I'm still here...

So this is awkward, Ive had such a break I almost don't know how to blog anymore. I didn't make a conscious decision to step away from my blog, it just sorta happened. I was beginning to feel better and that was great, but I was still suffering from extreme fatigue and the blogging was the part which had to go.

Having been on a new set of anti-depressants since February, I can finally say I am beginning to see a massive improvement in myself and others are no noticing too. I would say within the past 5 weeks I have felt more stable and in the last 2 I have seen a improvement in my energy and mood. I can't explain how good this makes me feel, I've been on anti-depressants since September and I have suffered with clinical depression since last January without even accepting it. As well as anxiety and stress.

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Now that I am starting to feel part of life again, I can see (finally) how far I have come and the strength which I have shown. Feeling like I was making progress was something I could not do, but now I have the big step I can see it. I feel like I am in life now and not just watching it pass me by. I can't say I will be back to blogging with the frequency I once was. But I will be blogging when I feel like I can. 

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Part of getting myself better is not placing expectations on myself and then feeling disappointed when I can not meet them. As much as I love blogging, I have to apply it to this as well. All parts of my life, whether it's work, fun times, shopping etc. I have to  set boundaries. Small steps at a time.

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I hope everyone in the land of blogging is well and I look forward to getting back into things!

If you haven't already, check out my other links and follow along with me.

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'It'd be nice if you could pull me into town...'

This week has been (dare I say it) a relatively good week for me. After my temper tantrum Saturday and a relaxed Sunday I have been trying to focus on my calmness and the acceptance that each day may not be easy. I felt a lot of anxiety on Monday and sat writing down my 'anxieties' while I had breakfast which worked well - it was as if that helped me to 'let go'. Maybe now is the time I am ready to begin thinking more toward CBT? It's too early to say, all I can say is that I have had a number of happy moments this week and I have had drive.

I came across a few things on Pinterest which I have looked at in mornings to cheer me and which make me laugh. Now it has been years since I have watched Napoleon Dynamite but I cam across some movie stills and quotes which have just cheered me up no end today so I wanted to share them with you all and put a smile on your face!

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What has made you smile this week?

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Time to be happy

I hope this is the beginning of my up phase, I think it's time I deserve to be happy again.

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I did not want to carry it with me anymore - finding a calmness.

My latest weekend was much improved to the previous. I had more drive and actually did things other than just sleep. However, I had anger, lots of anger. I was angry at my predicament, angry that I am not getting better fast enough and angry that some days I feel so far from 'myself' that I am not sure I will ever find 'her' again.

Sunday morning was another early phone call with Miss Australia. We discussed how we were getting along, now we were coping and what things were positive and good in our lives. Slowing down was quite a big part of the conversation. I know myself that I buzz about, doing anything and everything to keep busy when at work - or at least I used to. Now, I find myself lethargic all the time and craving so much sleep that it is beyond normal. But I still try and push myself, I still try to run around like a crazy woman who squeezes 48 hours into 24.

I have begun to realise that I can not do that right now. It is not fair to try and push my body to do that when it is screaming at me to SLOW DOWN. So I have decided to try and listen. Slowing down is not going to do harm after all. I decided that I need to let go of what I 'expect' and 'want' to be able to do, but listen to what I am able to do. Some things I need to let go. 

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Not just in my work life, but also in my personal life. There are things I don't want or even need. Clinging and fighting are just ways to make myself more tired and cause the ongoing battle with my depression even worse. Looking after myself should be my number one priority. As the week has gone past, I have felt somewhat lighter and I wouldn't exactly say happy, but a little calmer. Understanding what I can deal with, what I can't deal with and what I shouldn't have to deal with has settled me a little. 

This settled feeling is nice. It has been some time since I have felt remotely settled. The happiness can take its time, it will be there again soon (I hope) or at least some minor form. But for this week, I am happy with 'settled'. This could change in a flash, after all the way I feel is purely dictated from the moment I open my eyes of a morning. There is no control, just how I wake up sets the tone for the day.

But maybe if I can hold on to some of this calmness and realisation of my own limitations and boundaries I can start to find moments of happiness to start building a new 'me'. A less fragile 'me'. I can only try. 

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How do you find your 'calmness' in the middle of a storm?

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I almost had an 'I need a guy moment'.

I'm so pleased it's the weekend. Its been a long, long week! By the end I feel like I have accomplished quite a lot at work but the start is something I would like to forget. I was planning to visit my friend tonight but I just didn't have the energy. I felt like I was falling asleep on the way back home from work, let alone driving home later tonight. So a night in (as usual) is on the cards.

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I like having my nights in on my own. I have learnt to enjoy my own company as of lately. Going through what I am going through, I have had no option but to spend time alone. I am working to accept myself and acknowledge my small steps. I don't have to work on enjoying being alone, that is quite ok to me. I have always enjoyed time alone. I don't find it difficult. 

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Lately I have been feeling a little lonely some days. Like I want a relationship and I want to have the comfort of someone else even just to watch trashy tv shows with and snuggle on the sofa. I feel like this is a good sign. I am beginning to feel the urge to actually want to socialise. It can go as quick as it comes though and is replaced with crippling anxiety. Other times, I just wonder if I could actually trust a guy in my life right now. I haven't had that much luck in the past to prove otherwise. 

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Are you happy to see the end of this week?

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