Accepting depression in my life.

I have been quite open with some of my struggles as of late and today I am keeping that going. It is difficult to be so open but I want to be able to help others and if that means sharing my experiences then I am happy to.

For the past two weeks I have been taking Sertraline (Zoloft) to try and tackle the issues I have been dealing with. After many months of iron issues, attempts at therapy and discussion of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Depression, I have finally began to accept I am suffering from depression. Initially, my doctor broached the idea of depression earlier this year but I was adamant there was nothing the matter and that after iron help I would be fine. That didn't happen. The crushing fatigue I faced day in and day out did not ease. I had the odd good day but overall all I wanted to do was sleep, rest or just literally stay in bed.

[Source]

I began to understand there was an issue and that I had to find the issue and deal with it. So I spent my summer break resting and reading up on Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Depression. After much reading I began to see that my symptoms ( in reality - my life) was more concurrent with depression. The overwhelming nothingness of some days, the emotional tars which were cried - often for no reason- the inability to get out of bed or find any motivation to start the day and the daily living jobs which I just neglected. I did not share these feelings with many people at all.

[Source]

Through not sharing, I felt like I was able to try and push them away. The less I spoke of them the better. I admit that I was embarrassed by this. I felt like I had failed. Failed myself. Failed my family. Failed my late brother.

How had I not been able to cope with my life and ended up here? I was aware of what I went through last year and the personal illnesses which followed, however,why was I unable to deal with all these things. Surely it shouldn't have been that difficult? But it was.

At the end of the summer I visited my doctor once again. I discussed things and between us I decided to try anti-depressants. I have a problem and they are there to support and help. I want my life to be stable again. I want to be able to enjoy my life and the company of those around me. I have shared my situation with people around me but it's hard to be brutally honest. I am finding that, although extremely common, depression is still something very much mis-understood. People who are close to me, have even said, "Just find what makes you unhappy." But that's not what depression is. It's not a clear cut happy and sad situation. It's a cloud of darkness some days.

Have I fully accepted my situation? No. I still find myself fighting it and trying to just 'get on with it'. But slowly I am beginning to listen to my body and trying to slow down. My body and mind needs to heal. With a little help and TLC I hope I can reach the place I want to find again.

[Source]

Have you suffered from depression? Did you struggle to accept it?

When you don't know what is wrong... what do you do?

I'm going to be honest today with you all and this may take some time so stick with me. This past year I have had health issues, major life stresses and a family bereavemnet. To say my life has been difficult is an understatemnt but I was strong and I made it through.

I am now having to find a different type of strength. As I have discussed previously on my blog, I suffered with a number of viruses, anaemia, sinus issues and to top it all off tonsillitis. It sounds a lot and let me tell you, it really was. I even visited a therapist. It wiped me out and I kept going and going. Looking back now I should have had some time out. My body was practically screaming at me to stop and take stock but I kept pushing.

Through this time I began to suffer major fatigue. Not just feeling tired, it was like walking through thick mud. My memory went, my sleep patterns were just no more. I was lucky to get 2 hours uninterrupted sleep a night (which had been going on from last year). I was having blood tests time and time again which eventually showed my iron levels were improving - they weren't great but the were just under the low end of normal so from where I was this was a massive improvement.

Being a teacher I was thrilled for my summer holidays to have started. This was it, this would be my time to pick myself up and get better but that didn't happen.

And relax! [Source]

Throughout the summer I have had good days, bad days and days which just pass in a blur. Let me explain. The fatigue I suffer from is exhausting, I wake up and I can't get out of bed. I lay and try and try but I just can't move. When I do, I can't do much before having to rest again. I have a fog which hangs around me, I sit transfixed by nothing, unable to motivate myself. I wouldn't say I am sad, I just don't feel happy. It's like things pass me by and I can't join in. Things I need to do just don't get done or they take me days.

Thank you ... [source]

My latest visit to the doctor ended up with me breaking down. We have established that my iron is not low enough to be causing this fatigue and I told her I was just going to get on with it (my usual reaction). Her response surprised me, "I am not happy letting you leave here and me at your age dealing with what you're dealing with to just get on with it. I need to figure out how to help."

Why was I shocked? Because I am used to people just accepting what I say and leaving me be. I know she's a professional but at that point I cried... cried because I felt she cared, cried because I knew at that point she was really going to try and help me.

In past visits she has discussed the possibility of me suffering Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. This if you don't know is a debilitating condition which is primarily linked to fatigue. This session, like past she also discussed the possibility of depression. Again, something we have discussed. I reminded her that I didn't have anything to be depressed about particularly. She said after the year or so I have had I need to be less hard on myself and that sometimes it is just a chemical in balance.

We really don't know. So as this posts, I will have been to a second doctor. She has chosen a specific doctor for me to visit for a second opinion to make sure she isn't missing anything and to give us a fresh take on things. For now, I really don't know what to do. The whole situation is somewhat frustrating and something which I want to solve. I am pretty sure she is leaning more towards the depression side of things but it just is not clear.

Now this hasn't been prescribed yet...

So here I am. At the age of 28 - suffering from some issue which can not be pinpointed and it sucks. I spent time last week trying to deal with this and I don't know if can. I am not sure what decisions to make or which road to go down. I find petty problems others have difficult because all I want to shout is 'Who cares?'.... I just want to be better and I don't know how to do it!! Times like this make me feel like a crap friend. But I can truly say that the doctor not taking my 'I'm fine' response seriously was the first time that has happened and secretly... I wish my friends would do that more. See through all the walls I build and just be there for me.

[Source]

Have you suffered from depression or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome? Or have you ever been ill and not know what was wrong?