From the vaults: Love has always been the message...

Before we welcome the New Year, I thought I would share one of my posts where I mused about love. Love is powerful and something (even if we sometimes don't admit it) which we want and need. It's not easy though, and the older I get the harder I am finding it to just let go and accept love.

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4.3.2011: Love has always been the message 

I received a new album the other day. For those who read my blog you will know how much I love a band called Bright Eyes. If you are new....well I love Bright Eyes!

I got their new album yesterday and the opening track has this man speaking. I'm not sure who he is or what he does but it grabs your attention. Then he says a line, which even the first time I heard it, stood out for me. It was:

"And love's always been the message. It's just - circumstances happen, right? People freak out, just flat flip out, you know?"

It's true, people always want love and believe in it and try and live to a certain state of love however circumstances change everything sometimes. Yesterday I blogged about children's views changing. This is very  much what happens in love. Love (in most cases) develops quite out of the blue whether instantly or over a long time. Neither of which people expect. It can all be great and then circumstances happen. I don't need to even give examples of this as I am pretty sure you could all give me a number of these which has affected love for you. How do we control that 'flip flap' and stop ourselves freaking out. I myself am a person who wants love yet as soon as it comes near for some reason or another I become self destructive and 'freak out'. Sometimes I am aware of it, other times I will reflect and think.. why on earth didn't I just admit to how I felt? Things could've been oh so different.

I know that we all have free choice but I hope that the thought everything happens for a reason is true... the thought that I have ruined something is just not good. If you are in love.. hold on tight and if you are still waiting then accept it when it happens. We don't want to flip out do we?

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From the vaults: I have returned.

Today's post looks back at my travelling around East coast of USA. It was my very first time travelling alone and I learnt so much about myself during that time. I look back and wish I could find that version of myself once again but so many things have happened since then. However, just thinking about it make me smile and happy that I was once that brave!

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23.8.2011 : I have returned

I have returned from my adventures and still feel a little jet lagged and tired. Hope you all enjoyed the posts while I was away, I will read and look at all your comments soon!!

Now for my trip, what can I say about it? The words life changing come to mind. Before I went away I thought I was happy and fine and content but after this trip I realise that in fact I was rather lost. There were a number of things in my life which just weren't working and until I removed myself from it all I had not been able to see things clearly.

On my 2nd day of the trip I found myself sitting next to Miss Aussie. We chatted and got along well...fast forward near 3 weeks later and we are best friends. In previous posts I have spoken about people coming into your life for a reason and she is one of those people. From that 2nd day we both realised that we needed each other in our lives to help figure things out. We were both at a bit of a stuck point in our life and were able to coax out the way to move on for each other. I can not verbalise well enough how amazing she was for me. I have began to look at things in different ways and identify the changes to make. Obviously she lives in Australia and I in England but it's ok, that wont stop us from staying friends (also gives us great reasons to visit UK and Australia). 

The trip itself also opened my eyes to so many different places, people and events in history. I was standing in Gettyysburg battle field just in awe at the fact that I was so lucky to be there and learn about the important history which took place there. This is just one of the things which I felt grateful for being able to see. I overcame fears when I took a helicopter ride over Niagra Falls. I had intellectual conversations with local French Candians in Montreal and realised how nice it is when men treat you with repsect. I went to my first ball game (Go Red Sox!) in Boston. I partied in DC and visited Arlington Cemetary. I could go on. All these experiences and more have made me feel like I need to see more and do more in my life. I always wanted to but felt somewhat anxious but now I realise that it's fine. 

Finally, not only did I meet a soulmate I also made a lot of other great friends. I talked to people from different countries and learnt about new things. I also figured out that my accent is damn hard to understand and vodka coke is not a common drink in the states. In Canada I had two bar staff exclaim that they'd never made that drink before!! So I like to think I taught people some new things too haha!

There is more in my mind still swirling after this trip but I just can't find all the words yet. I'm trying to process all the things which I have discovered and found out about myself. I am just extrmeley proud of myself that I took such a big step to do this. 

Now I know you've been reading this thinking, "Just share some pictures," so here are a very, very small amount of photos for you all.

Consider this post as Part 1. I have so many photos and will share the Canada and Boston leg of the trip soon!!! As TexaGermaNadian can attest, I have many many photos and some of which are not blog worthy haha!!!

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From the Vaults : Where the lines overlap.

While I work on getting my blogging (and life) mojo back, I thought I would take a trip down memory lane and share some of my favourite past blog posts with you all. Hopefully this will give me a kick up the rear end and remind me why I love blogging.

Today's post is one which I shared the friendship with a fellow blogger. My friendship with Rebecca at 'Forever after Undecided' (where she now blogs), is still going well and I have made more since then. This is definitly a perk of blogging - it's a special community.

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25.10.2011 : Where the lines overlap

When I started blogging I was unaware of all the friendships I would make. I have made a few very good friends who I can actually share a little bit of my 'real life me' with too. This past week I have become 'real life' friends with Rebecca who blogs over at A day in the life of a German girl.

She is a fabulous blogger and we seemed to have an instant connection in the blog world. We saw little bits of ourselves in each others posts, assured each other that 'No, you're not the only one to think that,' and lately we've began to chat in real life. Now it seems strange to use this term 'real life' because well, my blog IS real life and everything on here is true and is me. I suppose, as my titles suggest, the lines over lap somewhat. Now I see her in a blogger world and also in real time world.

In blogging we can edit and refine our words. As honest as posts are they can be censored, written in witty ways and polished. Myself and Rebecca have been able to talk and actually get each other and realise that there was a reason why we were drawn to each others blogs. We are similar, we do have the same insecurities and issues. Through talking we have bonded and I truly know that in her I have found a good friend.

I know people complain about the likes of Facebook and technology for making people more distant but in fact it's helped us to be able to form a new friendship regardless of where we actually are in the world. So it isn't all that bad now is it? 

So i just want to say that I am pleased that some of my lines have overlapped because through this I have made not just friends with Rebecca but another couple of blogger friends (Yes yes- that's you El Grande :-) and Lindsey!). 

So if you're a new blogger and you're reading this... enjoy because you are going to make some fabulous friends!

Have you made any good blog friends since entering the world of blogging?
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Merry Christmas...

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas with those nearest and dearest to you. Also, save a wish for those special people who can't be with us all anymore. Take and and Christmas Wishes to all!!

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Do I still want to blog?

I have been thinking about blogging lately and whether I should continue or not. I feel like all my posts lately have been so down. There's being honest and there's also being downright miserable. I don't know how helpful my honesty will be. Sometimes it's just too over bearing. 

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I feel like I maybe don't have the heart for it anymore. I have lost my way in my life it feels and that is now spilling over to my blog life too. I have lost a lot of inspiration and direction. I don't really know where to go at the moment. 

I have dreams and wishes but how to strive for those is unknown to me right now. Through my therapy sessions, I am beginning to figure out ways but I still don't know how long it will take. This is in regards to career, love life and my health. In relation to my blog, I just don't know how relevant I am anymore and if I actually have any thoughts worth sharing. I may have a few little posts of inspiration over the holidays and then I will see you back in the New Year for my recap and hopefully I have gained some extra perspective then.

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Fight like a boss.

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It's been a long, hard, slog this year but I am still fighting. I am understanding I need to recover and becoming so much more in tune with my body. This is allowing me a greater understanding of where my boundaries lie. Above all, I am fighting, fighting everyday against the dark cloud of depression and anxiety. Guess what ... I'm starting to feel like I am winning - or at least I've won a couple rounds. 

Whatever you're going through, keep fighting.

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What I love about Christmas

It's nearly that time again - Christmas! Most people have a love/hate relationship with this time of the year with the business, family dynamics, decorating, shopping etc etc. Personally, I love this time of the year.

Family
I love my family and I love spending time with them all. Boxing Day is the big family day where all the family come to my parents and we have a big buffet. We all chat and mingle and just have a special day. Christmas day is one of my favourites, I head home and my twin and parents spend a special day together. I love the lazy morning and the quiet nap time in the afternoon and just that cosy day. 

Work families and home families come together.

Lights and sparkle
The only time of the year where the more twinkle and sparkle the better! When decorating my home I stood back and thought, hmm .. have I gone too overboard? But then told myself off because there is no such thing at Christmas. I love the dark nights and twinkling lights in town and the special decorations in the shopping malls. 

Good cheer
Christmas is the time of good cheer and even the most hardened 'bah humbug' people melt a little with the Christmas songs and the bad taste jumpers and the mistletoe!

Presents
I will not lie, I love presents. Both buying and receiving. I can't wait to see the faces as people open the pristine wrapped gifts I have bought. I like the excitement of the surprises in my Christmas bags. This year, there was nothing I needed so all gifts are a surprise. This is something which I still get excited for when trying to sleep Christmas Eve.

Ahh Michael Scott - The great crusader of Christmas presents!

I hope you are all feeling festive and are looking forward to some Christmas cheer!

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Learning a lesson.

Over the past weeks I have gradually been improving. Most times when I have the off days I feel like everything is so bad but then a new day comes and I feel better. I am starting to realise these off days are less. The funny thing is that I almost didn't realise I was getting better. I had become so used to and perhaps comfortable with the feeling of darkness and numbness. Now when I laugh I sometimes stop myself like it's the wrong thing to be doing, when really it's something I should feel proud of. To come from the darkness I have is bloody hard work and that is something I need to give myself credit for.

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I am starting to see how badly I treated myself, thinking I didn't deserve things. Punished myself in gruelling work situations and pushed till I literally broke. I was not me, I couldn't recognise myself now looking back. It took, probably till now, since the beginning of the year till I have realised that I need to make some positive changes in my life and start to actually respect myself. I believe this experience has been dealt to me in order for me to learn and figure some things out.

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Have you ever felt a difficult time was sent to you in order to teach you something?

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Happiness is only real when shared.

Today was a lazy Sunday. I slept in and after being up another hour I needed to have a lie down again. Maybe it was the sedatives I am prescribed to help sleep or maybe I was just tired. Either way, I was in a 'slow' and 'quiet' mood today. As I was lying on the floor (yep, I hadn't even made it back to the sofa from checking my phone), I saw the DVD, 'Into the Wild'. I have had this sitting for the best part of a year, waiting to be watched. Today, I decided, was the day.

I have to admit, I didn't totally know what this film was about. I had a basic idea but other than that I waded in pretty unsure which I liked. I could watch and form my own opinions as the film went on. As I watched the movie and became engrossed in the adventures of the lead, Alex Supertramp (Christopher McCandless) as he worked his way to Alaska. After college, he gave all his savings to charity, packed up a bag and left his family without a word, never to speak to them again.

The film, produced and directed by Sean Penn, documents his travels and the lives he touched along the way. As I watched it I became engrossed in his struggles and in awe of his happiness and wonderment of the things and experiences he saw. It was heart warming and touching.

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He made friends and these people were the same as me - in awe of this young man making a journey to find, what seemed like, happiness. There are pointers to a difficult childhood and destructive parents throughout. I got the feeling he was looking for something, not necessarily trying to love without the constraints of society. Yes, that was a big part due to the family upbringing, but it seemed he wanted something more. At the end he comes to the conclusion of, 'Happiness is only real when shared.'

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The past few months, happiness is something I have somewhat struggled with. When I have had brief moments of happiness I have been shocked and felt guilty and odd for smiling. It is like I have become used to the feeling of depression, it has become my 'normal' mode and kinda comforting. Happiness is important and we can find it in so many places without even looking.

I have spent a lot of time alone recently and I have had moments of happiness. But I have sought to be alone, I preferred that to being in groups. I couldn't stand to make conversation or be in social situations. The thought of having to make myself smile was just too much energy which I didn't have. I began to think that being alone was the best thing for me - you read so many things which say be around others but I disagreed. I much preferred being by myself and not feeling the pressures to 'put on a show' which I had felt the the whole year. It became exhausting.

I was just that, exhausted and began to think being alone was the best thing I could do. As my medications and therapy began to work, I realised this was not true. I realised that having others around me was extremely important. I an share my smiles and the fun things I see. During therapy, we are pursuing the walls which I have built around me and I am trying to understand the reasons behind why I do this. Why I don't let people in. But, through all of this I am realising the importance of others.

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Friendships and families are important. You don't have to spend all day every day with other people, in fact learning to be alone is a skill in itself, but having contact and sharing is important. Finding the happiness and sharing it makes us whole. As the film carries on, the main character finishes his soul searching and when tries to go back to civilisation can not. The time gets harder and it seems to suddenly dawn on him that - Happiness is only real when shared.

Obviously, my opinions on the movie are just that - opinions. But in thoughts to the happiness shared - I truly believe that happiness is only real when shared. Even if you experience the happiness alone (like 'Alex' in the movie), sharing that later with another person makes it real. As I begin to find myself and feel more positive, I am finding the happiness again and wanting to share it with others and not to stay in my own shell. I am not saying I will let anyone into my life, because I won't. But, I will start to let those close to me in once again and share the happiness. Christmas seems like the perfect time to do this.


Also, check out the soundtrack, it is amazing and has many fantastic Eddie Vedder songs:

"You think you have to want more than you nee."

Remember, share the happiness.

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Starting to phase.

Next week I am beginning to phase back into the work environment after 10 weeks away with depression and anxiety. All I can say about it, is that I'm terrified. I have this image in my mind (and in my dreams) that I will fail disastrously with the return. I have felt high anxiety since knowing I was going back two weeks ago and I can't calm it (without prescription meds at least).

I am not scared of the teaching, that I can do standing on my head. I am also sure that the kids are going to be happy to see me back in the classroom. I can only imagine how happy their faces are going to be when I open the door on Monday morning. Being with my class again is something I am looking forward to that's for sure!

I am scared of the teacher 'responsibilities' that are there every day after the teaching side is done. I can do all the things but what scares me is that I will burn myself out once again trying to do all these things. Between thinking about what I've missed and need to catch up with as well as thinking about what is coming is heightening my anxiety quite a lot. However, with all my tablets and sedatives to help sleep I am feeling rather numb to the panic. I have another lot of Valium just to keep with me in case I do need help calming my body down.

Also, the staff at school is an issue for me. I don't like being the center of attention and I know that everyone will be asking how I am and what was wrong etc etc. I don't want this - I just want to slip back in and get on with things. As well, I am cautious as to whether people care or are just curious. In schools the staff dynamic is a funny one and everyone likes to know everything. I don't want to be the 'everything'. 

All I can do is try to stay calm and know that I am good at my job and hopefully once I am back everything will fall back into place. Fingers crossed.

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My First Christmas

December the 1st was an important day for me, not just because it was the start of advent (which I love) but because I put up my Christmas tree. How is that important? Well, this is the first Christmas I will spend in my own home. I have decided the 1st of December will be my tradition for when I put up the decorations.

Ready to go!

Back in February, I stepped onto the property ladder with the purchase of my first home. I bought it myself and it belongs to me - independent woman right here! That was a good part of my year but overall it has been a hell of year and I feel as though I have had to claw my way through it most the time.

When I put up my tree and began to decorate, I took in my surroundings and felt proud. Proud that I could own my own place. The tree and lights were also my late brother's. It felt like a nice little nod to him when I had them all up - Christmas was one of his favourite times of the year and I know he would be proud to see them in my first home.

Shiny, shiny!

I had so much fun buying decorations, to the point where I had to take so many back as I couldn't make decisions on colours. I put my Christmas music on, poured a cheeky vodka and coke and set up the decorations. After the tree, I set up my calender with the pretty new flowers I bought just for the occasion.

Ho, ho, chocolate!

Nothing beats the feel of a warm, cosy living room with a Christmas tree all dolled up. My home feels even more than before. I am hoping this Christmas time is the start of a better year.

Lights on...

Shining in the darkness...

Have you put your decorations up yet? What is your favourite thing about decorating for the holiday season?

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