Self Harm - Part of Me

Two weeks ago was the first time I self harmed by cutting my own skin. I did not want to cause great harm, and to be honest I wasn't even sure why I was doing it. I just did. How did I feel afterwards? I felt ok. It stung a little and I didn't mind. The cuts weren't deep and didn't draw blood but the sting was a feeling.

I spent the week glancing and the three little cuts at various points during the day and I liked them. I could see something on me and it was almost like I saw my own pain. All the pain that has been in my head, I could finally see. It was a comfort almost. After a pretty horrifically stressful week at work it was nice to control my own pain.

 

I then did it a 2nd and 3rd time over the following week and a half, in the same areas mainly but added an extra one. Again, nothing deep and large. I didn't bother covering my arms because I like to see them. I notice other people glance at them and nothing is said. I haven't had anyone ask me what's happened, or have I caught myself anywhere. No one asks.

Is it because they know? Is it because they don't care? Is it because they aren't comfortanble with the thought of someone hurting themselves that they don't want to talk about it because they're scared? I don't care because it's not about others. It's about me.

I have discussed this with my therapist to try and rationalise my thoughts and actions. It is good to be able to discuss something, which I know logically is not a good outlet for my depression, with someone who doesn't judge and can talk about it with me. This weekend I talked about my current struggle with food. When I become anxious I eat less and lately, as I have took another dip, eating has too. I blame the anti depressants for messing with my stomach and myslef for forgetting to take stomach tablets or anxiety. She however raised the thought that my control of what I eat and when could also be some sort of self harm which could become more serious.

This actually rang true. I had never thought of it like that. But now I think, I often have thoughts of, "Well I'll just not eat lunch" as if I am punishing myself or others. Again, logically this is wrong. But how do you battle these thoughts? How do you turn these negatives into positives when in the moment all you want to do is find some way of seeing the pain on the outside?

I never thought I would be the girl to self harm. But I also didn't think I would be the girl to suffer with depression and anxiety. Life shocks us sometimes and we gotta keep going and find the ways to work around these and accept our lot.

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