Relationship dynamics...

Isn't it funny when you think you've made a decision, swear that that decision will be the one that you follow and then all of a sudden you're back to square one?

Well this is my life right now. I've alluded to relationships many a times on this blog but never really explained myself. Basically, my Mr Past arrived back in my life last year and has never left. We've had 'vacations' from one another both on his terms and my terms, we've had arguments from my side and his and we've had lots of good communication.

The big problem however? We're in two different places, living two different lives. We have spoken many a times about what went wrong - both agreeing on bad timing. We met due to his work (sports), he returned home about 2 months later. At the time we both agreed to not get attached and we understood that it was be a short term thing. Only problem being is that it is clear we both forgot our own advice.

Just one of many thoughts about past ...

We had a break of about a year when he returned home and inevitably went to another town in the US to play and I was back home. But, as these things come full circle, we ended up back in contact. It has now been over a year since we have reconnected and I feel like I am stuck. 

Stuck in this fake long distance relationship. One where we are in regular contact, support one another and help each other to stay positive. I am very careful though to keep things 'friends' knowing that we're so far away.This is sometimes a lot harder than I ever imagined.

Many a times I have decided that the only way things can get better between us is to cut contact. I worry that it will be destructive for me as well as him in the long run. Every time I try this, it's as if my heart stops me. My mind is a strong thing but it appears my heart is even stronger and pulls me away from what I believe to be sanity.

It sounds like a situation and quite frankly I think it is. I don't want to be stuck in this place of uncertainty where I feel like I am just fun for Mr Past and sometimes I feel like I am one of the most important people to him. Needless to say, with everything else going on in my life lately this desicion making has been on the back burner. Now I am beginning to feel stronger, I need to act here and solve this. 

What to do? How to deal with this without causing pain to myself or him? Let's hope I can use my strength to finally deal with this and find a solution.

Mr Past...

I remember about a year ago, talking about revisiting the past and whether I should make that trip. I did and I am still there. Many warned once it was the past to leave it but circumstance which led to this person being in the past were rather different to the usual. I then thought about chance and what to do when you give someone a chance, only for them to not take it or to just leave it?

This person in my life, Mr Past,  has actually been very important to me throughout the year as he has made me feel happy when I've been so sad and motivated me when I thought I couldn't go on. Between the two of us we have given the other a kind of security blanket. He is not in the same country as me anymore and this is where the difficulty with Mr Past and me lies. 

We have a connection but also have the distance there between us. When we first met, Mr Past was here where I am and then had to make the journey home. Obviously, readers of this blog will know that we lost contact only for me to have the opportunity to make a change to this last year. I did and that was the spark to light the flame it seemed. 

However, it has now been a year and we are still in that same place where - apart but scared to make a change. We've had many a conversation which have led that way but never quite got to the end of it. We have also had a couple of 'breaks' where we have tried to take time away from one another to have space but always end up back in contact.

In my head I tell myself it's because neither of us want it enough. Maybe that is true? But after a year of constant contact, Mr Past and myself should start to try and get this sorted don't you think? 

At the moment, I feel like I am standing at a cross roads and there are two ways to go. There really are only 2 different options here and I feel like sooner rather than later the decision must be made. 

I just don't know what that decision is just yet.