Happy New Year!
This New Year has been somewhat bittersweet for me. I am grateful for my family and friends around me and I spent New Year being happy which is not something I thought was going to be possible. At the turn of midnight I thought of my brother and how much I missed him but how happy he would be to see me smiling.
When a new year begins, you inevitably look back on what has passed and looking back over 2012 has not been the easiest. It is hard to reflect back on a year where you had such little control of big situations. What I can say, hand on heart, is that I have developed a strength which I didn't think I had. I can think of a particular moment when I thought that that was that. It was a moment where I sat and thought, this is it - I can't carry on anymore. I genuinely wondered if, at the moment, I was having an actual breakdown.
Given the weight on my shoulders it would not have surprised me one bit. Between grief, sadness, work and my own issues there was not much else I could take. I pulled myself together, got one with things and carried on my life. As I previously mentioned, I found a strength I did not know I had. Life can be so generous in some moments but in others it deals a cruel hand. I have been on the receiving end of this but now I have to look forward. I can not let the past ruin me and make me feel so inconsolable.
How long it will take me to move past this feeling I don't know. What I can say is that today I woke up feeling positive and that things can and will get better. I may not have control of everything but I can take control of my mind again. 2013 is not going to be easy, there will be more firsts without my beloved brother but there will also be new firsts for me as a growing woman trying to my way in this world.
To start my new year I have completed my 2012 inventory. If you're new to my blog, this is what started this little piece of the internet which is all mine. I am not one for setting resolutions but I feel reflection is important to help me grow and continue with the successful parts of my life and find ways to improve areas which don't quite work. So, with that is mind, here are my reflections from the year:
My 2012 Inventory
In 2012, I gained a strength I never knew I was capable of.
I lost one of my big brother's to cancer.
I stopped believing in things being ok.
I started to have faith in myself.
I was hugely satisfied by staying strong when all I wanted to do was fall apart.
And frustrated by life and how it can change so quickly.
I am so embarrassed that I still can not be stringer when it comes to a certain person in my life.
Once again, I let work take over my life on far too many occasions.
Once again, I accepted behaviour which I should not.
The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is my eyes and weight. My eyes still hold a certain sadness from the events of the year. I want my smile to reach them again. I've also lost weight through stress.
The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is that I am at a low point in my mind and life. I need to find some happiness in the new year and begin to pull myself out of my black hole.
I loved my big brother unconditionally, my family and friends.
Why did I spend even two minutes thinking I was making the wrong decision to travel solo?
I should have spent more time sleeping...again.
I regret nothing.
I will never regret spending lots of time with my amazing brother.
I worry about the small things way too much.
I didn’t spend enough time looking after my body and mind.
Stress nearly drove me crazy.
The most relaxing place I went was South Molle Island - The Whitsunday Islands in Australia.
Why did I not say I love you to my brother the last day I spoke to him properly...you never know how quick life will go.
The best thing I did for someone else was be there and support them with love through their hard times and give comfort through their suffering.
The best thing I did for myself was spend the summer in Australia.
The best thing someone did for me was was to be there and support me through some extremely tough moments and worked to make me smile again.
The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, is to continue to be honest and open with as many people as I can and live the life I want to live.
(Fill-in-the-blank template from Mary Schmich at The Chicago Tribune)
 |
| *My words from the year... |
2 comments:
That inventory is an amazing idea ... which I may just have to steal :) I think 2012 was a very trying year for you, but I believe that we are never dealt a fate we can't handle. While you struggled and went through hell and back, you also came out of it a stronger person, knowing a lot more about yourself and the situations you can endure. I hope that nothing but good things will come your way this year! You deserve the best and a good and blessed new year after all you have been through! xxx
@ By all means use it :-)
I like to think someone knows what theyre doing and that I can handle it. I think I am stronger but it may take a while to revela its full extent. We BOTH deserve a good year!!
x x
Post a Comment