Hope - still believe even when it's hard.

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Hope. Such a small word but such a big meaning. All around us, people are holding out hope for various reasons. To me, hope is fading in and out right now. It never really goes, it sometimes just is so small to see and feel that I have to work extra hard to find it. My hope of feeling better and the fog of depression lifting is not easy. Too often I am still up and down.

Yesterday was a difficult day, I spend most of it in bed - absolutely zonked. I was then back to bed early. I woke up fine but by the time I had finished my breakfast, it hit me. Anxiety and panic. I sat, unable to move, unable to start getting dressed or washing my face. I was paralysed with fear and anxiety about work. Not the job itself, just the actual going out and putting on my 'I'm fine' face. 

This has happened before and I always manage to push past it and make it into work. Today, I couldn't. As I sat, trying to reason with myself and coax myself into standing up, to walking to the bathroom, to wash my face etc etc my body would not react. For once my mind over ruled everything. Nothing was going to happen. 

I then had to call work and after the way my acting head teacher (deputy) was during my phase back, I was even more panicked about calling. To put it politely, he has been a bit of a dick about things and I have not been supported. I feel this could be the contribution to the anxiety I feel for the place. So with shaking hands I called and told them I had been sick. I was too scared to tell him the truth, worried that in some way it would be held against me.

At this point, my hope today was at an all time low. I was disappointed at myself that I could not push through and felt like I had taken the easy option out. But as I lay in bed, I realised that I was looking after me. Thinking my boss would use the fact that I was suffering against me, made me realise that I have to look after myself because not many others will. 

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I know some people would laugh and wonder how I couldn't go in to work. They may also laugh at me 'not really being ill' because it was not able to be seen. But it is so real to me. The moment of waking every day not knowing which 'me' I am going to be. I miss just waking up and going about my day, happy and getting things done. Having the occasional deadline freak out but getting it done and celebrating with a night out. I still have the hope that I am there. But I know some days this hope will be hard to find. I have to rely on myself as there is no one helping me find it. As great as my friends are, I just want someone to tell me it's going to be ok and hug me. 

I have spend most of the day in bed just laying and thinking and dosing off into a dreamworld. I finally got up at 2pm for some food and I am now contemplating my next move after this blog post. I found a list of positive distractions on Pinterest. I think I may bake, again I can feel the panic rising that I am setting myself a task to do but I know once I get motivated I will enjoy it and it will take my mind off things. Plus, I get to eat sweet and tasty treats afterwards. 

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How do you keep hope alive when times are tough?

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Depression and medication - time for change.

It's that time again, time for me to be Miss Honest. I want to let you all know that this is difficult to be so open and that I struggle with sharing with those closest to me, especially at the moment, but I am hoping that it may be of some help for some of you out there.

I have now been on my anti-depressant medication for just over 4 weeks now. It feels so normal, like I've always woke up, popped a pill and got on with my day. But it's not. After having a 'moment' at work where everything was just too much my doctor signed me off work. It was something I have fought since February, all this time I have avoided it and thought I was exhausted but now I accept it. Even my doctor said how stubborn I am, yep that's me alright.

I began taking sertraline, which is an SSRI (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor) medication,which basically works to increase the amount of serotonin in my brain. Serotonin, the happy chemical, is something which I am lacking and it could be caused by a number of issues - most likely due to the stress and heartbreak of last year.

As I said, due to my stubbornness it has taken months to get to this point. When I looked at the side effects of the drug I laughed, yes - out loud, as there were so many it seemed ridiculous. But I trusted me doctor, she's fantastic and I knew I had to start making a change. The first week on the tablets was hell- my anxiety (just another issue for good measure) kicked up a notch or hundred! I was wired but at the same time so, so tired. I felt like I was carrying around weights all day and cold not stop yawning, like those yawns when you have travelled or not slept except I had it from waking to sleep. In fact, yawning was listed as a side effect. 

If only! [Source]

The second week that continued, as the did the shaking. As the day progressed my hands would start to shake more and more. I wouldn't say it was hugely noticeable to others but if I was trying to write or do anything tricky then it was difficult. I was emotional and anxious and I began to wonder if it was worth putting myself through it. The Monday of the 3rd week I went into work and before the kids had even came in  I had a panic attack and was in my head teacher's office in floods of tears. She made the decision to send me home and told me to take time off. At the time I was like a child, "No, I'll be fine. I just need a minute. I don't want to go home!" I sobbed. Looking back it was probably one of my lowest points and deep down I knew, I knew I needed time but I fought it. I did not want to give up, thanks to such an amazing head teacher and doctor I realised that it was not giving up. It was making a positive step in the right direction. 

Do it for you, no one else [Source]

Without the stress and anxiety of work I began to relax a bit more. As I worked through my 3rd and 4th week I began to see the slightest of improvements. The most annoying thing is that my sleeping pattern just went crazy and I was suffering insomnia. So I got back to my nytol the past couple nights just to get back into a pattern. This is now my 5th week and I have upped from 50mg to 100mg. I anticipated some problems and I have upped quite soon because I don't want to deal with the problems while I am away. However, it seems like the only side effect I have back is the shaking and now an annoying, lingering headache. It could be worse.

I am beginning to feel a little more clear headed and less emotional which is great. I am still struggling with the motivation and when I over think my anxiety hits me like a wave. Anything which worries me or is not expected makes me worked up and trying to calm myself is something which I will be working on for the future.

All in all, I am pleased I have persevered as I think this will be good for me. I am aware that there is still a stigma which comes with the words 'depression' and 'anti-depressants', so much so that I haven't told many people at all what I am going through - although that's not the only reason. My doctor said that most people don 't get through two weeks on these tablets, let alone work for the first two weeks so I think I'm doing pretty good. One day at a time.

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Keep positive even when things get tough, show those around you love today.

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Belief: Quote Link Up

Today is my first post back into my quote of the week. I have also included a link up after my post if any of you fabulous bloggers would like to share a quote too.

I have been reading a lot of quotes lately to find positivity for myself. While reading, I came across a quote I wish to share with you all today.

“You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted it?...Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief.” 

C.S Lewis

The idea of belief is something which many people have many different feelings and thoughts on. Lately, my belief has been tested, hurt me and inspired me. How do we know what to have belief in?

In my mind, belief is a feeling of hope. A feeling which makes you think you can somehow have things happen which you want to simply because you have 'belief' in in. I always thought that through this things would be fine. Until it was tested. 

My belief in things with my brother did not happen, in fact quite the opposite. I spent many nights lying awake wondering why? Questioning my ability to believe - surely if I had believed enough in him getting better he would've right? I guess it was belief in myself and my abilities which were tested.

As time has passed I am starting to realise that it was not down to me and my belief. What happened was down to things outside my control. So what has happened to my belief in hope? It's still there and in fact it is coming back. Even during some dark times I kept telling myself that things will get better, and began to once again believe in myself - not necessarily in my ability to fix things. But in that I could help myself to feel better. No-one can experience loss and be 'fixed', I can't hope for that because that is always a something which I will fail.

I can though, help myself and begin to see some happiness in things around me again and begin to find a stable place to start from. Did I lose trust in myself? I think I did. But what I am now beginning to understand is that my belief should not be something I then punish myself for. What is life without belief? If I trust it and it fails, I move on to the next part. I just have to make sure I never lose the belief and hope I have in myself.

I want to leave you with this quote:

“I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?”  

John Lennon

Has your belief or hope ever been tested? What kept you going?

No one's getting out of here alive...

It is with great sadness I am sharing this post with you all. As you are aware my big brother has been fighting hard against cancer. On November 1st, in the early hours, he sadly lost the fight and passed away surrounded by all his family.

After a scare on Wednesday evening which resulted in him being resuscitated, we received a call early Thursday to say he was going downhill once again and all made the journey to be with him. Words can not describe the pain which hit me when I walked into his room and saw him. I knew the end was near and I wanted more than anything to have things pick up all of a sudden and him to be fine but truth be told, he looked so fragile that I knew this was all that was left. We all spoke to him, held his hand, which he was unable to move, and then he went. The sadness and tears around me was unbearable. The pain of humans is a thing to behold and how we all handle things differently is amazing. I have never felt more scared and distraught at the same time.

My brother was an amazing guy. I have looked through old messages, texts, emails and what's apps between us and can see the connection we had. He was someone who I could talk to on the phone for hours about random things as well as deep and meaningful things. Craig was such a logical man who dealt with things in a way which others could sometimes not see. When diagnosed in January , we became even closer and saw each other on a weekly basis. In that time we continued our discussion of sometimes nothingness but it was us and that's what amused us. From watching a football game to Unsolved Mysteries. Over the last 5 weeks during his time in hospital, it has become part of my life to see him almost on a daily basis. One of our last conversations was him explaining the idea behind Star Wars and the fact they came in three's. Just so normal. He was a hero of mine, a man who inspired me and made me question life and what we're here for. He always said he wasn't scared to die and accepted that it was going to happen. I just hope that that was something he held onto at that final moment of passing.

Rest in peace My Craig. I will always, truly miss you and will think of you forever. Thank you for being a brilliant big brother who made me laugh, cry and want to be the best person I could be. I will love you always and forever.

Fill not your hearts with pain and sorrow,
but remember me in every tomorrow.
Remember the joy, the laughter, the smiles,
I've only gone to rest a little while.
Although my leaving causes pain and grief,
my going has given me relief
So dry your eyes and remember me,
not as I am now, but as I used to be.
Because, I will remember you all
and look on with a smile.
Understand in your hearts
I've only gone to rest a little while.
As long as I have the love of each of you,
I can live my life in the hearts of you.