My 2013 inventory - regret, changes and love.

What can I say about 2013 other than it pretty much sucked. I have had a struggle both mentally and physically and this is one struggle I am still working on. I thought 2013 was going to be a better year after the awfulness of 2012, but it wasn't to be. This year my inventory was actually easy to fill in. I have regret for not accepting help sooner and that is something I will always look back at and think - Why did I wait so long?

My 2013 Inventory

In 2014, I gained a greater understanding of my body and mind.

I lost happiness and joy of life.

I stopped caring about myself.

I started therapy.

I was hugely satisfied by making it through a difficult academic year.

And frustrated by struggling with depression and illness.

I am so embarrassed that I had to began treatment for depression and anxiety.

Once again, I had feelings for someone who does not treat me how I deserve.

Once again, I put others before myself.

The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is my hair is longer.

The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is that I have been diagnosed with depression and I know I'm not just broken and unhappy.

I loved having a couple of fantastic friends who have cared for me.

Why did I spend even two minutesthinking he could be different.

I should have spent more time looking after my body and mind.

I regret not accepting help sooner.

I will never regret giving therapy a second chance.

I am hard on myself way too much.

I didn’t see my issues before it was too late.

I nearly drove me crazy.

The most relaxing place I went was my living room.

Why did I not see there were health issues from the start of the year, rather than thinking it was just exhaustion.

The best thing I did for someone else was be there for them.

The best thing I did for myself was accept help for my depression.

The best thing someone did for me was support me and persist in looking after me (Doctor).

The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, be honest.

(Fill-in-the-blank template from Mary Schmich at The Chicago Tribune)


I hope you all had a beautiful New Year and I hope to be back in the New Year having found my blogging mojo again!

Find Me twitter/bloglovin/pinterest/instagram 

Doctor, doctor...

It's a new year and so far it hasn't treated me as well as I hoped. Being ill just makes me feel a little off kilter and not ready to see the possibilities of the new year.Also, Dr Google has correctly (obviously, everything is the truth on the Internet) diagnosed me with both sinusitis, glandular fever and flu. Who needs a real life doctor?

You can always get an appointment with Dr Google... {source}

I am however planning a few changes in my life and in the blog sense. It wont be the layout because I quite like the look I have but there will be a few new things for you all. I know I've been rather up and down posting this past few months but I'm ready to blog it out again. 

I want to say a big thank you to those readers who have came back and started to join me on my journey once again. That and your lovely comments are very much appreciated and put a smile on my face! 

Please tell me I am not the only one to have turned to Dr Google for advice?

New Year, New Reflections...

Happy New Year!

This New Year has been somewhat bittersweet for me. I am grateful for my family and friends around me and I spent New Year being happy which is not something I thought was going to be possible. At the turn of midnight I thought of my brother and how much I missed him but how happy he would be to see me smiling.

When a new year begins, you inevitably look back on what has passed and looking back over 2012 has not been the easiest. It is hard to reflect back on a year where you had such little control of big situations. What I can say, hand on heart, is that I have developed a strength which I didn't think I had. I can think of a particular moment when I thought that that was that. It was a moment where I sat and thought, this is it - I can't carry on anymore. I genuinely wondered if, at the moment, I was having an actual breakdown.

Given the weight on my shoulders it would not have surprised me one bit. Between grief, sadness, work and my own issues there was not much else I could take. I pulled myself together, got one with things and carried on my life. As I previously mentioned, I found a strength I did not know I had. Life can be so generous in some moments but in others it deals a cruel hand. I have been on the receiving end of this but now I have to look forward. I can not let the past ruin me and make me feel so inconsolable. 

How long it will take me to move past this feeling I don't know. What I can say is that today I woke up feeling positive and that things can and will get better. I may not have control of everything but I can take control of my mind again. 2013 is not going to be easy, there will be more firsts without my beloved brother but there will also be new firsts for me as a growing woman trying to my way in this world.

To start my new year I have completed my 2012 inventory. If you're new to my blog, this is what started this little piece of the internet which is all mine. I am not one for setting resolutions but I feel reflection is important to help me grow and continue with the successful parts of my life and find ways to improve areas which don't quite work. So, with that is mind, here are my reflections from the year:


My 2012 Inventory

In 2012, I gained a strength I never knew I was capable of.

I lost one of my big brother's to cancer. 

I stopped believing in things being ok.

I started to have faith in myself.

I was hugely satisfied by staying strong when all I wanted to do was fall apart.

And frustrated by life and how it can change so quickly.

I am so embarrassed that I still can not be stringer when it comes to a certain person in my life.

Once again, I let work take over my life on far too many occasions. 

Once again, I accepted behaviour which I should not.

The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is my eyes and weight. My eyes still hold a certain sadness from the events of the year. I want my smile to reach them again. I've also lost weight through stress.

The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is that I am at a low point in my mind and life. I need to find some happiness in the new year and begin to pull myself out of my black hole.

I loved my big brother unconditionally, my family and friends.

Why did I spend even two minutes thinking I was making the wrong decision to travel solo?

I should have spent more time sleeping...again.

I regret nothing. 

I will never regret spending lots of time with my amazing brother.

I worry about the small things way too much.

I didn’t spend enough time looking after my body and mind.

Stress nearly drove me crazy.

The most relaxing place I went was South Molle Island - The Whitsunday Islands in Australia.

Why did I not say I love you to my brother the last day I spoke to him properly...you never know how quick life will go.

The best thing I did for someone else was be there and support them with love through their hard times and give comfort through their suffering.

The best thing I did for myself was spend the summer in Australia.

The best thing someone did for me was was to be there and support me through some extremely tough moments and worked to make me smile again.

The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, is to continue to be honest and open with as many people as I can and live the life I want to live.

(Fill-in-the-blank template from Mary Schmich at The Chicago Tribune)

*My words from the year...

What were your biggest achievements of 2012?

* Made using wordle

Blog birthday and 2011 reflections...

Welcome to 2012 everyone!!! Hope you all had a wonderful celebration and you're bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to take on 2012!!! After my favourite posts of 2011 it is now time to reflect the year on a personal level.

Before I begin to reflect my 2011, I must celebrate 2 important blog milestones:

My blog birthday!!! 

Yes...As of today my blog is one. This time last year I stumbled upon a blog recapping their 2010 and I decided to do the same and thought why not blog it? I wasn't in the best of places back then, I remember sitting wondering why I let things which I can't control, affect how I felt. By writing, I have been able to focus my thoughts and get through many different moments when I just didn't know what to do. Also, through some amazing friendships I have learnt that no matter where in the world you are, there are people out there like yourself and are willing to help perfect strangers.

A collation of my blog to date!*

Also, as if I planned it, I have hit my 200th post!!! Yes..another excitement. As much as I enjoy blogging I was never sure that it would be something which I would continue. I'm the type of person who lacks a lot of concentration and get bored with things very easily. I thought my blog would be one of them. However, after 199 posts, many wonderful comments, feeling like I've helped people and the gaining of friendships I am still here. Just with anything in life, it's what you make of it. I feel like I've made quite a lot of it. Maybe I've somewhat tailed off the last couple of months but unfortunately illness, work and a couple personal things have got in the way but I have missed the blog and will be back!!

My 2011 Inventory

In 2011, I gained independence and great friendships.

I lost a feeling of worthlessness.

I stopped feeling the need to please everyone.

I started asking for help more.

I was hugely satisfied by my change of attitude towards myself.

And frustrated by my indecisiveness.

I am so embarrassed that it has taken me till age 26 to realise that I need to make decisions based on my own wants and not be influenced by those around me so much.

Once again, I worked my ass off to give my class the best education I can possibly give them.

Once again, I revisited my past.

The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is my hair cut. I went for the chop!!!

The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is that I am stronger and work hard not to place blame upon myself for things I can not control. I'm not fully there but I'm definitely working on it.

I loved my family, friends and making amazing new friends!

Why did I spend even two minutes thinking I was making the wrong decision to travel solo?

I should have spent more time in silence and reflecting (kept from last year as I really didn't do it) and also sleeping.

I regret not being more straight to the point in some situations.

I will never regret revisiting the past.

I worry what others think of me way too much.

I didn’t sleep enough!

Work nearly drove me crazy.

The most relaxing place I went was on a bus travelling US and Canada. The most amazing place to think about life and love.

Why did I not look after my body better? Sleep, diet and relaxation!

The best thing I did for someone else was help bring them out of their down moments and make them smile even when they thought it was impossible.

The best thing I did for myself was challenge myself and in the process discover myself more.

The best thing someone did for me was to be a best friend when they'd only known me for 2 days. This has resulted in an amazing and honest friendship.

The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, even more open with new people. I don't like new people and I find the whole situation stressful. However, I managed to find a great friendship in doing so this year and hopefully next year I can become even more comfortable. I need to learn to trust more easily.

(Fill-in-the-blank template from Mary Schmich at The Chicago Tribune)

* Made using wordle.
 

What was your biggest achievement in 2011?