Love - don't be a chicken.

[Source]

I do this thing, this thing where whenever I start to feel close I push away. It's not big and it's not clever. It certainly does not help my love life! I am not one to use the love word towards people easily. I find it difficult, not only to say it but to open up to people. Currently, I am in a complicated situation with Mr Canada and we're both playing chicken, wondering who will crack first. We are so similar it's painful sometimes. But I am starting to wonder if it's even worth it? I know you have to stick your chin out and accept it but where does that courage come from? Who helps you with it? It seems my life has been so unstable lately that this connection with him has deepened but we're both scared of it. We're happy but seem so determined to play it down. 

When you just want to be honest, how can you give yourself that extra push?

When to let it go...

I am just getting back into my groove after feeling like I have been out of it for a long time. I like to think I live my life how I want to and to make myself happy. I have a good job and I have great friends, so what's missing?

I am beginning to feel like, although I love my independence, I am ready to start being in a serious relationship. I currently have someone in my life who makes me happy but in the same breath I don't know where I stand. We have been together before, some time back and never really ended it. Due to jobs it just stopped. We have now been in contact long distance for at least 18 months. We are in daily contact, know each other's schedules and help one another when we have bad days. All in all it is like having a long distance relationship.

The problem comes because we aren't defined. In this day and age do you have to define yourselves? Normally I would say just focus on being happy. But now I am in this situation I know that is not the easiest thing to do. What we have verges on amazing but that small definition of 'us' shatters any kind of amazing situations. I am being patient but I am starting to feel confused.

Confused is not a good feeling...especially after I have just described it as amazing. But now, I am feeling like I need to have some kind of clarity. I don't want to be the girl waiting around while the guy waits because they are both scared to make some kind of move. How do I broach the subject? How do I talk about 'us' without seeming like I want kids and marriage? They are so far from my mind right now, right now I just need to know if I should dedicate time to trying to make it work or do I just let it go?

I know the old,  'If it's meant to be it will be' notion will be on many of your minds right now. However, it is not something I can rely on. I feel like time has passed and now I am feeling clearer in my own mind about myself I finally need to get some clarity on this situation. I have also come to find little solice in that statement after what has happened last year.

Like a good friend of mine, I am facing an all or nothing situation. I feel like I need to make some decisions and I don't know if I am going to like it, but surely it's better than just hanging around? We're both scared of what we have, I know that. Being scared is natural and that should be something we get past after so long.

Now it's timing, I know he has some big games coming up this weekend in hockey playoff land. Believe me, I know the stress he is going through and I won't do anything but support him, like he has during my stressful times but after that, I think we either need to let each go or try make a go of things.

What will be the outcome? Are we ready to let it go for good this time after trying a number of times in the past 18 months? Or will this be the making of it?

All I know is - something has to change. For good or bad change must come.    Any advice is more than welcome.

What a question to ask... [Source]

Relationship dynamics...

Isn't it funny when you think you've made a decision, swear that that decision will be the one that you follow and then all of a sudden you're back to square one?

Well this is my life right now. I've alluded to relationships many a times on this blog but never really explained myself. Basically, my Mr Past arrived back in my life last year and has never left. We've had 'vacations' from one another both on his terms and my terms, we've had arguments from my side and his and we've had lots of good communication.

The big problem however? We're in two different places, living two different lives. We have spoken many a times about what went wrong - both agreeing on bad timing. We met due to his work (sports), he returned home about 2 months later. At the time we both agreed to not get attached and we understood that it was be a short term thing. Only problem being is that it is clear we both forgot our own advice.

Just one of many thoughts about past ...

We had a break of about a year when he returned home and inevitably went to another town in the US to play and I was back home. But, as these things come full circle, we ended up back in contact. It has now been over a year since we have reconnected and I feel like I am stuck. 

Stuck in this fake long distance relationship. One where we are in regular contact, support one another and help each other to stay positive. I am very careful though to keep things 'friends' knowing that we're so far away.This is sometimes a lot harder than I ever imagined.

Many a times I have decided that the only way things can get better between us is to cut contact. I worry that it will be destructive for me as well as him in the long run. Every time I try this, it's as if my heart stops me. My mind is a strong thing but it appears my heart is even stronger and pulls me away from what I believe to be sanity.

It sounds like a situation and quite frankly I think it is. I don't want to be stuck in this place of uncertainty where I feel like I am just fun for Mr Past and sometimes I feel like I am one of the most important people to him. Needless to say, with everything else going on in my life lately this desicion making has been on the back burner. Now I am beginning to feel stronger, I need to act here and solve this. 

What to do? How to deal with this without causing pain to myself or him? Let's hope I can use my strength to finally deal with this and find a solution.

Why?

I was thinking about relationships and the word love today. Strangely this came about after reading an extract from a book called 'The Twits' by Roald Dahl with my class today. If you've never read the book (and you should), the two main characters are married, mean and play tricks on each. They are quite revolting people all in all. One child then asked me:

" Miss... Why did they get married if they don't like each other?"

I just looked at him and went to say something and just stood with my mouth slightly agape. I had no answer to him. So I have to say I did the child like thing of shrugging my shoulders and saying, " I don't know." A cop out, I know.. I couldn't even muster a discussion as I was thinking in my head about all the couples I've known or came across where I have thought a similar thing. I think we have all seen those couples where they seem to hate each other so much but are still together after years. What keeps them together? Was there ever an attraction? Was it convenience? Is it out of hope that it will get better? We have all asked those questions of others and I always hope that I will never have to ask that question of myself.

I believe that cheating is one of the worst thing you could do to someone and I think that it stems from couples where there is something missing or indeed something there like dislike. Therefore I've always believed that if I were to be in that situation then I would be strong enough to remove myself from the situation. Everyone wants love and everyone wants to have something so special that everyone wants it. So all I can hope is that I find that special bond in the future and will always have the strength and courage to search for that and not feel like I should cave to the pressures of being expected to be with someone and settle down. 

True love ways...

I have blogged before about being called out as 'being in love'. I don't think that I was as I read a quote the other day which hit me quite hard but made me feel quite happy and optimistic for the near future:

“It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in" 

Maybe the answer to the question I was asked today, and that which we ask about many, could simply just be- They were never in love.

*Image from stock xchng

Risk?

Today has been a nice change of pace to life in school as I was lucky to be on a course for the whole day. It was all about school visits and how to plan and stay safe. The strange thing however, when they were talking about different issues, was that it actually started to sound like how one may plan their life. 

It got me thinking about life and love and the risks which we take. As children our risks are generally monitored to some extent (by parents, teachers, other adults etc). But then we reach an age where all of a sudden, we begin to make our own decisions and choices. Now risks are an everyday occurrence, when looking at statistics today there was evidence of at least 70 people being injured just getting out of bed in a year. It may sound silly but even from the start of a day you that you have a potential for injury/pain. There was a similar statistic for putting socks on. These are small, little everyday things and yes we laughed at how ridiculous this sounded but in the ‘big picture’ there are other risks in life which aren’t simple.

Let’s look at life:

You have various important decisions to make which are not without risk:

Job

1: Some careers you can risk your life e.g. army, firemen etc.

2: Some jobs involve long travel which obviously put you at risk from accidents.

3: Some jobs involve working with people who may harm you.

4: You may move away and it could impact on your quality of life being away from friends and family etc.

Socialising

1: How many people have become vulnerable and therefore been at risk. I myself walked for a taxi at the weekend, early morning, in a city with empty streets thinking I’d be fine after been offered to share taxi with friends but I didn’t want to inconvenience them so booked my own taxi. Not until the next day did I think- how silly?!

2: Again, if it’s a new person who you don’t know they may put you at risk.

Now these are just two examples but the one I thought about the most was that of love.

Love is an amazing thing and with the right person can complete your life (or at least that is how I view it). Now think of how amazing this is and then think of all the risks which are involved from:

Meeting people

Dating

Living Together

Being Married

Children

I have experienced a few times, in my life of 25 years, the pain and sadness which comes with taking a risk in love. However, last year I took a huge risk with my heart and it went horribly wrong. It was a risk which I didn’t plan for and just happened. One of those relationships which steam rolls you out of nowhere only to leave you clinging onto sanity when it’s passed. It has taken me a long time to get over that and reflect the situation and I have came to the conclusion that even though my heart was broke (yep – I think he actually broke my heart, it sucked) it was worth it. It has taken me a long time to get here but I am now starting to see the positive things which came about like deciding I  want to do work away, try new things and overall just be brave in my life. This man had confidence and when I was with him I felt it too and he always made me feel worthy and that has stuck even through the dark times after he had to leave and go back home. So for this I am thankful. Do I wish he’d not finished his contract here? Well of course ... it was an amazing, short lived, passionate relationship but I now have a renewed sense of myself. 

So basically, after this long winded blog I feel like I want to say to you all...take the risk in love!! If you end up hurt or sad there will be a way back and it will make you stronger. What I found interesting was the following quote we were given today which I believe goes against pretty much everything we’re taught as kids:

“Planning is an unnatural process; it is much more fun to do something. The nicest thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise, rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression.” ~ Sir John Harvey

 

In my case with the relationship, I didn’t plan it, I didn’t deem myself not good enough from the start. I was myself and through planning would have been someone very different. The failure was not something anticipated but my strength since has grown and now I am starting to see it for what it was....a learning experience.

After all, even out the classroom we never stop learning. Life is constantly showing us new things and do you know what... sometimes the best thing in your life comes from a risk which if you’d planned and evaluated as to what could go wrong, you wouldn’t have done!

However, there are still some things which just aren't worth the risk:

Err...Not quite worth the risk!

I’m pretty sure some of you out there have taken some amazing risks? Feel free to share!

*Image from http://thereifixedit.com