What kind words have you said to yourself today?

I have been told, a number of times this last few months, that I am too hard on myself. When I was struggling and not understanding what was actually wrong with me, I was unbelievably rough on myself. On my bad days I would often tell myself, "Pull yourself together, what's wrong with you?" and then push to get on with the day. 

I am now learning to not be so hard on myself. I am a natural nurturer with others and I am often identified as the teacher who can deal with the troubled children and provide the emotional support. My calming nature is a positive side of me but I don't give the emotional support to myself. I have been told I set myself too high expectations and sometimes when I push on, I should just accept that I can't change my mood and let it be. This I am getting better with. 

I am and I can't change that. [Source]

I am having to start pushing back the negative thoughts and the blame I put on myself and start replacing them with positive thoughts. Easy? Not so much! I struggle to take a compliment some days. Yesterday I was positive towards myself and was encouraged by a positive day and the accomplishment of many things on my to do list. I was happy with this and thought I had done well.  Today, I got myself up and about and went into school. I was able to get some more of my to do list completed in school which was again, great stuff!

Everyone loves to hear nice things! [Source]

I stopped by to visit my Dad and spent the afternoon watching hockey and explaining the rules to my favourite sport. It was nice spending time with him and sharing one of my hobbies. It brightened his day and I know he was pleased to have some company. Since retiring his days are quieter and it's good for him to have company, especially with the loss of my brother just over a year ago. I can see he still has not dealt with the loss of his son. So having me visit this afternoon brightened his day a little. 

I want to say to 'me' today, I am making small steps, I am accepting the days when I am not quite 'me' and dealing with that. I am also adjusting to life back at work, it isn't easy but I am getting things done. So when I feel like I am not making progress I need to stop and think to myself: What kinds words can I say to myself today?

 So today I am asking you:

  

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"I feel continually shhh'ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy" - Being vulnerable.

What can I say? I am emotional and sensitive right now. I am finding myself starting sentences with, "I feel like..." or "I'm not happy today."  I have begun to censor my feelings though, I feel guilty for being so negative. Responses I get are, "Just keep positive." Well, if you've ever suffered from depression, you will know this is one of the hardest things to hear. 

I don't choose to be negative. I want to be happy but there is something in my mind that just says you can't be. I spent a whole year pretending to be happy and that was just as exhausting and hard. When I try and be honest, I see the look in people's eyes and I can tell they are uncomfortable and don't know what to say, hence the positive line.

Since returning to work, I have felt isolated and I can see that people just don't want to speak to me. Most people don't know why I was off for 10 weeks but hey know I was unwell. Most people just say hi and then those staff who I were close to, just haven't barely spoken to me. It's like they expect me to just crumble and cry. Maybe the fact that in my part of the school I am the only female affects things. It feels like any emotion or feelings talk can not be handled do I am just left alone.

So wise Zooey [Pinterest]

Why, as woman are we expected to always cry or get upset? Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me and tell me it's gonna be ok and we'll get through things together. Instead it is, "You'll be fine. Just be happy."  No - I don't accept that! Talk and discuss and allow me to share my feelings instead of pushing them down. 

It's a difficult way to be, drowning in your own feelings yet having to keep them all in. Today I was told I looked brighter and better than last week. Yet no one asked me if I was ok last week and I clearly looked like crap. Thanks to some good make-up I have clearly managed to put a mask up, like I did all last year, and conform to the keep quiet and only share happy, happy thoughts.

Do you ever feel like unless you're happy, that you are expected to just 'shut up and put up'?

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