Travel and Valium

I arrived back from my NYC trip quite happy. It was nice to get away to a place which I love and feel comfortable. It also gave me a glimpse to how I am still 'me' underneath this depression and anxiety which is covering me at the moment. Before my visit I was suffering major anxiety over the travel. But I assured myself that I could do it and I have done so much travelling before it couldn't be that difficult.

However, someone decided to push me and test me to the limits. I departed my home city late due to weather, ran for my connecting flight in the next airport. This was no fun and needless to say I was not looking or feeling my best when I arrived at the gate but I'd done it. I dealt with the stress and settled into the flight.

My next one saw me fly to Toronto where I would then fly a short journey to NYC. As I settled and put all my in flight needs into the pocket in front of me I suddenly began to realise that we were not anywhere near taking off time. How could that be when I had to do an airport dash? I looked around and the crew were just wandering. Then came the announcement - We will be delayed due to technical difficulties with the wing. Seriously?! Yep, they were serious. When we took off we were half an hour late, as I calculated this with my connection time I began to panic that my next flight would be another airport dash. But luckily, my prescribed Diazepam (Valium) kicked in and I managed to get a few hours sleep. 

Two hours before the end of the flight I awoke with a horrific headache and began to panic. I couldn't figure out why, I just knew my head was in pain, I felt sick and I had no paracetamols with me. When you're taking Valium it's not something you think you'll need! So I worked my way to the air stewardess at the back of the plane and asked for some. She gave me the tablets and my panic rose it's head. I began to shake and I could feel the tears building. The stewardess came back to me to check and realising I was not doing well, sat me on the jump seat.

We talked and she gave me sugar water which she said helped one of her friends during attacks. Brought me tissues and sent other passengers back to seats to allow me space alone. She and another stewardess continued to check on me and comfort me throughout the rest of the flight. Even walking me back to my seat at the end. When I told my doctor this she replied, "Oh Missy, that's when you should have taken a diazepam to help too."

Yea, not just the fringe I have in common with Zooey now... [Source]

As I left the flight I realised that I was cutting it short but felt relaxed again until I realised I had to collect my luggage in Toronto and take it to the bag drop (a 25 min walk) through Canadian immigration and American immigration. When I reached the bag tagging area I was told I had missed my flight - no really?! I didn't know! Booked onto another and sent on my way, after being told I did not have an ESTA - which of course I did. Hello, severely depressive with high anxiety is going to have her document and stick to the rules. Cue more panic when approaching US Customs. Of course, all was fine and I was through, bag dropped and used that time to find a spot at a bar, have some food, and have random strangers strike up conversation. It's accent - gets people every time when I'm travelling!

They all want to hear me talk [Source]

So, needless to say that's the first time I've ever missed a flight, had a panic attack mid flight and needed Valium just to get through a day. I could have sat and cried - believe me, I wanted to do that in Toronto airport, in fact, I didn't want to actually leave Toronto airport - but I didn't. I kept going and kept strong. I decided to look at it as showing me that I am still capable of doing things at the moment and also I am able to work through the anxiety, even when alone.

Have you ever had a travel issue which has made you realise how strong you were?

The time I went to therapy...

As readers of my blog, you will know that the past year and a half have not been the easiest for me. Due to circumstances in my life, I developed extremely high anxiety. I can't say I have always been the easiest going of people but I managed my moments fine. However, moments became more frequent and much more intense. It led to a time where I was in a constant state of high anxiety. At first I didn't identify this, I thought my health issues and sadness from the loss of my brother were what were making me feel 'off'. Anxiety is something which is always there for me, I have moments when it subsides and I have moments when it paralyses me and I can't do anything. It makes me feel like I can't do things and this then leads to stress, it is a vicious cycle.
I began to wonder if I had depression and even my doctor discussed the need for tablets which I said a definite no to. It was at that time when I began to think about the offer of therapy which she had discussed in previous sessions. I was beginning to realise I had an issue and that if I didn't deal with it I would end up in an even worse place to where I was at that moment in time.

You are what you think...
[Source]

So I waited for my appointment and finally got the date. My first appointment I was nervous, as you can imagine. It takes a lot to admit that you have a problem and need help. Asking for help is not something which I like to do, much to my detriment sometimes. My first impression of my therapist was so so. I wasn't sure what to expect but there was something there which I didn't feel comfortable with.

I left feeling relieved that I had made it to a session and felt like it could be of some help. What I didn't like was the number work, I had to rate how I felt in various situations in the past two weeks. Personally, I didn't feel like it was of any help due to the fact I was also dealing with health issues which affected my lifestyle. I also don't like attributing numbers to my feelings, they're feelings and emotions.

During visits after I began to lose trust and faith in the therapist. As I was going through Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, there was a big focus on my thought patterns. This meant that my therapist focused on worries and anxiety issues. But I did not like how I was expected to fill in forms and sheets. I explained I found this difficult and she continued to go over various different forms. She didn't listen to my thoughts and was so incredibly focused on the forms I felt she lost focus on me. I went in to one appointment and explained that I'd had a difficult week, she responded with, "Umm. So, let's have a look at this form.." It was then when I realised the match was not for me. Her focus on papers and numbers just didn't sit well with me.

CBT Chart

I made it through 4 sessions and realised that it wasn't for me. I decided to discharge myself and focus on finding my own therapist. Overall the process of therapy is something which I know will help me deal with my stress and anxiety but I think I need to shop around for the right therapist to help me. After all, part of my anxiety is actually making choices and decisions. I think my stress and anxiety is something which I am going to have to deal with for some time to come but if I can get a handle on it, I feel I will feel much more secure in myself.

[Source]

Have you been to therapy or dealt with severe anxiety? What helped you?

To-do lists just got serious...

My life has taken quite a frantic pace as of late. I am having more responsibilities at work and this brings new challenges. The problem is that I am having to slowly adapt my lifestyle to support my health now. I worked myself into the ground through various personal issues and family loss. I am now beginning to emerge again and hopefully make it through without an burn out.

To help me I am utilising to do lists. I have tried them before and failed. I begin to make lists and get so overwhelmed by everything I have to do I stop looking at it. But, through discussion with my therapist we have decided it would be a good step to try and develop. Breaking my 'necessary' jobs into manageable parts. 

True story...[Source]

I have to do lists on my fridge for daily jobs to complete before I go to bed. Then I can wake up in the morning without anxiety over what I haven't done and decided to 'leave until the morning'. Whenever I leave things to the morning I can guarantee I will wish I'd done it the night before. Now that stress and anxiety over little things has gone.

Work however is a different matter. I have work coming out of my ears it feels so trying to narrow down what is necessary and unnecessary is proving more difficult. I have turned to my to do list template to try and help me focus and choose ACHIEVABLE goals for how many I will complete from list.

It is going to take some time but I am serious about this - I know I need to try and get my work/life balance in order and I think this could help me. I currently have 2 'To do lists'. One for my daily school jobs and another for all the sports obs which are specific to my coordinator's role in the school. 

My current sports to do list ... work in progress.

I am trying to cut everything down to only what is needed. I actually stopped myself from doing something today as I deemed it was 'uneccesary' - I praised myself as this is not something I do well. I am hoping this is the start of my getting my life more balanced. I can only but try!

What tips to you have for organising daily jobs?

Sports day stress...

This has been such a long week for me. As it is nearing end of term I have lots of things to sort to get the class ready to move up to the next year. This in itself is not too difficult to sort, however, when you are the Sports Co-ordinator (which I am) you have another major stress. This stress is known as: Sports Day.

This is the one day a year where we have the whole school out taking part in sports activities and parents are invited to see. I decided that I wanted to organise a more competitive day this year as last year the co-ordinator had a kind if Olympic type day which was extremely busy. Therefore I have gone for the whole competition edge with the children competing in team games and independent events. Although this sounds easy to organise, when you factor in it is to include near 400 children then things get complicated. Organisation, resources, teams, planning and staffing is all down to me. The stress hit me on Monday when (paired with class reports) I was given the go ahead to start organising after waiting for quite some time. Wednesday I was told to give a staff meeting, that afternoon to all the rest of the staff about sports day. I spent all morning working on that instead of preparing for the following week. After this the week just went downhill. My stress levels went higher and by last night I was exhausted. It hit Thursday evening and I just didn't know how I was going to be able to make it through Friday.

I worked till late then was up 6.30am Friday morning to finish reports (yes, I have 28 reports to do too) and just pushed myself. I got to the end of the day and was so relieved. It has been a long time since I have felt so physically drained but I am proud that I managed to get through it and thankful for friends at school who picked me and helped me to keep going. It's times like this that you realise who your friends are. Even if things are made hard fo you or people expect you to not get things right, it's your friends who keep you working. 

Take a break...

Today has been a long day and I left school on a bit of a low. I was observed today which went well and my kids did me proud. I took a risk and decided to do a lesson based on Drama which is not your usual go to topic when being watched but I feel I have enough control on the kids to do it and they were fine. I know there were a few parts which if I were to do again I would tweak but overall fine. You may be wondering why I felt so down? Well it seemed to be a day where I felt a bit wore down by lots of little things which inevitably mounted to a massive feeling of stress.

This lesson made me feel extremely nervous beforehand. I teach everyday and have been observed on many occasions but today just seems to have got to me more than usual. My school at the moment is feeling slightly negative and I think the stresses of everyday routine their is starting to get to me. As much as I love my job I feel like it is starting to make me miserable. The whole aura in the school just feels very off.

I brought work home tonight and by the time I'd been home for 5 minutes and had a catch up with Miss Faux Fur I decided I needed to have a night off. When you feel yourself on a bit of a downward spiral, it is really hard to take a moment and say... I need a break but I did tonight. I've ate my tea at a normal hour, had a nap and I am planning an earlier night than usual. Hopefully this can help pull me back from feeling so miserable and stressed. Teaching- I love it but sometimes it just knows how to kick me when I'm down!

I am going to leave you with a little snippet from one of my little ones today;

"Miss, I feel taller when I stand up on my feet."

Child genius or what?!

'I'm too busy to help..'

RARGH!!!!  

Today I had what may possibly have been a mini breakdown at work. Instead of planning and sorting resources, I was running around trying to get things sorted for a visitor assembly. However, nothing worked. This set my stress bells ringing. So, I tried to stay calm and went to everyone who could've potentially helped and finally got led to office staff. When I asked them (in my most polite manner of course), I was given the response of.."I'm too busy at the moment. You'll have to sort it.."

WHAT!? Why would I go ask for help if I could sort it? 

That isn't funny. All my social sessions taught to my kids helped as I took some deep breaths and walked away with my parting shot (in a very childish tone) "Fine..I'll just sort it out myself." I know I sound a bit childish but seriously, it was a visitor and what kind of impression is that? I then walked to the little planning room where the other teacher I plan with was and 'RARGHED' out loud. She just looked and I could see the look of... I wish I could do that too! So I sat, ate some chocolate and went back to collect the visitor, take her to the hall and apologised profusely for the lack of sound.

If I have learned anything from today it is that chocolate and shouting out loud can pull me back from a childish sulk breakdown.

On a positive note, I got another card AND another cake today! I wonder if the kids are trying to fatten me up like in Hansel and Gretel? Fingers crossed that is not case!

This last part is for anyone to gasp at admire but especially for K at Travel babbles.... needing help choosing a dress? Here's an idea ;) 

That Thursday feeling...

I know you're all sitting thinking... ah that popular saying, 'That Thursday feeling...'. I joke, you're probably wondering what on earth I'm on about. This however, seems to be something which is happening every week. Since going back to work after Christmas, my weeks just seem to go so slow!! Whenever it hits Thursday, it feels like Friday. Why? Why? Why? 

I started getting a bad tension headache about 11 today and it just continued ALL day! All I wanted to do was leave school and head out for a massage!! Unfortunately I think leaving my kids alone in the classroom all day is kinda frowned upon?! So I just put up with it and spent my lunch break rubbing my shoulders and trying to feel better. When the kids left, I sat and marked 120 books!!!!! It was tick, tick, stamp, tick and comment. I felt like I had developed RSI after them all. I then decided I was going to go home... As I was walking out I got hit by the Thursday feeling again!! I had this overwhelming feeling of tiredness and thought it was Friday. Not a happy bunny at all when a split second later I realised "Aw man it's Thursday!"

So with that I trundled home, gorged on chocolate and was very British with my cup of tea. How do I feel now? Tired, worn out, headachey and tight in my neck. I just want to be stretched out completely! It's not helping that I have my injured knee stopping me from doing any exercise so no yoga, dancing or running. That means I feel like this tight knot of stressful energy now. 

Now I just have to work hard, through the tiredness and hope that I can meet my weekly Project: Do Me goal of finishing work before 9 to relax. 

Hope everyone is getting on well with their Project: Do Me list. Follow link below to find out what it is all about.

One day left till the weekend guys...keep going :-)