Who do you wish you were?

I was in touch with Miss Australia last weekend. I met her while travelling America and I also visited her out in Australia where we travelled and had a fabulous time together. As of late, we have both been suffering from issues and she has been moving about Australia. We finally managed to speak to one another on the phone since Christmas.

Miss Australia is one of the most positive people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and I am so honoured to call her not just my friend, my best friend. Miss Australia helped me start to discover a more spiritual and positive side to my personality. 

When I spoke to her she said, " You still sound exactly like the same Missy I know. Happy and positive. You taught me how to indulge myself and look after myself, that's something I won't ever forget." 

I was shocked to hear this because all I felt like saying was, " Noo!! It's not me, I'm not me anymore. I am an impostor and not happy." But I held back. Later I thought about it and realised that often, when people compliment me these days, I am so quick to shut it down. They are seeing me as I am and maybe they (and my therapist) are right. I am still here. I am making progress.

[Source]

My acceptance and understanding is so foggy right now that I can't see the person I want to be. Perhaps I am trying to be someone else so badly that I have lost control of my identity which other people still see. It's quite an interesting thought, and one which I will be bringing up with my therapist this weekend. What if I am just too far removed from myself now that I can't find myself when I am right here?

Do you think you get so down on yourself that others see something in you that you don't?

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Never throw anyone out.

I just wanted to share a quote with you all today. I haven't been the easiest to be around lately and I am thankful for those friends who have not thrown me out. I have a number of friends but feel that I can count 3 that have helped and supported me. Others have distanced themselves and readily accepted the distance which I have created. 

Feel happy with your friends and accept those who stick around during the rough times.

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When you need a pick me up...

When you're having a down day, how do you pick yourself up? My down days are becoming less but when they come I still struggle with them. I now accept them and just go along with the day but I have developed a variety of things to make me feel better and pick me up a little. 

1: TV Time
I get myself wrapped up on the sofa, with a chamomile tea and find something to watch. Since having time on my hands lately, I have watched a number of different series - Son's of Anarchy, The Walking Dead, Life Unexpected and Breaking Bad. I have loved them all, I like becoming immersed in the show and it keeps my mind focused. I picked a pretty good set of shows to watch didn't I?

Who wouldn't want to watch this man? [Source]

2: Seeing friends
Having not been up to going out as much as usual, I have a couple close friends who have been my rocks during this time. Whether it's a pizza night, day trip to feed reindeers or just being on the other side of the phone for silly texts. Being able to be honest with people is not easy for me but these people are those I can be truthfully honest with, I can be myself with and don't mind being with me when I'm having a 'down day'. They're pretty special and can pick me up. 

I am lucky to have friends to be crazy with GG style! [Source]

3: Treats
It seems a little superficial but a treat perks me up no doubt. Whether it be chocolaty treats, a new canvas or DVD set. It brightens my day, and puts a little smile on my face. Especially if it's a chocolate treat. Chocolate is the way to my heart more times than not!

I want ALL the candy! [Source]

4: Quiet time
When I am not feeling at my best, I like to turn off all sound and just lay in quiet. Sometimes I nap, but most often I just lie and take a time out. Just having quietness is nice. It let's me sort my thoughts. 

Who am I kidding? I mostly sleep...

5: Working Out
I am back to pole classes after a shoulder injury and I am enjoying it. While I'm working, I focus so much on the moves that my mind is clear. Not only do I get to tone up but I get to feel like I have achieved something when I get my new moves. The classes make me feel good about myself. 

Look at me go!

As it has been difficult to actually find the happiness lately, I have had to focus on the small things and enjoy them. 

What little things have been making you feel better lately?

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What is wrong with people?

I had my first therapy session of the New Year today and it was a difficult one. Lately, my medication has not seemed to be doing much for me and over Christmas I found myself sliding backwards again. This is disappointing to say the least, I felt like I was starting to improve and get back to myself. But no, I have slipped back into the clutches of depression and with going back to work I have felt rather 'off' lately.

 Work has been a difficult adjustment. After being away for so many weeks, I am having to get used to the school routine, the work itself, the morning and the social side of things. I am back 3 full days for the next few weeks and then it will be reviewed. 

One thing I have noticed, and not just exclusively to work, is that people are acting differently towards me. In school, those closest to me (in my year group phase) have been very distant. I have had my phase leader not even have a conversation with me at all since I returned just before Christmas. My teaching assistants have conversations with me when they support in class and that is all. Others around the school say hi and that's all.  I have a couple of close friends there which keep me going but I just can't believe the way people behave. 

I understand it is difficult to react when someone has been away for so long, especially when it is not common knowledge as to why I have been off. But surely a, "How you doing back? Are you settling in?" is not too much to ask. I find it alienating and making a difficult time even more difficult. One said to me, "You know, there's so much gone on while you're been off." Basically it felt like he was saying, you weren't here and you're not part of this. I know there have been words about me behind my back due to what I have seen or for example, the phone call I got yesterday regarding my hours next week. So and so said this to so and so who spoke to the office who spoke to ... blah blah blah. It was not true and I had not said it. Gossip. 

I understand that with my problems I am more concerned about the views of others and I am more sensitive to comments but I don't really know any other way to feel, other than upset, to people not talking to me like they used to. I discussed this with my therapist and asked:

"What is wrong with people?"

Do they think I've just been swanning about, shopping and going for coffee while they all worked hard? Are they worried that I will get upset? Whatever the reasoning, surely a hi, hows it going being back is not hard to do.

It's not just work colleagues. A close person in my life has suddenly drifted away. He actually knows what has been wrong and now I feel like he has just abandoned me. I have dealt with it by just not forcing contact. This time is when I need to be looking after me. I can still help others but if it will be detrimental to me, I need to back away. I am nowhere near being myself. I have feel back into quite a hopeless feeling again with no positivity at all. I have no energy trying to make other people feel better talking to me or forcing friendships. 

At the end of the day, that is their problem. I don't feel like everyone should be my nest friend, but just some respect would be nice. At this moment, being in work makes me miserable. Not a oh I don't like my job, and miserable, anxious, hopeless person.There are changes to be made but until I work on getting myself feeling more hopeful, these are nit changes that I can do.

I just wish those around me would respect and actually realise that their actions or lack of can upset someone and make them feel like they don't belong.

Have you ever been in a position when you just think, "What is wrong with people?" How did you deal?

All images from : Pinterest



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From the Vaults : Where the lines overlap.

While I work on getting my blogging (and life) mojo back, I thought I would take a trip down memory lane and share some of my favourite past blog posts with you all. Hopefully this will give me a kick up the rear end and remind me why I love blogging.

Today's post is one which I shared the friendship with a fellow blogger. My friendship with Rebecca at 'Forever after Undecided' (where she now blogs), is still going well and I have made more since then. This is definitly a perk of blogging - it's a special community.

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25.10.2011 : Where the lines overlap

When I started blogging I was unaware of all the friendships I would make. I have made a few very good friends who I can actually share a little bit of my 'real life me' with too. This past week I have become 'real life' friends with Rebecca who blogs over at A day in the life of a German girl.

She is a fabulous blogger and we seemed to have an instant connection in the blog world. We saw little bits of ourselves in each others posts, assured each other that 'No, you're not the only one to think that,' and lately we've began to chat in real life. Now it seems strange to use this term 'real life' because well, my blog IS real life and everything on here is true and is me. I suppose, as my titles suggest, the lines over lap somewhat. Now I see her in a blogger world and also in real time world.

In blogging we can edit and refine our words. As honest as posts are they can be censored, written in witty ways and polished. Myself and Rebecca have been able to talk and actually get each other and realise that there was a reason why we were drawn to each others blogs. We are similar, we do have the same insecurities and issues. Through talking we have bonded and I truly know that in her I have found a good friend.

I know people complain about the likes of Facebook and technology for making people more distant but in fact it's helped us to be able to form a new friendship regardless of where we actually are in the world. So it isn't all that bad now is it? 

So i just want to say that I am pleased that some of my lines have overlapped because through this I have made not just friends with Rebecca but another couple of blogger friends (Yes yes- that's you El Grande :-) and Lindsey!). 

So if you're a new blogger and you're reading this... enjoy because you are going to make some fabulous friends!

Have you made any good blog friends since entering the world of blogging?
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Friendship - Pinterest Edition

Over the past few months, I have needed my friends much more than I thought. When going through tough times, it is amazing just how valuable you're friends become without even knowing it. It is also a time when true friends really show their colours. So today I wanted to share some thoughts on friendships and give a big thank you to those who have been that for me - a friend and not passed judgement.

All images are from my Pinterest - follow the link to find more.

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Blog date...

I have now been blogging for over two years and still going strong. I have previously spoke about how I have made some very good friends and finally made the big step with my bestie at Forever after Undecided.

Rebecca is the type of friend every girl needs. In the past couple of years our friendship has devleoped into something more than just 'friends' we're 'best friends'. I know, adding best on to it sounds very childish but it's the best way to describe us. Last year she was there whenever I needed and sometimes when I didn't even realise I needed her. We share happiness in our lives and support each other through the bad. Here's the thing - she's in LA and I am in the UK.

We began our friendship leaving messages on each other's blogs. Then we progressed to Facebook. The next step, what's app. We would be in contact every day to the point where to not hear from one another at some point is just weird. Lately we made the next step of Skype. Don't you just love Skype? It gives us all a way to stay in contact with those we can't be around in real life. For me and Rebecca it allowed us to not only speak but also backed up the fact that we had actually found a special friendship through blogging.

If I gain nothing else, I have found a friend for life. Someone who can check me, help me and can share the same craziness. Next step, hopefully an LA rehab this Summer! Who knows?

Don't we know it? [Source]

If you want to check out her awsomeness then click below and show some blog love!

My blog...

I was discussing blogging with Miss Rebecca [Forever after Undecided] and topic of conversation turned to who reads our blog. I have always blogged anonymously and began to wonder why I do that. I love to blog and it helps me in so many ways but if that's the case, why do I keep this part of my life so hidden from people?

Job
In the career which I am in I have always aimed for and made sure to stay as professional as much as possible. Anything which I choose to share in public is exactly that - things I choose to share. As a teacher, I must make sure at all times to keep a professional attitude. This is not to say I am not myself, because I more 'me' than most other teachers I know which I think is one of the reason I am a favourite teacher. But in the same breath, certain aspects of my personal life are things which should stay personal. My boy dramas, health and views on life are all mine but I don't want them to be so accessible for all to see. 

The kiddies don't need to know about 'real me' ... [Source]

Honesty
It may come as a surprise to you who read my blog and have done so for the past couple of years that I actually find it very difficult to be open and honest with others face to face. I do not like to show sadness and feel like it weakens me. But here I can say my feelings and thoughts without someone scrutinising my face to see the flecks of fear or sadness or worry showing themselves. I admit this is a bit of an issue but its always been something which I have faced. Sharing my inner thoughts and feelings can be such an anxious process for me and something which I tend to shy away from wherever possible. It's reasons like this which has caused me to put up such walls. Again, I choose  what to tell people and as chatty as I am, if people care to look deep enough they will see I don't give much away at all. 

Friendship
Blogging has opened me up to a whole new world of friendships. Some people I have met through blogging are people I know read and share my life with me and a special blogger has turned into a forever friendship. I am not sure how much this would have been the case had I focused on my already friends. 

One day I may share but for the time being I like being able to have a special safe place where I know I can share my life and feelings and not have to worry about being judged. If there's one thing which I have learnt in my time of blogging it is that everyone is ready to support.

Ain't that the truth... [Source]

Who do you share your blog with?


Just a quick reminder to head over to yesterday's post for a 10% Kohl's discount code:

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Quote of the Day...

New year and the the quotes are back. It's one of my favourite posts as I am a huge quote fan. I always find there is a quote to help me find hope, strength or encouragement for what I am experiencing in my life at that time. As it's a new year, I know many people have evaluated their life and also friendships. Friendships are the hardest as there are many emotions linked to relationships. I myself need to make a couple changes in my friendship circle. I feel there are people who, after communication, make me feel rather undervalued and useless. These people may not know the the effect they have on me but the truth is they affect me negatively. Surely those people would not be in my life? If someone causes me to look at myself and criticise myself and have that self criticism make me feel so badly about myself, surely they don't deserve my time or tears?

My quote today is about letting that go. When growing up we are always encouraged to treat others as we would like to be treated and take care of friends. What if they don't reciprocate? Let them go. I have been rediscovering my love of Rilo Kiley and stumbled across their song Paint's Peeling. The specific line I have chosen rings true for me and I hope it makes some of you stronger in regards to 'toxic friendships'.

Start the new year as you mean to go on and remember to take care of your own heart.

If you would like to listen to the whole track, check it out below:

A quote a day...

Quote of the day Monday

Today I was inspired by my perfect weekend. I spent the weekend away with Miss Twin, Miss GG and Miss Mam-to-be. We haven't all spent time away like that for a long, long time and it made us all realise that we need to do it more often regardless of locations. We talked, laughed, shared and basically just reverted back to being the best friends we were when we we're younger. One of my favourite moments was baby kicking for me when myself and Miss Mam-to-be were having a well overdue catch up. It was as if Baby was saying, "Everything is ok Missy....you're doing fine." Both me and Miss Mam-to-be were touched by the moment.

People change and adapt depending on circumstances and life events but friendships stay the same regardless of the people in them. This quote is a one which I shared with Miss Faux Fur not too long ago but really applies itself to any good friendship. I was unable to find the author but I think it's something we can all say about our best firends who love us unconditionally.

Change of plan...

Well, I made it to the end of another week without taking a day off for my knee! I fell rather proud of myself- just so you all know ;-)

Today is Fab Friends day on For The Love of Blogs and I straight away thought to how my Friday night is going to be spent. It will be with friends but for very different reasons. I'm seeing an old school friend- Miss Purple, for a catch up tonight. After that I have slightly changed my plans a bit. I had planned to come home and just you know, crash out. Don't judge me! I know it's a Friday night, Party night...whatever you want to call it but all I want to do is watch chatshow tv with chocolate and sleep. I'm 25 now...I'm getting old!?!

However, I like to help people and make them happy. Possibly why I went into teaching maybe? Anyway, since arriving back from my travels Miss Faux Fur has been going through some pretty bad times. I am trying so hard to help her and talk to her. The thing is though and I feel awful for saying this, but it's just so difficult as it brings a lot of memories back to me which I thought I'd managed to forget about pretend they aren't there. Every time we've talked I am so happy that I've made her smile and hopefully see things clearer but on the other hand I just have this great sense of blah. 

I really feel like a truly awful friend... She's going through so much and all I can think of is me?! I know she has no idea and I almost don't want her to as I'm the only one she can talk to and if she thinks it's upsetting me she will just stew away in her own thoughts. Today she text asking if I was free as she needed a chat and obviously, as you know, I changed my plans to go and see her and help her. I suppose I should be honest with her in as much as she is with me. I think that she would be upset to think I'd kept this to myself. 

I thought I'd share a quote for the day:

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." -- Bernard Meltzer.

Anyway - If you're here via the blog hop I want to share some of my favourite Blog friends for you to check out. See...I'm very helpful :-)

My Lucha Libre Life- So funny and all about his 'secret life' in Mexico! Enjoy!

Travel Babbles- Life, randomness and currently VLOG world for Lent! Good luck!

A Day in the life of a Hockey Wife- Ups, downs, packing and everything else that comes with the hockey world! 

 Tales of a Hockey Wife- Not just hockey based. She is fantastic and talks about life like it is (through the medium of hockey masked pictures :-) )!

A day in the life of a German Girl- Great writer, funny and definitly a great blogger friend! We're pretty much on the same page about everything!

Hope you enjoy them as much as me!