Never throw anyone out.

I just wanted to share a quote with you all today. I haven't been the easiest to be around lately and I am thankful for those friends who have not thrown me out. I have a number of friends but feel that I can count 3 that have helped and supported me. Others have distanced themselves and readily accepted the distance which I have created. 

Feel happy with your friends and accept those who stick around during the rough times.

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Experiencing 'the mean reds' - Audrey Hepburn style

Today is good day, today is the first day in about a week in which I have felt more like 'myself'. I am going to be honest and say that I am not finding this moment of my life the easiest. I am trying to find myself and deal with my 'issues'. 'Issues' is the only word which I can use to put all my problems into one place.

Last week I began to feel down again, down and tired. The off days were happening. I felt them beginning on Tuesday, I woke up feeling bad. I cried while getting ready but got dressed, put on my face and went to work. I am beginning to become easier on myself and I just deal with days as they happen. But I knew this was a step back and I was afraid and unhappy. 

I do, I really do [Source]

Wednesday saw my anxiety begin to increase and I could not pin point why this was. It just was. But once again, I kept going. Sometimes that is the only thing to do: go.

A scene from one of my favourite films explains it so well:

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?

Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

The blues are exactly that, blues. The reds are what I feel depression is. The reds are worse than the blues, they are a place which is difficult to get past. That was how I felt and that was how my week was going. I don't want to sound negative but there was nothing I could do but just ride it out.

Cake... yes please [Source]

Now I am back working, I can't just stay in bed. I have to keep my life going, as difficult as it can be. I would usually indulge but to be honest my appetite had pretty much gone and I was having breakfast and a bag of crisps and that was all. By the time it hit Friday, Valentine's Day, my very best friend came to visit and cheer me up. We ate pizzas and chocolate and watched The Office. When she left, I felt a bit better but was pleased to get to bed.

I had a sigh of relief when I knew it was the weekend. My mood had dropped, my concentration gone and I was ready to sleep. So after a lie in Saturday, I spent the afternoon watching hockey but the reds were still there. I gave in Saturday at 7pm and went to bed. I slept and took a sleeping pill to keep me asleep,  I hoped to sleep it off. 

If only I looked so glamourous [Source]

Sunday I felt it lifting and spent more time just quietly and visited my parents. Today I woke up, after a lie in and I felt more ready. I still feel a little blue but the reds had vanished. My fear had gone and I had a renewed sense to get working. I created my to do list and went with it. I feel like I have achieved something and went with the small steps.

Experiencing 'the reds' are not easy and it is something I have to get used to and not work against. I know it is difficult for others to understand and I also worry about how people feel being around me but it's me. I know I have a couple close friends who will support me no matter what. However, I feel like it will be difficult for a partner to deal with this and I do wonder if a guy will actually want to be with me when I have times like this. I suppose it's nothing which I can control, I can only control my own life. I am working through this and it is all still so new to me, I guess I'm doing alright. 

Have you ever experienced 'the reds'? How did you get through them?

_____________________________

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Love - don't be a chicken.

[Source]

I do this thing, this thing where whenever I start to feel close I push away. It's not big and it's not clever. It certainly does not help my love life! I am not one to use the love word towards people easily. I find it difficult, not only to say it but to open up to people. Currently, I am in a complicated situation with Mr Canada and we're both playing chicken, wondering who will crack first. We are so similar it's painful sometimes. But I am starting to wonder if it's even worth it? I know you have to stick your chin out and accept it but where does that courage come from? Who helps you with it? It seems my life has been so unstable lately that this connection with him has deepened but we're both scared of it. We're happy but seem so determined to play it down. 

When you just want to be honest, how can you give yourself that extra push?

I was offered a job...

I was asked to stay at the school I'm at today. I've been there for 4 years come end of school year. It is a school where people don't leave they just have babies so every year they move things around to get me into a class full time and this year a few people have left and they asked me to stay. I had the mindset of, "If the headteacher wants me to stay she'll make sure I do." I was right- earlier in the week she said she would know if there was a place for me next year (it was still up in the air as budgets are being cut in schools but that's another story). I said that would be good and that I was still applying for  jobs just in case.When I told her this, her face dropped and she responded with, "But you do want to stay next year don't you? You will stay if I offer you a job because there will be something..." I then let her know that a maternity cover is not what I would accept and she started talking about permanent. Then today she asked me to stay for permanent.

Not only that but a few members of staff have requested to work with me. She is even touting putting me in a Year 6 SAT class where I would take the special needs while the deputy and other Y6 would take high and middle to get them improved for SAT's. Then after Literacy and Numeracy I'd have my own class. So it has been nice to feel wanted. Where I go I don't care, it's just nice to know I'm staying again. Plus, I have asked her to help get my professional development tailored to support application to International Schools next year in case I still want to do that.

On this note my Project: Do Me list needs to change:

Daily

1- Read 5 pages of a book.

2- Spend 15 minutes exercising to sort my knee out.

3- Get out of bed before 7am.

4- Drink a bottle of water at school.

Add: 5- Mark Literacy and Numeracy before leaving school.

 

Update: I have managed to do most everyday. I'm not working out the knee tonight though as I haven't literally stopped all day and it's sore from rushing around. I've been doing about half hour so it's going well. I have managed the book, every night before bed. I'm reading 'Girl With A Pearl Earring'.

Weekly
1.Have a Hydra Quench facial and nail night.
2.Watch a film.
3. Have one night at least off from doing work.
4. Apply for two jobs. I have one :-)

4. Sort clothing itinerary for New York trip next Saturday. (A specific one for this week)

This month (We'll make it till end of June since May is nearly over!) 
1.Plan sports day for my school.

 This Year
1. Be happy- that's all there is to want from life :-)

I'm having a night off tonight so I can be really lazy and have a loner night. I have been non stop all week and the idea of being alone, watching a film and lazing about sounds absolute bliss! I think it will be my nail night too! Hope you have all had a good week and have something nice planned for your Friday.

Here's a quote from one of my favourite idols- Audrey Hepburn- to sum up how I feel tonight:

* That's me dressed as her as Holly Golightly for a fancy dress party- I won the Oscar for being best dressed there. Audrey's style lives on.