When everything falls apart...

It is no secret that I have had a difficult year. My post earlier in the year about my brother's Cancer was one of the lowest times I've ever encountered. I didn't think I would end up back there again ... and then Friday night happened.

I recieved a message after work to say my brother had been taken into hospital. Various things were wrong, mainly severe dehydration due to sickness all week. We all knew the previous chemotherapy session had been difficult and I assumed it would be a case of rehydration, maybe anti-sickness drugs and then a final push with the last chemo session before the final scan. 

How things can change and fall apart so quickly is quite scary. I visited him on Saturday and was not prepared for what I saw. My big brother looking anything but. From the pale and gaunt face, to the fragile body and the man with not even enough energy to move - everything about him screamed sadness. I pasted the smile on my face and sat next to him. I helped him move, talked to him, made him smile and at some points just sat with him in quietness. At this point we didn't know what was causing the sudden dramatic turn in his health. 

I now wish I was still in that not knowing stage because when I was with him today the doctor explained the cause. After a CT scan, it appears that the cancer (which we were told in July had reduced) had now spread to join onto his pancreas and in turn was pushing into his stomach. While the doctor was explaining this I sat, stunned and kept looking between my brother and the two doctors wondering if someone was going to laugh and say they were joking. But, that never happened. It was real and there was no maybe about the situation.

I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream or just jump up and shout, "It's not fair." But I didn't. I sat still, nodded my head and shook the doctors hand as he left and soaked up the heavy atmosphere he'd left in the air with his comments. Talk then moved to discussion of the operation which would be scheduled in the next couple of days and the unsaid was the next round of impending chemotherapy which will be coming his way.

I would say I have never felt this low but it's not true. I had the first kick earlier this year and it looks like it's going to finish the same way. I am putting my effort into controlling the sadness but it's difficult, I just want to cry and blame someone. But neither will help him. I now need to balance out my emotions for work in the morning, another hurdle to overcome. 

I must believe... {source}

Thank you for listening if you're still reading - I am hoping to be able to share some positive news with you all soon!

The world didn't end...

As you are all aware, I am quite the workaholic. I work away, making sure things are done and take on many projects at school. Unfortunately, by doing so much, I tend to find myself burnt out on occasion.

The past few days have seen me burnt out in the form of migraines and headaches. If you've never had a migraine before, feel lucky. They are like someone is inside your head and hammering your eye and head. It truly is an excruciating pain and I am always sick with them too. The day after is just as bad as I suffer from another headache and a very fuzzy head which hurts with every movement. But guess what... I still went to work.

Needless to say my past few days have been very tough and I know this is my body telling me to slow down. I have therefore spent the last two nights doing no school work while all the time feeling guilty about it. However, a thought hit me tonight:

The world has not ended, everyone of my kids is still learning and happy and I am not feeling so tired.So what was I worried about? 

I am sure it didn't look like this when I went to bed...

The older I am getting, the more I am realising I find it difficult to find a 'stop' point. If I stop;

Will something go wrong? 

Will I be thought less of? 

Will I appear incompetent?

Will I become a bad teacher?   

Questions like these appear in my mind when I begin to slow down. I have such an internal battle and think that I will not be good enough.

Obviously, the hours I work are detrimental to my health. Never will anyone, in their final moments, ever say, "I wish I had worked more." This is something which I should keep in my mind when I am working away at 1am. I need to get working on myself and my own life. My kids at school are happy, the teaching is there and the work is being done. By making myself burnout I will not help anyone, let alone myself.

How do you cope when you can't find your 'stop' moment?

I also want to add a link to a fabulous 'link and mingle' over at Yellow Umbrella:

Networking...

I have been a busy bee and began to get back into this blogging world. Last night I joined many a blog hops and also found some new Blog Networking sites. I will post the links below for you to have a spy at and if you are already there well let me know and we can 'network'.

Hello Cotton

Click here...

Better Blogger Network

Click here...

Bloglovin'

Click here..

Twitter

Click here...

I hope these links are useful to you fellow bloggers, whether you follow me or not, hopefully you will find somewhere to help your own blog networking.

Mr Past...

I remember about a year ago, talking about revisiting the past and whether I should make that trip. I did and I am still there. Many warned once it was the past to leave it but circumstance which led to this person being in the past were rather different to the usual. I then thought about chance and what to do when you give someone a chance, only for them to not take it or to just leave it?

This person in my life, Mr Past,  has actually been very important to me throughout the year as he has made me feel happy when I've been so sad and motivated me when I thought I couldn't go on. Between the two of us we have given the other a kind of security blanket. He is not in the same country as me anymore and this is where the difficulty with Mr Past and me lies. 

We have a connection but also have the distance there between us. When we first met, Mr Past was here where I am and then had to make the journey home. Obviously, readers of this blog will know that we lost contact only for me to have the opportunity to make a change to this last year. I did and that was the spark to light the flame it seemed. 

However, it has now been a year and we are still in that same place where - apart but scared to make a change. We've had many a conversation which have led that way but never quite got to the end of it. We have also had a couple of 'breaks' where we have tried to take time away from one another to have space but always end up back in contact.

In my head I tell myself it's because neither of us want it enough. Maybe that is true? But after a year of constant contact, Mr Past and myself should start to try and get this sorted don't you think? 

At the moment, I feel like I am standing at a cross roads and there are two ways to go. There really are only 2 different options here and I feel like sooner rather than later the decision must be made. 

I just don't know what that decision is just yet.

Quote of the day Monday...Getting what you want

I am the type of person who, once they've set their mind on something, will work hard to get it. It may not always be in the quietest of ways, maybe it wont be without tears and maybe it isn't with knowing 100% I am pursuing the right thing but I go for it. I like to feel like I've achieved something.

When I get what I want (meant in the least annoying Princess way), I feel proud and feel like I've achieved a huge thing. Sometimes it's the little things which take the hardest of efforts. Many people I know set goals to help them get to where they want but me... I go all out. I don't do it little buy little, I like to do huge things and worry about the finer details later. This has led me to trouble on more than one occasion but I get there eventually.

However, what do you, when the one thing you want you can't get? Be it relationship based, job based or even small daily things such as transport etc. I know I feel miserable and think 'What have I done wrong?" or "What could I have done different?" I blame myself and for some time may always look back and think "What if..." The thing though, is that we can't base our lives on 'What if's'

We do it because sometimes the idea that we have made a wrong choice somewhere along the line is easier to accept then it is just not meant to be. When something isn't meant to be, it means we lose control. Does anyone like to feel they have no control? I certainly don't. It takes a strong individual to make me give up control because I feel like then I rely on myself. I don't trust others enough to rely on them.

But in the end, there are somethings in life which are just not meant to happen or be. I think if we can accept that, we can find happiness much easier. I need to realise that not getting what I want is not the worst thing that could happen to me. It is in fact sometimes the best. I found a quote which I want to share with you all, especially those who are like me and hate the idea of not getting what you want.