Take All Chances: Hope - still believe even when it's hard.

Hope. Such a small word but such a big meaning. All around us, people are holding out hope for various reasons. To me, hope is fading in and out right now. It never really goes, it sometimes just is so small to see and feel that I have to work extra hard to find it. My hope of feeling better and the fog of depression lifting is not easy. Too often I am still up and down.

Yesterday was a difficult day, I spend most of it in bed - absolutely zonked. I was then back to bed early. I woke up fine but by the time I had finished my breakfast, it hit me. Anxiety and panic. I sat, unable to move, unable to start getting dressed or washing my face. I was paralysed with fear and anxiety about work. Not the job itself, just the actual going out and putting on my 'I'm fine' face.

This has happened before and I always manage to push past it and make it into work. Today, I couldn't. As I sat, trying to reason with myself and coax myself into standing up, to walking to the bathroom, to wash my face etc etc my body would not react. For once my mind over ruled everything. Nothing was going to happen.

I then had to call work and after the way my acting head teacher (deputy) was during my phase back, I was even more panicked about calling. To put it politely, he has been a bit of a dick about things and I have not been supported. I feel this could be the contribution to the anxiety I feel for the place. So with shaking hands I called and told them I had been sick. I was too scared to tell him the truth, worried that in some way it would be held against me.

At this point, my hope today was at an all time low. I was disappointed at myself that I could not push through and felt like I had taken the easy option out. But as I lay in bed, I realised that I was looking after me. Thinking my boss would use the fact that I was suffering against me, made me realise that I have to look after myself because not many others will.

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I know some people would laugh and wonder how I couldn't go in to work. They may also laugh at me 'not really being ill' because it was not able to be seen. But it is so real to me. The moment of waking every day not knowing which 'me' I am going to be. I miss just waking up and going about my day, happy and getting things done. Having the occasional deadline freak out but getting it done and celebrating with a night out. I still have the hope that I am there. But I know some days this hope will be hard to find. I have to rely on myself as there is no one helping me find it. As great as my friends are, I just want someone to tell me it's going to be ok and hug me.

I have spend most of the day in bed just laying and thinking and dosing off into a dreamworld. I finally got up at 2pm for some food and I am now contemplating my next move after this blog post. I found a list of positive distractions on Pinterest. I think I may bake, again I can feel the panic rising that I am setting myself a task to do but I know once I get motivated I will enjoy it and it will take my mind off things. Plus, I get to eat sweet and tasty treats afterwards.