Lately I have sat down numerous times to try writing a post with some idea I had and I have never been able to finish it. I have saved drafts, thoughts in my head but no posts. I began to worry... of course this is not how I wanted to end up. A long blog block! Then last night I felt like writing in my journal and I did just that...wrote and wrote and then...wrote some more. It then occurred to me, that's what I should do here. I have always wrote what was on my mind and how I felt but that seems to have been forgotten.
So I have sat down, ready to write for you all.
I had a mini freak out last night because guess what - we're nearly half way through the year. Yep folks, it's coming up to June. Can you believe it? I am truly shocked to feel like my life has just passed me by in a blur since New Year.
If you're a reader, then you know that New Year is not my favourite time and I don't make resolutions. That aside, I felt like this year was going to be good. Don't ask why, I just felt it. Well that didn't happen. Since January I have had a huge, life changing moment. As you know my brother was diagnosed with cancer. This has been a pretty hard pill to swallow. Never did I think my world would be turned upside down like this. I always thought I was a strong person but this was different, I have had to dig so deep to find strength some days. I have felt that I wasn't deserving of being happy because surely that's not fair when he is suffering? To say everything has passed so fast since finding this out until now is an understatement. I have suddenly came back into life and I've lost a good few months. I am now feeling hardened to the word cancer and dealing with things in a much more logical manner. My brother is progressing well and hopefully we shall get some good news in July to allow his to keep the same chemo treatment. If not then that bridge will be crossed when needed.
Last year, I discussed the idea of past being in the past and I decided to leave the past right there. Why is this important now? Well, this did not last, I didn't encounter my past in the way I thought I may have, but I did indeed end up back in contact. Since then things have been strange I guess. When someone from the past comes back inevitably you expect them to be the same but this person wasn't. I was very cautious and still am. As of late this person seemed to go through a phase which I didn't appreciate. I felt like I was giving and getting little back. Maybe last year or the year before that I'd have allowed this but this time I didn't. I did what I have always been unable to do and that was set some boundaries. I had a moment of feeling so proud of how I handled the situation and the response was that of respect and things have changed. It's left me thinking that I wish I'd found this back then. This change has been coming since I went away alone last year and is slowly developing. With other factors in my life as well as this, I am changing into a much stronger version of myself.
As much as I feel this year has flown by in a blur, I feel thankful for the way it has shaped me. I am the same as I always have been but with a strength I never knew I had. What could be bad about that?
