What if I am just too broken?

Am I broken? This is something I've thought about for some time now. The amount of times I've exclaimed, "What's wrong with me? Why am I like this?" over the past year is too many to count now. I feel like I am so out of sync it's unreal.

Some days I feel fine and don't mind being 'me'. However, more often than not, I just feel unhappy with myself and that I have lost the person I was. My therapist keeps reminding me that I won't be the same person I once was because after what I am going through I will learn new things and change. No one can go through such a time without changing.

This I understand. But the problem is that I don't know if I will ever feel 'me' again, whether a changed me I don't mind, just me. Feeling like you don't belong in your own skin is a strange feeling. I look in the mirror and don't like the person that looks back or sometimes I even feel sorry for it. I see unhappiness and confusion. People around me are telling me I am looking brighter, but that's easily faked, that's how I got to the low point I did. 

I keep thinking, 'What if I'm so broken, no one will have me?' I am not saying I want to settle down with the 2.4 kids right now at this moment. But it's in my future and at the moment, I have nothing to offer. I don't sleep well, I crash out when I return home from work and like to be in silence, I freak out at the idea of socialising and can't bear to have conversations sometimes. Not to mention the taking of anti-depressants and my 'off' days. Who wants that? No one.

I am trying, trying so desperately to 'fix' myself and I can't. I don't like living my life some days. Inside my mind is just darkness and cloudy. I can't see the future and I can't see true happiness. Not only that, I look tired and bloated and basically, a bit of a mess most days. Where do I go from here? If no one wants me, what can I do? I am happy enough alone at the moment but I starting to feel like I am missing something. 

This all seems rather self indulgent, that I am aware of and I am afraid that's where I am at right now. I don't want someone to come and 'fix' me, I want a constant in my life in someone who will stand by me and support. But I just don't think there is anyone to do that and deal with me now.

 

Maybe this is just a rut and I am hoping my mood will life once I become more stable on my medication once again. Perhaps I won't reach that place. At the moment it is just too difficult to see.

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