terms, we've had arguments from my side and his and we've had lots of good communication.

The big problem however? We're in two different places, living two different lives. We have spoken many a times about what went wrong - both agreeing on bad timing. We met due to his work (sports), he returned home about 2 months later. At the time we both agreed to not get attached and we understood that it was be a short term thing. Only problem being is that it is clear we both forgot our own advice.

Just one of many thoughts about past ...

We had a break of about a year when he returned home and inevitably went to another town in the US to play and I was back home. But, as these things come full circle, we ended up back in contact. It has now been over a year since we have reconnected and I feel like I am stuck. 

Stuck in this fake long distance relationship. One where we are in regular contact, support one another and help each other to stay positive. I am very careful though to keep things 'friends' knowing that we're so far away.This is sometimes a lot harder than I ever imagined.

Many a times I have decided that the only way things can get better between us is to cut contact. I worry that it will be destructive for me as well as him in the long run. Every time I try this, it's as if my heart stops me. My mind is a strong thing but it appears my heart is even stronger and pulls me away from what I believe to be sanity.

It sounds like a situation and quite frankly I think it is. I don't want to be stuck in this place of uncertainty where I feel like I am just fun for Mr Past and sometimes I feel like I am one of the most important people to him. Needless to say, with everything else going on in my life lately this desicion making has been on the back burner. Now I am beginning to feel stronger, I need to act here and solve this. 

What to do? How to deal with this without causing pain to myself or him? Let's hope I can use my strength to finally deal with this and find a solution.

Grief reveals you...

" Grief does not change you, it reveals you."

John Green

Grief is something which I have had to deal with for 18 days now. Yep, I am counting in days still. It has been 18 days since my big brother lost his battle with cancer and left the world which I am still in. 

Has it gotten easier? Yes - doesn't everything after time?

Am I feeling better? No.

When asked how I am doing, I never know how to answer. Do people really want to know my answer and listen to me or are they being polite and doing what they believe is expected? I never know and for that reason I keep my cards close to my chest. I usually respond with, " Yea, one day at a time." Which is really not something I am taking comfort in at the very moment.

The quote which I have started with definitely rang true to me when I read it. It isn't changing me, more revealing a strength I didn't know I had which is obviously because I have never needed to use it before. When my Grandparents passed away, I was upset but this is something totally different. I feel like this was not the time for him to leave us. The longer time passes, I realise just how selfish this is of me of course. Why should ha have suffered more just because I want to talk to him again?

I have had to find the strength to do such simple everyday things. At work, I have gradually grew comfortable being in front of my class again. When I first returned I felt anxious with all their eyes watching me when I was unsure of whether I could get through a lesson without breaking down. In fact, many of my moments of fun this week have been in my classroom when the children have been excited about something or have shared stories with me or just seeing them laughing. 

One thing my brother began to instill in us all is to find the beauty in simple pleasures and hearing a child laugh is one of those. I take pleasure in the sun shine on cold November days and feel like it's him smiling at me. I am delving into books and reading a lot, anything to take my mind to a different place helps me.

By revealing my strength and patience and fragility (to some), I am beginning to adapt my outlook on life and relationships with all in my life. These life changing moments test the strongest friendships and I hate to say but I feel some of mine have failed. Some however, I feel like I am letting fail, a good friend of mine is having issues with her work but I am pushing her away. Not to hurt her or that I don't want her around, I just am not ready to help her deal with her problems because I am so heartbroken with my grief. I have found my patience - which is something I have always been known for - has gone. It will come back but I know this will take time. I am being selfish because at this moment I need to find myself in a more secure and safe space in my own thoughts and life. 

I guess my grief is revealing me to be a stronger person than some thought. Many people have called me brave for returning to work so soon - and what a tough week it has been. But in some ways I have to disagree with the quote, there is no way NOT to change when dealing with grief. I am not the same person I was in that I have fears over things which I never had, I have something missing from me which was has always been there and I have a unnerving sadness in me which can not be softened at this moment. 

Time is passing, I am becoming more settled, but I already know that a little gap in my heart will be there forever now. The break will heal and patch up but that gap will not.

Thank you for all the blog love comments of support and kindness ... I appreciate them all, you wonderful people. 

Change of place...

Contrary to what the title suggests, I am not moving but for today my blog post has! I have found the past couple of weeks to be really difficult to focus thoughts... inevitably my mind wanders to various moments over the past few months and time spent with my brother.

A good friend and blogger, Rebecca, asked me to guest blog for her so I accepted and hopefully this will help ease me back into the world of writing for pleasure.

Please head over to her blog to read my thoughts on friendships and share your own friendship thoughts.

Click here to go read...

 

Source: bealady.net via Andie on Pinterest

No one's getting out of here alive...

It is with great sadness I am sharing this post with you all. As you are aware my big brother has been fighting hard against cancer. On November 1st, in the early hours, he sadly lost the fight and passed away surrounded by all his family.

After a scare on Wednesday evening which resulted in him being resuscitated, we received a call early Thursday to say he was going downhill once again and all made the journey to be with him. Words can not describe the pain which hit me when I walked into his room and saw him. I knew the end was near and I wanted more than anything to have things pick up all of a sudden and him to be fine but truth be told, he looked so fragile that I knew this was all that was left. We all spoke to him, held his hand, which he was unable to move, and then he went. The sadness and tears around me was unbearable. The pain of humans is a thing to behold and how we all handle things differently is amazing. I have never felt more scared and distraught at the same time.

My brother was an amazing guy. I have looked through old messages, texts, emails and what's apps between us and can see the connection we had. He was someone who I could talk to on the phone for hours about random things as well as deep and meaningful things. Craig was such a logical man who dealt with things in a way which others could sometimes not see. When diagnosed in January , we became even closer and saw each other on a weekly basis. In that time we continued our discussion of sometimes nothingness but it was us and that's what amused us. From watching a football game to Unsolved Mysteries. Over the last 5 weeks during his time in hospital, it has become part of my life to see him almost on a daily basis. One of our last conversations was him explaining the idea behind Star Wars and the fact they came in three's. Just so normal. He was a hero of mine, a man who inspired me and made me question life and what we're here for. He always said he wasn't scared to die and accepted that it was going to happen. I just hope that that was something he held onto at that final moment of passing.

Rest in peace My Craig. I will always, truly miss you and will think of you forever. Thank you for being a brilliant big brother who made me laugh, cry and want to be the best person I could be. I will love you always and forever.

Fill not your hearts with pain and sorrow,
but remember me in every tomorrow.
Remember the joy, the laughter, the smiles,
I've only gone to rest a little while.
Although my leaving causes pain and grief,
my going has given me relief
So dry your eyes and remember me,
not as I am now, but as I used to be.
Because, I will remember you all
and look on with a smile.
Understand in your hearts
I've only gone to rest a little while.
As long as I have the love of each of you,
I can live my life in the hearts of you.