'It'd be nice if you could pull me into town...'

This week has been (dare I say it) a relatively good week for me. After my temper tantrum Saturday and a relaxed Sunday I have been trying to focus on my calmness and the acceptance that each day may not be easy. I felt a lot of anxiety on Monday and sat writing down my 'anxieties' while I had breakfast which worked well - it was as if that helped me to 'let go'. Maybe now is the time I am ready to begin thinking more toward CBT? It's too early to say, all I can say is that I have had a number of happy moments this week and I have had drive.

I came across a few things on Pinterest which I have looked at in mornings to cheer me and which make me laugh. Now it has been years since I have watched Napoleon Dynamite but I cam across some movie stills and quotes which have just cheered me up no end today so I wanted to share them with you all and put a smile on your face!

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What has made you smile this week?

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Time to be happy

I hope this is the beginning of my up phase, I think it's time I deserve to be happy again.

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I did not want to carry it with me anymore - finding a calmness.

My latest weekend was much improved to the previous. I had more drive and actually did things other than just sleep. However, I had anger, lots of anger. I was angry at my predicament, angry that I am not getting better fast enough and angry that some days I feel so far from 'myself' that I am not sure I will ever find 'her' again.

Sunday morning was another early phone call with Miss Australia. We discussed how we were getting along, now we were coping and what things were positive and good in our lives. Slowing down was quite a big part of the conversation. I know myself that I buzz about, doing anything and everything to keep busy when at work - or at least I used to. Now, I find myself lethargic all the time and craving so much sleep that it is beyond normal. But I still try and push myself, I still try to run around like a crazy woman who squeezes 48 hours into 24.

I have begun to realise that I can not do that right now. It is not fair to try and push my body to do that when it is screaming at me to SLOW DOWN. So I have decided to try and listen. Slowing down is not going to do harm after all. I decided that I need to let go of what I 'expect' and 'want' to be able to do, but listen to what I am able to do. Some things I need to let go. 

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Not just in my work life, but also in my personal life. There are things I don't want or even need. Clinging and fighting are just ways to make myself more tired and cause the ongoing battle with my depression even worse. Looking after myself should be my number one priority. As the week has gone past, I have felt somewhat lighter and I wouldn't exactly say happy, but a little calmer. Understanding what I can deal with, what I can't deal with and what I shouldn't have to deal with has settled me a little. 

This settled feeling is nice. It has been some time since I have felt remotely settled. The happiness can take its time, it will be there again soon (I hope) or at least some minor form. But for this week, I am happy with 'settled'. This could change in a flash, after all the way I feel is purely dictated from the moment I open my eyes of a morning. There is no control, just how I wake up sets the tone for the day.

But maybe if I can hold on to some of this calmness and realisation of my own limitations and boundaries I can start to find moments of happiness to start building a new 'me'. A less fragile 'me'. I can only try. 

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How do you find your 'calmness' in the middle of a storm?

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I almost had an 'I need a guy moment'.

I'm so pleased it's the weekend. Its been a long, long week! By the end I feel like I have accomplished quite a lot at work but the start is something I would like to forget. I was planning to visit my friend tonight but I just didn't have the energy. I felt like I was falling asleep on the way back home from work, let alone driving home later tonight. So a night in (as usual) is on the cards.

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I like having my nights in on my own. I have learnt to enjoy my own company as of lately. Going through what I am going through, I have had no option but to spend time alone. I am working to accept myself and acknowledge my small steps. I don't have to work on enjoying being alone, that is quite ok to me. I have always enjoyed time alone. I don't find it difficult. 

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Lately I have been feeling a little lonely some days. Like I want a relationship and I want to have the comfort of someone else even just to watch trashy tv shows with and snuggle on the sofa. I feel like this is a good sign. I am beginning to feel the urge to actually want to socialise. It can go as quick as it comes though and is replaced with crippling anxiety. Other times, I just wonder if I could actually trust a guy in my life right now. I haven't had that much luck in the past to prove otherwise. 

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Are you happy to see the end of this week?

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Who do you wish you were?

I was in touch with Miss Australia last weekend. I met her while travelling America and I also visited her out in Australia where we travelled and had a fabulous time together. As of late, we have both been suffering from issues and she has been moving about Australia. We finally managed to speak to one another on the phone since Christmas.

Miss Australia is one of the most positive people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and I am so honoured to call her not just my friend, my best friend. Miss Australia helped me start to discover a more spiritual and positive side to my personality. 

When I spoke to her she said, " You still sound exactly like the same Missy I know. Happy and positive. You taught me how to indulge myself and look after myself, that's something I won't ever forget." 

I was shocked to hear this because all I felt like saying was, " Noo!! It's not me, I'm not me anymore. I am an impostor and not happy." But I held back. Later I thought about it and realised that often, when people compliment me these days, I am so quick to shut it down. They are seeing me as I am and maybe they (and my therapist) are right. I am still here. I am making progress.

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My acceptance and understanding is so foggy right now that I can't see the person I want to be. Perhaps I am trying to be someone else so badly that I have lost control of my identity which other people still see. It's quite an interesting thought, and one which I will be bringing up with my therapist this weekend. What if I am just too far removed from myself now that I can't find myself when I am right here?

Do you think you get so down on yourself that others see something in you that you don't?

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Hope - still believe even when it's hard.

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Hope. Such a small word but such a big meaning. All around us, people are holding out hope for various reasons. To me, hope is fading in and out right now. It never really goes, it sometimes just is so small to see and feel that I have to work extra hard to find it. My hope of feeling better and the fog of depression lifting is not easy. Too often I am still up and down.

Yesterday was a difficult day, I spend most of it in bed - absolutely zonked. I was then back to bed early. I woke up fine but by the time I had finished my breakfast, it hit me. Anxiety and panic. I sat, unable to move, unable to start getting dressed or washing my face. I was paralysed with fear and anxiety about work. Not the job itself, just the actual going out and putting on my 'I'm fine' face. 

This has happened before and I always manage to push past it and make it into work. Today, I couldn't. As I sat, trying to reason with myself and coax myself into standing up, to walking to the bathroom, to wash my face etc etc my body would not react. For once my mind over ruled everything. Nothing was going to happen. 

I then had to call work and after the way my acting head teacher (deputy) was during my phase back, I was even more panicked about calling. To put it politely, he has been a bit of a dick about things and I have not been supported. I feel this could be the contribution to the anxiety I feel for the place. So with shaking hands I called and told them I had been sick. I was too scared to tell him the truth, worried that in some way it would be held against me.

At this point, my hope today was at an all time low. I was disappointed at myself that I could not push through and felt like I had taken the easy option out. But as I lay in bed, I realised that I was looking after me. Thinking my boss would use the fact that I was suffering against me, made me realise that I have to look after myself because not many others will. 

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I know some people would laugh and wonder how I couldn't go in to work. They may also laugh at me 'not really being ill' because it was not able to be seen. But it is so real to me. The moment of waking every day not knowing which 'me' I am going to be. I miss just waking up and going about my day, happy and getting things done. Having the occasional deadline freak out but getting it done and celebrating with a night out. I still have the hope that I am there. But I know some days this hope will be hard to find. I have to rely on myself as there is no one helping me find it. As great as my friends are, I just want someone to tell me it's going to be ok and hug me. 

I have spend most of the day in bed just laying and thinking and dosing off into a dreamworld. I finally got up at 2pm for some food and I am now contemplating my next move after this blog post. I found a list of positive distractions on Pinterest. I think I may bake, again I can feel the panic rising that I am setting myself a task to do but I know once I get motivated I will enjoy it and it will take my mind off things. Plus, I get to eat sweet and tasty treats afterwards. 

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How do you keep hope alive when times are tough?

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5 reasons why I love being a woman!

Today is International Woman's Day so I thought I would share some reasons why I love being a woman. It is not always easy to be a woman but it can definitely be fun!

1: I can cry when I want 
Emotions - the bain of my life sometimes but I love that I can let them go and just cry sometimes. As woman, we are sometimes berated for showing feelings and we're made to feel like we should lock things up inside. No. We shouldn't. We feel emotions and we should let them go. 

2: Who did what?
We gossip, we bitch but what would being a woman be if we didn't do it. I am not talking about the nasty stuff. It's just those rants you have with your best friends where you put the world to rights. I also know men who when they are with woman comment how much they love to have a little gossip session. Men are laughed at but women, we are made to share news. At the end of the day, there was a show all about gossip - it's ok. We can do it and feel fine.

3: Makeup
Where would I be without the invention of make up? Holed up in my home more than likely. For years I suffered with bad skin and only the use of makeup helped me become confident to go out. If Cleopatra wore makeup, I can and I can be happy to wear it. I don't care if it 'hides' me or men think I look better 'natural'. I love doing m eyes and finding new products and feeling pretty. Who doesn't like that right?

4: Glitter, sequins, short skirts, long skirts, halter, crop...
Clothes! I love clothes, however materialistic that sounds. New shoes are a weakness of mine but I am picky so will not go to crazy. Shopping for clothing as a woman we have so many choices and options out there. We can match our outfits to our moods, shoes or just choose something because it looks downright awesome. I will wear what I want and what I feel comfortable in. But still, as I trawl through my wardrobes I hear myself saying, "I've nothing to wear."

5: I am always right and never really fine. 
We, as women, have our own language. Do we mean what we're saying? Yes we do, but maybe we don't? You'll never really know. I sit with my friends and I can read everyone of them. Sit with a group of men and they never quite know where they are, they just always know I am right. Being so open  showing our emotions, sometimes words are the only thing we can use to protect us. So go ahead, ask me if I really am 'fine' today.

What do you love about being a woman?

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Prozac Nation - Feels like we're all in that place.

I watched a film last week which really struck a chord with me. Prozac Nation. It is based on memoir by Elizabeth Wurtzel. During her University years, she suffered from depression and it chronicles the down spiral and her time of getting better.

Going through depression myself, this film really spoke to me. I still struggle to understand what I am going through and can not believe that I, of all people is suffering from this and anxiety. Part of the recovery is acceptance. 

In the film, Elizabeth struggles to accept her depression and this means it becomes more difficult for her to seek and also accept help. I can attest to this feeling. The feeling that you are spiralling down and you can't stop the spiralling but at the same time pretending that everything is fine. 

"...if you ask anyone in the throes of depression how he got there, to pin down the turning point, he'll never know. There is a classic moment in The Sun Also Rises when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt, and all he can say in response is, 'Gradually and then suddenly.' When someone asks how I lost my mind, that is all I can say too." -Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

This is beyond true. I can't pinpoint the moment, it was slowly then all of sudden it was as if I just fell of a ledge and that was it. The moment that you know you have depression is a shock. It still doesn't make it easy to accept help. It was at this point I decided to seek help.

My doctor, who had been calling me back to see her every 3 weeks for the previous 10 months, was amazing and when I spoke to her she was happy to help. I knew she had been waiting for me to understand what was happening, unlike some doctors who would happily just write out prescription upon prescription.

Telling my friends and parents was a different story. I felt comfortable with my doctor but telling my parents I was so unwell was difficult. After having seen them go through so much with the illness and loss of my big brother, I didn't want to make them worry even more. In the movie, Elizabeth's mam comes into her dorm room and complains how untidy the place while she just lies there. I didn't want this, I didn't want the fussing.

When I was at my worst, I could not get out of bed. I would lie and hope for the want to move but I couldn't, I would lie and want to move but not be able to. Work was near impossible, every morning I would cry and feel so fatigued. The tiredness became a painful darkness. Not just a tiredness which you feel better about when you have a sleep, a tiredness which gets heavier and weighs you down.

"...then one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live." -Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

It was hell. I would not wish depression on to anyone. I finally told my family and parents after two weeks on anti-depressants. I suffered problems with starting tablets and my anxiety shot through the roof. I wanted people to understand and they didn't. I had two close friends who supported me and showed an understanding. They have been my rocks. Eventually, my parents understood but it took some time. Having such a supportive doctor made things a lot easier. 

Even though my close friends were supportive, I tried to push them away. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin, that I didn't want them to have to 'put up with me'. Time after time they assured me they were not feeling that way. 

My depression began to define me and I let it. It is strange because even know, i have more down days than up days. I feel like the depression is an addiction in itself. I almost don't know what to do with myself when I am happy. I laugh or smile and shock myself. Am I really smiling?! What should I say? Do I actually want to be social? I feel almost comfortable in my depression. I know what to expect and I know how to behave. I can hide away from the world and people don't bother me. My two close friends have continued to keep in constant contact which is great of them. 

In the movie, Elizabeth finally decides to start taking anti-depressant tablets. Through this, the fog starts to lift but not go away. Again, I can attest to this. Even now,as my depression begins to lift slightly, it does not go. I often wonder if I will ever be totally free of this awful illness. From all my reading I know this is something which I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. Am I prepared to deal with this? I guess I have to because there is no other option. I will not give in. 

 

Have you found a way out of depression? How do you deal with the interim depression moments?

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*Images from Pinterest

 

Inspiration - Pinterest edition

I have been slightly MIA this week - I have been so tired of an evening. I think since increasing my medication dose, I have felt a lot more tired and 'sedated' this week. I am pretty sure this will be a start up side effect. On the plus side, I am sleeping more. Every cloud has a sliver lining I guess. 

So today I wanted to share some of my favourite inspiration quotes I have pinned lately. If you want to find me on Pinterest, click here.

I think the pins show that this week my thoughts have been on my own self and accepting myself as well as matters of the heart. It hasn't been an decision but I have tried to walk
away from certain things. I am hoping to not crumble and stay strong.

 

 

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Stilletos and Diaper Bags - New York City Style

Today I am trying my hand at fashion blogging. I was lucky enough to be able to guest blog over at Stilettos and Diaper Bags. Lisa is a fashion blogger and mommy- Busy? Yep, that she is. So, in much need of a break, she put the call out to Guest Bloggers and I happily said 'yes!'.

So if you'd like to see more of my New York City style, Click the link and show some love and visit Lisa's fabulous site! 

Click here: to head over to Stilettos and Diaper Bags

New York Street Style