What can I say? I am emotional and sensitive right now. I am finding myself starting sentences with, "I feel like..." or "I'm not happy today." I have begun to censor my feelings though, I feel guilty for being so negative. Responses I get are, "Just keep positive." Well, if you've ever suffered from depression, you will know this is one of the hardest things to hear.
I don't choose to be negative. I want to be happy but there is something in my mind that just says you can't be. I spent a whole year pretending to be happy and that was just as exhausting and hard. When I try and be honest, I see the look in people's eyes and I can tell they are uncomfortable and don't know what to say, hence the positive line.
Since returning to work, I have felt isolated and I can see that people just don't want to speak to me. Most people don't know why I was off for 10 weeks but hey know I was unwell. Most people just say hi and then those staff who I were close to, just haven't barely spoken to me. It's like they expect me to just crumble and cry. Maybe the fact that in my part of the school I am the only female affects things. It feels like any emotion or feelings talk can not be handled do I am just left alone.
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| So wise Zooey [Pinterest] |
It's a difficult way to be, drowning in your own feelings yet having to keep them all in. Today I was told I looked brighter and better than last week. Yet no one asked me if I was ok last week and I clearly looked like crap. Thanks to some good make-up I have clearly managed to put a mask up, like I did all last year, and conform to the keep quiet and only share happy, happy thoughts.
Do you ever feel like unless you're happy, that you are expected to just 'shut up and put up'?
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