I'm still here...

So this is awkward, Ive had such a break I almost don't know how to blog anymore. I didn't make a conscious decision to step away from my blog, it just sorta happened. I was beginning to feel better and that was great, but I was still suffering from extreme fatigue and the blogging was the part which had to go.

Having been on a new set of anti-depressants since February, I can finally say I am beginning to see a massive improvement in myself and others are no noticing too. I would say within the past 5 weeks I have felt more stable and in the last 2 I have seen a improvement in my energy and mood. I can't explain how good this makes me feel, I've been on anti-depressants since September and I have suffered with clinical depression since last January without even accepting it. As well as anxiety and stress.

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Now that I am starting to feel part of life again, I can see (finally) how far I have come and the strength which I have shown. Feeling like I was making progress was something I could not do, but now I have the big step I can see it. I feel like I am in life now and not just watching it pass me by. I can't say I will be back to blogging with the frequency I once was. But I will be blogging when I feel like I can. 

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Part of getting myself better is not placing expectations on myself and then feeling disappointed when I can not meet them. As much as I love blogging, I have to apply it to this as well. All parts of my life, whether it's work, fun times, shopping etc. I have to  set boundaries. Small steps at a time.

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I hope everyone in the land of blogging is well and I look forward to getting back into things!

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Never throw anyone out.

I just wanted to share a quote with you all today. I haven't been the easiest to be around lately and I am thankful for those friends who have not thrown me out. I have a number of friends but feel that I can count 3 that have helped and supported me. Others have distanced themselves and readily accepted the distance which I have created. 

Feel happy with your friends and accept those who stick around during the rough times.

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Do I still want to blog?

I have been thinking about blogging lately and whether I should continue or not. I feel like all my posts lately have been so down. There's being honest and there's also being downright miserable. I don't know how helpful my honesty will be. Sometimes it's just too over bearing. 

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I feel like I maybe don't have the heart for it anymore. I have lost my way in my life it feels and that is now spilling over to my blog life too. I have lost a lot of inspiration and direction. I don't really know where to go at the moment. 

I have dreams and wishes but how to strive for those is unknown to me right now. Through my therapy sessions, I am beginning to figure out ways but I still don't know how long it will take. This is in regards to career, love life and my health. In relation to my blog, I just don't know how relevant I am anymore and if I actually have any thoughts worth sharing. I may have a few little posts of inspiration over the holidays and then I will see you back in the New Year for my recap and hopefully I have gained some extra perspective then.

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Happiness is only real when shared.

Today was a lazy Sunday. I slept in and after being up another hour I needed to have a lie down again. Maybe it was the sedatives I am prescribed to help sleep or maybe I was just tired. Either way, I was in a 'slow' and 'quiet' mood today. As I was lying on the floor (yep, I hadn't even made it back to the sofa from checking my phone), I saw the DVD, 'Into the Wild'. I have had this sitting for the best part of a year, waiting to be watched. Today, I decided, was the day.

I have to admit, I didn't totally know what this film was about. I had a basic idea but other than that I waded in pretty unsure which I liked. I could watch and form my own opinions as the film went on. As I watched the movie and became engrossed in the adventures of the lead, Alex Supertramp (Christopher McCandless) as he worked his way to Alaska. After college, he gave all his savings to charity, packed up a bag and left his family without a word, never to speak to them again.

The film, produced and directed by Sean Penn, documents his travels and the lives he touched along the way. As I watched it I became engrossed in his struggles and in awe of his happiness and wonderment of the things and experiences he saw. It was heart warming and touching.

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He made friends and these people were the same as me - in awe of this young man making a journey to find, what seemed like, happiness. There are pointers to a difficult childhood and destructive parents throughout. I got the feeling he was looking for something, not necessarily trying to love without the constraints of society. Yes, that was a big part due to the family upbringing, but it seemed he wanted something more. At the end he comes to the conclusion of, 'Happiness is only real when shared.'

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The past few months, happiness is something I have somewhat struggled with. When I have had brief moments of happiness I have been shocked and felt guilty and odd for smiling. It is like I have become used to the feeling of depression, it has become my 'normal' mode and kinda comforting. Happiness is important and we can find it in so many places without even looking.

I have spent a lot of time alone recently and I have had moments of happiness. But I have sought to be alone, I preferred that to being in groups. I couldn't stand to make conversation or be in social situations. The thought of having to make myself smile was just too much energy which I didn't have. I began to think that being alone was the best thing for me - you read so many things which say be around others but I disagreed. I much preferred being by myself and not feeling the pressures to 'put on a show' which I had felt the the whole year. It became exhausting.

I was just that, exhausted and began to think being alone was the best thing I could do. As my medications and therapy began to work, I realised this was not true. I realised that having others around me was extremely important. I an share my smiles and the fun things I see. During therapy, we are pursuing the walls which I have built around me and I am trying to understand the reasons behind why I do this. Why I don't let people in. But, through all of this I am realising the importance of others.

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Friendships and families are important. You don't have to spend all day every day with other people, in fact learning to be alone is a skill in itself, but having contact and sharing is important. Finding the happiness and sharing it makes us whole. As the film carries on, the main character finishes his soul searching and when tries to go back to civilisation can not. The time gets harder and it seems to suddenly dawn on him that - Happiness is only real when shared.

Obviously, my opinions on the movie are just that - opinions. But in thoughts to the happiness shared - I truly believe that happiness is only real when shared. Even if you experience the happiness alone (like 'Alex' in the movie), sharing that later with another person makes it real. As I begin to find myself and feel more positive, I am finding the happiness again and wanting to share it with others and not to stay in my own shell. I am not saying I will let anyone into my life, because I won't. But, I will start to let those close to me in once again and share the happiness. Christmas seems like the perfect time to do this.


Also, check out the soundtrack, it is amazing and has many fantastic Eddie Vedder songs:

"You think you have to want more than you nee."

Remember, share the happiness.

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Good days, bad days and the inbetween.

As I have previously stated, accepting depression in my life has been one of the hardest things I have personally had to deal with. Since allowing that realisation into my life, I have slowed down my pace and began to look after myself more. I am still not quite able to relax from work and I am constantly dreaming about the place in my time off from there but at least I am away from it while I sort my head out.

Taking anti-depressants are exactly how your read about - living hell for the first few weeks. They made everything heightened. My stress and anxiety went through the roof. My hands would shake and appetite totally went. Reading up on the tablets, I seem to have had it easier than others which is definitely lucky! But it didn't make me feel any better about the constant drowsiness I was encountering alongside everything else.

On my good days I wake up and feel ready to tackle the day. I am not saying I am superwoman and ready to buzz about like I used to but I fee like I can deal. I complete small tasks about the house and go out. I am happy, I feel like things are going in the right direction.

Oh, but that's not allowed. Depression and anti-depressants taunt and the next day ... bam! It's a down day. What do my down days look like? Well, I wake early then doze till about 9. Then I lay in bed till 2pm, awake, but just unable to leave my bed. I lie and think of the things I need to and should be doing but I can't move regardless. Then I realise that I must get some food so drag myself out of bed, grab a bowl of cereal then take up residence on the sofa. Now what? Watch TV for an hour, turn it off and sleep until 6pm. Make a cup of tea, grab a quick bite to eat. Watch more TV then go to bed.

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Then there are the in between days. When I doze till mid-day, get up and potter about the house with the intentions of doing things. Watch TV and don't nap. Make myself a healthy dinner then later have a nice bubble bath. But still I am not able to get up and go out but i am happy with own co0mapny and my head isn't too foggy.

This is now coming up to my 4th week on the tablets and I am not so sure I am seeing much of change but I think that is partly due to how bad they set me back. I am persisting because I know these will help me and allow me to cope and work through my feelings. But my goodness, they sure don't make it easy!

Maybe  I should be using this time to look at changes? [Source]

Any advice how to stay positive during these tough times?   Find me: twitter/bloglovin/pinterest/instagram  

Is it wrong to spend a day doing nothing?

Today has been one of those days where I planned to do lots of things...but didn't. I had lunch as my breakfast, began to tidy at 3 and by 3.20pm I was laid on the floor watching TV. Yes, I was indeed THAT lazy.

As I lay, I started to feel guilt and panic over the fact that I was doing absolutely nothing. I was wasting my day, but I just didn't want to get up. Then I remembered:

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I was relaxed and happy. Why should I always have to rush around and be busy? Why can't I just stop and not do anything without feeling so guilty. I often feel that society today makes you believe you should always be moving and doing something and that if you're not, something is wrong. 

Slowing down is something I have always found difficult. I am known for always being busy and moving about. But today I decided to listen to my body and not my mind. I rested and enjoyed my afternoon. I had a marathon viewing session of The Office: An American Workplace. Later in the evening I felt like doing some cleaning so I had a late, but enjoyable cleaning session. So it all worked out well in the end and I was happy.

Do you ever feel guilty when you aren't busy? How do you cope with that?

Wait...where am I?

I am in an unfamiliar place, I am back at my laptop looking at 'Blogger'. That's right, I am taking the plunge back into blogging. It has been far too long and I am finally ready and able to get back into the world of blogs. In previous blog breaks I have checked in once in a while to see what has been going on but this time, I hadn't even logged into my account for a couple months it seems.

There has been a lot going on and I will eventually get round to sharing but I am just looking forward to getting back into my writing and enjoying catching up with fellow bloggers around the world. 

The true secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest in all the details of daily life.
William Morris

I am beginning to find that interest in daily life once again and I am looking forward to sharing with you all again.

Belief: Quote Link Up

Today is my first post back into my quote of the week. I have also included a link up after my post if any of you fabulous bloggers would like to share a quote too.

I have been reading a lot of quotes lately to find positivity for myself. While reading, I came across a quote I wish to share with you all today.

“You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted it?...Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief.” 

C.S Lewis

The idea of belief is something which many people have many different feelings and thoughts on. Lately, my belief has been tested, hurt me and inspired me. How do we know what to have belief in?

In my mind, belief is a feeling of hope. A feeling which makes you think you can somehow have things happen which you want to simply because you have 'belief' in in. I always thought that through this things would be fine. Until it was tested. 

My belief in things with my brother did not happen, in fact quite the opposite. I spent many nights lying awake wondering why? Questioning my ability to believe - surely if I had believed enough in him getting better he would've right? I guess it was belief in myself and my abilities which were tested.

As time has passed I am starting to realise that it was not down to me and my belief. What happened was down to things outside my control. So what has happened to my belief in hope? It's still there and in fact it is coming back. Even during some dark times I kept telling myself that things will get better, and began to once again believe in myself - not necessarily in my ability to fix things. But in that I could help myself to feel better. No-one can experience loss and be 'fixed', I can't hope for that because that is always a something which I will fail.

I can though, help myself and begin to see some happiness in things around me again and begin to find a stable place to start from. Did I lose trust in myself? I think I did. But what I am now beginning to understand is that my belief should not be something I then punish myself for. What is life without belief? If I trust it and it fails, I move on to the next part. I just have to make sure I never lose the belief and hope I have in myself.

I want to leave you with this quote:

“I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?”  

John Lennon

Has your belief or hope ever been tested? What kept you going?

Words of Inspiration...

I have been finding inspiration all around me lately, something in me picks up thoughts and advice much more than usually (and normally that is a lot). I have been a busy bee on Pinterest, finding words to comfort me and today I wanted to share some with you all and hope you too can be inspired, find comfort or whatever you're looking for which you didn't realise you were needing.

You can check out my Pinterest here ----->  

My Pinterest

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I hope you can take something from the above words and please feel free to share your own.

Quote of the day Monday...Getting what you want

I am the type of person who, once they've set their mind on something, will work hard to get it. It may not always be in the quietest of ways, maybe it wont be without tears and maybe it isn't with knowing 100% I am pursuing the right thing but I go for it. I like to feel like I've achieved something.

When I get what I want (meant in the least annoying Princess way), I feel proud and feel like I've achieved a huge thing. Sometimes it's the little things which take the hardest of efforts. Many people I know set goals to help them get to where they want but me... I go all out. I don't do it little buy little, I like to do huge things and worry about the finer details later. This has led me to trouble on more than one occasion but I get there eventually.

However, what do you, when the one thing you want you can't get? Be it relationship based, job based or even small daily things such as transport etc. I know I feel miserable and think 'What have I done wrong?" or "What could I have done different?" I blame myself and for some time may always look back and think "What if..." The thing though, is that we can't base our lives on 'What if's'

We do it because sometimes the idea that we have made a wrong choice somewhere along the line is easier to accept then it is just not meant to be. When something isn't meant to be, it means we lose control. Does anyone like to feel they have no control? I certainly don't. It takes a strong individual to make me give up control because I feel like then I rely on myself. I don't trust others enough to rely on them.

But in the end, there are somethings in life which are just not meant to happen or be. I think if we can accept that, we can find happiness much easier. I need to realise that not getting what I want is not the worst thing that could happen to me. It is in fact sometimes the best. I found a quote which I want to share with you all, especially those who are like me and hate the idea of not getting what you want.

Quote of the day Monday...Life

Today's quote is something which, at the moment given what my family is facing, is something which rings truer than ever. I have two brothers currently undergoing chemotherapy for a genetic cancer. If there's anything to feel lucky about, it's that it is their Mam's side of the family (she passed away from this same cancer at a young age). Seeing them both fight and show such courageous spirit is something which I am happy to see. It makes me feel so proud of them that they're standing up to be counted and not letting this awful disease beat them. Talking to them and hearing all the things they want to do and places they want to see make me feel so very privileged to have already done so much in my life so far. It is also highlighting the need to take opportunities when they show themselves. 

So this quote today is for my brave, courageous and strong brothers as well as anyone else who can find some solice in this thought.

Hope you are all having a great start to the week!

Missy 
xoxo

How time flies...

It has been a long time since I've blogged...in fact, make that a VERY long time. There has been many occasions on which I have tried, and failed, to write but the words just couldn't escape.

I can't describe the feeling too well, but as you are fellow bloggers I'm pretty sure you know exactly what I'm talking about. What I've found difficult is that these thoughts weren't all in little areas of my mind, they have been all jumbled, to the point where I couldn't make any sense of them. It was like my mind was running out of space as more and more thoughts gathered, just spinning around in there. 

I always said I would only continue to write while it was fun. However it was and still is fun, I just seemed to lose the ability. After the year I have had it was very difficult to make sense of thought. My good friends will tell you that when I can't process thoughts I become quite the anxious person. This of course affects a number of areas in my life. 

I have just returned from a month away from what I would call my 'real life' and it has been just what was needed. I am feeling a lot more focused again in what I want from life and what I need to do. I was away visiting a very good friend and often we would discuss how we were 'lost' and how others were 'finding themselves'. A bit like ourselves really. Then I found a quote which rang true to me:

"Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

The idea of needing to find yourself can be so time consuming and take away from the real thing of us creating ourselves. So, that's what I am going to focus on...not thinking that there are things I should be doing, places I should be seeing but making myself into what I want to be.

I m hoping my new clarity will free my thinking and thoughts. I will be back to blogging and sharing my thoughts with you all.

Quote of the day Monday...

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

Marilyn Monroe

Missy Twitter

Quote of the Day Monday...

"You wouldn't worry so much about what other people thought if you realised how seldom they do."

    - Eleanor Roosevelt

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Quote of the Day Monday...

 

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up."

James A. Baldwin 

Quote of the day Monday...

At this moment I will be somewhere in Canada, possibly travelling to a new destination, partying,seeing new sights or sleeping ...I don't know( I can't figure out time differences in advance) so when I was thinking of a quote for today I thought what better than to have a travel quote.

A good friend of mine, Mr Music, loves the author Jack Kerouac. For years and years he has told me to read 'On the Road'. I trust him that it's a good book but I just never felt the time was right to read it. But now... that time is here. I have taken it away with me to read and I hope it makes me feel even more inspired. Therefore today's quote is from Jack Kerouac. I also hope my trust in him is well deserved...I'm sure it will. After all he is the one to introduce me to so many new bands which I just love.

When deciding whether to go away over the Summer alone I did spend a lot of time wondering whether it was the 'right'  thing to do. It may seem that it's not a huge thing, but for me, to do something by myself was a big step. I thought about the people I would let down when I said I couldn't go away with them or those who wondered if I was stupid to go alone (even though I would be with a group). I reached the point where I thought-'I don't care'. I didn't mean this in a selfish and mean way, I just thought for once I should put my wants first. If I want to do something I should do it now while I can. After some chats with Miss Twin I felt more confident that people would be happy for me and see it as the opportunity it was...a very special one.

So while this quote is here now, I will be having fun, learning new things and above all I will be happy!

Enjoy the quote!

Quote of the day Monday...

It's Monday therefore it's quote day! Hope you are all liking the new feature.

Today I have gone with a quote from a favourite artist of mine  - Conor Oberst. I find a lot of inspiration and also solace in his music and lyrics. This quote is from the song Take it Easy (Love Nothing). I like these lines because they paint such a good image of how to lock away memories so they can't bother you but in the same way when you want them you can just open up the little box where the song is kept. I chose this because I felt it fit with my post last week questioning the past. On that front I have just decided to leave the past where it is, I am happy and don't want to wake anything up just for something which I don't need as I have sorted through those emotions myself.

I like to think writing is my form of song and believe me I have done a lot of writing these past few months. Some pieces which are just for me were just what I needed to organise my thoughts. I occasionally read my musings back and feel different each time.

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Do you find writing helps you 'trap' things away?

A quote a day...

Quote of the day Monday

Today I was inspired by my perfect weekend. I spent the weekend away with Miss Twin, Miss GG and Miss Mam-to-be. We haven't all spent time away like that for a long, long time and it made us all realise that we need to do it more often regardless of locations. We talked, laughed, shared and basically just reverted back to being the best friends we were when we we're younger. One of my favourite moments was baby kicking for me when myself and Miss Mam-to-be were having a well overdue catch up. It was as if Baby was saying, "Everything is ok Missy....you're doing fine." Both me and Miss Mam-to-be were touched by the moment.

People change and adapt depending on circumstances and life events but friendships stay the same regardless of the people in them. This quote is a one which I shared with Miss Faux Fur not too long ago but really applies itself to any good friendship. I was unable to find the author but I think it's something we can all say about our best firends who love us unconditionally.