Experiencing 'the mean reds' - Audrey Hepburn style

Today is good day, today is the first day in about a week in which I have felt more like 'myself'. I am going to be honest and say that I am not finding this moment of my life the easiest. I am trying to find myself and deal with my 'issues'. 'Issues' is the only word which I can use to put all my problems into one place.

Last week I began to feel down again, down and tired. The off days were happening. I felt them beginning on Tuesday, I woke up feeling bad. I cried while getting ready but got dressed, put on my face and went to work. I am beginning to become easier on myself and I just deal with days as they happen. But I knew this was a step back and I was afraid and unhappy. 

I do, I really do [Source]

Wednesday saw my anxiety begin to increase and I could not pin point why this was. It just was. But once again, I kept going. Sometimes that is the only thing to do: go.

A scene from one of my favourite films explains it so well:

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?

Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

The blues are exactly that, blues. The reds are what I feel depression is. The reds are worse than the blues, they are a place which is difficult to get past. That was how I felt and that was how my week was going. I don't want to sound negative but there was nothing I could do but just ride it out.

Cake... yes please [Source]

Now I am back working, I can't just stay in bed. I have to keep my life going, as difficult as it can be. I would usually indulge but to be honest my appetite had pretty much gone and I was having breakfast and a bag of crisps and that was all. By the time it hit Friday, Valentine's Day, my very best friend came to visit and cheer me up. We ate pizzas and chocolate and watched The Office. When she left, I felt a bit better but was pleased to get to bed.

I had a sigh of relief when I knew it was the weekend. My mood had dropped, my concentration gone and I was ready to sleep. So after a lie in Saturday, I spent the afternoon watching hockey but the reds were still there. I gave in Saturday at 7pm and went to bed. I slept and took a sleeping pill to keep me asleep,  I hoped to sleep it off. 

If only I looked so glamourous [Source]

Sunday I felt it lifting and spent more time just quietly and visited my parents. Today I woke up, after a lie in and I felt more ready. I still feel a little blue but the reds had vanished. My fear had gone and I had a renewed sense to get working. I created my to do list and went with it. I feel like I have achieved something and went with the small steps.

Experiencing 'the reds' are not easy and it is something I have to get used to and not work against. I know it is difficult for others to understand and I also worry about how people feel being around me but it's me. I know I have a couple close friends who will support me no matter what. However, I feel like it will be difficult for a partner to deal with this and I do wonder if a guy will actually want to be with me when I have times like this. I suppose it's nothing which I can control, I can only control my own life. I am working through this and it is all still so new to me, I guess I'm doing alright. 

Have you ever experienced 'the reds'? How did you get through them?

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