My 2013 inventory - regret, changes and love.

What can I say about 2013 other than it pretty much sucked. I have had a struggle both mentally and physically and this is one struggle I am still working on. I thought 2013 was going to be a better year after the awfulness of 2012, but it wasn't to be. This year my inventory was actually easy to fill in. I have regret for not accepting help sooner and that is something I will always look back at and think - Why did I wait so long?

My 2013 Inventory

In 2014, I gained a greater understanding of my body and mind.

I lost happiness and joy of life.

I stopped caring about myself.

I started therapy.

I was hugely satisfied by making it through a difficult academic year.

And frustrated by struggling with depression and illness.

I am so embarrassed that I had to began treatment for depression and anxiety.

Once again, I had feelings for someone who does not treat me how I deserve.

Once again, I put others before myself.

The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is my hair is longer.

The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is that I have been diagnosed with depression and I know I'm not just broken and unhappy.

I loved having a couple of fantastic friends who have cared for me.

Why did I spend even two minutesthinking he could be different.

I should have spent more time looking after my body and mind.

I regret not accepting help sooner.

I will never regret giving therapy a second chance.

I am hard on myself way too much.

I didn’t see my issues before it was too late.

I nearly drove me crazy.

The most relaxing place I went was my living room.

Why did I not see there were health issues from the start of the year, rather than thinking it was just exhaustion.

The best thing I did for someone else was be there for them.

The best thing I did for myself was accept help for my depression.

The best thing someone did for me was support me and persist in looking after me (Doctor).

The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, be honest.

(Fill-in-the-blank template from Mary Schmich at The Chicago Tribune)


I hope you all had a beautiful New Year and I hope to be back in the New Year having found my blogging mojo again!

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From the vaults: Love has always been the message...

Before we welcome the New Year, I thought I would share one of my posts where I mused about love. Love is powerful and something (even if we sometimes don't admit it) which we want and need. It's not easy though, and the older I get the harder I am finding it to just let go and accept love.

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4.3.2011: Love has always been the message 

I received a new album the other day. For those who read my blog you will know how much I love a band called Bright Eyes. If you are new....well I love Bright Eyes!

I got their new album yesterday and the opening track has this man speaking. I'm not sure who he is or what he does but it grabs your attention. Then he says a line, which even the first time I heard it, stood out for me. It was:

"And love's always been the message. It's just - circumstances happen, right? People freak out, just flat flip out, you know?"

It's true, people always want love and believe in it and try and live to a certain state of love however circumstances change everything sometimes. Yesterday I blogged about children's views changing. This is very  much what happens in love. Love (in most cases) develops quite out of the blue whether instantly or over a long time. Neither of which people expect. It can all be great and then circumstances happen. I don't need to even give examples of this as I am pretty sure you could all give me a number of these which has affected love for you. How do we control that 'flip flap' and stop ourselves freaking out. I myself am a person who wants love yet as soon as it comes near for some reason or another I become self destructive and 'freak out'. Sometimes I am aware of it, other times I will reflect and think.. why on earth didn't I just admit to how I felt? Things could've been oh so different.

I know that we all have free choice but I hope that the thought everything happens for a reason is true... the thought that I have ruined something is just not good. If you are in love.. hold on tight and if you are still waiting then accept it when it happens. We don't want to flip out do we?

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From the vaults: I have returned.

Today's post looks back at my travelling around East coast of USA. It was my very first time travelling alone and I learnt so much about myself during that time. I look back and wish I could find that version of myself once again but so many things have happened since then. However, just thinking about it make me smile and happy that I was once that brave!

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23.8.2011 : I have returned

I have returned from my adventures and still feel a little jet lagged and tired. Hope you all enjoyed the posts while I was away, I will read and look at all your comments soon!!

Now for my trip, what can I say about it? The words life changing come to mind. Before I went away I thought I was happy and fine and content but after this trip I realise that in fact I was rather lost. There were a number of things in my life which just weren't working and until I removed myself from it all I had not been able to see things clearly.

On my 2nd day of the trip I found myself sitting next to Miss Aussie. We chatted and got along well...fast forward near 3 weeks later and we are best friends. In previous posts I have spoken about people coming into your life for a reason and she is one of those people. From that 2nd day we both realised that we needed each other in our lives to help figure things out. We were both at a bit of a stuck point in our life and were able to coax out the way to move on for each other. I can not verbalise well enough how amazing she was for me. I have began to look at things in different ways and identify the changes to make. Obviously she lives in Australia and I in England but it's ok, that wont stop us from staying friends (also gives us great reasons to visit UK and Australia). 

The trip itself also opened my eyes to so many different places, people and events in history. I was standing in Gettyysburg battle field just in awe at the fact that I was so lucky to be there and learn about the important history which took place there. This is just one of the things which I felt grateful for being able to see. I overcame fears when I took a helicopter ride over Niagra Falls. I had intellectual conversations with local French Candians in Montreal and realised how nice it is when men treat you with repsect. I went to my first ball game (Go Red Sox!) in Boston. I partied in DC and visited Arlington Cemetary. I could go on. All these experiences and more have made me feel like I need to see more and do more in my life. I always wanted to but felt somewhat anxious but now I realise that it's fine. 

Finally, not only did I meet a soulmate I also made a lot of other great friends. I talked to people from different countries and learnt about new things. I also figured out that my accent is damn hard to understand and vodka coke is not a common drink in the states. In Canada I had two bar staff exclaim that they'd never made that drink before!! So I like to think I taught people some new things too haha!

There is more in my mind still swirling after this trip but I just can't find all the words yet. I'm trying to process all the things which I have discovered and found out about myself. I am just extrmeley proud of myself that I took such a big step to do this. 

Now I know you've been reading this thinking, "Just share some pictures," so here are a very, very small amount of photos for you all.

Consider this post as Part 1. I have so many photos and will share the Canada and Boston leg of the trip soon!!! As TexaGermaNadian can attest, I have many many photos and some of which are not blog worthy haha!!!

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From the Vaults : Where the lines overlap.

While I work on getting my blogging (and life) mojo back, I thought I would take a trip down memory lane and share some of my favourite past blog posts with you all. Hopefully this will give me a kick up the rear end and remind me why I love blogging.

Today's post is one which I shared the friendship with a fellow blogger. My friendship with Rebecca at 'Forever after Undecided' (where she now blogs), is still going well and I have made more since then. This is definitly a perk of blogging - it's a special community.

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25.10.2011 : Where the lines overlap

When I started blogging I was unaware of all the friendships I would make. I have made a few very good friends who I can actually share a little bit of my 'real life me' with too. This past week I have become 'real life' friends with Rebecca who blogs over at A day in the life of a German girl.

She is a fabulous blogger and we seemed to have an instant connection in the blog world. We saw little bits of ourselves in each others posts, assured each other that 'No, you're not the only one to think that,' and lately we've began to chat in real life. Now it seems strange to use this term 'real life' because well, my blog IS real life and everything on here is true and is me. I suppose, as my titles suggest, the lines over lap somewhat. Now I see her in a blogger world and also in real time world.

In blogging we can edit and refine our words. As honest as posts are they can be censored, written in witty ways and polished. Myself and Rebecca have been able to talk and actually get each other and realise that there was a reason why we were drawn to each others blogs. We are similar, we do have the same insecurities and issues. Through talking we have bonded and I truly know that in her I have found a good friend.

I know people complain about the likes of Facebook and technology for making people more distant but in fact it's helped us to be able to form a new friendship regardless of where we actually are in the world. So it isn't all that bad now is it? 

So i just want to say that I am pleased that some of my lines have overlapped because through this I have made not just friends with Rebecca but another couple of blogger friends (Yes yes- that's you El Grande :-) and Lindsey!). 

So if you're a new blogger and you're reading this... enjoy because you are going to make some fabulous friends!

Have you made any good blog friends since entering the world of blogging?
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Merry Christmas...

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas with those nearest and dearest to you. Also, save a wish for those special people who can't be with us all anymore. Take and and Christmas Wishes to all!!

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