Self Harm - Part of Me

Two weeks ago was the first time I self harmed by cutting my own skin. I did not want to cause great harm, and to be honest I wasn't even sure why I was doing it. I just did. How did I feel afterwards? I felt ok. It stung a little and I didn't mind. The cuts weren't deep and didn't draw blood but the sting was a feeling.

I spent the week glancing and the three little cuts at various points during the day and I liked them. I could see something on me and it was almost like I saw my own pain. All the pain that has been in my head, I could finally see. It was a comfort almost. After a pretty horrifically stressful week at work it was nice to control my own pain.

 

I then did it a 2nd and 3rd time over the following week and a half, in the same areas mainly but added an extra one. Again, nothing deep and large. I didn't bother covering my arms because I like to see them. I notice other people glance at them and nothing is said. I haven't had anyone ask me what's happened, or have I caught myself anywhere. No one asks.

Is it because they know? Is it because they don't care? Is it because they aren't comfortanble with the thought of someone hurting themselves that they don't want to talk about it because they're scared? I don't care because it's not about others. It's about me.

I have discussed this with my therapist to try and rationalise my thoughts and actions. It is good to be able to discuss something, which I know logically is not a good outlet for my depression, with someone who doesn't judge and can talk about it with me. This weekend I talked about my current struggle with food. When I become anxious I eat less and lately, as I have took another dip, eating has too. I blame the anti depressants for messing with my stomach and myslef for forgetting to take stomach tablets or anxiety. She however raised the thought that my control of what I eat and when could also be some sort of self harm which could become more serious.

This actually rang true. I had never thought of it like that. But now I think, I often have thoughts of, "Well I'll just not eat lunch" as if I am punishing myself or others. Again, logically this is wrong. But how do you battle these thoughts? How do you turn these negatives into positives when in the moment all you want to do is find some way of seeing the pain on the outside?

I never thought I would be the girl to self harm. But I also didn't think I would be the girl to suffer with depression and anxiety. Life shocks us sometimes and we gotta keep going and find the ways to work around these and accept our lot.

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Love ... Like Crazy.

I haven't exactly had it easy in the love life department lately. I have myself pushing friends away so having time for romance has not really been on the agenda. The one person who I had let myself trust however, made me realise that my fear of rejection was correct. That I need my walls because when I finally let them down, he vanished. 

He has since came back but I just find it difficult to deal with the 'just friends' tag. I said I was fine to myself but I am not. I realise now that I fell and fell hard. Where I go from here I do not know. I tried to push him away and annoy him so much I would not hear from him, which he always said would not happen. But it seems like I was pretty good as I have not heard in 3 days now. Maybe he's busy or maybe I was just successful.

Either way I am at a crossroads here and I am going to sit down. I don't like making decisions and I can not deal with emotionally draining situations right now.

Can I just bury my head and pretend he never existed? Pretty please?

 

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Grief reveals you...

" Grief does not change you, it reveals you."

John Green

Grief is something which I have had to deal with for 18 days now. Yep, I am counting in days still. It has been 18 days since my big brother lost his battle with cancer and left the world which I am still in. 

Has it gotten easier? Yes - doesn't everything after time?

Am I feeling better? No.

When asked how I am doing, I never know how to answer. Do people really want to know my answer and listen to me or are they being polite and doing what they believe is expected? I never know and for that reason I keep my cards close to my chest. I usually respond with, " Yea, one day at a time." Which is really not something I am taking comfort in at the very moment.

The quote which I have started with definitely rang true to me when I read it. It isn't changing me, more revealing a strength I didn't know I had which is obviously because I have never needed to use it before. When my Grandparents passed away, I was upset but this is something totally different. I feel like this was not the time for him to leave us. The longer time passes, I realise just how selfish this is of me of course. Why should ha have suffered more just because I want to talk to him again?

I have had to find the strength to do such simple everyday things. At work, I have gradually grew comfortable being in front of my class again. When I first returned I felt anxious with all their eyes watching me when I was unsure of whether I could get through a lesson without breaking down. In fact, many of my moments of fun this week have been in my classroom when the children have been excited about something or have shared stories with me or just seeing them laughing. 

One thing my brother began to instill in us all is to find the beauty in simple pleasures and hearing a child laugh is one of those. I take pleasure in the sun shine on cold November days and feel like it's him smiling at me. I am delving into books and reading a lot, anything to take my mind to a different place helps me.

By revealing my strength and patience and fragility (to some), I am beginning to adapt my outlook on life and relationships with all in my life. These life changing moments test the strongest friendships and I hate to say but I feel some of mine have failed. Some however, I feel like I am letting fail, a good friend of mine is having issues with her work but I am pushing her away. Not to hurt her or that I don't want her around, I just am not ready to help her deal with her problems because I am so heartbroken with my grief. I have found my patience - which is something I have always been known for - has gone. It will come back but I know this will take time. I am being selfish because at this moment I need to find myself in a more secure and safe space in my own thoughts and life. 

I guess my grief is revealing me to be a stronger person than some thought. Many people have called me brave for returning to work so soon - and what a tough week it has been. But in some ways I have to disagree with the quote, there is no way NOT to change when dealing with grief. I am not the same person I was in that I have fears over things which I never had, I have something missing from me which was has always been there and I have a unnerving sadness in me which can not be softened at this moment. 

Time is passing, I am becoming more settled, but I already know that a little gap in my heart will be there forever now. The break will heal and patch up but that gap will not.

Thank you for all the blog love comments of support and kindness ... I appreciate them all, you wonderful people. 

When everything falls apart...

It is no secret that I have had a difficult year. My post earlier in the year about my brother's Cancer was one of the lowest times I've ever encountered. I didn't think I would end up back there again ... and then Friday night happened.

I recieved a message after work to say my brother had been taken into hospital. Various things were wrong, mainly severe dehydration due to sickness all week. We all knew the previous chemotherapy session had been difficult and I assumed it would be a case of rehydration, maybe anti-sickness drugs and then a final push with the last chemo session before the final scan. 

How things can change and fall apart so quickly is quite scary. I visited him on Saturday and was not prepared for what I saw. My big brother looking anything but. From the pale and gaunt face, to the fragile body and the man with not even enough energy to move - everything about him screamed sadness. I pasted the smile on my face and sat next to him. I helped him move, talked to him, made him smile and at some points just sat with him in quietness. At this point we didn't know what was causing the sudden dramatic turn in his health. 

I now wish I was still in that not knowing stage because when I was with him today the doctor explained the cause. After a CT scan, it appears that the cancer (which we were told in July had reduced) had now spread to join onto his pancreas and in turn was pushing into his stomach. While the doctor was explaining this I sat, stunned and kept looking between my brother and the two doctors wondering if someone was going to laugh and say they were joking. But, that never happened. It was real and there was no maybe about the situation.

I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream or just jump up and shout, "It's not fair." But I didn't. I sat still, nodded my head and shook the doctors hand as he left and soaked up the heavy atmosphere he'd left in the air with his comments. Talk then moved to discussion of the operation which would be scheduled in the next couple of days and the unsaid was the next round of impending chemotherapy which will be coming his way.

I would say I have never felt this low but it's not true. I had the first kick earlier this year and it looks like it's going to finish the same way. I am putting my effort into controlling the sadness but it's difficult, I just want to cry and blame someone. But neither will help him. I now need to balance out my emotions for work in the morning, another hurdle to overcome. 

I must believe... {source}

Thank you for listening if you're still reading - I am hoping to be able to share some positive news with you all soon!