Prozac Nation - Feels like we're all in that place.

I watched a film last week which really struck a chord with me. Prozac Nation. It is based on memoir by Elizabeth Wurtzel. During her University years, she suffered from depression and it chronicles the down spiral and her time of getting better.

Going through depression myself, this film really spoke to me. I still struggle to understand what I am going through and can not believe that I, of all people is suffering from this and anxiety. Part of the recovery is acceptance. 

In the film, Elizabeth struggles to accept her depression and this means it becomes more difficult for her to seek and also accept help. I can attest to this feeling. The feeling that you are spiralling down and you can't stop the spiralling but at the same time pretending that everything is fine. 

"...if you ask anyone in the throes of depression how he got there, to pin down the turning point, he'll never know. There is a classic moment in The Sun Also Rises when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt, and all he can say in response is, 'Gradually and then suddenly.' When someone asks how I lost my mind, that is all I can say too." -Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

This is beyond true. I can't pinpoint the moment, it was slowly then all of sudden it was as if I just fell of a ledge and that was it. The moment that you know you have depression is a shock. It still doesn't make it easy to accept help. It was at this point I decided to seek help.

My doctor, who had been calling me back to see her every 3 weeks for the previous 10 months, was amazing and when I spoke to her she was happy to help. I knew she had been waiting for me to understand what was happening, unlike some doctors who would happily just write out prescription upon prescription.

Telling my friends and parents was a different story. I felt comfortable with my doctor but telling my parents I was so unwell was difficult. After having seen them go through so much with the illness and loss of my big brother, I didn't want to make them worry even more. In the movie, Elizabeth's mam comes into her dorm room and complains how untidy the place while she just lies there. I didn't want this, I didn't want the fussing.

When I was at my worst, I could not get out of bed. I would lie and hope for the want to move but I couldn't, I would lie and want to move but not be able to. Work was near impossible, every morning I would cry and feel so fatigued. The tiredness became a painful darkness. Not just a tiredness which you feel better about when you have a sleep, a tiredness which gets heavier and weighs you down.

"...then one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live." -Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

It was hell. I would not wish depression on to anyone. I finally told my family and parents after two weeks on anti-depressants. I suffered problems with starting tablets and my anxiety shot through the roof. I wanted people to understand and they didn't. I had two close friends who supported me and showed an understanding. They have been my rocks. Eventually, my parents understood but it took some time. Having such a supportive doctor made things a lot easier. 

Even though my close friends were supportive, I tried to push them away. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin, that I didn't want them to have to 'put up with me'. Time after time they assured me they were not feeling that way. 

My depression began to define me and I let it. It is strange because even know, i have more down days than up days. I feel like the depression is an addiction in itself. I almost don't know what to do with myself when I am happy. I laugh or smile and shock myself. Am I really smiling?! What should I say? Do I actually want to be social? I feel almost comfortable in my depression. I know what to expect and I know how to behave. I can hide away from the world and people don't bother me. My two close friends have continued to keep in constant contact which is great of them. 

In the movie, Elizabeth finally decides to start taking anti-depressant tablets. Through this, the fog starts to lift but not go away. Again, I can attest to this. Even now,as my depression begins to lift slightly, it does not go. I often wonder if I will ever be totally free of this awful illness. From all my reading I know this is something which I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. Am I prepared to deal with this? I guess I have to because there is no other option. I will not give in. 

 

Have you found a way out of depression? How do you deal with the interim depression moments?

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Depression and medication - time for change.

It's that time again, time for me to be Miss Honest. I want to let you all know that this is difficult to be so open and that I struggle with sharing with those closest to me, especially at the moment, but I am hoping that it may be of some help for some of you out there.

I have now been on my anti-depressant medication for just over 4 weeks now. It feels so normal, like I've always woke up, popped a pill and got on with my day. But it's not. After having a 'moment' at work where everything was just too much my doctor signed me off work. It was something I have fought since February, all this time I have avoided it and thought I was exhausted but now I accept it. Even my doctor said how stubborn I am, yep that's me alright.

I began taking sertraline, which is an SSRI (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor) medication,which basically works to increase the amount of serotonin in my brain. Serotonin, the happy chemical, is something which I am lacking and it could be caused by a number of issues - most likely due to the stress and heartbreak of last year.

As I said, due to my stubbornness it has taken months to get to this point. When I looked at the side effects of the drug I laughed, yes - out loud, as there were so many it seemed ridiculous. But I trusted me doctor, she's fantastic and I knew I had to start making a change. The first week on the tablets was hell- my anxiety (just another issue for good measure) kicked up a notch or hundred! I was wired but at the same time so, so tired. I felt like I was carrying around weights all day and cold not stop yawning, like those yawns when you have travelled or not slept except I had it from waking to sleep. In fact, yawning was listed as a side effect. 

If only! [Source]

The second week that continued, as the did the shaking. As the day progressed my hands would start to shake more and more. I wouldn't say it was hugely noticeable to others but if I was trying to write or do anything tricky then it was difficult. I was emotional and anxious and I began to wonder if it was worth putting myself through it. The Monday of the 3rd week I went into work and before the kids had even came in  I had a panic attack and was in my head teacher's office in floods of tears. She made the decision to send me home and told me to take time off. At the time I was like a child, "No, I'll be fine. I just need a minute. I don't want to go home!" I sobbed. Looking back it was probably one of my lowest points and deep down I knew, I knew I needed time but I fought it. I did not want to give up, thanks to such an amazing head teacher and doctor I realised that it was not giving up. It was making a positive step in the right direction. 

Do it for you, no one else [Source]

Without the stress and anxiety of work I began to relax a bit more. As I worked through my 3rd and 4th week I began to see the slightest of improvements. The most annoying thing is that my sleeping pattern just went crazy and I was suffering insomnia. So I got back to my nytol the past couple nights just to get back into a pattern. This is now my 5th week and I have upped from 50mg to 100mg. I anticipated some problems and I have upped quite soon because I don't want to deal with the problems while I am away. However, it seems like the only side effect I have back is the shaking and now an annoying, lingering headache. It could be worse.

I am beginning to feel a little more clear headed and less emotional which is great. I am still struggling with the motivation and when I over think my anxiety hits me like a wave. Anything which worries me or is not expected makes me worked up and trying to calm myself is something which I will be working on for the future.

All in all, I am pleased I have persevered as I think this will be good for me. I am aware that there is still a stigma which comes with the words 'depression' and 'anti-depressants', so much so that I haven't told many people at all what I am going through - although that's not the only reason. My doctor said that most people don 't get through two weeks on these tablets, let alone work for the first two weeks so I think I'm doing pretty good. One day at a time.

You are lovely. [Source]

Keep positive even when things get tough, show those around you love today.

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Good days, bad days and the inbetween.

As I have previously stated, accepting depression in my life has been one of the hardest things I have personally had to deal with. Since allowing that realisation into my life, I have slowed down my pace and began to look after myself more. I am still not quite able to relax from work and I am constantly dreaming about the place in my time off from there but at least I am away from it while I sort my head out.

Taking anti-depressants are exactly how your read about - living hell for the first few weeks. They made everything heightened. My stress and anxiety went through the roof. My hands would shake and appetite totally went. Reading up on the tablets, I seem to have had it easier than others which is definitely lucky! But it didn't make me feel any better about the constant drowsiness I was encountering alongside everything else.

On my good days I wake up and feel ready to tackle the day. I am not saying I am superwoman and ready to buzz about like I used to but I fee like I can deal. I complete small tasks about the house and go out. I am happy, I feel like things are going in the right direction.

Oh, but that's not allowed. Depression and anti-depressants taunt and the next day ... bam! It's a down day. What do my down days look like? Well, I wake early then doze till about 9. Then I lay in bed till 2pm, awake, but just unable to leave my bed. I lie and think of the things I need to and should be doing but I can't move regardless. Then I realise that I must get some food so drag myself out of bed, grab a bowl of cereal then take up residence on the sofa. Now what? Watch TV for an hour, turn it off and sleep until 6pm. Make a cup of tea, grab a quick bite to eat. Watch more TV then go to bed.

Keep going [Source]

Then there are the in between days. When I doze till mid-day, get up and potter about the house with the intentions of doing things. Watch TV and don't nap. Make myself a healthy dinner then later have a nice bubble bath. But still I am not able to get up and go out but i am happy with own co0mapny and my head isn't too foggy.

This is now coming up to my 4th week on the tablets and I am not so sure I am seeing much of change but I think that is partly due to how bad they set me back. I am persisting because I know these will help me and allow me to cope and work through my feelings. But my goodness, they sure don't make it easy!

Maybe  I should be using this time to look at changes? [Source]

Any advice how to stay positive during these tough times?   Find me: twitter/bloglovin/pinterest/instagram  

Accepting depression in my life.

I have been quite open with some of my struggles as of late and today I am keeping that going. It is difficult to be so open but I want to be able to help others and if that means sharing my experiences then I am happy to.

For the past two weeks I have been taking Sertraline (Zoloft) to try and tackle the issues I have been dealing with. After many months of iron issues, attempts at therapy and discussion of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Depression, I have finally began to accept I am suffering from depression. Initially, my doctor broached the idea of depression earlier this year but I was adamant there was nothing the matter and that after iron help I would be fine. That didn't happen. The crushing fatigue I faced day in and day out did not ease. I had the odd good day but overall all I wanted to do was sleep, rest or just literally stay in bed.

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I began to understand there was an issue and that I had to find the issue and deal with it. So I spent my summer break resting and reading up on Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Depression. After much reading I began to see that my symptoms ( in reality - my life) was more concurrent with depression. The overwhelming nothingness of some days, the emotional tars which were cried - often for no reason- the inability to get out of bed or find any motivation to start the day and the daily living jobs which I just neglected. I did not share these feelings with many people at all.

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Through not sharing, I felt like I was able to try and push them away. The less I spoke of them the better. I admit that I was embarrassed by this. I felt like I had failed. Failed myself. Failed my family. Failed my late brother.

How had I not been able to cope with my life and ended up here? I was aware of what I went through last year and the personal illnesses which followed, however,why was I unable to deal with all these things. Surely it shouldn't have been that difficult? But it was.

At the end of the summer I visited my doctor once again. I discussed things and between us I decided to try anti-depressants. I have a problem and they are there to support and help. I want my life to be stable again. I want to be able to enjoy my life and the company of those around me. I have shared my situation with people around me but it's hard to be brutally honest. I am finding that, although extremely common, depression is still something very much mis-understood. People who are close to me, have even said, "Just find what makes you unhappy." But that's not what depression is. It's not a clear cut happy and sad situation. It's a cloud of darkness some days.

Have I fully accepted my situation? No. I still find myself fighting it and trying to just 'get on with it'. But slowly I am beginning to listen to my body and trying to slow down. My body and mind needs to heal. With a little help and TLC I hope I can reach the place I want to find again.

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Have you suffered from depression? Did you struggle to accept it?