Happiness is only real when shared.

Today was a lazy Sunday. I slept in and after being up another hour I needed to have a lie down again. Maybe it was the sedatives I am prescribed to help sleep or maybe I was just tired. Either way, I was in a 'slow' and 'quiet' mood today. As I was lying on the floor (yep, I hadn't even made it back to the sofa from checking my phone), I saw the DVD, 'Into the Wild'. I have had this sitting for the best part of a year, waiting to be watched. Today, I decided, was the day.

I have to admit, I didn't totally know what this film was about. I had a basic idea but other than that I waded in pretty unsure which I liked. I could watch and form my own opinions as the film went on. As I watched the movie and became engrossed in the adventures of the lead, Alex Supertramp (Christopher McCandless) as he worked his way to Alaska. After college, he gave all his savings to charity, packed up a bag and left his family without a word, never to speak to them again.

The film, produced and directed by Sean Penn, documents his travels and the lives he touched along the way. As I watched it I became engrossed in his struggles and in awe of his happiness and wonderment of the things and experiences he saw. It was heart warming and touching.

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He made friends and these people were the same as me - in awe of this young man making a journey to find, what seemed like, happiness. There are pointers to a difficult childhood and destructive parents throughout. I got the feeling he was looking for something, not necessarily trying to love without the constraints of society. Yes, that was a big part due to the family upbringing, but it seemed he wanted something more. At the end he comes to the conclusion of, 'Happiness is only real when shared.'

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The past few months, happiness is something I have somewhat struggled with. When I have had brief moments of happiness I have been shocked and felt guilty and odd for smiling. It is like I have become used to the feeling of depression, it has become my 'normal' mode and kinda comforting. Happiness is important and we can find it in so many places without even looking.

I have spent a lot of time alone recently and I have had moments of happiness. But I have sought to be alone, I preferred that to being in groups. I couldn't stand to make conversation or be in social situations. The thought of having to make myself smile was just too much energy which I didn't have. I began to think that being alone was the best thing for me - you read so many things which say be around others but I disagreed. I much preferred being by myself and not feeling the pressures to 'put on a show' which I had felt the the whole year. It became exhausting.

I was just that, exhausted and began to think being alone was the best thing I could do. As my medications and therapy began to work, I realised this was not true. I realised that having others around me was extremely important. I an share my smiles and the fun things I see. During therapy, we are pursuing the walls which I have built around me and I am trying to understand the reasons behind why I do this. Why I don't let people in. But, through all of this I am realising the importance of others.

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Friendships and families are important. You don't have to spend all day every day with other people, in fact learning to be alone is a skill in itself, but having contact and sharing is important. Finding the happiness and sharing it makes us whole. As the film carries on, the main character finishes his soul searching and when tries to go back to civilisation can not. The time gets harder and it seems to suddenly dawn on him that - Happiness is only real when shared.

Obviously, my opinions on the movie are just that - opinions. But in thoughts to the happiness shared - I truly believe that happiness is only real when shared. Even if you experience the happiness alone (like 'Alex' in the movie), sharing that later with another person makes it real. As I begin to find myself and feel more positive, I am finding the happiness again and wanting to share it with others and not to stay in my own shell. I am not saying I will let anyone into my life, because I won't. But, I will start to let those close to me in once again and share the happiness. Christmas seems like the perfect time to do this.


Also, check out the soundtrack, it is amazing and has many fantastic Eddie Vedder songs:

"You think you have to want more than you nee."

Remember, share the happiness.

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Blog Besties - Cyber Love

Today I have had a last minute switch up of posts due to the amazing blog post from Rebecca over at Forever after Undecided : Cyber Love for Grown-Ups

We have been blog besties for years now and I received a message telling me to check out her blog today (not that I wouldn't of course). I have to admit that I actually teared up reading it. I nodded along with every word and sentiment and ever teared up! Between us we have definitely been through a lot of difficult times and she has been there to help me. Even more so than some of my friends who are where I live. I know I can trust her to understand my 'down days' and help me see the positive in times when I can't see it myself.


Head on over to her blog and show my blog bestie some love today! Perhaps you could share stories of your own blog friendships?

Thank you for the kind words Miss Rebecca!       Today I am linking up with Leeann. Head on over and join in the hop with your own gossip!

Thank you...

Today is Thanksgiving in the States, however that doesn't mean I can't take some time to be thankful over here in the UK. After the year I have had, I feel like there is not too much I can feel thankful. Losing my brother has had a negative impact on my positive nature. However, today I have been thinking how much I actually have to be thankful for in amongst all this mess. 

My family have been amazing, I have seen strength in them and support. It is sometimes hard for me to think that others are feeling the pain I am (which I know is an awful thing to say) but then I see their faces and look into their eyes. It hits me that they are feeling the same as me and that they too are trying to be strong and brave. We have supported one another and helped each other through this tough time.

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I know in the past I have complained about my work and how I feel undervalued. This year I have changed year groups - again - but for the better and have felt so supportive throughout the past couple of months. My phase group have made me smile, counselled me and calmed me. I have tried to throw myself back into work, last week proved extremely hard with this however, with their help I am settling back in again.

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What I have found difficult to understand is the differing actions from my friends. I understand people are all different and have their own reaction to friend's grief but some of my friend's responses have surprised me both good and bad. I have had support from friends far away and those who I have had daily texts from and messages from. On of my good friends came straight to me when I told her which I needed. I don't like people asking me to let them know if I need anything because I feel like I am being demanding or asking them to do something they don't want to do. When in reality, all I want is someone to come and sit with me and talk to me. However, now I have put a guard up and pushed many friends away from me.

In my life I have health, friends and family. What more could I want? That's what we all need around us.  What or who are you giving thanks for?

Real people...

Blogging is something which I love to do. It allows me to write and hopefully entertain/help/engage other people. I write for me first and foremost and then hope others appreciate the words I have put together. I fully appreciate fellow bloggers and the world they create in their little web space.

Throughout my short time, compared to some, in blog world I have found a few great friends. Some I chat to daily, another I have regular contact with regarding our life and happenings, one I swap sweets with and others I follow and read their blogs daily - whether I have time to comment or not I always read. 

The past weekend however, I was lucky to meet a fellow blogger. Mrs OK blogs over at OK in UK and is not too far from my real life destination. She is heading back to USA in the next week and I received a message asking I wanted to meet for a drink before we lost our chance. I, of course, jumped at the chance and I know anyone who has read her blog would do exactly the same!

For me it was more than just a 'meet-up'. Given what is going on in my life at the moment, Miss OK invited me out with some friends to help me feel normal I guess for a night. I have to say, it was just what I needed. It was lovely to be around a new group of people who were all so fun and welcoming. Miss OK were lots of fun even though she was suffering from cold. I hope to stay in contact with the girls near me and of course add Mrs OK to my Christmas list!

What I am trying to say I think, is that us bloggers are real, we exist in our web home but also in the 'real' world. Having the opportunity to form such good friendships is something which non-bloggers are missing out on in my opinion. Having others there to support in person or in message form is keeping me going at the moment. 

"We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere."

Tim McGraw

Quote of the day Monday...

Sports day stress...

This has been such a long week for me. As it is nearing end of term I have lots of things to sort to get the class ready to move up to the next year. This in itself is not too difficult to sort, however, when you are the Sports Co-ordinator (which I am) you have another major stress. This stress is known as: Sports Day.

This is the one day a year where we have the whole school out taking part in sports activities and parents are invited to see. I decided that I wanted to organise a more competitive day this year as last year the co-ordinator had a kind if Olympic type day which was extremely busy. Therefore I have gone for the whole competition edge with the children competing in team games and independent events. Although this sounds easy to organise, when you factor in it is to include near 400 children then things get complicated. Organisation, resources, teams, planning and staffing is all down to me. The stress hit me on Monday when (paired with class reports) I was given the go ahead to start organising after waiting for quite some time. Wednesday I was told to give a staff meeting, that afternoon to all the rest of the staff about sports day. I spent all morning working on that instead of preparing for the following week. After this the week just went downhill. My stress levels went higher and by last night I was exhausted. It hit Thursday evening and I just didn't know how I was going to be able to make it through Friday.

I worked till late then was up 6.30am Friday morning to finish reports (yes, I have 28 reports to do too) and just pushed myself. I got to the end of the day and was so relieved. It has been a long time since I have felt so physically drained but I am proud that I managed to get through it and thankful for friends at school who picked me and helped me to keep going. It's times like this that you realise who your friends are. Even if things are made hard fo you or people expect you to not get things right, it's your friends who keep you working. 

Bye bye Ken...Hello Action Man...

I've decided to have a little blog break today as have lots of ideas but just can't seem to blog them. Why? I don't know but I am lucky, I have Miss Faux Fur here!! She has kindly offered to guest blog (she totally loves it after her first guest blog here).

Over to you Miss Faux Fur....

The other day I was questioning some of those moments that occur during childhood that seem to affect us in later years. You know the ones that turn us into the people we are today...here are a few of mine.

Number 1

"The magic ice cream making machine...how to make friends and influence people"

Miss Faux Fur aged 6 (or should I say Mini Faux Fur):

My family and I had moved back to the UK and it was pretty difficult to adjust to a new way of life. It was difficult to make friends, we had to move into a much smaller house, we had to adjust to freezing cold weather and getting to grips with the school curriculum was tough. I also had a weird accent. The local kids couldn't tell if I had come from Australia or American (neither by the way) and I had no idea what was cool or not in the UK at this point. Actually come to think I'm still trying to figure that out...good job I have Missy to keep me right!! The story I am about to tell you is a wonderful example of how and why (aged 6) I was under a lot of pressure to make new friends:

Mini Faux Fur was out on her bike one day. She was quite happy riding along all by herself as she hadn't met any of the kids in the neighbourhood at this point. She was fairly confident bombing around on her bike... whizzing round corners at great speed...everything was wonderful...CRASH!! Oops!! It so wasn't her fault. A kid ran out in front of her and she accidentally ran him down. Worst thing ever... this kid was like the cutest and most popular kid in the neighbourhood...dumb move Mini Faux Fur!!

Yup, I was the weird girl with the weird accent who couldn't ride a bike. I was not liked by anyone (or at least the four or five kids that were playing out in the street that afternoon but I like to exaggerate). What could I do? I needed to make friends pretty quickly and I had to resolve this before I was shunned by the entire neighbourhood, even the parents. Along came the bright idea...the 'magic ice cream making machine'!!I convinced the kids  that the 'Faux Fur Family' owned a 'magic' ice cream making machine, that produced all sorts of delightful treats! I got to work...I started spreading rumors that this fabulous machine was kept in the pantry and that the kids could taste the ice cream just not see the machine. Eventually, or should I say within 5 minutes, word got out, kids loved me and I had my own 'mini faux friends.' 

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Moral- Tell people you can get free ice-cream and they will love you.

Number 2

"Barbie, Ken and Action Man...why women are never happy!!"

My Barbie was very happy with Ken. They owned a large house, had a swimming pool and convertible (ok it was made from the lid of my 'Guess Who' game but worked just as well). They also had two lovely kids and possibly a dog  'my little pony' that I pretended was a dog (Make believe is great). As far as love goes this is where it all fell apart...

One Christmas, presents seemed to get muddled up and Mini Faux Fur ended up with her cousin's Action Man. For some reason she didn't let on...hey Action Man was a pretty cool gift and for a long time became her 'new favourite'. So anyway, Barbie started to spend a lot more time with this 'Action Man'. He was very manly and wasn't scared to climb up things and hurl himself out of bedroom windows. Barbie liked this. As for Ken, well he didn't stand a chance!! He developed a drinking problem, the children were taken away and I have no idea what happened to 'my little pony dog'. So why ARE women never happy...no matter how perfect, or how well Ken treats us? We'll always be attracted to Action Man.

Moral- Woman always say they like Ken but they always want Action Man.

Number 3

"Learning to drive with a biscuit tin lid and a wooden spoon...and why I'm too scared to get my licence!!" 

As any normal child I was very excited about the idea of driving a car, van, lorry, giant tractor ...which is quite bizarre considering I still don't have my licence. Perhaps it's the fact that when I was a kid my uncle used to teach me to drive using a biscuit tin lid and a wooden spoon.

Every weekend without fail Mini Faux Fur's uncle would come over to visit and being the annoying child that she was she would always demand his attention. For some reason he thought that giving Mini Faux Fur (aged 8) driving lessons would suffice. And like any good child she'd sit there all excited to be spending time with her favourite uncle and a biscuit tin lid. She would pretend he was the driving instructor while she would drive all about town. Mini Faux Fur would be sitting there for ages, 'check your mirrors!', uncle would shout, and after a while she got so bored of holding the wooden spoon (aka the gear stick) she would ditch it behind the settee. 

I am so concerned that my completely boring childhood driving experience has totally put me off. I'm worried that when I actually go for a real lesson I will freak out, try to dismantle the gear stick and chuck it out the window. Can you imagine the shame?Maybe I should go for an automatic!!

 Moral- Drive an automatic.

What about you? Any childhood experiences that have crept into your adulthood? I'm sure there are some great ones!!!