What is wrong with people?

I had my first therapy session of the New Year today and it was a difficult one. Lately, my medication has not seemed to be doing much for me and over Christmas I found myself sliding backwards again. This is disappointing to say the least, I felt like I was starting to improve and get back to myself. But no, I have slipped back into the clutches of depression and with going back to work I have felt rather 'off' lately.

 Work has been a difficult adjustment. After being away for so many weeks, I am having to get used to the school routine, the work itself, the morning and the social side of things. I am back 3 full days for the next few weeks and then it will be reviewed. 

One thing I have noticed, and not just exclusively to work, is that people are acting differently towards me. In school, those closest to me (in my year group phase) have been very distant. I have had my phase leader not even have a conversation with me at all since I returned just before Christmas. My teaching assistants have conversations with me when they support in class and that is all. Others around the school say hi and that's all.  I have a couple of close friends there which keep me going but I just can't believe the way people behave. 

I understand it is difficult to react when someone has been away for so long, especially when it is not common knowledge as to why I have been off. But surely a, "How you doing back? Are you settling in?" is not too much to ask. I find it alienating and making a difficult time even more difficult. One said to me, "You know, there's so much gone on while you're been off." Basically it felt like he was saying, you weren't here and you're not part of this. I know there have been words about me behind my back due to what I have seen or for example, the phone call I got yesterday regarding my hours next week. So and so said this to so and so who spoke to the office who spoke to ... blah blah blah. It was not true and I had not said it. Gossip. 

I understand that with my problems I am more concerned about the views of others and I am more sensitive to comments but I don't really know any other way to feel, other than upset, to people not talking to me like they used to. I discussed this with my therapist and asked:

"What is wrong with people?"

Do they think I've just been swanning about, shopping and going for coffee while they all worked hard? Are they worried that I will get upset? Whatever the reasoning, surely a hi, hows it going being back is not hard to do.

It's not just work colleagues. A close person in my life has suddenly drifted away. He actually knows what has been wrong and now I feel like he has just abandoned me. I have dealt with it by just not forcing contact. This time is when I need to be looking after me. I can still help others but if it will be detrimental to me, I need to back away. I am nowhere near being myself. I have feel back into quite a hopeless feeling again with no positivity at all. I have no energy trying to make other people feel better talking to me or forcing friendships. 

At the end of the day, that is their problem. I don't feel like everyone should be my nest friend, but just some respect would be nice. At this moment, being in work makes me miserable. Not a oh I don't like my job, and miserable, anxious, hopeless person.There are changes to be made but until I work on getting myself feeling more hopeful, these are nit changes that I can do.

I just wish those around me would respect and actually realise that their actions or lack of can upset someone and make them feel like they don't belong.

Have you ever been in a position when you just think, "What is wrong with people?" How did you deal?

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Mind and Body

Mind and Body - both are important to us and yet sometimes we forget the link they have, or at least I do. The past couple of weeks I have been searching the Internet for quotes to make me think and inspire me. My mind is not at a place I want it to be right now. My body needs to be worshipped and my mind needs to nurtured. Something I have not done in a long time. With that in mind, a good friend of mine sent me a link with 10 quotes to help you accept endings and embrace new beginnings. I was inspired after reading them and wanted to share with you all a couple of my favourites:

“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don't have to like it... it's just easier if you do.” – Byron Katie

“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” – C. S. Lewis

The website also has many different recipes and articles about looking after your mind and health. It is definitely worth a good read. If you would like to read more of these quotes and articles follow the link below:

MindBodyGreen

How do you nurture your mind?

Accepting depression in my life.

I have been quite open with some of my struggles as of late and today I am keeping that going. It is difficult to be so open but I want to be able to help others and if that means sharing my experiences then I am happy to.

For the past two weeks I have been taking Sertraline (Zoloft) to try and tackle the issues I have been dealing with. After many months of iron issues, attempts at therapy and discussion of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Depression, I have finally began to accept I am suffering from depression. Initially, my doctor broached the idea of depression earlier this year but I was adamant there was nothing the matter and that after iron help I would be fine. That didn't happen. The crushing fatigue I faced day in and day out did not ease. I had the odd good day but overall all I wanted to do was sleep, rest or just literally stay in bed.

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I began to understand there was an issue and that I had to find the issue and deal with it. So I spent my summer break resting and reading up on Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Depression. After much reading I began to see that my symptoms ( in reality - my life) was more concurrent with depression. The overwhelming nothingness of some days, the emotional tars which were cried - often for no reason- the inability to get out of bed or find any motivation to start the day and the daily living jobs which I just neglected. I did not share these feelings with many people at all.

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Through not sharing, I felt like I was able to try and push them away. The less I spoke of them the better. I admit that I was embarrassed by this. I felt like I had failed. Failed myself. Failed my family. Failed my late brother.

How had I not been able to cope with my life and ended up here? I was aware of what I went through last year and the personal illnesses which followed, however,why was I unable to deal with all these things. Surely it shouldn't have been that difficult? But it was.

At the end of the summer I visited my doctor once again. I discussed things and between us I decided to try anti-depressants. I have a problem and they are there to support and help. I want my life to be stable again. I want to be able to enjoy my life and the company of those around me. I have shared my situation with people around me but it's hard to be brutally honest. I am finding that, although extremely common, depression is still something very much mis-understood. People who are close to me, have even said, "Just find what makes you unhappy." But that's not what depression is. It's not a clear cut happy and sad situation. It's a cloud of darkness some days.

Have I fully accepted my situation? No. I still find myself fighting it and trying to just 'get on with it'. But slowly I am beginning to listen to my body and trying to slow down. My body and mind needs to heal. With a little help and TLC I hope I can reach the place I want to find again.

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Have you suffered from depression? Did you struggle to accept it?

Lazy Sunday...

1. What are 3 items you can’t live without on a daily basis (water, food, shelter, and clothes don’t count?
- Phone
- Laptop
- Music

2. What is your all time favourite book? Why?
I have different favourites for different times. One of my favourite ones though is 'I Heart NYC'. 

It's a book written by Lindsey Kelk about a woman who makes a spontaneous decision to move to New York. It's a fun read and definitely made me long to go back to NYC (which I did). 

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3. What is something you’d like to accomplish before the end of 2013? 
I would like to have amassed a good amount of savings after moving into my own place this year. I would also like to be better health wise after a tough year and to feel happy. 

4. If you could go back and relive any year of your life which year would it be?
Ooo, this is a tough one! In some ways I would like to relive last year because it was the final year with my brother. But I would also like to go back to when I was 22, starting my first job and beginning my life after University.

5. What do you wish people knew about you without you having to tell them?
That I am not as tough as I appear to be and that sometimes all I want is a hug. 

 

Happy Sunday to you all!

What could you not live without?