"I feel continually shhh'ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy" - Being vulnerable.

What can I say? I am emotional and sensitive right now. I am finding myself starting sentences with, "I feel like..." or "I'm not happy today."  I have begun to censor my feelings though, I feel guilty for being so negative. Responses I get are, "Just keep positive." Well, if you've ever suffered from depression, you will know this is one of the hardest things to hear. 

I don't choose to be negative. I want to be happy but there is something in my mind that just says you can't be. I spent a whole year pretending to be happy and that was just as exhausting and hard. When I try and be honest, I see the look in people's eyes and I can tell they are uncomfortable and don't know what to say, hence the positive line.

Since returning to work, I have felt isolated and I can see that people just don't want to speak to me. Most people don't know why I was off for 10 weeks but hey know I was unwell. Most people just say hi and then those staff who I were close to, just haven't barely spoken to me. It's like they expect me to just crumble and cry. Maybe the fact that in my part of the school I am the only female affects things. It feels like any emotion or feelings talk can not be handled do I am just left alone.

So wise Zooey [Pinterest]

Why, as woman are we expected to always cry or get upset? Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me and tell me it's gonna be ok and we'll get through things together. Instead it is, "You'll be fine. Just be happy."  No - I don't accept that! Talk and discuss and allow me to share my feelings instead of pushing them down. 

It's a difficult way to be, drowning in your own feelings yet having to keep them all in. Today I was told I looked brighter and better than last week. Yet no one asked me if I was ok last week and I clearly looked like crap. Thanks to some good make-up I have clearly managed to put a mask up, like I did all last year, and conform to the keep quiet and only share happy, happy thoughts.

Do you ever feel like unless you're happy, that you are expected to just 'shut up and put up'?

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My blog...

I was discussing blogging with Miss Rebecca [Forever after Undecided] and topic of conversation turned to who reads our blog. I have always blogged anonymously and began to wonder why I do that. I love to blog and it helps me in so many ways but if that's the case, why do I keep this part of my life so hidden from people?

Job
In the career which I am in I have always aimed for and made sure to stay as professional as much as possible. Anything which I choose to share in public is exactly that - things I choose to share. As a teacher, I must make sure at all times to keep a professional attitude. This is not to say I am not myself, because I more 'me' than most other teachers I know which I think is one of the reason I am a favourite teacher. But in the same breath, certain aspects of my personal life are things which should stay personal. My boy dramas, health and views on life are all mine but I don't want them to be so accessible for all to see. 

The kiddies don't need to know about 'real me' ... [Source]

Honesty
It may come as a surprise to you who read my blog and have done so for the past couple of years that I actually find it very difficult to be open and honest with others face to face. I do not like to show sadness and feel like it weakens me. But here I can say my feelings and thoughts without someone scrutinising my face to see the flecks of fear or sadness or worry showing themselves. I admit this is a bit of an issue but its always been something which I have faced. Sharing my inner thoughts and feelings can be such an anxious process for me and something which I tend to shy away from wherever possible. It's reasons like this which has caused me to put up such walls. Again, I choose  what to tell people and as chatty as I am, if people care to look deep enough they will see I don't give much away at all. 

Friendship
Blogging has opened me up to a whole new world of friendships. Some people I have met through blogging are people I know read and share my life with me and a special blogger has turned into a forever friendship. I am not sure how much this would have been the case had I focused on my already friends. 

One day I may share but for the time being I like being able to have a special safe place where I know I can share my life and feelings and not have to worry about being judged. If there's one thing which I have learnt in my time of blogging it is that everyone is ready to support.

Ain't that the truth... [Source]

Who do you share your blog with?


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A rut...

“Very often we are our own worst enemy as we foolishly build stumbling blocks on the path that leads to success and happiness.”

 Louis Binstock

You know when you have that feeling, that feeling like you are on top of your feelings, work load, your thoughts and life in general. Then BAM, all of sudden it hits you that you're not. Well that's me. I became such a stronger person over the last couple of months, and I still feel like I am but I am now having to fight so many things to stay this way and that in itself is so difficult.

In a lot of ways the above quote describes me. I manage to make things harder for myself in many ways. Be it the amount of work I take on, my crazy ideas, my allowance of my thoughts to drive me crazy and unwittingly allowing the past to have some effect on the way I behave in the now.

At the moment, I am  trying to get past some kind of flu like illness which is unknown. It's just hanging around and making me feel oh so tired and I think that contributes to my fragile feeling nature at the moment. It's so hard to be a strong person when you feel weak in body. 

How do you keep your head up and keep moving forward when all you want to do is keep still and silent? You just have to, you gotta keep going and sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to do this. Each person has their own weakness and when that kicks in, things are difficult, and you feel all the better when you hit that grounded state of mind again.

It may seem like this post is some kind of pity post but it's just some kind of mental babbling on screen based on my feeling of out of synchness. Who doesn't have one of these moments once in a while? I'm gonna keep going, finding the happiness and work out the rut (and get better).

I was having a browse through pintrest and came across something which made me sigh and I realised that at this moment in time it was all I wanted. Just one of those days when even surrounded by people, you can feel so alone and that feeling of being needed is enough to put a smile on your face.

{Source}

How do you get out of ruts be them big or small?