What should I do?

Ok, so today I am just asking you to go with me... I don't quite know where I am going with this post.

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I am starting to feel less guilty about not being at work while I work on my health. This was tough as I am so used to being on the go and looking after others. There are a few issues which are also starting to come to light through my therapy sessions in relation to my work and life balance.

This time off is making me think about my career and what I want to do with my life. At 28, I am not old but most people I know seem to have it altogether and know that what they're doing is exactly the right thing. However, here I am questioning the only job I've ever known. 

At 7 years of teaching I could talk you senseless about my job. I know there has been many time when, after talking about work, do I notice the glazed look in people's eyes after going on too much. I love the feeling of enabling children to be learners and to discover the world around them. As a teacher I provide them with the tools and information to make it in the world. Also, for some, I am their only role model and that is something which carries a great weight. Just being able to help and nurture makes me happy.

Why the problem? Well, regardless of what the press states, we teachers do not start work at 9 and leave at 3.30. I clock up 8-6.30 days, then I work till 11pm. On the weekend I will work most a Sunday afternoon until late. Then factor in the busy weeks, the after school clubs, the extra responsibilities I have in school, the fact I don't get lunch breaks some days and the days in our holidays spent in school or doing school work. Now I am not getting into a 'teacher's have it bad' discussion, I am just trying to explain that our jobs are not as clear cut as some people would have you think.

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Due to the workload I feel like I struggle to get that work/life balance. I want a family and to be a good mother. I don't want to be the mother who can't spend time with her kids because she's too busy. I know this is an ideal world these days but it's something to aim for. The numbers and figures and accountability of teachers leaves me discouraged. I want to teach the children not have to spend most my spare time crunching data and ticking boxes.

So what else is there for me to do? Is there anything? Or is this self doubt about my own ability just thanks to the evil that is depression. I really don't know and if you've stuck reading this so far - well done. As I started, I don't really have much of a clue where I am going. I am highly anxious about returning to the school environment and if I'm being honest I don't want to. But when I state this out loud I just see my class in my mind and wish I could be standing in front of them, teaching a fabulous lesson. 

360 Degrees I would say [Source]

So, after an afternoon looking at a range of other jobs in the education sector I am at a loss. I don't know what I want - except chocolate. Chocolate is always what I want. But life? Career? Location? I am really not sure. All I do know is that I am definitely making the most of this time thinking about what I truly want from life and how I can achieve that.

Now I am off to watch The Office and wish I could work there. What do you mean - is not a real life documentary?

Have you ever had a big career change for the best? How did you decide?

Mr Past...

I remember about a year ago, talking about revisiting the past and whether I should make that trip. I did and I am still there. Many warned once it was the past to leave it but circumstance which led to this person being in the past were rather different to the usual. I then thought about chance and what to do when you give someone a chance, only for them to not take it or to just leave it?

This person in my life, Mr Past,  has actually been very important to me throughout the year as he has made me feel happy when I've been so sad and motivated me when I thought I couldn't go on. Between the two of us we have given the other a kind of security blanket. He is not in the same country as me anymore and this is where the difficulty with Mr Past and me lies. 

We have a connection but also have the distance there between us. When we first met, Mr Past was here where I am and then had to make the journey home. Obviously, readers of this blog will know that we lost contact only for me to have the opportunity to make a change to this last year. I did and that was the spark to light the flame it seemed. 

However, it has now been a year and we are still in that same place where - apart but scared to make a change. We've had many a conversation which have led that way but never quite got to the end of it. We have also had a couple of 'breaks' where we have tried to take time away from one another to have space but always end up back in contact.

In my head I tell myself it's because neither of us want it enough. Maybe that is true? But after a year of constant contact, Mr Past and myself should start to try and get this sorted don't you think? 

At the moment, I feel like I am standing at a cross roads and there are two ways to go. There really are only 2 different options here and I feel like sooner rather than later the decision must be made. 

I just don't know what that decision is just yet.