Therapy - Take Two

Earlier this year I went to my first therapy session. I did not have a positive experience. Having studied Psychology and very nearly pursued a career in it, I had a fair idea of the process and I know how helpful it can be.

However, after two CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) sessions I realised it was not for me. This was partly due to the therapist themselves and also the fact that being told what to do does not suit me at all. I don't like being told what to and CBT really pushes those boundaries. 

So, I left it. Then, when I finally accepted my depression for what it was and after all other tests came back fine I decided it was time to look back into it. Instead of going through the local surgery to find a therapist, I found my own. When I went for my first session I was apprehensive to say the least. After all, the last time had been a difficult time (I managed 4 sessions). As soon as we both sat down and she talked, I knew straight away she was someone I was going to be comfortable with. 

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Not just her, the environment was warm and calming. The candles and essence were inviting and the room felt like a normal home. During the first session I discussed my past year and a half with her which brought her to tears. She discussed how she feels emotions and was trained in Humanistic therapy. If needed we could dip into CBT but that our sessions would be led by whatever comes up. 

I returned the following session, still full of nerves and talked away. We discussed many things and I have to say, as much as I felt comfortable, I avoided and brushed over certain things. Sharing is not my strong point! That's not to say those things won't be brought up at some point, some things just need time. But, I am pretty open with her. 

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I have now been visiting her for about 5 weeks and it is going really well. Being able to talk to an 'outsider' is nice and allows me to feel like I am not a burden to them. The nerves before the session have not gone and each week she challenges me and thought process. But it I am comfortable with her. Uncomfortable with the focus on myself sometimes but comfortable with her. I am not sure if this will be something that I continue for some time or whether I cut sessions less as I begin to feel brighter. But for now, it is definitely helping me in a little way and that's all that matters. 

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The time I went to therapy...

As readers of my blog, you will know that the past year and a half have not been the easiest for me. Due to circumstances in my life, I developed extremely high anxiety. I can't say I have always been the easiest going of people but I managed my moments fine. However, moments became more frequent and much more intense. It led to a time where I was in a constant state of high anxiety. At first I didn't identify this, I thought my health issues and sadness from the loss of my brother were what were making me feel 'off'. Anxiety is something which is always there for me, I have moments when it subsides and I have moments when it paralyses me and I can't do anything. It makes me feel like I can't do things and this then leads to stress, it is a vicious cycle.
I began to wonder if I had depression and even my doctor discussed the need for tablets which I said a definite no to. It was at that time when I began to think about the offer of therapy which she had discussed in previous sessions. I was beginning to realise I had an issue and that if I didn't deal with it I would end up in an even worse place to where I was at that moment in time.

You are what you think...
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So I waited for my appointment and finally got the date. My first appointment I was nervous, as you can imagine. It takes a lot to admit that you have a problem and need help. Asking for help is not something which I like to do, much to my detriment sometimes. My first impression of my therapist was so so. I wasn't sure what to expect but there was something there which I didn't feel comfortable with.

I left feeling relieved that I had made it to a session and felt like it could be of some help. What I didn't like was the number work, I had to rate how I felt in various situations in the past two weeks. Personally, I didn't feel like it was of any help due to the fact I was also dealing with health issues which affected my lifestyle. I also don't like attributing numbers to my feelings, they're feelings and emotions.

During visits after I began to lose trust and faith in the therapist. As I was going through Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, there was a big focus on my thought patterns. This meant that my therapist focused on worries and anxiety issues. But I did not like how I was expected to fill in forms and sheets. I explained I found this difficult and she continued to go over various different forms. She didn't listen to my thoughts and was so incredibly focused on the forms I felt she lost focus on me. I went in to one appointment and explained that I'd had a difficult week, she responded with, "Umm. So, let's have a look at this form.." It was then when I realised the match was not for me. Her focus on papers and numbers just didn't sit well with me.

CBT Chart

I made it through 4 sessions and realised that it wasn't for me. I decided to discharge myself and focus on finding my own therapist. Overall the process of therapy is something which I know will help me deal with my stress and anxiety but I think I need to shop around for the right therapist to help me. After all, part of my anxiety is actually making choices and decisions. I think my stress and anxiety is something which I am going to have to deal with for some time to come but if I can get a handle on it, I feel I will feel much more secure in myself.

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Have you been to therapy or dealt with severe anxiety? What helped you?