I have been quite open with some of my struggles as of late and today I am keeping that going. It is difficult to be so open but I want to be able to help others and if that means sharing my experiences then I am happy to.
For the past two weeks I have been taking Sertraline (Zoloft) to try and tackle the issues I have been dealing with. After many months of iron issues, attempts at therapy and discussion of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Depression, I have finally began to accept I am suffering from depression. Initially, my doctor broached the idea of depression earlier this year but I was adamant there was nothing the matter and that after iron help I would be fine. That didn't happen. The crushing fatigue I faced day in and day out did not ease. I had the odd good day but overall all I wanted to do was sleep, rest or just literally stay in bed.
I began to understand there was an issue and that I had to find the issue and deal with it. So I spent my summer break resting and reading up on Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Depression. After much reading I began to see that my symptoms ( in reality - my life) was more concurrent with depression. The overwhelming nothingness of some days, the emotional tars which were cried - often for no reason- the inability to get out of bed or find any motivation to start the day and the daily living jobs which I just neglected. I did not share these feelings with many people at all.
Through not sharing, I felt like I was able to try and push them away. The less I spoke of them the better. I admit that I was embarrassed by this. I felt like I had failed. Failed myself. Failed my family. Failed my late brother.
How had I not been able to cope with my life and ended up here? I was aware of what I went through last year and the personal illnesses which followed, however,why was I unable to deal with all these things. Surely it shouldn't have been that difficult? But it was.
At the end of the summer I visited my doctor once again. I discussed things and between us I decided to try anti-depressants. I have a problem and they are there to support and help. I want my life to be stable again. I want to be able to enjoy my life and the company of those around me. I have shared my situation with people around me but it's hard to be brutally honest. I am finding that, although extremely common, depression is still something very much mis-understood. People who are close to me, have even said, "Just find what makes you unhappy." But that's not what depression is. It's not a clear cut happy and sad situation. It's a cloud of darkness some days.
Have I fully accepted my situation? No. I still find myself fighting it and trying to just 'get on with it'. But slowly I am beginning to listen to my body and trying to slow down. My body and mind needs to heal. With a little help and TLC I hope I can reach the place I want to find again.
Have you suffered from depression? Did you struggle to accept it?
