Goodbye to my blog...

It has been rather quiet on Take All Chances lately and that has not been a choice I wanted to make. When I first started my blog, it was annoymous and I wrote what I wanted. As the years (yes, years) went on, I felt more comfortable to let people know that I blogged. I even began to let people see my design. I never expected anyone I knew to read it. Or at least if they did I would know.

I have always said exactly what was on my mind and found this place to be invaluable in supporting myself. Through the blog I have made a range of friends, as well as lifelong friends (That's you Miss Rebecca!). By being able to feel I can post my thoughts allowed me to be honest and sort through my mind.

I did not realise, that for years, my inner thoughts have maybe not been as annoymous as I have thought. What I post on here is not exactly things I don't share with my friends, but it is topics and thoughts which maybe are not the easiest to share or thoughts which I choose who and when I will share them with. 

I don't feel like I am able to feel comfortable posting on my blog, the inner thoughts and my full honesty anymore. That is a sad time for me as my blog has always been something which I have loved and felt proud of. It gave me a reason and a voice when I sometimes felt like I had neither. So today, I am posting my last post on my blog. I have enjoyed my time blogging, and hopefully in the future I will be back on some other blog. When I am, I pretty sure I will be connecting with some of you wonderful people once again.

But as for Take All Chances, it is not a place where I feel comfortable or think I am able to find the joy in posting anymore. I want to thank all you fabulous bloggers in supporting me in my little world for so many years and I would be so happy to have emails from those who would like to stay in contact. Feel free to email me:

takeallchances (@) gmail (dot) com

Typing this post has made me genuinely upset and I am sad to see my 4 years (plus)  end here. But, I hope to be back sooner rather than later in some other form! 

Thank you bloggers.

Missy xxx

Self Harm - Part of Me

Two weeks ago was the first time I self harmed by cutting my own skin. I did not want to cause great harm, and to be honest I wasn't even sure why I was doing it. I just did. How did I feel afterwards? I felt ok. It stung a little and I didn't mind. The cuts weren't deep and didn't draw blood but the sting was a feeling.

I spent the week glancing and the three little cuts at various points during the day and I liked them. I could see something on me and it was almost like I saw my own pain. All the pain that has been in my head, I could finally see. It was a comfort almost. After a pretty horrifically stressful week at work it was nice to control my own pain.

 

I then did it a 2nd and 3rd time over the following week and a half, in the same areas mainly but added an extra one. Again, nothing deep and large. I didn't bother covering my arms because I like to see them. I notice other people glance at them and nothing is said. I haven't had anyone ask me what's happened, or have I caught myself anywhere. No one asks.

Is it because they know? Is it because they don't care? Is it because they aren't comfortanble with the thought of someone hurting themselves that they don't want to talk about it because they're scared? I don't care because it's not about others. It's about me.

I have discussed this with my therapist to try and rationalise my thoughts and actions. It is good to be able to discuss something, which I know logically is not a good outlet for my depression, with someone who doesn't judge and can talk about it with me. This weekend I talked about my current struggle with food. When I become anxious I eat less and lately, as I have took another dip, eating has too. I blame the anti depressants for messing with my stomach and myslef for forgetting to take stomach tablets or anxiety. She however raised the thought that my control of what I eat and when could also be some sort of self harm which could become more serious.

This actually rang true. I had never thought of it like that. But now I think, I often have thoughts of, "Well I'll just not eat lunch" as if I am punishing myself or others. Again, logically this is wrong. But how do you battle these thoughts? How do you turn these negatives into positives when in the moment all you want to do is find some way of seeing the pain on the outside?

I never thought I would be the girl to self harm. But I also didn't think I would be the girl to suffer with depression and anxiety. Life shocks us sometimes and we gotta keep going and find the ways to work around these and accept our lot.

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I'm just a girl...

* I'm just a girl who doesn't know where she wants to be.

* I'm just a girl who loves her job but hates where she works.

* I'm just a girl who now self harms.

* I'm just a girl that uses no food as punishment when I am feeling sad.

* I'm just a girl who needs anti-depressants to function on a daily basis.

* I 'm just a girl trying to find her 'me' again.

* I'm just the girl who will try and push everyone away from me thinking it's best for them.

* I'm just a girl looking for some direction in my life.

*I'm just a girl with issues to deal with.

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I'm still here...

So this is awkward, Ive had such a break I almost don't know how to blog anymore. I didn't make a conscious decision to step away from my blog, it just sorta happened. I was beginning to feel better and that was great, but I was still suffering from extreme fatigue and the blogging was the part which had to go.

Having been on a new set of anti-depressants since February, I can finally say I am beginning to see a massive improvement in myself and others are no noticing too. I would say within the past 5 weeks I have felt more stable and in the last 2 I have seen a improvement in my energy and mood. I can't explain how good this makes me feel, I've been on anti-depressants since September and I have suffered with clinical depression since last January without even accepting it. As well as anxiety and stress.

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Now that I am starting to feel part of life again, I can see (finally) how far I have come and the strength which I have shown. Feeling like I was making progress was something I could not do, but now I have the big step I can see it. I feel like I am in life now and not just watching it pass me by. I can't say I will be back to blogging with the frequency I once was. But I will be blogging when I feel like I can. 

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Part of getting myself better is not placing expectations on myself and then feeling disappointed when I can not meet them. As much as I love blogging, I have to apply it to this as well. All parts of my life, whether it's work, fun times, shopping etc. I have to  set boundaries. Small steps at a time.

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I hope everyone in the land of blogging is well and I look forward to getting back into things!

If you haven't already, check out my other links and follow along with me.

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'It'd be nice if you could pull me into town...'

This week has been (dare I say it) a relatively good week for me. After my temper tantrum Saturday and a relaxed Sunday I have been trying to focus on my calmness and the acceptance that each day may not be easy. I felt a lot of anxiety on Monday and sat writing down my 'anxieties' while I had breakfast which worked well - it was as if that helped me to 'let go'. Maybe now is the time I am ready to begin thinking more toward CBT? It's too early to say, all I can say is that I have had a number of happy moments this week and I have had drive.

I came across a few things on Pinterest which I have looked at in mornings to cheer me and which make me laugh. Now it has been years since I have watched Napoleon Dynamite but I cam across some movie stills and quotes which have just cheered me up no end today so I wanted to share them with you all and put a smile on your face!

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What has made you smile this week?

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