Sunday Social...

Today I thought I'd do something a bit different and lighthearted. I am linking up with 'Neely at A Complete Waste of Makeup' for Sunday Social. 

Click below to join in yourself!

1. Name 4 jobs you’ve had in your life: Silver Service Waitress, Chocolate Shop Sales Adviser, Clothing Sales Assistant and my current , Teacher. 

2. Name 4 movies you would watch over and over: The Notebook, Slapshot, Elf and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I am sure there's more but my mind just went blank! 

3: Name 4 places you have lived: I have lived in the same place all my life.

4:Name 4 of your favourite foods: Burger and fries, garlic bread/pizza, hot pot and roast dinner. I know, I cheated a little ...oops!

5:Name 4 things you always carry with you: phone, cocoa butter vaseline for lips, purse and hair bobbles/grips.

6: Name 4 places you have been on vacation: New York, Australia, Montreal and Miami .. to name a few.

 To finish I would like to ask you: 

What is your favourite holiday destination?

Thank you...

Today is Thanksgiving in the States, however that doesn't mean I can't take some time to be thankful over here in the UK. After the year I have had, I feel like there is not too much I can feel thankful. Losing my brother has had a negative impact on my positive nature. However, today I have been thinking how much I actually have to be thankful for in amongst all this mess. 

My family have been amazing, I have seen strength in them and support. It is sometimes hard for me to think that others are feeling the pain I am (which I know is an awful thing to say) but then I see their faces and look into their eyes. It hits me that they are feeling the same as me and that they too are trying to be strong and brave. We have supported one another and helped each other through this tough time.

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I know in the past I have complained about my work and how I feel undervalued. This year I have changed year groups - again - but for the better and have felt so supportive throughout the past couple of months. My phase group have made me smile, counselled me and calmed me. I have tried to throw myself back into work, last week proved extremely hard with this however, with their help I am settling back in again.

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What I have found difficult to understand is the differing actions from my friends. I understand people are all different and have their own reaction to friend's grief but some of my friend's responses have surprised me both good and bad. I have had support from friends far away and those who I have had daily texts from and messages from. On of my good friends came straight to me when I told her which I needed. I don't like people asking me to let them know if I need anything because I feel like I am being demanding or asking them to do something they don't want to do. When in reality, all I want is someone to come and sit with me and talk to me. However, now I have put a guard up and pushed many friends away from me.

In my life I have health, friends and family. What more could I want? That's what we all need around us.  What or who are you giving thanks for?

Words of Inspiration...

I have been finding inspiration all around me lately, something in me picks up thoughts and advice much more than usually (and normally that is a lot). I have been a busy bee on Pinterest, finding words to comfort me and today I wanted to share some with you all and hope you too can be inspired, find comfort or whatever you're looking for which you didn't realise you were needing.

You can check out my Pinterest here ----->  

My Pinterest

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I hope you can take something from the above words and please feel free to share your own.

I'm on your side...

I have just - far too late - discovered a band called The Lumineers. Their music has appealed to my mood and feeling perfectly as of late... slightly melancholy with a tinge of hope. If you haven't heard of them before, I suggest you check them out.

If you've read a lot of my blog posts, then you will notice that I am a big lyrics and quotes fan. When I listen to music, I like nothing better than to listen to the words and let the music (initially) come second. One song on their album had a line which, at this time in my life just shouted out to me:

"When we were younger

We thought everyone was on our side

Then we grew a little."

The Lumineers - Flowers In Your Hair

When we're younger, everything is 'hidden', 'kept secret' or 'pushed to the side' to protect us. Kids are sheltered from many a things which is why they see things as black or white, they don't see the shades of grey which as an adult, we become overwhelmed with on some days.

I recall everyone having my back. Friends were friends, family had your back and no-one (except maybe your teacher) was going to go against you. As I grew older, the rose tinted glasses became clearer and the world became greyer. I began to not only see but also feel where the pain and hurt was around me. It was then I began to realise that not everyone was worthy of my time and patience. Some people will do anything to get what, who and where the want. These people most certainly are not on our sides. What is the age you reach when you realise this? When you start to be an adult and having to do some fending for yourself? It's subjective really, each individual has so many varied life experiences at different times in there life that we can never say you 'grow up' at x age. As soon as we begin to grow a little, the cracks appear and people drift.    

 

"So then we grew a little and knew a lot."

 

The Lumineers - Flowers In Your Hair

This is the point we realise that not everyone is on our side. But it is not until, for the most part of us, that we realise that there is hurt out there we'd never imagine having to go through. How do we deal with it when we have always been looked out for? Well, I have learnt that those people didn't just 'have my back', they taught me how to be strong, how to feel, how to empathise, how to be a better person so that when I did grow I had a good spirit in me. They may not physically have my back but the effect on me is there to see. 

When I was younger, if I hadn't been surrounded by these people I know I would have been a very different person to who I am today. I am using that spirit to keep going as if all those from when I was younger still had my back. In role reversal I am there to do the same for my nephew, who has had the trauma of losing his father at 18. He is too old for me to shield him from things and push things to one side. Therefore I will do the next best thing and be there for him. I'm on his side and I dread the person who will try to hurt that boy. He is not only my nephew but a little brother to me from the way we have grown up together. 

I will always be on his side, whether he grows more or not. After all, my big brother - as well as older siblings still with me - was and always will be on my side irregardless of where he is now. 
 

Relationship dynamics...

Isn't it funny when you think you've made a decision, swear that that decision will be the one that you follow and then all of a sudden you're back to square one?

Well this is my life right now. I've alluded to relationships many a times on this blog but never really explained myself. Basically, my Mr Past arrived back in my life last year and has never left. We've had 'vacations' from one another both on his terms and my terms, we've had arguments from my side and his and we've had lots of good communication.

The big problem however? We're in two different places, living two different lives. We have spoken many a times about what went wrong - both agreeing on bad timing. We met due to his work (sports), he returned home about 2 months later. At the time we both agreed to not get attached and we understood that it was be a short term thing. Only problem being is that it is clear we both forgot our own advice.

Just one of many thoughts about past ...

We had a break of about a year when he returned home and inevitably went to another town in the US to play and I was back home. But, as these things come full circle, we ended up back in contact. It has now been over a year since we have reconnected and I feel like I am stuck. 

Stuck in this fake long distance relationship. One where we are in regular contact, support one another and help each other to stay positive. I am very careful though to keep things 'friends' knowing that we're so far away.This is sometimes a lot harder than I ever imagined.

Many a times I have decided that the only way things can get better between us is to cut contact. I worry that it will be destructive for me as well as him in the long run. Every time I try this, it's as if my heart stops me. My mind is a strong thing but it appears my heart is even stronger and pulls me away from what I believe to be sanity.

It sounds like a situation and quite frankly I think it is. I don't want to be stuck in this place of uncertainty where I feel like I am just fun for Mr Past and sometimes I feel like I am one of the most important people to him. Needless to say, with everything else going on in my life lately this desicion making has been on the back burner. Now I am beginning to feel stronger, I need to act here and solve this. 

What to do? How to deal with this without causing pain to myself or him? Let's hope I can use my strength to finally deal with this and find a solution.