Time for changes...

Over the past few months my life has changed in a many ways I did not expect. They haven't been big, earth shattering like I experienced last year, but small, little changes that sort of crept up on me. My attitude to things has been shaped by last year's mis-fortunes and I am finally beginning to feel the shift. I view my own life as something which I need to constantly work on at the moment.

My attitude to work has been a big change lately. As a teacher, I invest my time, energy, tears and patience in my class. I work hard to provide an education which they will, hopefully, one day thank me for. That I realise is something I will never be able to change about myself however, the extra stresses I carry upon my shoulders I can do something about. I am a typical 'Yes' person and I will help anyone I can, much to my own detriment sometimes. I am now becoming more adept at realising when I need to say 'no'. By taking on everyone else's issues my shoulders have become over loaded and it's too difficult. I have begun to change my boundaries and decide if I have to do something. It's not the most easy attitude to adopt but I am working on it. 

I try not to go too Michael Scott on them...

My views on lifestyle have changed greatly too. Since being diagnosed with anaemia earlier in the year - I have become more careful about what I eat. I have realised that I am what I eat. Through changing my diet, I have felt fresher and more healthy. It took some time as I was a typical junk food girl. I ate for ease not for nutrients. The importance of a healthy diet has never been clearer to me than lately and I now feel like I crave healthy foods if I stray for a day or so.

I still love my cookies though...

My changes are small but these small changes are leading to bigger changes. I sometimes think 'What would it be like if I did x/y/z?' and maybe now I will start to pursue those ideas. I am open to change. I am not sure this is how it works but who knows? For now I am content with the small things. 

Time to evolve and grow...

Have you found yourself changing or growing this year?

Miss Independent...

In my early uni days and end of school I was very much a homebody. In fact, this affected where I went to Uni and what I studied. I was leaning towards child psychology but at the time, to study the more human side would have meant a move away. This is something which I did not want to do. Therefore I stayed and completed my teaching degree (which I love).

Over the past couple of years I have became more free and independent. I have travelled solo and had some amazing experiences. Through travelling I have made new friends, been inspired, grown as a person and learnt to be happy alone. Being happy alone is so important to be, I like to spend time to myself doing what I want and having quiet moments.

Lately, I have been thinking more about me as a person and I am finally feeling ready to share my life with someone. I have spent many a years being Miss Independent and running from relationships which I felt would become serious as I believed I would be 'held beack' in some ways from doing what I want and when I want. I am now however, beginning to change.

I am beginning to want something stable. A relationship which I know would not hold me back. All my time alone has made me a lot more head strong, I know that, but I also know that there is someone out there to take that on. Someone who would be happy to be with someone who knew what they wanted.  


“Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that."
~ Michael Leunigt.”
                                                                             


In no way am I saying I will go out and try to be in a relationship. I am happy to see what happens. I will not be the first to run or panic. I can calm down and begin to understand that just by being with a guy, my life does not have to stop. It means I have someone else to share things with. I am having a difficult time letting go of someone in my past (and he is struggling with me too) but I now feel ready for a proper relationship and this will help me gain closure with him.

Have you ever had a relationship epiphany of some sort?

New Year, New Reflections...

Happy New Year!

This New Year has been somewhat bittersweet for me. I am grateful for my family and friends around me and I spent New Year being happy which is not something I thought was going to be possible. At the turn of midnight I thought of my brother and how much I missed him but how happy he would be to see me smiling.

When a new year begins, you inevitably look back on what has passed and looking back over 2012 has not been the easiest. It is hard to reflect back on a year where you had such little control of big situations. What I can say, hand on heart, is that I have developed a strength which I didn't think I had. I can think of a particular moment when I thought that that was that. It was a moment where I sat and thought, this is it - I can't carry on anymore. I genuinely wondered if, at the moment, I was having an actual breakdown.

Given the weight on my shoulders it would not have surprised me one bit. Between grief, sadness, work and my own issues there was not much else I could take. I pulled myself together, got one with things and carried on my life. As I previously mentioned, I found a strength I did not know I had. Life can be so generous in some moments but in others it deals a cruel hand. I have been on the receiving end of this but now I have to look forward. I can not let the past ruin me and make me feel so inconsolable. 

How long it will take me to move past this feeling I don't know. What I can say is that today I woke up feeling positive and that things can and will get better. I may not have control of everything but I can take control of my mind again. 2013 is not going to be easy, there will be more firsts without my beloved brother but there will also be new firsts for me as a growing woman trying to my way in this world.

To start my new year I have completed my 2012 inventory. If you're new to my blog, this is what started this little piece of the internet which is all mine. I am not one for setting resolutions but I feel reflection is important to help me grow and continue with the successful parts of my life and find ways to improve areas which don't quite work. So, with that is mind, here are my reflections from the year:


My 2012 Inventory

In 2012, I gained a strength I never knew I was capable of.

I lost one of my big brother's to cancer. 

I stopped believing in things being ok.

I started to have faith in myself.

I was hugely satisfied by staying strong when all I wanted to do was fall apart.

And frustrated by life and how it can change so quickly.

I am so embarrassed that I still can not be stringer when it comes to a certain person in my life.

Once again, I let work take over my life on far too many occasions. 

Once again, I accepted behaviour which I should not.

The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is my eyes and weight. My eyes still hold a certain sadness from the events of the year. I want my smile to reach them again. I've also lost weight through stress.

The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is that I am at a low point in my mind and life. I need to find some happiness in the new year and begin to pull myself out of my black hole.

I loved my big brother unconditionally, my family and friends.

Why did I spend even two minutes thinking I was making the wrong decision to travel solo?

I should have spent more time sleeping...again.

I regret nothing. 

I will never regret spending lots of time with my amazing brother.

I worry about the small things way too much.

I didn’t spend enough time looking after my body and mind.

Stress nearly drove me crazy.

The most relaxing place I went was South Molle Island - The Whitsunday Islands in Australia.

Why did I not say I love you to my brother the last day I spoke to him properly...you never know how quick life will go.

The best thing I did for someone else was be there and support them with love through their hard times and give comfort through their suffering.

The best thing I did for myself was spend the summer in Australia.

The best thing someone did for me was was to be there and support me through some extremely tough moments and worked to make me smile again.

The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, is to continue to be honest and open with as many people as I can and live the life I want to live.

(Fill-in-the-blank template from Mary Schmich at The Chicago Tribune)

*My words from the year...

What were your biggest achievements of 2012?

* Made using wordle

So I began to write...

Lately I have sat down numerous times to try writing a post with some idea I had and I have never been able to finish it. I have saved drafts, thoughts in my head but no posts. I began to worry... of course this is not how I wanted to end up. A long blog block! Then last night I felt like writing in my journal and I did just that...wrote and wrote and then...wrote some more. It then occurred to me, that's what I should do here. I have always wrote what was on my mind and how I felt but that seems to have been forgotten. 

So I have sat down, ready to write for you all. 

I had a mini freak out last night because guess what - we're nearly half way through the year. Yep folks, it's coming up to June. Can you believe it? I  am truly shocked to feel like my life has just passed me by in a blur since New Year.

If you're a reader, then you know that New Year is not my favourite time and I don't make resolutions. That aside, I felt like this year was going to be good. Don't ask why, I just felt it. Well that didn't happen. Since January I have had a huge, life changing moment. As you know my brother was diagnosed with cancer. This has been a pretty hard pill to swallow. Never did I think my world would be turned upside down like this. I always thought I was a strong person but this was different, I have had to dig so deep to find strength some days. I have felt that I wasn't deserving of being happy because surely that's not fair when he is suffering? To say everything has passed so fast since finding this out until now is an understatement. I have suddenly came back into life and I've lost a good few months. I am now feeling hardened to the word cancer and dealing with things in a much more logical manner. My brother is progressing well and hopefully we shall get some good news in July to allow his to keep the same chemo treatment. If not then that bridge will be crossed when needed.

Last year, I discussed the idea of past being in the past and I decided to leave the past right there. Why is this important now? Well, this did not last, I didn't encounter my past in the way I thought I may have, but I did indeed end up back in contact. Since then things have been strange I guess. When someone from the past comes back inevitably you expect them to be the same but this person wasn't. I was very cautious and still am. As of late this person seemed to go through a phase which I didn't appreciate. I felt like I was giving and getting little back. Maybe last year or the year before that I'd have allowed this but this time I didn't. I did what I have always been unable to do and that was set some boundaries. I had a moment of feeling so proud of how I handled the situation and the response was that of respect and things have changed. It's left me thinking that I wish I'd found this back then. This change has been coming since I went away alone last year and is slowly developing. With other factors in my life as well as this, I am changing into a much stronger version of myself. 

As much as I feel this year has flown by in a blur, I feel thankful for the way it has shaped me. I am the same as I always have been but with a strength I never knew I had. What could be bad about that?