I'm still here...

So this is awkward, Ive had such a break I almost don't know how to blog anymore. I didn't make a conscious decision to step away from my blog, it just sorta happened. I was beginning to feel better and that was great, but I was still suffering from extreme fatigue and the blogging was the part which had to go.

Having been on a new set of anti-depressants since February, I can finally say I am beginning to see a massive improvement in myself and others are no noticing too. I would say within the past 5 weeks I have felt more stable and in the last 2 I have seen a improvement in my energy and mood. I can't explain how good this makes me feel, I've been on anti-depressants since September and I have suffered with clinical depression since last January without even accepting it. As well as anxiety and stress.

[Source]

Now that I am starting to feel part of life again, I can see (finally) how far I have come and the strength which I have shown. Feeling like I was making progress was something I could not do, but now I have the big step I can see it. I feel like I am in life now and not just watching it pass me by. I can't say I will be back to blogging with the frequency I once was. But I will be blogging when I feel like I can. 

[Source]

Part of getting myself better is not placing expectations on myself and then feeling disappointed when I can not meet them. As much as I love blogging, I have to apply it to this as well. All parts of my life, whether it's work, fun times, shopping etc. I have to  set boundaries. Small steps at a time.

[Source]

I hope everyone in the land of blogging is well and I look forward to getting back into things!

If you haven't already, check out my other links and follow along with me.

Find me:

twitter/bloglovin/pinterest

I don't need saving.

Since being diagnosed with depression and anxiety I have had to take time away from work and I am becoming more aware of the way that people treat me. As I posted Friday, friends have been an absolute huge support and infact my BFF, Miss L, has been a lifeline with her nights in watching trash tv and eating lots of pizzas and chocolate with me! 

My family have treated me with kid gloves but in the same breath they don't understand what I am going through. I try to explain but it's like they almost don't want to know how difficult it is.  I think it's partly due to the mis-understanding of depression and the fact they don't want me to suffer.

Another person I have come across appears to think that I need 'saving'. I am not sure why this is but that is the way appears. This is someone I have never met, had small amount of contact with and all of sudden feels like I need their support and advice. It's strange because when someone has suffered depression themselves (and factor anxiety into the mix) you would think that they would not continue to keep going when it's clear there is no want for contact. 

Yep, I already have a Knight (Who isn't a douche) - I don't need another thanks.

I have my very close friends and family supporting me in their own way, as well as a certain Mr French Canadien to look after me. I also have a couple of very close friends via blogging/Facebook who I have known for at least 3 years now. I do not make friendships easy and I do not trust easy. Why? Well this is proving why. I make good thoughts about people when in the very early stages of friendships and have a very good feeling about thos I want in my life and those who just aren't right for my friendship. I feel uncomfortable with the attention and focus on my journey.

I am aware that everyone has their own ideas and thoughts but sometimes you would think that after a while certain things become obvious. I am working with a good therapist who is helping me deal with a few issues in my life and she is doing a great job. I have amazing friends to sit with me, holiday with me (Miss Faux Fur - I love you) and family to help support. I don't need people in my life who think they know me and act like I need saving. I am not at my best but I certainly don't need a stranger saving me.

Have you ever had people thinking they know you when in fact they have no idea about the person who you are?

Travel and Valium

I arrived back from my NYC trip quite happy. It was nice to get away to a place which I love and feel comfortable. It also gave me a glimpse to how I am still 'me' underneath this depression and anxiety which is covering me at the moment. Before my visit I was suffering major anxiety over the travel. But I assured myself that I could do it and I have done so much travelling before it couldn't be that difficult.

However, someone decided to push me and test me to the limits. I departed my home city late due to weather, ran for my connecting flight in the next airport. This was no fun and needless to say I was not looking or feeling my best when I arrived at the gate but I'd done it. I dealt with the stress and settled into the flight.

My next one saw me fly to Toronto where I would then fly a short journey to NYC. As I settled and put all my in flight needs into the pocket in front of me I suddenly began to realise that we were not anywhere near taking off time. How could that be when I had to do an airport dash? I looked around and the crew were just wandering. Then came the announcement - We will be delayed due to technical difficulties with the wing. Seriously?! Yep, they were serious. When we took off we were half an hour late, as I calculated this with my connection time I began to panic that my next flight would be another airport dash. But luckily, my prescribed Diazepam (Valium) kicked in and I managed to get a few hours sleep. 

Two hours before the end of the flight I awoke with a horrific headache and began to panic. I couldn't figure out why, I just knew my head was in pain, I felt sick and I had no paracetamols with me. When you're taking Valium it's not something you think you'll need! So I worked my way to the air stewardess at the back of the plane and asked for some. She gave me the tablets and my panic rose it's head. I began to shake and I could feel the tears building. The stewardess came back to me to check and realising I was not doing well, sat me on the jump seat.

We talked and she gave me sugar water which she said helped one of her friends during attacks. Brought me tissues and sent other passengers back to seats to allow me space alone. She and another stewardess continued to check on me and comfort me throughout the rest of the flight. Even walking me back to my seat at the end. When I told my doctor this she replied, "Oh Missy, that's when you should have taken a diazepam to help too."

Yea, not just the fringe I have in common with Zooey now... [Source]

As I left the flight I realised that I was cutting it short but felt relaxed again until I realised I had to collect my luggage in Toronto and take it to the bag drop (a 25 min walk) through Canadian immigration and American immigration. When I reached the bag tagging area I was told I had missed my flight - no really?! I didn't know! Booked onto another and sent on my way, after being told I did not have an ESTA - which of course I did. Hello, severely depressive with high anxiety is going to have her document and stick to the rules. Cue more panic when approaching US Customs. Of course, all was fine and I was through, bag dropped and used that time to find a spot at a bar, have some food, and have random strangers strike up conversation. It's accent - gets people every time when I'm travelling!

They all want to hear me talk [Source]

So, needless to say that's the first time I've ever missed a flight, had a panic attack mid flight and needed Valium just to get through a day. I could have sat and cried - believe me, I wanted to do that in Toronto airport, in fact, I didn't want to actually leave Toronto airport - but I didn't. I kept going and kept strong. I decided to look at it as showing me that I am still capable of doing things at the moment and also I am able to work through the anxiety, even when alone.

Have you ever had a travel issue which has made you realise how strong you were?

To-do lists just got serious...

My life has taken quite a frantic pace as of late. I am having more responsibilities at work and this brings new challenges. The problem is that I am having to slowly adapt my lifestyle to support my health now. I worked myself into the ground through various personal issues and family loss. I am now beginning to emerge again and hopefully make it through without an burn out.

To help me I am utilising to do lists. I have tried them before and failed. I begin to make lists and get so overwhelmed by everything I have to do I stop looking at it. But, through discussion with my therapist we have decided it would be a good step to try and develop. Breaking my 'necessary' jobs into manageable parts. 

True story...[Source]

I have to do lists on my fridge for daily jobs to complete before I go to bed. Then I can wake up in the morning without anxiety over what I haven't done and decided to 'leave until the morning'. Whenever I leave things to the morning I can guarantee I will wish I'd done it the night before. Now that stress and anxiety over little things has gone.

Work however is a different matter. I have work coming out of my ears it feels so trying to narrow down what is necessary and unnecessary is proving more difficult. I have turned to my to do list template to try and help me focus and choose ACHIEVABLE goals for how many I will complete from list.

It is going to take some time but I am serious about this - I know I need to try and get my work/life balance in order and I think this could help me. I currently have 2 'To do lists'. One for my daily school jobs and another for all the sports obs which are specific to my coordinator's role in the school. 

My current sports to do list ... work in progress.

I am trying to cut everything down to only what is needed. I actually stopped myself from doing something today as I deemed it was 'uneccesary' - I praised myself as this is not something I do well. I am hoping this is the start of my getting my life more balanced. I can only but try!

What tips to you have for organising daily jobs?