Real people...

Blogging is something which I love to do. It allows me to write and hopefully entertain/help/engage other people. I write for me first and foremost and then hope others appreciate the words I have put together. I fully appreciate fellow bloggers and the world they create in their little web space.

Throughout my short time, compared to some, in blog world I have found a few great friends. Some I chat to daily, another I have regular contact with regarding our life and happenings, one I swap sweets with and others I follow and read their blogs daily - whether I have time to comment or not I always read. 

The past weekend however, I was lucky to meet a fellow blogger. Mrs OK blogs over at OK in UK and is not too far from my real life destination. She is heading back to USA in the next week and I received a message asking I wanted to meet for a drink before we lost our chance. I, of course, jumped at the chance and I know anyone who has read her blog would do exactly the same!

For me it was more than just a 'meet-up'. Given what is going on in my life at the moment, Miss OK invited me out with some friends to help me feel normal I guess for a night. I have to say, it was just what I needed. It was lovely to be around a new group of people who were all so fun and welcoming. Miss OK were lots of fun even though she was suffering from cold. I hope to stay in contact with the girls near me and of course add Mrs OK to my Christmas list!

What I am trying to say I think, is that us bloggers are real, we exist in our web home but also in the 'real' world. Having the opportunity to form such good friendships is something which non-bloggers are missing out on in my opinion. Having others there to support in person or in message form is keeping me going at the moment. 

"We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere."

Tim McGraw

Make a wish...

My past week and a bit has turned into one long, traumatic moment in time. It is amazing, in this world, surrounded by technology that a life can begin to fall apart so quickly. In a week my brother has continued to deteriorate. He had an operation last week which by passed the enlarged nodes as well as the new tumour which has appeared on his stomach. His body is so weak since he was in a such a deteriorated state before the operation.

The new tumour has been described by the doctor as 'nasty'. Now if the doctor is saying that you know things aren't looking good. All around me I can feel the hope which was once there slowly evaporating. I look at my brother and see in his eyes the sadness inside and the pain on his face. My family around me are keeping their 'brave' faces on but I know it is a mask, partly because I have one on myself. I am trying to be positive and hopeful for all and for my brother. I am becoming quite adept at holding back my tears when in other people's company.

I am determined to stay strong and try to be the hope and strength for the both of us. I know this will be difficult but right now I don't know what else to do.

A good friend of mine and fellow blogger, Miss LA, sent me these words and I am trying to keep them in my heart:

I am hoping OTH can give me a bit of hope...

My wish is that my brother will be sitting next to me at Christmas, smiling and being surrounded by everyone who loves him. That's the only thing in my heart right now.

When everything falls apart...

It is no secret that I have had a difficult year. My post earlier in the year about my brother's Cancer was one of the lowest times I've ever encountered. I didn't think I would end up back there again ... and then Friday night happened.

I recieved a message after work to say my brother had been taken into hospital. Various things were wrong, mainly severe dehydration due to sickness all week. We all knew the previous chemotherapy session had been difficult and I assumed it would be a case of rehydration, maybe anti-sickness drugs and then a final push with the last chemo session before the final scan. 

How things can change and fall apart so quickly is quite scary. I visited him on Saturday and was not prepared for what I saw. My big brother looking anything but. From the pale and gaunt face, to the fragile body and the man with not even enough energy to move - everything about him screamed sadness. I pasted the smile on my face and sat next to him. I helped him move, talked to him, made him smile and at some points just sat with him in quietness. At this point we didn't know what was causing the sudden dramatic turn in his health. 

I now wish I was still in that not knowing stage because when I was with him today the doctor explained the cause. After a CT scan, it appears that the cancer (which we were told in July had reduced) had now spread to join onto his pancreas and in turn was pushing into his stomach. While the doctor was explaining this I sat, stunned and kept looking between my brother and the two doctors wondering if someone was going to laugh and say they were joking. But, that never happened. It was real and there was no maybe about the situation.

I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream or just jump up and shout, "It's not fair." But I didn't. I sat still, nodded my head and shook the doctors hand as he left and soaked up the heavy atmosphere he'd left in the air with his comments. Talk then moved to discussion of the operation which would be scheduled in the next couple of days and the unsaid was the next round of impending chemotherapy which will be coming his way.

I would say I have never felt this low but it's not true. I had the first kick earlier this year and it looks like it's going to finish the same way. I am putting my effort into controlling the sadness but it's difficult, I just want to cry and blame someone. But neither will help him. I now need to balance out my emotions for work in the morning, another hurdle to overcome. 

I must believe... {source}

Thank you for listening if you're still reading - I am hoping to be able to share some positive news with you all soon!

The world didn't end...

As you are all aware, I am quite the workaholic. I work away, making sure things are done and take on many projects at school. Unfortunately, by doing so much, I tend to find myself burnt out on occasion.

The past few days have seen me burnt out in the form of migraines and headaches. If you've never had a migraine before, feel lucky. They are like someone is inside your head and hammering your eye and head. It truly is an excruciating pain and I am always sick with them too. The day after is just as bad as I suffer from another headache and a very fuzzy head which hurts with every movement. But guess what... I still went to work.

Needless to say my past few days have been very tough and I know this is my body telling me to slow down. I have therefore spent the last two nights doing no school work while all the time feeling guilty about it. However, a thought hit me tonight:

The world has not ended, everyone of my kids is still learning and happy and I am not feeling so tired.So what was I worried about? 

I am sure it didn't look like this when I went to bed...

The older I am getting, the more I am realising I find it difficult to find a 'stop' point. If I stop;

Will something go wrong? 

Will I be thought less of? 

Will I appear incompetent?

Will I become a bad teacher?   

Questions like these appear in my mind when I begin to slow down. I have such an internal battle and think that I will not be good enough.

Obviously, the hours I work are detrimental to my health. Never will anyone, in their final moments, ever say, "I wish I had worked more." This is something which I should keep in my mind when I am working away at 1am. I need to get working on myself and my own life. My kids at school are happy, the teaching is there and the work is being done. By making myself burnout I will not help anyone, let alone myself.

How do you cope when you can't find your 'stop' moment?

I also want to add a link to a fabulous 'link and mingle' over at Yellow Umbrella:

Networking...

I have been a busy bee and began to get back into this blogging world. Last night I joined many a blog hops and also found some new Blog Networking sites. I will post the links below for you to have a spy at and if you are already there well let me know and we can 'network'.

Hello Cotton

Click here...

Better Blogger Network

Click here...

Bloglovin'

Click here..

Twitter

Click here...

I hope these links are useful to you fellow bloggers, whether you follow me or not, hopefully you will find somewhere to help your own blog networking.