Starting to phase.

Next week I am beginning to phase back into the work environment after 10 weeks away with depression and anxiety. All I can say about it, is that I'm terrified. I have this image in my mind (and in my dreams) that I will fail disastrously with the return. I have felt high anxiety since knowing I was going back two weeks ago and I can't calm it (without prescription meds at least).

I am not scared of the teaching, that I can do standing on my head. I am also sure that the kids are going to be happy to see me back in the classroom. I can only imagine how happy their faces are going to be when I open the door on Monday morning. Being with my class again is something I am looking forward to that's for sure!

I am scared of the teacher 'responsibilities' that are there every day after the teaching side is done. I can do all the things but what scares me is that I will burn myself out once again trying to do all these things. Between thinking about what I've missed and need to catch up with as well as thinking about what is coming is heightening my anxiety quite a lot. However, with all my tablets and sedatives to help sleep I am feeling rather numb to the panic. I have another lot of Valium just to keep with me in case I do need help calming my body down.

Also, the staff at school is an issue for me. I don't like being the center of attention and I know that everyone will be asking how I am and what was wrong etc etc. I don't want this - I just want to slip back in and get on with things. As well, I am cautious as to whether people care or are just curious. In schools the staff dynamic is a funny one and everyone likes to know everything. I don't want to be the 'everything'. 

All I can do is try to stay calm and know that I am good at my job and hopefully once I am back everything will fall back into place. Fingers crossed.

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